No Pants? No Problem. Your Early Slate of Games

Sunday! Sunday! Sunday! It’s here, it’s queer and it’s not going away. I don’t know what that means but it sounded good in my head. I hope everyone is prepared-feel free to tell us what you’re eating/drinking to celebrate this most wonderful of days. As for you guys and gals lurking out there, sign up, get in here and lose your dick joke virginity. No one is going to be shoved into a locker because Horatio reaaaaaaally likes it in there and is sure as hell not going to give it up at this point. [in superhero voice] TO THE GAMES!

GB vs Chi: Good news-Cutler had some new charisma dampeners installed during the offseason. It will influence his play in no way whatsoever. The Packers look to be headed to the NFC Championship even without Jordy and it starts with a win here.

KC at Hou: I’ll go out on a limb and say that the wideout TD drought ends today with a toss to Maclin. I think Kelce, the best tight end after the human TD machine that is Gronk, will grab one also. Houston has a problem-they are 2-12 without Foster and there is only so much that Hopkins can catch. Sounds like a losing formula.

Cle vs NYJ: After this game one team will have a head start on their inevitable descent to the basement of their division whereas the winner’s same path will be delayed by one game. I’m thinking the Jets follow the lead of their eventual starter at QB and take this one on the chin.

Ind vs Buff: 32 yr. old Gore’s last hurrah will take place in Indy. The guy has done remarkably well for someone who has blown out a knee, had major surgery on both shoulders and fractured a hip. The Tyrod Taylor Era begins in Buffalo. It will be characterized by sailing balls, long scampers, ugly low-scoring games and a 2nd place finish in the AFC East. Maybe.

Mia at Wash: Does anyone cheer for the Washington franchise any more? They’ve got a powerful stink coming off them these days. Here’s hoping Miami slaps Snyder into the 21st century.

Car vs Jax: The Jags perhaps maybe making incremental progress? (sentence sponsored by PK) Bortles looked better in the pre-season, there’s a new RB in town and Robinson, Lee and Hurns aren’t the worst set of wideouts in the league. (I think the Titans, Niners and Browns are fighting for that distinction) If Funchess works out the Panthers will have a devastating aerial attack next year but I’m told there are still some games to be played in 2015.

Sea at StL: Business as usual for the ‘Hawks. I remain surprised that coach Carroll has been able to sustain this amount of success after the debacle that was his tour as leader of the Jets. One of the stars of a snarky post I did about “breakout” fantasy players may get the start at RB for the Rams. Step up to the mic Benny Cunningham and try not to trip on the way. The Rams are 3-17 against Seattle the last ten years. Ouch.

 

EDIT: The afternoon games thread is LIVE.

https://www.doorfliesopen.com/index.php/2015/09/13/taste-the-pants-free-lifestyle-your-late-games-open-thread/

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Senor Weaselo

Snap goes past Fitzpatrick, good work.

JustStopDude

Apparently offensive pass interference does not exist in DC.

Along with you know…public shame.

WCS

No “This is Great” button?

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

That’s weird. Gimme a minute.

WCS

…and there it is. ARE YOU A WIZARD?!

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

I do what I can. I changed how the comments load this morning to make it run smoother and I think that was a casualty. Thanks for the heads up – I’ve been in and out and totally missed it.

John Difool

RGIII trying not to smile too hard when Cousins overthrows a receiver looks like a truck driver trying to squeeze back a loaf while 30 miles from the nearest rest area.

JustStopDude

Yup…its hilarious to see.

Old School Zero

Apparently the Directv Internet streaming doesn’t work outside of the USA, so I’m going to have to go to sleep and wake up to how poorly the Chargers played instead of catching it live.

...

Delayed gratification is the key to success in life.

Beerguyrob

With Tom Clements calling the plays, I’m not entirely unconvinced that McCarthy isn’t holding a Denny’s menu and planning his post-game meal.

Shogun Marcus

My wife witnessed McCarthy sneaking ice cream sandwiches in his Suburban in the Lambeau parking lot during the offseason.

blkeskimo1785

Hoyer the Destroyer, of successful Texans drives.

Stabby Pants

I’m beginning to suspect Brian Hoyer might not be a good QB.

JustStopDude

In respond to the injury to Antonio Cromartie, I am collecting money for his 12 children and 8 baby mamas.

Spur

Gross Joe Buck is on my TV. Aren’t there some baseball games he can announce?

Moonbatting Average

Looks like Cromartie will be spending more time with his kids

Smithchez

with his production rate it’s becoming statistically impossible for him to spend less time with them.

Beerguyrob

Johnny Fucking Showed Him.

Duchess

damn it the bear lead is scaring me. I need help grounding my hopes

Spanky Datass

Elisha did the voice work for the “high pitched” Peyton commercial. True story.

http://41.media.tumblr.com/1faf59dc1fcf6b4f206f7f30bc3be0b8/tumblr_mz3hn6Bdmg1syvjuco1_500.jpg

...

How many Patriots fans successfully bring themselves to orgasm while watching the Black Mass commercial?

Thrillhouse

I’ve got a roommate from Mass, no hyperbole, I’ve been shushed when the commercial comes on.

ProzacElf

WHITEY BUL-JAH WAS A BAHD-ASS YOU CAWK SUCKAH!

Grummmmble

So why aren’t DraftKings and FanDuel considered gambling?

Duchess

because lawmakers do not understand the interweb yet?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
King Hippo

Posluzny is my IDP in Snow’s league! WOO!!

/but Cam is my QB

And cro goes down…how much down the tube was that…

...

What does it say about how I view the NFL that I’d almost rather be watching Jets-Browns play a game that is best described as flaming avocado-colored shit than my own team that’s playing fairly well against a hated rival?

Stabby Pants

The dolphins are tackling roughly as well as an actual marine mammal with stubby flippers.

John Difool

Stubby Flippers would be an awesome Miami coaches name.

Smithchez

Fortedown!

King Hippo

Give it to the Bears’ OL – got their money’s worth on that hold.

Flags, flags for the flag god.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
American Pie Story

I kinda wish I had Jets/Browns, this game is awful

Spur

Rex Ryan’s play book is a sketchbook with Blitz underlined and some doodles of feet.

aceg

How the fuck you boys doin’???? Holy hell, the Bears actually look competitive in the first half of their tilt with the Pack… Thoughts of, “…we’ve secretly replaced the Bears offense with…” are playing out in my head right now.

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

I think Boger wants to announce his retirement from referring mid game

Stabby Pants

Miami and DC are having a fail off. Could be baseball, could be football.

Senor Weaselo
blkeskimo1785

The Factory just keeps getting sadder. Browns gon Brown

trollsoharduniversity

That was the Jetsbrowniest thing that ever happened.

Senor Weaselo

Fitzmagiception, but the Browns fumble it and Brandon Marshall does his best Brandon Marshall impression to get the ball back. Sounds about right.

Moonbatting Average

I think Mike McCarthy was just saying “Funky ball sheet”

Senor Weaselo
Thrillhouse

Browns make an interception, promptly have it stripped. You guys need to slow down, there’s only so much I can handle.

John Difool

The bright spot is, the Phins are just slightly more incompetent than the [*Redacted] s.

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

Holy Jetsy-Brownsing Batman.

trollsoharduniversity

The Jetsbrowniest play in football history

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

Average QBs be going deep today and none of them are Rex Grossman.

King Hippo

He inspired everyone with his comeback attempt

Stabby Pants

Joe Philbin really dislikes being employed.

King Hippo

Why wasn’t Lamar Miller playing?

JustStopDude

Dear Miami…what the fuck was that?!?

Gatoraids

Just hoping for another interception our best chance of scoring

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Romonobyl

“Hi, I’m Andrew Luck, and I have DirectTV”.
“Hi, I’m Brian Hoyer, and I suck at football”.

Spur

Cowboy need to trade for Jamaal Charles. Jerry Jones offers whores and coke to the Chiefs Owner/GM and all you can eat at the Pecan Lodge for Andy for Jamaal Charles.

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

Come this fall on CBS predictable Cop or Medical show.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I plan on coming this fall.

Romonobyl

I initially read that like you plan on coming out this fall.

JustStopDude

I have a theory that there are large numbers of Americans with undocumented Alzheimer…hence why CBS does so well.

King Hippo

Great, now Kelce’s dead.

Stabby Pants

Well, there goes Alex Smith’s ability to throw TDs.

Stabby Pants

Have we gotten to a point where fantasy football is more important to some people then actual football? Is that what still excessively bearded Andrew Luck is telling me?

Doktor Zymm

Holy shit OW. Broken arm or dislocated shoulder on the phins.

Moonbatting Average

Shouldn’t the page-up button read “Tip of the Dick Jokes”?

packman_jon

Just the tip?

John Difool

Theres so many Dolphins dying on the field today you’d think the Japanese were responsible.