Sunday! Sunday! Sunday! It’s here, it’s queer and it’s not going away. I don’t know what that means but it sounded good in my head. I hope everyone is prepared-feel free to tell us what you’re eating/drinking to celebrate this most wonderful of days. As for you guys and gals lurking out there, sign up, get in here and lose your dick joke virginity. No one is going to be shoved into a locker because Horatio reaaaaaaally likes it in there and is sure as hell not going to give it up at this point. [in superhero voice] TO THE GAMES!
GB vs Chi: Good news-Cutler had some new charisma dampeners installed during the offseason. It will influence his play in no way whatsoever. The Packers look to be headed to the NFC Championship even without Jordy and it starts with a win here.
KC at Hou: I’ll go out on a limb and say that the wideout TD drought ends today with a toss to Maclin. I think Kelce, the best tight end after the human TD machine that is Gronk, will grab one also. Houston has a problem-they are 2-12 without Foster and there is only so much that Hopkins can catch. Sounds like a losing formula.
Cle vs NYJ: After this game one team will have a head start on their inevitable descent to the basement of their division whereas the winner’s same path will be delayed by one game. I’m thinking the Jets follow the lead of their eventual starter at QB and take this one on the chin.
Ind vs Buff: 32 yr. old Gore’s last hurrah will take place in Indy. The guy has done remarkably well for someone who has blown out a knee, had major surgery on both shoulders and fractured a hip. The Tyrod Taylor Era begins in Buffalo. It will be characterized by sailing balls, long scampers, ugly low-scoring games and a 2nd place finish in the AFC East. Maybe.
Mia at Wash: Does anyone cheer for the Washington franchise any more? They’ve got a powerful stink coming off them these days. Here’s hoping Miami slaps Snyder into the 21st century.
Car vs Jax: The Jags perhaps maybe making incremental progress? (sentence sponsored by PK) Bortles looked better in the pre-season, there’s a new RB in town and Robinson, Lee and Hurns aren’t the worst set of wideouts in the league. (I think the Titans, Niners and Browns are fighting for that distinction) If Funchess works out the Panthers will have a devastating aerial attack next year but I’m told there are still some games to be played in 2015.
Sea at StL: Business as usual for the ‘Hawks. I remain surprised that coach Carroll has been able to sustain this amount of success after the debacle that was his tour as leader of the Jets. One of the stars of a snarky post I did about “breakout” fantasy players may get the start at RB for the Rams. Step up to the mic Benny Cunningham and try not to trip on the way. The Rams are 3-17 against Seattle the last ten years. Ouch.
EDIT: The afternoon games thread is LIVE.
+1 Trail of tears running down my cheeks from laughing.
The Bears are going to lose to the Packers by 8. THE BEARS ARE ONLY GOING TO LOSE BY 8!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOO HOO!
Nevermind.
Fuck it.
Fuck it all.
How have I not learnt my lesson about having hope?
Snyder Wars Episode IV: Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here
“Chan Gailey has accomplished what he wanted to accomplish”
Great, there goes all our secure computer information.
That must be what happened here Thursday!
At least now I’ll have an excuse next time my Amex is declined.
Thursday Night Football’s official motto should be “Eh, it’s football…”
I’m in so many leagues/drink so much that I thought, “I’m gonna pick up Harvin, he’s a major part of the Bills offence”. I went to the league where I felt I needed him the most and saw him sitting on my bench.
I love listening to nonfootball people attempt to talk football, especially when they can’t tell the jerseys apart
Kenny Britt is still in the league? That’s something.
I might have started him on my team in Sill’s insane 20 team league. Or maybe it was Kenny Stills; I’m not really sure who’s on the team.
You guys are sadists. Fun sadists, but sadists nonetheless.
Ladies and Gents, the Kirk Cousins era in Washington:
You may as well just go pick up that pack of razors, forget the cake-mix and cut to the chase.
Up 21, under 5 left, let’s see if the Jets can fuck this up.
No overtime required in this factory.
Wrong comment…oops.
Probably not. Their top failmaker is sidelined with a broken jaw.
Even when it isn’t JFF’s fault, the Factory maintains maximum Sadness output.
Bears struggle all game, Cutler fucks up in a critical point, meatheads bleat endlessly.
Same as it ever was.
The end of Hoyer Country?
Catler is doing an excellent late season Tony Romo impression.
No blitz anticipation, miscommunication, wobbly throw. The skins offense firing on all cylinders.
Clay Fukkin’ Matthews….
And like clockwork, Cutler delivers on the game ending interception.
Thorception!
CATLERCEPTION
The skins are deciding if they want to get tackled short of the first, throw it incomplete, or throw the pick. Or run it up the middle, because Jay Gruden.
So what game so far qualifies as good old fashioned smash-mouth football?
Jax/Car. No live RZ cut-ins the whole 2nd half!
Skins fins good Ole fashioned slap nuts football
Come on, Bears. At least cover for me. And throw to Royal, goddamnit.
Jay Gruden telling a qb they earned the right to be in a spot is almost like a German soldier telling someone they earned a right to be in a boxcar.
I probably shouldn’t have laughed as hard as I did reading that.
This has to be in the early running for the top line comment next week.
Jay Cutler prepares for this crucial 4th quarter drive…
http://media.giphy.com/media/GuUw0ytYvxd8Q/giphy.gif
Swiggity swooty……..
Eddie Lacy, WR is pretty hilarious.
That’s the Rams we all know and don’t really love but have come to accept for who they are.
Pretty top notch gag job, right?
Like, Sasha Grey level gagging.
YUP!
/faps anyways
Never change Foles
Alright, thats it. Just shut the Browns down for the rest of the season. No one needs to see this shit.
The “leave wallet, drink, and bacon guy” is just an aloof, ladies gardening hat wearing (with a flower!), acoustic guitar playing, “alternative thinking”, eccentric musician.
Ladies love him and men want to BE him!
Sensitive Elliot
Depending on where you live, that last statement could be completely accurate.
Portlandia 2: The Seattle Years
As a not-guitarist, every time I see one of those guys I want to smash said guitar over their head. Repeatedly.
Sounds like any given Sunday in Austin.
If the Jets aren’t bad, what are we going to laugh about?
Oh yeah, the Browns still exist.
JFFumble 2: Boogaloo Cancelled Due to Sadness
In the Bears/Packers game, Buck just called that a “defensive stand’. Looked more like “offensive derp” to me
It’s Joe Buck, what’d you expect?
Johnny Fucking Football, everybody!
Manziel’s game is kind of like a reverse ugly ducking. Started out as a gorgeous swan and just getting uglier by the possession.
Christ, Manziel blows.
Not surprised about Manziel but the news about Christ lifted my eyebrows.
[*Redacted] s finding new and creative ways to fuel my alcoholism…. didn’t think that was possible at this late stage in my life.
Another long drive resulting in a fucking field goal?
Holy shit! Wait, they’re going for a TD!
…
GODDAMN IT
As much as I hate that they’re going to lose this one, I feel about a hundred times better about this season’s prospects than I did three hours ago.
Crisis averted. We can now safely ignore the Bears the rest of the season.
Another long drive resulting in a fucking field goal?
Holy shit! Wait, they’re going for a TD!
…
GODDAMN IT
Is it Colt McCoy time?
For the record I’m not wearing pants.
Duly noted
We know, might want to disable your webcam.
I’m wearing shorts, does that count?
/paraphrasing
“The crowd is really into this game. We’ve heard chants of “Go Rams Go” here.
But did they want to Ram it?
Bears did a good?!? And what’s a Marquise Wilson?
Turns out Cousins kinda sucks too.
BUT COOCH HE’S NOOT ONE OF THOOOSE PEOPLE COOCH!
It’s nice that the Jets finally get to feel like what it’s like to beat up on a criminally incompetent team. Usually, they are on the receiving end of that.
This concept of Jets competence confuses and INFURIATES me!
Hey they were pretty competent the first 90 minutes last season and we know how that ship turned out.
Wooo, I think.
Moving is still a pain in the ass.
I feel your pain-this sofa is sooooo comfy.
Better call Ape.
Ivorydown!
WOOOOOOOOOOOO
Factory of Sadness is already taken so I vote being the Skins represent D.C. they become known as ‘The Department of Groanland Affairs’
Isiah Pead The Bed.
Got a feeling that the Rams are going to give this one away.
Two things regarding Mauldin:
1.) It really didn’t look like too big or bad of hit.
2.) He didn’t give the thumbs-up as they wheeled him out.
The hits that look like nothing seem to be the ones that do the worst damage. Let’s hope that isn’t the case this time.
They sent him right to the hospital. Really not good