Taste the Pants-Free Lifestyle-Your Late Games Open Thread

I don’t know about you but it looks like an absolutely beautiful fall day out there. A great day to work in the yard, as a matter of fact. But I won’t be doing that AT ALL. Because of the football, you see. Glorious, glorious games with frothing at the mouth giants trying to disembowel some other guy because he prefers to wear a uniform with a different colour on it. Existential, huh? No? Well, umm, here are the games…

Det vs SD: Melvin Gordon makes his debut against last year’s best rushing defense. Sure there are Suh pieces missing but Melvin [giggles quietly to himself] has some work to do. Welcome to the NFL buddy. These teams rarely play each other so that’s important. The Bolts have 8-8 written all over them.

Ten at TB: I can only assume that this will be the featured game because the NFL is a stupidhead. Titans! Bucs! Oh My! Mariota begins the massive uphill struggle that is getting acclimated to the whys, wherefores and whatchamacallits of the pro game. Evans plans to play but if he’s a no-go don’t blame me for starting him in fantasy. (hamstrings are a such dicey thing with wideouts) Winston gets the start and I miss Giraffe already.

Cin at Oak: This one is for all the chili that you can pour over Ramen noodles. Hey, we’re on a budget! The dangerous (to himself) Dalton has quality help in Green and Hill and he’ll need it because it looks like Khalil Mack is the second coming of [insert name of your favourite defensive player here]. Cincy has never won in Oakland-they’re 0-9.

Bal at Den: This here is the feature game for the 4:25(?) slot. E.S.T. RULES! Apparently the Broncs are dialing it back on O because Peyton can’t feel his fingers or somesuch. I don’t get what the big deal is, I hardly have any feelings at all and I’m fine. Although CJ is a fine back the Ravens are always quite stuffy on D so we’ll see where that goes. Smith, Sr., just get this year over with so that you can get into the booth and be the most interesting talking head since David Byrne.

NO vs Ari: Carson is back! Fans are hoping that last year’s surprising-est team (9 games in) that flew under most folks radar is back and that the window to glory is still open. On paper that seems to be the case. On the other side, Brees has to adjust to the loss of Graham, an aging Colston and the addition of Spiller. Regarding Spiller, and I never get tired of saying this, “He can’t run between the tackles!”. I think Brees will manage just fine with these new variables. If his arm was chewing gum I’d say that there’s still some flavour left. Not sure about that D though…

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Subscribe
Notify of
854 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
King Hippo

Ratbirds safety is imminent.

Awww nuts SD came back and took the lead, Laserface is going to be extra insufferable.

John Difool

Coach: “I’m opening the pod bay doors for you to throw it deep”
Manningbot 9000: “This mission is way too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it cooch.”

fleshwound_NPG

I’m back.

So let’s see her back.

http://supermodelboutique.com/Full/SH-29069-a.jpg

Doktor Zymm

I just ate ALL the hot dogs. There are no more hot dogs. Also, whenever I see a 26.2 sticker on a car I feel a powerful urge to vandalize it. You paid a bunch of money to have people cheer at you while you did something pointless. CONGRATUFUCKINGLATIONS.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

26.2? Me no unnastand.

VonTazeMeBro

::mails you a 0.0 sticker for your car::

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

But what if I died after informing everyone we defeated the Persian invasion force.

Mother Puncher

::sadly tucks away collection of 5k medals in the back of the closet::

litre_cola

Once again I appreciate whomever set up this website, as my gf just stated “Are you enjoying your new NFL nerdery?”

Yes, yes I am.

blaxabbath

She can hang out with my girlfriend.

litre_cola

Fine by me, mine is making tacos. Sound good?

/ksk had nothing on this place

Gratliff

The closer I move to Detroit, the funnier it gets

Dick E. Phuck

Lions are Staffording this game away.

Sill Bimmons

JUST WHEN I WANT TO BE HAPPY FOR YOU YOU DO THE IN COM PLETE

blaxabbath

Jesus Christ — just imagine if insurance companies actually had to pay out on policies? They’d have no money to cover their bullshit on every corner of television, radio, and billboards.

entropy

Better, yet, how about some truth in advertising:

“We’re your insurance company. You’re going to pay us, month in, month out, for the rest of your life. One the off chance you DO need us, we will become unavailable. We’ll avoid you. Forget you exist. And drop you at the first hint of a payout. But I sound very, very soothing, so none of that matters.”

blaxabbath

So….am I getting a Steve Jobs movie every year now?

King Hippo

Strange, I still don’t care about 90 minutes of Apple products circle jerking. WEIRD!

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

Plus at least 6 comic book movies.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Until they get it right. So yes.

Romonobyl

You’ll get one every year whether you feel like you need it or not. Sound familiar?

blaxabbath

Cards showing what a nonexistent running game can do.

Just like 2014!

entropy

Chris Johnson is running like he’s getting shot at—-oh. Never mind.

entropy

“If he could catch he’d be a receiver.”

Damn goods hands on that INT

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Hey, we’ve got Redzone!

My noticer skills are sub-par.

Sill Bimmons

Late slate is boring as whaleshit.

Sill Bimmons

HEY RRRRRAAAAAAIIIIIDDDDDDDAAAAAHHHHHHHSSSSSSSSSSS

http://c1.staticflickr.com/7/6232/6289066629_f92027b1c3.jpg

entropy

NO PARTICIPATION TROPHIES!!!

Beastmode Ate My Baby

-James Harrison

blackroseMD1

Here’s one for them.

http://i.imgur.com/7WG4gs3.jpg

blaxabbath

Beezey-ception!

Moonbatting Average

If this is early season Manning, weeks 12 or so through 17 are going to be brutal

King Hippo

The season is kaput. Ratbirds stacking the box and daring us to throw, and we can’t.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Flacco is a playmaker. As long as the ball is in his hands, Denver has a shot.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
blaxabbath

would penetrate.

King Hippo

She represents the Ravens’ front seven.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Insert witty “stiff front seven” joke here.
LOL….insert.

blaxabbath

We got stained concrete floors in the house. How do I get a hella shine on ’em? Do I need to rent a floor buffer from the local high school?

litre_cola

I read that as fluffer and immediately thought that was a high school was not where you should rent one.

Spur

Stayed down Winston…play hurt. Stay down and try to enjoy it.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Jameisack!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Aaaaand, back to FG’s

litre_cola

Good afternoon gents I hope everyone is hydrated and stretched before this.

Just turned on the TV what the hell is going on in Tampa????

Sill Bimmons

Marcus Mariota is apparently quite precocious!

WCS

Looks like PK’s going to have a new mancrush!

blaxabbath

Lovie is nothing without Rex.

blaxabbath

I wish a linebacker would initiate a sack celebration that is him mimicking zipping up a body bag.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Insurmountable lead in Denver.

King Hippo

It’s funny ’cause it’s true.

ASSHOLE

HeadBeeGuy

“Marc Trestman has a big play sheet”
I guess he must have misplaced that for the last two years. Glad he finally found it.

blaxabbath

“In your face, Neil Armstrong.”?

No – no one ever says that shit to Neil! Dude’s a trailblazer! First ma-fucker on the moon with less technology than my laptop!

entropy

Than your laptop? Motherfucker went to the moon on a slide rule! One step up from a fucking abacus and that day’s horoscope.

Sill Bimmons

Google “Neil Armstrong bails out” and watch the video.

Fucking insane.

entropy

Holy shit. That was amazing.

Sill Bimmons

COME ON ORANGE CRUSH

King Hippo

Orange Crush is tired as shit.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
King Hippo

OK, that one helped a little.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yes, she has a calming effect. Might be due to a reduction of blood flowing to the cranium, but who the fuck cares?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Flacco about to show you that SB MVP swagger. Get ready.

You ready?

blaxabbath

Swagger? Is that what you call posing in a static position?

Joe Flacco does.

theeWeeBabySeamus

For him…yes.

Spur

Watt, Luck, Mariota… I guess Jag fans take comfort in having the best Meth in Florida.

Gratliff

First year with redzone, and I’m fairly certain I’d kill to keep it. Unfortunately, I work till 5 on Sundays now, so I get to miss the bulk of the hilarious failure.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Sad Denver fans are sad.

King Hippo

The 6-10ing is nigh.

blaxabbath

Girlfriend not even watching the 2nd half of a one point game. There is no way she is going to enjoy the “in stadium” experience in two weeks.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

You may have to make an early-season trade.

Moonbatting Average

Which stadium?

blaxabbath

Fake College, Glendale, AZ

Mother Puncher

“There aren’t many African-American coaches in the league, and Marvin Lewis is the best one.”

-Chris Simms

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Affirmative Detraction

Sill Bimmons

Switching from RZ to Donks/Rats.

The rest of these games are bringing out my inner Catler.

blaxabbath

Fitz be all like, “Hey fool! All you gotta do it catch it like that!”

Then gets shot by a guy off the I-10.

Dick E. Phuck

I thought the Raiders would be competitive this year, but then I remembered that they hired Jack Del Rio.

King Hippo

should have factored that in

Sill Bimmons

MANNINGBOT OFFLINE

blaxabbath

He hurt?

Sill Bimmons

Not acutely.

entropy

No, just malfunctioning. Can’t play for shit.

Sill Bimmons

Goddamn it Fetus don’t do that against the Ratbirds!

entropy

That Verizon commercial is the best thing Luke McCown has ever done in a football uniform.

HeadBeeGuy

That throw was absolute peak Matthew Stafford.

Dick E. Phuck

“….”
-Titans fans after today’s game

King Hippo

didn’t help, mourning.

PeyPey, he dead

Beastmode Ate My Baby

She needs some double-sided tape.

Or not.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Cialis says I should stop after a four hour erection, but the Cleveland Browns have been a boner since 1999!

Sill Bimmons

BAD DUM BUM TSSSSSSH

Spur

Were the Buc fans saying “boo” or “Bu-urns”?

blaxabbath

Boo-ucs?

entropy

There are Bucs fans?

King Hippo

WE WANT THE GIRAFFE!

HeadBeeGuy

BOOOO…CK HER RIGHT IN THE PUSSY

Sill Bimmons

wow

John Difool

Anybody else have this overwhelming urge to take a pair of nail clippers to Tracy Wolfson’s face and cut that fuckin Mt. Everest of a mole off?

John Difool

She looks like Abe Lincoln without the beard.

King Hippo

True, though you should be nice and at least call her Mary-Todd.

Col. Duke LaCross

John Candy said it best…

http://youtu.be/-H-cWXr-n5I

1 3 4 5 6 7 9