I don’t know about you but it looks like an absolutely beautiful fall day out there. A great day to work in the yard, as a matter of fact. But I won’t be doing that AT ALL. Because of the football, you see. Glorious, glorious games with frothing at the mouth giants trying to disembowel some other guy because he prefers to wear a uniform with a different colour on it. Existential, huh? No? Well, umm, here are the games…
Det vs SD: Melvin Gordon makes his debut against last year’s best rushing defense. Sure there are Suh pieces missing but Melvin [giggles quietly to himself] has some work to do. Welcome to the NFL buddy. These teams rarely play each other so that’s important. The Bolts have 8-8 written all over them.
Ten at TB: I can only assume that this will be the featured game because the NFL is a stupidhead. Titans! Bucs! Oh My! Mariota begins the massive uphill struggle that is getting acclimated to the whys, wherefores and whatchamacallits of the pro game. Evans plans to play but if he’s a no-go don’t blame me for starting him in fantasy. (hamstrings are a such dicey thing with wideouts) Winston gets the start and I miss Giraffe already.
Cin at Oak: This one is for all the chili that you can pour over Ramen noodles. Hey, we’re on a budget! The dangerous (to himself) Dalton has quality help in Green and Hill and he’ll need it because it looks like Khalil Mack is the second coming of [insert name of your favourite defensive player here]. Cincy has never won in Oakland-they’re 0-9.
Bal at Den: This here is the feature game for the 4:25(?) slot. E.S.T. RULES! Apparently the Broncs are dialing it back on O because Peyton can’t feel his fingers or somesuch. I don’t get what the big deal is, I hardly have any feelings at all and I’m fine. Although CJ is a fine back the Ravens are always quite stuffy on D so we’ll see where that goes. Smith, Sr., just get this year over with so that you can get into the booth and be the most interesting talking head since David Byrne.
NO vs Ari: Carson is back! Fans are hoping that last year’s surprising-est team (9 games in) that flew under most folks radar is back and that the window to glory is still open. On paper that seems to be the case. On the other side, Brees has to adjust to the loss of Graham, an aging Colston and the addition of Spiller. Regarding Spiller, and I never get tired of saying this, “He can’t run between the tackles!”. I think Brees will manage just fine with these new variables. If his arm was chewing gum I’d say that there’s still some flavour left. Not sure about that D though…
Ratbirds safety is imminent.
Awww nuts SD came back and took the lead, Laserface is going to be extra insufferable.
Coach: “I’m opening the pod bay doors for you to throw it deep”
Manningbot 9000: “This mission is way too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it cooch.”
I’m back.
So let’s see her back.
http://supermodelboutique.com/Full/SH-29069-a.jpg
I just ate ALL the hot dogs. There are no more hot dogs. Also, whenever I see a 26.2 sticker on a car I feel a powerful urge to vandalize it. You paid a bunch of money to have people cheer at you while you did something pointless. CONGRATUFUCKINGLATIONS.
26.2? Me no unnastand.
::mails you a 0.0 sticker for your car::
But what if I died after informing everyone we defeated the Persian invasion force.
::sadly tucks away collection of 5k medals in the back of the closet::
Once again I appreciate whomever set up this website, as my gf just stated “Are you enjoying your new NFL nerdery?”
Yes, yes I am.
She can hang out with my girlfriend.
Fine by me, mine is making tacos. Sound good?
/ksk had nothing on this place
The closer I move to Detroit, the funnier it gets
Lions are Staffording this game away.
JUST WHEN I WANT TO BE HAPPY FOR YOU YOU DO THE IN COM PLETE
Not really pants:
http://40.media.tumblr.com/237b0a54a158a1370416585e7ee52a90/tumblr_npos8fqAAW1ryw66yo1_500.jpg
Jesus Christ — just imagine if insurance companies actually had to pay out on policies? They’d have no money to cover their bullshit on every corner of television, radio, and billboards.
Better, yet, how about some truth in advertising:
“We’re your insurance company. You’re going to pay us, month in, month out, for the rest of your life. One the off chance you DO need us, we will become unavailable. We’ll avoid you. Forget you exist. And drop you at the first hint of a payout. But I sound very, very soothing, so none of that matters.”
So….am I getting a Steve Jobs movie every year now?
Strange, I still don’t care about 90 minutes of Apple products circle jerking. WEIRD!
Plus at least 6 comic book movies.
Until they get it right. So yes.
You’ll get one every year whether you feel like you need it or not. Sound familiar?
Cards showing what a nonexistent running game can do.
Just like 2014!
Chris Johnson is running like he’s getting shot at—-oh. Never mind.
“If he could catch he’d be a receiver.”
Damn goods hands on that INT
Hey, we’ve got Redzone!
My noticer skills are sub-par.
Late slate is boring as whaleshit.
HEY RRRRRAAAAAAIIIIIDDDDDDDAAAAAHHHHHHHSSSSSSSSSSS
http://c1.staticflickr.com/7/6232/6289066629_f92027b1c3.jpg
NO PARTICIPATION TROPHIES!!!
-James Harrison
Here’s one for them.
http://i.imgur.com/7WG4gs3.jpg
Beezey-ception!
If this is early season Manning, weeks 12 or so through 17 are going to be brutal
The season is kaput. Ratbirds stacking the box and daring us to throw, and we can’t.
Flacco is a playmaker. As long as the ball is in his hands, Denver has a shot.
Out of orange juice, but pantsless.
http://41.media.tumblr.com/498ddeba636ffba29054716e94f78842/tumblr_muscz15svR1qd6umno1_1280.jpg
would penetrate.
She represents the Ravens’ front seven.
Insert witty “stiff front seven” joke here.
LOL….insert.
We got stained concrete floors in the house. How do I get a hella shine on ’em? Do I need to rent a floor buffer from the local high school?
I read that as fluffer and immediately thought that was a high school was not where you should rent one.
Stayed down Winston…play hurt. Stay down and try to enjoy it.
Jameisack!
Aaaaand, back to FG’s
Good afternoon gents I hope everyone is hydrated and stretched before this.
Just turned on the TV what the hell is going on in Tampa????
Marcus Mariota is apparently quite precocious!
Looks like PK’s going to have a new mancrush!
Lovie is nothing without Rex.
I wish a linebacker would initiate a sack celebration that is him mimicking zipping up a body bag.
Insurmountable lead in Denver.
It’s funny ’cause it’s true.
ASSHOLE
“Marc Trestman has a big play sheet”
I guess he must have misplaced that for the last two years. Glad he finally found it.
“In your face, Neil Armstrong.”?
No – no one ever says that shit to Neil! Dude’s a trailblazer! First ma-fucker on the moon with less technology than my laptop!
Than your laptop? Motherfucker went to the moon on a slide rule! One step up from a fucking abacus and that day’s horoscope.
Google “Neil Armstrong bails out” and watch the video.
Fucking insane.
Holy shit. That was amazing.
COME ON ORANGE CRUSH
Orange Crush is tired as shit.
Sheets, but no pants.
http://41.media.tumblr.com/e6e56cf02292e6623d83d862f0c4bd58/tumblr_n1e3j6MqzR1rol2yio1_1280.jpg
OK, that one helped a little.
Yes, she has a calming effect. Might be due to a reduction of blood flowing to the cranium, but who the fuck cares?
Flacco about to show you that SB MVP swagger. Get ready.
You ready?
Swagger? Is that what you call posing in a static position?
Joe Flacco does.
For him…yes.
Watt, Luck, Mariota… I guess Jag fans take comfort in having the best Meth in Florida.
First year with redzone, and I’m fairly certain I’d kill to keep it. Unfortunately, I work till 5 on Sundays now, so I get to miss the bulk of the hilarious failure.
Sad Denver fans are sad.
The 6-10ing is nigh.
Girlfriend not even watching the 2nd half of a one point game. There is no way she is going to enjoy the “in stadium” experience in two weeks.
You may have to make an early-season trade.
Which stadium?
Fake College, Glendale, AZ
“There aren’t many African-American coaches in the league, and Marvin Lewis is the best one.”
-Chris Simms
Affirmative Detraction
Switching from RZ to Donks/Rats.
The rest of these games are bringing out my inner Catler.
Fitz be all like, “Hey fool! All you gotta do it catch it like that!”
Then gets shot by a guy off the I-10.
I thought the Raiders would be competitive this year, but then I remembered that they hired Jack Del Rio.
should have factored that in
MANNINGBOT OFFLINE
He hurt?
Not acutely.
No, just malfunctioning. Can’t play for shit.
Goddamn it Fetus don’t do that against the Ratbirds!
That Verizon commercial is the best thing Luke McCown has ever done in a football uniform.
That throw was absolute peak Matthew Stafford.
“….”
-Titans fans after today’s game
http://36.media.tumblr.com/2ad072080eb81782148edb25c533f8da/tumblr_musczljICB1qd6umno1_500.jpg
didn’t help, mourning.
PeyPey, he dead
She needs some double-sided tape.
Or not.
Cialis says I should stop after a four hour erection, but the Cleveland Browns have been a boner since 1999!
BAD DUM BUM TSSSSSSH
Were the Buc fans saying “boo” or “Bu-urns”?
Boo-ucs?
There are Bucs fans?
WE WANT THE GIRAFFE!
BOOOO…CK HER RIGHT IN THE PUSSY
wow
Anybody else have this overwhelming urge to take a pair of nail clippers to Tracy Wolfson’s face and cut that fuckin Mt. Everest of a mole off?
She looks like Abe Lincoln without the beard.
True, though you should be nice and at least call her Mary-Todd.
John Candy said it best…
http://youtu.be/-H-cWXr-n5I