Taste the Pants-Free Lifestyle-Your Late Games Open Thread

I don’t know about you but it looks like an absolutely beautiful fall day out there. A great day to work in the yard, as a matter of fact. But I won’t be doing that AT ALL. Because of the football, you see. Glorious, glorious games with frothing at the mouth giants trying to disembowel some other guy because he prefers to wear a uniform with a different colour on it. Existential, huh? No? Well, umm, here are the games…

Det vs SD: Melvin Gordon makes his debut against last year’s best rushing defense. Sure there are Suh pieces missing but Melvin [giggles quietly to himself] has some work to do. Welcome to the NFL buddy. These teams rarely play each other so that’s important. The Bolts have 8-8 written all over them.

Ten at TB: I can only assume that this will be the featured game because the NFL is a stupidhead. Titans! Bucs! Oh My! Mariota begins the massive uphill struggle that is getting acclimated to the whys, wherefores and whatchamacallits of the pro game. Evans plans to play but if he’s a no-go don’t blame me for starting him in fantasy. (hamstrings are a such dicey thing with wideouts) Winston gets the start and I miss Giraffe already.

Cin at Oak: This one is for all the chili that you can pour over Ramen noodles. Hey, we’re on a budget! The dangerous (to himself) Dalton has quality help in Green and Hill and he’ll need it because it looks like Khalil Mack is the second coming of [insert name of your favourite defensive player here]. Cincy has never won in Oakland-they’re 0-9.

Bal at Den: This here is the feature game for the 4:25(?) slot. E.S.T. RULES! Apparently the Broncs are dialing it back on O because Peyton can’t feel his fingers or somesuch. I don’t get what the big deal is, I hardly have any feelings at all and I’m fine. Although CJ is a fine back the Ravens are always quite stuffy on D so we’ll see where that goes. Smith, Sr., just get this year over with so that you can get into the booth and be the most interesting talking head since David Byrne.

NO vs Ari: Carson is back! Fans are hoping that last year’s surprising-est team (9 games in) that flew under most folks radar is back and that the window to glory is still open. On paper that seems to be the case. On the other side, Brees has to adjust to the loss of Graham, an aging Colston and the addition of Spiller. Regarding Spiller, and I never get tired of saying this, “He can’t run between the tackles!”. I think Brees will manage just fine with these new variables. If his arm was chewing gum I’d say that there’s still some flavour left. Not sure about that D though…

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blaxabbath

Isn’t Bud Light racist for making a [*Redacted] s can?

entropy

I think we all know those pricks at Miller are the REAL racists for NOT making one.

Lions D looks like they just were shot by a Midwestern dentist.

Romonobyl

But nobody told him they were a terrible football team, how could he know?

makeitsnowondem

At least he didn’t lure them out of the stadium first.

Sill Bimmons
makeitsnowondem

Joe Flacco is a big, strong guy and how I hate him.

King Hippo

today you should LOVE him!

makeitsnowondem

Even when he throws a pick-six to the Broncos, he bones my Worst. League. Ever. team.

King Hippo

This game will end with Balmer attempting a 70-yard FG to tie.

makeitsnowondem

If I know Justin Tuck (and as a UT grad, I definitely do) that asshole will make it, too.

Moonbatting Average

Fun fact: both QBs in the Baltimore/Denver game have won Super Bowls. I know! Crazy, right?

blaxabbath

Sean Peyton looks like he’s gonna put a bounty on Rob Ryan.

Thrillhouse

“Fells the former basketball player” Finish your liquor cabinet.

blaxabbath

Gotta imagine SOMEONE has Darren Fells in their fantasy roster.

Sill Bimmons

Wait, when did George Bush become a character actor?

Romonobyl

About 15 years ago I think.

Mother Puncher

You don’t remember his DirectTV commercials?

King Hippo

I mean, this game is over if the Ratbirds take knees and punt.

phisherman

I came for the Flacco derp, and I wasn’t disappointed

blaxabbath

Chris Johnson looks like someone shot him.

I mean…again.

entropy

The bullet tumbled. To his knee, I mean.

Horatio Cornblower

Marc Trestmann hasn’t been that disappointed since Jared Fogle got arrested.

Dick E. Phuck

Trestmann has an extensive spreadsheet of all the schools in the Baltimore Metro area

Sill Bimmons

AS SALAAM ALEIKUM YOU MAGNIFICENT BASTARD

theeWeeBabySeamus

See…I tried to tell you not to lose faith, Hippo. Flaccid has you covered.

Gratliff

Pey-Pey off the hook! Commence praising!

King Hippo

HE JUST KNOWS HOW TO WIN!!!

/ppl forget that

Japanimal

Elite meter: Code RED!

King Hippo

THANKS, JOE!!

entropy

Insurmountable lead…. Flacco will take that bet!

Senor Weaselo

Pick sixes make you elite in Bal-Den!

Dick E. Phuck

ELITE-CEPTION

WCS

ELITECEPTIONDOWN

fleshwound_NPG

ELITE PICK SIX!

makeitsnowondem

ICE UP SON

Thrillhouse

Someone needs to get a gif of that frustrated Raiders fan, he’s the new baffled Jaguars (?) fan.

Doktor Zymm

Yeah, it’s always fun when a guy asks for change then offers to buy you breakfast. Sorry, hon.

Romonobyl

That was you?

ballsofsteelandfury

Boy, they are optimistic out your way aren’t they?

Sill Bimmons

Is there a more perfect asshole to take up Ol’ Stabby’s mantle than Ol’ Punchy?

fleshwound_NPG

digging that stairway railing

http://supermodelboutique.com/Full/SH-6000_A.jpg

Horatio Cornblower

That’s good iron work!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Imagine how loud the boos would be if the air wasn’t thin.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
King Hippo

CLASSY!!

Sill Bimmons

Pouncey, A. Brown and E. Sanders in the same draft.

Not bad.

King Hippo

Too bad Elway’s not still here, could go with the quick kick.

/could also still throw

//sobs

Dick E. Phuck

He’s still racing even after winning the Triple Crown.

Mother Puncher

Woodhead-like catch by Burkhead.

entropy

Did Darius Rucker just sack Brees?

Dick E. Phuck

Manning hasn’t gone in for an oil change in a while. Maybe that’s why he’s been shitting the bed all game.

blaxabbath

Hey look. Arizona discovers how to stop the screen going for 25 yards!

John Difool

Peyton Manning in the running for the next Mutual of Omaha spokesman.

entropy

Who’s going to have to be the one to take Manningbot behind the stadium and shut him down? PK, Collinsworth, or Joe Fucking Buck?

blaxabbath

Meteor 2016

Horatio Cornblower

Well, not PK; he’ll be the one lubricating the shattered components with his tears.

Dick E. Phuck

Marques Colston isn’t dead yet?

Romonobyl
Doktor Zymm

Also, sunday ticket streaming has been down all day. I paid good money to watch stupid teams play while drunkenly staggering home.

Sill Bimmons

boux

Sill Bimmons

HE CAN’T THROW ANYMORE

King Hippo

I’m legitimately sad to see him go out like this. He can make fun of himself, and overall doesn’t seem like a bad guy (by uber-rich athlete standards, at least).

Sill Bimmons

BUT THE COCK SLOBBERING DEAR GOD THE COCK SLOBBERING

King Hippo

Two complete passes, brings up 3rd and 4.

blaxabbath

Patrick Peterson continues his case for overrated sob.

Sill Bimmons

COM PLETE

entropy

Bishop Sankie scores TD, leads prayer circle for Jameis Winston’s career.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

I CALL THIS TEAM ATTACK ON TITAN, BECAUSE THEY ARE DEVOURING THE BUCS!

Horatio Cornblower

Holy shit mud, my daughter would love you.

In a related note, stay away from my daughter.

Gratliff

As an Eagles fan, I’m thrilled Chip didn’t go after Mariota

WCS

How is it that it’s already called my fantasy game?

King Hippo

exit poll data smgdh

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh