I don’t know about you but it looks like an absolutely beautiful fall day out there. A great day to work in the yard, as a matter of fact. But I won’t be doing that AT ALL. Because of the football, you see. Glorious, glorious games with frothing at the mouth giants trying to disembowel some other guy because he prefers to wear a uniform with a different colour on it. Existential, huh? No? Well, umm, here are the games…
Det vs SD: Melvin Gordon makes his debut against last year’s best rushing defense. Sure there are Suh pieces missing but Melvin [giggles quietly to himself] has some work to do. Welcome to the NFL buddy. These teams rarely play each other so that’s important. The Bolts have 8-8 written all over them.
Ten at TB: I can only assume that this will be the featured game because the NFL is a stupidhead. Titans! Bucs! Oh My! Mariota begins the massive uphill struggle that is getting acclimated to the whys, wherefores and whatchamacallits of the pro game. Evans plans to play but if he’s a no-go don’t blame me for starting him in fantasy. (hamstrings are a such dicey thing with wideouts) Winston gets the start and I miss Giraffe already.
Cin at Oak: This one is for all the chili that you can pour over Ramen noodles. Hey, we’re on a budget! The dangerous (to himself) Dalton has quality help in Green and Hill and he’ll need it because it looks like Khalil Mack is the second coming of [insert name of your favourite defensive player here]. Cincy has never won in Oakland-they’re 0-9.
Bal at Den: This here is the feature game for the 4:25(?) slot. E.S.T. RULES! Apparently the Broncs are dialing it back on O because Peyton can’t feel his fingers or somesuch. I don’t get what the big deal is, I hardly have any feelings at all and I’m fine. Although CJ is a fine back the Ravens are always quite stuffy on D so we’ll see where that goes. Smith, Sr., just get this year over with so that you can get into the booth and be the most interesting talking head since David Byrne.
NO vs Ari: Carson is back! Fans are hoping that last year’s surprising-est team (9 games in) that flew under most folks radar is back and that the window to glory is still open. On paper that seems to be the case. On the other side, Brees has to adjust to the loss of Graham, an aging Colston and the addition of Spiller. Regarding Spiller, and I never get tired of saying this, “He can’t run between the tackles!”. I think Brees will manage just fine with these new variables. If his arm was chewing gum I’d say that there’s still some flavour left. Not sure about that D though…
Isn’t Bud Light racist for making a [*Redacted] s can?
I think we all know those pricks at Miller are the REAL racists for NOT making one.
Lions D looks like they just were shot by a Midwestern dentist.
But nobody told him they were a terrible football team, how could he know?
At least he didn’t lure them out of the stadium first.
FUCKIN A ORANGE CRUSH WOOTHEFUCKINHOOOOOOOOOOO
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Joe Flacco is a big, strong guy and how I hate him.
today you should LOVE him!
Even when he throws a pick-six to the Broncos, he bones my Worst. League. Ever. team.
This game will end with Balmer attempting a 70-yard FG to tie.
If I know Justin Tuck (and as a UT grad, I definitely do) that asshole will make it, too.
Fun fact: both QBs in the Baltimore/Denver game have won Super Bowls. I know! Crazy, right?
Sean Peyton looks like he’s gonna put a bounty on Rob Ryan.
“Fells the former basketball player” Finish your liquor cabinet.
Gotta imagine SOMEONE has Darren Fells in their fantasy roster.
Wait, when did George Bush become a character actor?
About 15 years ago I think.
You don’t remember his DirectTV commercials?
I mean, this game is over if the Ratbirds take knees and punt.
I came for the Flacco derp, and I wasn’t disappointed
Chris Johnson looks like someone shot him.
I mean…again.
The bullet tumbled. To his knee, I mean.
Marc Trestmann hasn’t been that disappointed since Jared Fogle got arrested.
Trestmann has an extensive spreadsheet of all the schools in the Baltimore Metro area
AS SALAAM ALEIKUM YOU MAGNIFICENT BASTARD
See…I tried to tell you not to lose faith, Hippo. Flaccid has you covered.
Pey-Pey off the hook! Commence praising!
HE JUST KNOWS HOW TO WIN!!!
/ppl forget that
Elite meter: Code RED!
THANKS, JOE!!
Insurmountable lead…. Flacco will take that bet!
Pick sixes make you elite in Bal-Den!
ELITE-CEPTION
ELITECEPTIONDOWN
ELITE PICK SIX!
ICE UP SON
Someone needs to get a gif of that frustrated Raiders fan, he’s the new baffled Jaguars (?) fan.
Yeah, it’s always fun when a guy asks for change then offers to buy you breakfast. Sorry, hon.
That was you?
Boy, they are optimistic out your way aren’t they?
Is there a more perfect asshole to take up Ol’ Stabby’s mantle than Ol’ Punchy?
digging that stairway railing
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That’s good iron work!
Imagine how loud the boos would be if the air wasn’t thin.
Pantless reading…. A READER.
http://36.media.tumblr.com/a74f643765039f45c39f94e7d7d5e39a/tumblr_muscyoKnCY1qd6umno1_500.jpg
CLASSY!!
Pouncey, A. Brown and E. Sanders in the same draft.
Not bad.
Too bad Elway’s not still here, could go with the quick kick.
/could also still throw
//sobs
He’s still racing even after winning the Triple Crown.
Woodhead-like catch by Burkhead.
Did Darius Rucker just sack Brees?
Manning hasn’t gone in for an oil change in a while. Maybe that’s why he’s been shitting the bed all game.
Hey look. Arizona discovers how to stop the screen going for 25 yards!
Peyton Manning in the running for the next Mutual of Omaha spokesman.
Who’s going to have to be the one to take Manningbot behind the stadium and shut him down? PK, Collinsworth, or Joe Fucking Buck?
Meteor 2016
Well, not PK; he’ll be the one lubricating the shattered components with his tears.
Marques Colston isn’t dead yet?
I have the sudden urge to buy a motorboat.
http://41.media.tumblr.com/16998ecb56c9ec08a028e259ff51101e/tumblr_ntpzchgPQ61te0okio1_500.jpg
Also, sunday ticket streaming has been down all day. I paid good money to watch stupid teams play while drunkenly staggering home.
boux
HE CAN’T THROW ANYMORE
I’m legitimately sad to see him go out like this. He can make fun of himself, and overall doesn’t seem like a bad guy (by uber-rich athlete standards, at least).
BUT THE COCK SLOBBERING DEAR GOD THE COCK SLOBBERING
Two complete passes, brings up 3rd and 4.
Patrick Peterson continues his case for overrated sob.
COM PLETE
Bishop Sankie scores TD, leads prayer circle for Jameis Winston’s career.
I CALL THIS TEAM ATTACK ON TITAN, BECAUSE THEY ARE DEVOURING THE BUCS!
Holy shit mud, my daughter would love you.
In a related note, stay away from my daughter.
As an Eagles fan, I’m thrilled Chip didn’t go after Mariota
How is it that it’s already called my fantasy game?
exit poll data smgdh
No pants allowed at the beach house.
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