Coach Duchess’ Guide to Little League – Part III

/Blows whistle

Alright, boys bring it in, bring it in. Settle down and take a knee. I said take a knee as in singular Skylar do it right or I’ll run you all until I throw up.

Ok good, It been a good couple of practices and I commend you all on your work ethic. Hell Everyone out on this field deserves a good round of applause for picking to play the greatest game in the world.
I want to ask you guys… How many people does it take to score a basket in basketball? One. How many people does it take to hit a home run? One. How many people does it take to score a touchdown? Eleven. Because everybody has got a job to do and if you do your job we will be unbeatable. Sure the sports news and what not will talk about how many Touchdowns a running back will get, but frankly that running back would have been on his ass had it not been for all the blocking. Ya’ll Understand? Good. I want you all to watch something.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2gaHewzBI3U

If those hits don’t get you excited I don’t know why you are out here. All ya’ll are 8-9 yrs old now… So what’s the deal with all this crying? Come on now. This is dadgum football boys you’re gonna get banged up you’re gonna get bruised… you’re gonna get hurt. You heard me right you’re gonna get hurt. And what’s the difference between being hurt and injured? That’s right. If you’re hurt you cans till play and if you’re injured you can’t. Hell, I’m going to tell you a story about the roughest toughest 12 yr old I ever coached. This kid was tough he was the grandson of an NFL player so he was bred for the sport. Named Rex and played right tackle for me. One game we had a tough one against those hick jack-asses from Chantilly and Rex, well, he got a little banged up. He came over to me face wet like he’s been crying. He told me his head hurt. We’ll I sat him on the bench and told him are you hurt or are you injured? Because it was a big game and his team needed him. Does he think he can go out there and play some more for his teammates? He said yes. And by golly you could see him out there getting in his 3 point stance fighting back the pain and taking it out on the other kids. Sure after the game his MOM took him to see a doctor and he missed the next 3 weeks due to a concussion.

Which brings me to my next point. Don’t go to a damn doctor if you’re hurt. Their number one job is to tell you to stop playing football. Guess what boys I’ve played and coached football longer than you boys have been alive. Who do you think knows more about whether or not you should be out there a doctor who doesn’t want to get sued, or me your coach? That’s right, me. Boys, this is football and we are all family. Sure I may yell at you but that only means I care about you. Doctors, well they don’t care about you those greedy little assholes only want to run expensive tests on you that your parents have to pay for. Why to tell you to take a week or two off of football?

Lastly pregame chants. I don’t believe in them let the other team whoop and holler around like a bunch of… zoo animals. Act like you’ve been there before. And god forbid I hear one of you boys say something about “protecting your house”, or whose house?” Look at me boys \, now I mean it. I don’t give a flip about whose house it is our, house, their house a dog house or an out-house… I’m not out here to play house like a dadgum sissy. I play football. Got that? Good bring it in, Team on three than grab a quick shot of water and come back for some Oklahoma. Not you Skylar, you stay right here you didn’t earn water.

New Parent Orientation
New Coach Orientation
Player Orientation
Team Parents Orientation

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Don T

It took a Buffalo Wings flag football commercial to realize that now TV rarely shows junior high or younger kids in helmet and shoulders pads. As a demanding consumer of violence, this is disheartening. But as long as peer pressure and “Pussy!” is part of the game, I guess the battle against softness will be won.

Another dynamite installment.

makeitsnowondem

Roethlisberger: OH HEY COACH

Bettis: Actually, I’m a bus.

Wakezilla

./watches the youtube video

I’m not sure what’s more shocking: The fact I can see those kids get CTE, the fact those coaches are sitll probably coaching or the fact there were other adults around and they were OK watching this. Jesus.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
jjfozz

Missed my son’s football game – he’s 8 and goes about 90 lbs and we call him Beast Mode, I know, I am a terrible parent – and he said, “Good! I made three kids cry.”

I have to admit, I felt conflicted.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I made three kids cry.

Sounds like a regular old Tuesday for Brad Childress.

Wakezilla

“You need help making those kids stop crying?”

— Louise Woodward–

nomonkeyfun

I can help you get rid of three at once.

PS. Don’t forget to blame a black guy.

-Susan Smith

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

This is about the age where Draftking or Fandual start indoctrinating them.

SonOfSpam

“Okay kids, come on over a take a knee. In fact, take two knees.”

– Jerry Sandusky

Bloody Lethal

Off topic. I need to buy a portable laptop computer. What kind of computer should I buy.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Are you paying for it yourself? Anything but an Apple.

Is someone else (i.e. work) paying for it? An Apple, then install BootCamp and run Windows on it.

Wakezilla

What’s wrong with Apple? Did their Laptops go down the shitter?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I don’t care for OSX, but that’s just a personal preference. Their hardware is top-notch. My issue with Apple is that all their stuff is vastly overpriced – so if someone else is paying for it, it make sense, but if not you’re spending a huge chunk of your hard-earned money on a logo.

Bloody Lethal

I am paying for it myself. I haven’t owned a computer in a few years. I am a PC guy usually. I will use it working from home, running the trivia night I do (I run a fast track M-Audio thing-a-magig to external speakers), maybe some video editing, maybe some gaming (but I usually stick with ps4) and most likely browsing the internet. I just want it to be affordable, amenable, and durable.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You want a full laptop and not a notebook, right?

Bloody Lethal

It just needs to do the job.

nomonkeyfun

01010100 01101000 01100101 01111001 00100111 01110010 01100101 00100000 01110100 01100001 01101011 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01101010 01100101 01110010 01100010 01110011 00100001 00001101 00001010 00001101 00001010 00101101 01000100 01100101 01110011 01101011 01110100 01101111 01110000 01110011

Old School Zero

Make sure you ask for one that comes with The Internet. Get a clear answer from the salesperson as to whether or not it comes with The Internet, because you really want a model that has The Internet.

montythisseemsstrangetome

Don’t be fooled by knock-off PC’s that have The “Enternet” on them.

nomonkeyfun

But does it have The Jeeves? I hear he really knows how to deal with problems. Eats lots of fish I understand.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Learn from my mistake; once you get it home don’t try to download The Internet.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Warthog

One of the few things my parents did that I thought was good was allow me to play football. Then I watched that video and revisited all my former injuries and current pains and I now realize that it fits the rest of their child rearing patterns. Fuck.

blaxabbath

My older brother played Pop Warner one year. He must have been, I don’t know, ten? My dad was the coach (or, a coach, not sure). They lost so many players that I suited up the last three games, including our championship win. I did not play a snap, pretty sure I just ran laps at practice, but got steak the night before each game, as was the agreement.

/Looking back, pretty sure it was like flank steak.
//Track state champion. Never took a hit.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Track state champion? No demonstrable football skills? Give that kid a contract! $30 million guaranteed.”

– Al Davis

blaxabbath

“It wasn’t a sprint event, but the half-mile you say? Perfect! We’ve got just the field for him! Hope he likes a cheque for $8,000/game. buddy!”
-CFAl Davis

SonOfSpam

The 800 sucks balls, so kudos to you. Ever break 1:50? WELL DIDJA???

/currently could not break 1 hour 50 minutes in the 800

blaxabbath

I did not. 1:54 in a slow race in a slow year. But no one can take that medal away from me!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“No one can take metal away from me either.”

– Norwegian Black Metal Enthusiast Tony Romo

blaxabbath

That’s cuz like all American kids are heavyweights now.
Also, the NFL selling that football is growing is the only news of this I have heard. Everything about millenials/helicopter parents/THE ECONOMY suggest youth football participation would be down. Then again, The Border is still wide open….

Wakezilla

The only other site challenging the decline and saying there is an increase is Forbes. But the writer was a poor man’s PK, so I couldn’t actually finish the article because it was so incoherent, contradictory and stupid.

Everything I hear about costs in football makes me think of hockey in Canada. The costs are getting so ridiculous that we’re about to witness a severe decline in participation. And that’s before we even talk about concussions.

blaxabbath

Got a lot of lawyers on here (::shudders::), there has got to be some limitation to these waivers that parents/players sign in rec sports. I mean, you send your kid out to play football and the other team has a reputation of trying to hurt other kids with cheap shots, late hits, etc. Skylar’s knee gets wrecked by Tiny Suh on a late hit after the league has received multiple complaints about the Lil ‘Fins — come on, there’s gotta be something beyond, “We’re sending Johnny to fight ISIS in Syria as practice this week and that’s ok because you signed a waiver!”

Enrico Pallazzo

A good coach tells his defense to play 60 minutes of “Smear The Queer”. A great coach covers the spread.

blaxabbath

“You know the queer because he’s smearing himself with Axe Body Spray. You see, he wants to be smeared!”

-Tony Dungy

nomonkeyfun

You would think Dungy would be more comfortable with cornhole, having grownup in the midwest.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

of butt cheeks?

blaxabbath

Water? They should be chewing on salt tablets while you lecture them. Fucking CBA/Child Labor Laws ain’t letting them get enough practice time as it is.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The short ones live longer at the cotton mill.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The one where they just ran helmets into each other and both went down hard…. I played that three times.

Anybody else automatically root against the Cowboy uniformed team?

http://38.media.tumblr.com/3f1d94a4aea575633fc17f9a8345f6f4/tumblr_nsj6ohc9RT1qls3mfo1_400.gif

pickettschargeksk

For a moment I started asking myself questions like “what skill does that improve?” and “what in god’s name do they think they’re doing?” but I realized, of course, that such questions are irrelevant. The twenty yard dash into each other is the purest distillation of the Football As Moulder Of Men anthem so often sung by what the writer David Roth refers to as the Man Up Men’s Chorus: compelling children who should still be playing with toys to do unto each other a violence that somehow manages to be exaggerated to the point of fantasy even for a collision sport, in the service of some mumbled and ill-considered shit about gender roles, or something. It’s a good thing the young are resilient as hell.

blaxabbath

This is why offseason conditioning is so important. It’s not enough to have explosive speed, you need to be able to hold it for 20 yards because if you’re decelerating when you go head to head with another 7 year old immovable object….hoo boy.

nomonkeyfun

Now I know why my mother didn’t let me play Pop Warner football.
Baseball was much more her cuppa.
When I was ten, I got hit in the chest with a pitch and went down like an intern near Clinton.
After I went to first, the coach pulled me out of the game and forced me to go to my mom to let her know I was okay.

/Why yes, I did wind up in a few lockers in high school. Even worse, it was band people that put me there.

Horatio Cornblower

“Is you hurt or is you injured?”

God coaches are such assholes.

Wakezilla

At least now they can’t emasculate you even more with calling you a homo or telling you you’re acting like a little bitch or anything. . . and you can water in 100 degree heat #progress

BrettFavresColonoscopy

“Nice lick, Charlie.”

–Marc Trestman