Your Early Slate Open Thread

Was @ NYJ: This game features two above average D’s that get it done differently. The Slurs blitz a league-low 11% of the time and the Jets a league-high 53%. QB-wise Cousins has two pick-sixes that have lost games and Fitz hasn’t cracked 1,000 yds yet and has 6 Int’s to go with his 64.5 QBR. TO THE RUN GAME! Ivory  is a tough, slug-it-out between the tackles type that usually doesn’t go down after first contact. No wonder he’s had so much trouble with injuries through his career. Morris is a slogger as well, averaging 3.1 ypc this month. Looks like an old-timey fight-it-out-in-the-trenches kind of game to me. I think the under on this game is 3.

Ari @ Pit: Vick has a dog’s breath QBR of 28-dead last in the league but you already knew that and the fact that this game depends on Bell. ‘Zona’s wins have come against NO, the Bears, the 9er’s and Detroit. So yeah, they can beat down their weaker brothers but this is a test I think they’ll fail. According to PFF, DE Heyward and LB Harrison are the 5th and 2nd best at getting QB disruptions at their respective positions. I’m glad to see the Hall of Fame Fitz is having a big bounce-back year-he’s averaging 8+ targets per game and making the most of them, having scored 6 TD’s already.

KC @ Min: In KC, if you look to the West there are Charcandrick’s as far as the eye can see. Most of the talk in that town centers around how exactly will Andy Reid mis-use him. I’m going with, “chews up significant yardage, gets into a groove and then is taken out of the game for seven minutes”. Meanwhile, no worries in Minny about AP-he just moved into 10th place all-time for RB TD’s. As we all know, Smith is faced with the blitz often on 3rd down and can’t handle it. He’s ranked 34th out of 35 qualifying QB’s with respect to QBR on that down-expect the Vikes to have a series of small get-togethers in the Chiefs backfield over the course of the game.

Cin @ Buf: Dalton is my “Five Games In” MVP. He’s racked up 1500+ yards, 11 TD’s with only 2 picks-he’s doing everything right at the moment. Soooo…needless to say, die-hard Bengal-backers are wondering when the other cleat is going to drop. The Bills should get McCoy back today after Boobie brought the 2.7 ypc thunder against the Titans last week. Hey Look!-over there under “Questionable” status, it’s Percy Harvin getting comfortable again. It looks like Manuel gets the start today-maybe he’ll play really well and the Bills will have a QB controversey on their hands? Nah.

Chi @ Det: Yards per pass attempt-wise you’re looking at the two worst teams in the league. Of course an argument could be made that you’re looking at the two worst teams, period. Let’s move on, shall we?

Den @ Cle: The Bronc’s have given up 79 points total so far this year-don’t expect too many more to be added to that total today. What’s got only one functioning arm and is using it to hang on for dear life? The Peyton, that’s what. His 77 QBR is 20 points below his career average. He should use that big noggin of his to figure out that this is his last year. I’ve turned the corner on Josh. He’s thrown for over 1200 yards (to the likes of Barnidge, Bowe, Hartline and Hawkins-though Benjamin has been a surprise) with just the one pick. That said, he’ll probably double that total to two after this game. The Brownies have numerous problems but the QB spot isn’t one of them.

Hou @ Jax: Speaking of doubling up, one of these teams will do so in the win column today. Hopkins is on fire-his 578 yards and 75 targets lead the league. The one game I saw (yeah, I watched a Texans game, come at me) he did whatever the hell he wanted to do on the field, no matter the coverage and with ridiculous ease. Hoyermallet will get the start though if history is any indicator, we may see some Mallethoyer. The Houston coaching staff is looking more and more like that girlfriend that can’t quite decide between the red dress or the green dress. Over at a Jax fan site they’re celebrating the fact that they’re favoured for the first time this year. Hug that one point close Lennie, I mean Jags fans, but not too tight unless you strangle it a la Of Mice And Men. I do think that a steady dose of Yeldon, Hurns and Robinson should get this done though.

Mia @ Ten: Titans have lost their last 7 home games. Ouch. Meanwhile, new coach Campbell had this to say upon being hired, “Miso excited about this opportunity to turn this team around. Rest assured we will play Miller a lot more-he’ll be ramen left, ramen right and ramen right up the middle. Landry will dashi up and down the field, no doubt about that. The D is going to be more aggressive-I’ll be calling for bisques from all directions. We’ve got to get the opposing QB to say to himself, ‘What The Pho?’ Okay, I’ve got to go and prepare my team, GAZPACHO, one and all!”

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makeitsnowondem

Cleveland must score here to maximize the sadness.

John Difool

Oh, [*Redacted] s…. never stop [*Redacted] ning…..

entropy

what would we all do if Snyder said he’d change the name immediately following a Slurs’ Super Bowl win? Would people sort of have to root for them then?

Doktor Zymm

No.

JustStopDude

He is holding out for a new stadium. That is the ONLY reason why he has not just gone and changed the name.

King Hippo

Spend 3 hours at a bar with a bunch of vocal, tubby Yinzers and you will have a new least favourite team (non-GREATRIOTS division).

litre_cola

They must be insufferable right now. Bordering on Bostonian.

entropy

I live in PA. They’re always fucking insufferable.

tundrajim

Gotta admire the classiness of the Jags fans, who stay quiet for both teams’ offenses.

Sill Bimmons

Mike Mitchell did a good and then died?

Mike Mitchell did a good and then died!

makeitsnowondem

I wish this were happening to Brady. We could call it The Curious Case of Benjamin Buttchin.

makeitsnowondem

God dammit, wrong reply.

Old School Zero

Peyton Manning is aging before our eyes at a rate only previously seen in Indiana Jones movies.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

+1

JustStopDude

OMAHA…..

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Gatoraids

Opens up Ark of The PapaJohns

blaxabbath

Forcing a pick. You suck Palmer! We need to trade our 1st for Landry Jones to try to salvage a wild card birth this season!

WCS

PALMERCEPTION

Sill Bimmons

LET THEM SCORE

Doktor Zymm
King Hippo

We will make the world our power bottom!

Doktor Zymm

If you found that photo in a perfectly innocent search for cute pony pictures, could you NOT post it?

evilbeaver8

When Jay Cutler plays well, its Bears fans who get the most pissed off.

Old School Zero

The Bills vs. the Jaguars streaming on Yahoo is being sued by Patton Oswalt for plagiarizing his classic ‘failure pile’ bit.

Doktor Zymm

Cause they’re stretchy. I have super flexible elbows, so there are certain martial arts holds that are supposed to be submissions that just don’t work on me.

fleshwound_NPG

“Code Back? My favorite DVD!”

– Aaron Rodgers

WCS

Have there been any DraftDuelFanKings commercials?

(I don’t want to say that too loud, for fear of waking the beast…)

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Bears TD and 2 pt conversion!

http://i.imgur.com/GDBZLan.gif

evilbeaver8

She has some attractive physical qualities.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

She also is a pretty good actress. You wouldn’t know that from season 1 of that show but that was the writing not her.

entropy

Best scene from that show.

Doktor Zymm
fleshwound_NPG

Adorbs Corgi Donkey is adorbs.

Spanky Datass

Junior … Is that you?

entropy

Jets get the ball at their own one yard line. Safety? Safety.

Doktor Zymm

We can only hope

entropy

Whachu mean, “we?” You got a mouse in your pocket? I’m a Jets fan.

Doktor Zymm

I’m a safety fan above all.

Senor Weaselo

Blocked punt for a touchdown it is!

Sill Bimmons

TAKE THAT ALL YOU MANNING CRITICS THATS 1 FOR THE LAST 28 H8RS

JustStopDude

Come on skins…kick the field goal!!!

Doktor Zymm

I really want the Bears to lose so tickets to Skins/Bears will drop back below $60. I really should have bought two weeks ago.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh, Redzone, don’t show the [*Redacted] s game, that’s just cruel.

makeitsnowondem

“That’s enough. I can’t watch one more second of DEN-CLE.”

— Sporty Thievz

Sill Bimmons

We have always been at war with Asiago.

Brick Meathook
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Take that all you critics of Peyton Manning…”

Yeah, nice job throwing it past a cornerback who didn’t look for the ball and a safety who took an angle that redefined the definition of “obtuse”.

entropy

Hmmm.. Apparently you are allowed to tackle the offensive pass rush now. Cool!

makeitsnowondem

Poor little thing. He looks like he is on stilts and doesn’t know how to get down.

Senor Weaselo

Going for it on 4th down, delay of game.

blaxabbath

So now I’ve seen one Lincoln on the road, ever.

entropy

I’d bet money it was a rental.

Old School Zero

I run some errands and when I come back Cleveland is within 3?

makeitsnowondem

It was worse a minute ago.

Old School Zero

I’m sorry I missed that, then.

John Difool

Me watching the Skins shitshow

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makeitsnowondem

The TVs are muted here but I’m still pretty sure I just heard Peyton say “Fuck the haters.”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Work stoppage has ceased at the Factory.

King Hippo

HE-MAN-UEL SAnders!!!!!!!

Doktor Zymm

So which QB prospect will the [*Redacted] s ruin, ahem I mean, draft, next year?

John Difool

At this point of I were drafted by the [*Redacted] s I’d just consider law school or Seppuku.

blaxabbath

This wife in the lowe’s commercial was just OFFERING anal. And that dork could just think about his stupid corporate gig.

Senor Weaselo

Just when you thought no flags for the flag god, FLAGS FOR THE FLAG GOD.

fleshwound_NPG

♪ ♫ I’ll get benched by December ♪ ♫

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fleshwound_NPG

♪ ♫ I posted this too soon ♪ ♫

Jesus [*Redacted] s

Doktor Zymm

THIS DIRECTV I CALL IT YOUR GRANDMA CAUSE THEY CAN’T FIGURE OUT HOW TO MAKE 15 YEAR OLD TECHNOLOGY WORK.

(They still use Flash)

WCS

BOSS TODD SAYS FUCK YOUR OFFENSIVE MOMENTUM COCKFUCKS

Gatoraids

Doing doughnuts on the yardage

entropy

Every ref threw a flag there, just so as to stay in practice.

makeitsnowondem

Aqib.

entropy

Cousins doesn’t care if it’s his own receiver, or a defender…. he just counts COMPLETIONS, dammit!!!

JustStopDude

Alright seriously…is Kirk Cousins color blind or something?!?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That’s what inbreeding ‘ll do to ya.

/fucking Cousins