Your Early Slate Open Thread

We’re more than half way through the regular season. I’ve had a great time so far-oh, if my bottles of scotch could talk…they probably wouldn’t slur their words like I do. Moving on-

GB @ Car: Rodgers is sacked/pressured almost 40% of the time he drops back to pass and he faces another quality D that can really bring it. Lacy needs to stop with the donuts and start with the knockin’ defenders backwards. More good news for GB-starting CB’s Shields and Rollins are doubtful for the game. 7-0 Carolina is an underdog at home. This is only the second time since 1990 that has occurred. The Panthers are hoping that a potential win has nothing to do with WR Ginn, otherwise it will slip through their fingers.

Was @ NE: WE ARE ALL [INSERT TEAM HERE] FANS TODAY goes the refrain whenever someone plays the Pats. Actually, the Slurs don’t stand a damn chance and I’m not going to waste my time bothering to side with them. 20 TD’s and 1 Intercept-Br*dy’s playing at a ridiculous level. I hope he gets leveled.

Ten @ NO: Somethingberger goes back to the bench ’cause Mariota is able to play this week. Will Mularkey have the same effect on the Titans as Campbell had on the Fins? We’ll find out real quick. We’ll also find out what happens when a soft, squishy object collides with a vulnerable not-force. That would be a Titans WR group of draft bust Hunter, nobody Green-Beckham, lousy as hell Douglas and practice squadder Richardson clashing with a colander disguised as a Rob Ryan-led Saints secondary. Watson? Snead? Who are these people and what has Brees done with them? Well, made them relevant for one thing. That should continue as Titans CB’s McCourty and Wreh-Wilson aren’t likely to play.

Mia @ Buf: With DE Wake gone Miami’s sack rate drops from 7% down to 1.8%. The good news is that Bills QB Taylor gets sacked at the 5th highest rate of all players at his position. To no one’s surprise Harvin has gone over to the IR. Actually, that hip injury that he’s been dealing with for a few years now is a bit troubling. It sounds like a chronic condition and I’ll bet he’ll have mobility issues even earlier than the average retired football player. LB Brown and DE Dareus have been vocal in their criticism of Ryan’s “complicated” D packages. Given the talent on this D there’s no excuse for these guys not being a top 8 unit.

StL @ Min: Gurley is averaging 115 yds. per game but he’ll struggle to reach that in this game unless he breaks a long one. Hats off to Gregg Williams (?) of all people for making the Saint Looey D the 5th ranked in the league. I very much like the way these teams match up-they’re the 1st and 4th ranked red zone D’s, have strong running games and middling QB’s that will be running for their lives all afternoon. Sounds like a raucous, hard-hitting, low-scoring affair-just like a night on the town with Greg Hardy. Football Outsiders ranks Minny’s first seven games of the season as the easiest in the NFL. The kicker? They rate the Vikes remaining sked as the toughest.

Jax @ NYJ: One of these two teams leads the league defensively in fewest yards per rush and it isn’t the Jets. That’s right, the Jags did a good. Bortles still hasn’t won a road game in his career and it’s not likely to happen today but he has improved his QBR rating by 21 points on enemy fields. Progress! (is slow) Speaking of highly-ranked D’s the Jets come in at #2 overall. Revis will take WR Robinson out of the game so Hurns should get him some. At least that’s what my fantasy brain is telling me. Of course a Jets blog says they have no one to cover TE Thomas so I’m sure he’ll steal all the points.

Oak @ Pit: The Raiders have a winning record against only one team over the last ten years. Guess who they’re 4-1 against? Go ahead, I’ll wait. Good on you QB Carr-he’s improved his QBR from 28th (38.2) last year to 11th (65.8) this year. I don’t think anyone outside his mom and dad could have seen that coming. The Steel Sieve is 26th against the pass so WR’s Cooper and Crabtree have some easy catchin’ to do. The Steelers defensive captain Heyward will play Sunday despite seeing the birth of his first-born yesterday. Gotta hand it to him for going back out there so soon after seeing the old placenta plop onto the floor of the delivery room. (that sorta stuff stays with you, man) Beware WR Brown now that Ben is back. It’s just a matter of time before the both of them go off big time.

 

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

NO! NO MERCY KNEEL-DOWNS FOR THE FISH! KILLL! KKKKIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLL!

Sill Bimmons

SUFFERIN’ SUCCOPTASH

Romonobyl

Boo this man…

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

My website had something similar called Buddy’s Glory Cole but Canada made me take it down! Prudes!

entropy

I’m trying, but I passed “charming and funny” about 20 minutes ago and am headed straight towards “comatose and incomprehensible” if I don’t eat the cold pizza in my fridge soon.

Sill Bimmons

GodDAMN that defense is terrible.

I’m stunned a Mark Davis owned Raiders are entertaining to watch.

Horatio Cornblower

Have you SEEN his haircut!? That’s a man that knows how to entertain!

King Hippo

Raiders garbage timeDOWN? Rushing, because God hates me.

Smithchez

Stillers, what are you doing?

Senor Weaselo

Marshalldown yay!
/checks DFO spread contest
Wait, I had the Jags covering? Damn it, me.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I was just lurking earlier the first time the Packers used this as stadium music so I didn’t post this, but they just did again

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FaPU5AZU_s

Gratliff

That show was a criminal use of Karen Gillan’s talent.

blackroseMD1

Oh Karen…you goofy, gorgeous ginger…please find a good show to be a part of.

Spanky Datass

Leather shorts?
Leather shorts.

Doktor Zymm

Luckily, I make most of my holiday gifts, or they’re liquor, or I buy them in April. This means it’s very easy to boycott all the companies that have annoying X-mas ads before Thanksgiving.

entropy

You’d think, being able to draw and all, I could get away with hand-made gifts, but you’d be wrong. Apparently, having a “talent” doesn’t count in such situations. But my sister-in-law, the one who can’t knit to save her fucking life? Yeah, SHE’s allowed to make sweaters and hats that are in direct violation of the Geneva Convention.

King Hippo

Go into moonshining, combine all aspects into one!

bourb0nblues

Garbagedown for Reed.

ThursdaySkyGoddess

Garbage time Slursdown.

Romonobyl

I thought that gif only applied to Dallas derps?

John Difool

It applies to derp itself

entropy

There is nothing to derp, but derp itself?

Smithchez

Feel the Fitzmagic!

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Everyone keeps talking about how their fantasy teams are doing awful… but my team of Tyson Beckford, Raymond Burr, and Rock Hudson are doing just splendidly!

entropy

Marshalldown…. moar wodka.

MultiMigsDown

King Hippo

That is my fantasy death knell. Fucking Jaguras

BrettFavresColonoscopy

How is Shaun Hill still in the league?

Smithchez

Packer on Packer violence!

Mother Puncher

My girlfriend while grading papers:

GF: You can turn the volume up.
ME: No, that’s alright.
GF: I’m just grading. You don’t have to watch the game on mute.
ME: I always watch it on mute. I don’t like football announcers.
GF: So you literally just watch football all day?
ME: I…didn’t realize that was strange.

entropy

That’s… that’s just a fantastic interaction.

Horatio Cornblower

Those grades are going to be so bad.

King Hippo

PLEAZ at least let Carr get some garbage time yards and one score

Smithchez

You don’t need to Jets when they can still Jaguras.

Spanky Datass

I do need a Jests FG for the cover though.

Sill Bimmons

We’ve secretly replaced the 2015 Green Bay Packers with the 1985 Green Bay Packers.

Let’s see if anybody notices!

John Difool

The best play the Pack made all year was suplexing McMahon and tearing his rotator cuff after the whistle

nomonkeyfun

Holy Shit Jax.

Col. Duke LaCross

Giant sign in the Pittsburgh endzone that says “The Ben #7”

IronAvenger6491

*Ben looks up to see sign*

“But Me am The Ben…….”

Sharkbait

Jags gon’ Jags

Jaguras

Smithchez

That’ll help the run game, Jets. Run the same play but delay the handoff to let the defenders get better positioning.

ThursdaySkyGoddess

NOT HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH DOWN!

Doktor Zymm

Toffee is pretty good though.

entropy

I’m a big nougat fan my own self.

Sill Bimmons

De doing his best Stutter Bell impersonation there.

King Hippo

Well, now that you’ve ruined my cover you owe me a DeAngeloDOWN, Stillers.

King Hippo

godfuckingdamnit

Doktor Zymm

Chess IS fun!

King Hippo

My ex-wife gave up trying to teach me. I think there’s a limit on how many times one is willing to answer “what does this horsey piece do again?”

Doktor Zymm

It makes an “L” shape!

entropy

Your problem is you played sober, most likely. I taught a lot of my friends back in my early 20s by using shots of Jack as an incentive.

Sill Bimmons

Still over 12 minutes left in Pittsburgh.

IronAvenger6491

So Reggie Bush is suing the city of St. Louis for his season ending injury.

Smithchez

BUMBLING BLAKE BORTLES BADLY BOBBLES BALL

Doktor Zymm

I’m glad that my objective look at penalties hasn’t decreased my enjoyment of dumb shit happening to other people.

Horatio Cornblower

Schadenfreude never takes a holiday.

entropy

I thought it WAS a holiday. God damn it another calendar made useless…

King Hippo

It’s one of the VERY few things that gets better as one gets older.

Sill Bimmons

Oh, Jaguras.

Senor Weaselo

Holy shit, as if to prove me wrong, the Jets D gets a turnover.

Doktor Zymm

Haha, GB PI

entropy

Fuck you Gumbel. Fuck you right in your stupid mouth.

Senor Weaselo

Ladies and gentlemen, your New York Jets. The year is unimportant.

Sill Bimmons

HOLY FUCKBALLS MARTAVIS

bourb0nblues

Holy shit Antonio!

bourb0nblues

Shit, wrong WR

/ have another

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Is baseball over? Why is Buck back? Can we just send him to spring training early? Aikman was a QB so he probably pitched at one point, Send him too.

IronAvenger6491

I hate Buck but have no problem with Aikman.

King Hippo

Buck is the worst, Aikman just meh

entropy

I love their interaction. It just seems like Aikman will do anything for Buck’s approval, and Joe just keeps showing Troy the back of his hand.

Horatio Cornblower

I like Aikman as an announcer but I am not looking forward to his inevitable mental breakdown on air once his 87 NFL concussions catch up to him.

Senor Weaselo

Yes, baseball is over.

Doktor Zymm

Rodgers is like a sorority sister at a Big Ten school, guys jumping all over him.

John Difool

Except Rodgers likes it more.

IronAvenger6491

Not that he’s complaining or anything about it….allegedly…

IronAvenger6491

RIP TEDDY BRIDGEWATER 1992 – 2015

RIP THE VIKINGS ALRIGHT SEASON. Sep 2015 – Nov – 2015

John Difool

Goodnight sweet prince…

John Difool

THIS FOX CREW I CALL ‘EM MARSHA ‘CAUSE THEY’RE FANTASIZING ABOUT SUCKING OFF A MALE BRADY

King Hippo

Yeah, I don’t think he will remember most of today.

Horatio Cornblower

“Hi Concussion Protocol, I’m Trent Green!”
-T. Bridgewater

Gratliff

Goddamn it, Not Shady.

Smithchez

DIRECTLY UP THE MIDDLE ON FIRST DOWN, FUCKING AGAIN.

Senor Weaselo

Center hurt? Let’s go up the middle!

Sill Bimmons

IF YOU KEEP POINTING IT OUT MAYBE THEY’LL STOP