Oak @ Det: The Raiders have given up more than 400 yards rushing their last two games. They have a chance to get things under control against a Lions run game whose best individual performance this year is 56 yards. (6 QB’s have done better than that so far) The Lions stunned the Pack and pretty much anyone that has a functioning cortex last week. The secondary came up big but they’re banged up this week. You may want to start TE Ebron this week-the Raiders have given a TD to opposing tight ends in 8 out of 9 games this year.
Ind @ Atl: Both of these teams can’t stop anyone at this moment in time so I think that this tilt will be a high-scoring affair that leans towards the home team. Look for the Colts O to adopt more of a West Coast look to in order to better exploit Hasselbeck’s skill-set. That means short crossing routes galore and a heavy dose of the Gore. Atlanta has gotten lucky this year. They’ve played against 4 QB backups so far and sport a 3-1 record against them. They get their fifth in Hasselbeck.
NYJ @ Hou: S Pryor is back for the Jets and the team couldn’t be happier. With him in the lineup opposing QB’s had a 3-6 TD/Intercept ratio. Without him it’s 12-4. Of course injuries to Skrine, Bailey and Cromartie (that’s just the DB’s) may have been a factor as well-I’m not a scientist. If your running game consists of handoffs to the likes of Grimes, Polk and Blue, I’d guess that you’re in a world of trouble going up against the Jetski’s massive D-line and capable ‘backers. Here’s something you don’t usually associate with a 4-5 team. Houston hasn’t allowed a touchdown in 10 straight quarters. JJ Watt will be the first to condescendingly tell you that it’s a team effort but the first to think to himself that it’s all because of him. Yee Haw! TJ Yates gets fed to the wolves today.
TB @ Phi: Tampa is 3-2 in their last five which doesn’t seem like much until you compare it to being 3-23 before that. (slow) Progress! We do like to make fun of HC Smith’s in-game decisioning but his D has responded very well as the season has progressed. The talent was there all along-LB’s David and Alexander, DE’s McCoy and Smith and S McDougald all have above average talent and it’s beginning to shine. Lock up your daughters-it’s Sanchez time. Pedo brings his awesome 4-4 record to bear on an adequate offense that is having trouble scoring. Versus last year at this time the Eagles are down a full converted TD per game. Have teams figured out what HC Kelly is putting out there or is the system held down by god-awful QB play? I’m leaning towards the latter myself.
Den @ Chi: Methinks this is the game that will grab the attention of the majority of zee commenters. I mean, it’s got everything. It’s just that it would take too long to list them all. This one doesn’t look good for Denver, does it? The D has fallen apart and now they’re up against a cool cat at the QB spot that has a scorching 82.6 QBR since week six. Can Osweiler throw beyond 15 yards? A guy like WR Sanders might end up appreciating someone doing that. Denver hasn’t lost three in a row in 4 years until now. Langford has done much more than just fill in for Forte. Jeffery is a game-time decision as is Forte. Don’t you think they’ll keep both out of the game so that they’re good to go against Green Bay in 5 day’s time? If the Bears can get these two wins their season can be turned around in very short order.
StL @ Bal: HC Fisher must be desperate, turning to QB Case Keenum and his 34.5 QBR. His Rams coaching obit will most likely have “Against all common sense, he gave the reins over to Keenum” figuring prominently. Which brings us to the question of “how long will it take for Sean Mannion to get a look-see?”. If you are a Balti-moron (sp?) and are at the game you will get a commemorative coin today! You can use it to not-buy an imitation McCrab cake at your local McDonald’s.
Dal @ Mia: “Huzzah, Romo’s back!” say Cowboys fans and certain fantasy owners much like myself. What? At least I’ve still got my…..uh, thing? [checks] Yes, I still have my thing. Dallas is -2 and I’d jump on that like a Texas hick would his cousin. Suh sure does like his Campbell. He’s more than doubled his tackles, has 4 sacks and has disrupted 8 passes. It’s just a matter of time before he feels like his old self and steps on someone’s face.
Was @ Car: Cousins helped himself to the N.O. D and yours truly to a blow-out fantasy win in my money league. The Slurs have allowed 150 rush yards in 5 straight and it looks to be 6 after today. In PFF overall standings the Panthers have jumped ahead of the P*ts as the number 1 team. This means very little. Ginn bounced back last week but pre-season fantasy darling Devin Funchess gets his very first start today. At 6’5″ and 230 he’s a load.
Sanchez doing his best to make sure when he kills the Eagles season later today, he puts it down for good.
Oh look, the Cousins we all know and tolerate with a feeling of irritation is back.
Holy hell, Thomas.
He’s like “so THIS is what it is like to be hit it stride, I had totes forgot!”
Oh look, a Cousins int.
BrockDOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Peyton Manning era is OVER
But his neck just got a firmware update!
Pretty sure I could have completed that pass to Demariyus.
Can you throw this ball over that mountain?
The Bears defense wasn’t even a molehill there.
Wow Tampa just got FUCKED.
YAY
Well, whoever fucked Tampa now has chlamydaherpesyphilus.
Demaryiusdown!
And my weekly struggle with Sunday ticket streaming begins. I’m never paying for this piece of crap again.
Dont blame me! I just send DirecTV the games!
WAS is on Fox.
I’m attempting to Red Zone, since there are a few decent looking games on, but I’ll probably switch to that once my frustration levels boil over.
Song Jingle:
“PeyPey home with voodoo doll”
Retirement is gonna suck.
http://brainsyndicate.files.wordpress.com/2010/09/4536-153534-southparkdolphinslaughterjpg-620x.jpg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LRH6FhkbQmY
My only regret is that it will take 3 1/2 hours before I know how the Magpies will snatch defeat from the jaws of victory this week.
Well, that’s not my ONLY regret. But it’s right up there.
Kicker miss in ATL. Drink
I think I’ll just start out with Red Zone. And red wine. My alcohol matches my teevee!
Eagles start off with some multifumble action.
Welp. It begins.
Hassleception!
That was expected-though not so fast.
Cool, the pre-game fly over in Miami was an unmarked Cessna dropping boxes by the beach.
Bales of cocaine
Falling from low-flyin planes
I dunno who done dropped em
I thank em just the same
Thirty minutes later I was a millionaire
Something tells me that the Jets won’t be the ones to beat the Texans 10 quarter streak of not giving up a TD.
Let’s replace the Slurs kicker with Charlie Brown and see if anyone notices.
hey guys
yo
Enjoying your oxygen?
Thoroughly. Also THC.
Rob Ryan howling. My day is complete.
Rob Riggle: Still terrible
Should I be alarmed that Santa hangs out in a FedEx shop in his long underwear?
Oh, that’s right. Boomer did play for the Cardinals.
http://www.sikids.com/sites/default/files/multimedia/photo_gallery/1109/nfl.500.yard.passers/images/3-boomer.jpg
A part of me wants the Denver coverage to start with Paul Heyman coming out without pyro or music to cut a promo on the Chicago crowd and hype up Bahrrrrrooock Osweiler!
Good morning to some.
Good afternoon to others.
“Good fucking to all!”
-Rob Ryan
Good evening
Happy Kwanza? I can’t remember how this works any more.
Should I shower before the 1 PM games start, or just drink until I forget I have a nose?
I’m watching Dallas, so I’m sure I’ll feel the need for a shower after the game.
So am I insane or did I just see Kay Jewelers sell Star Wars necklace?
Star Wars marketing is reaching SpaceBalls level of marketing.
The Hunger Games car commercials reign supreme on worst endorsement.
There are commercials for Star Wars make up now. Disney and Star Wars is the singularity that will cause capitalism to collapse in on itself.
Old Spice commercials were great before every fucking commercial was a half-assed attempt at an Old Spice commercial.
That Falcons-Colts game with have more touchdowns than Charlie Sheen’s t-cell count! Can’t wait.
Dayum!
7urgery is coming.
So is Gabbert…
http://mrwgifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/The-Kanker-Sisters-Stop-By-Eddys-House-On-Ed-Edd-N-Eddy.gif
I’m headed out to buy some booze at the LCBO. The name of the store where we can buy hard stuff is “The Liquor Control Board of Ontario”. Sexy, huh?
In PA we have “Wine & Spirits” Stores. When I was Germany, in not one, not two, but four separate places, they had Irish pubs all called “The Irish Pub.” Hear hear for glaringly obvious naming conventions!
It’s holiday gift pack time! Useless glassware! Hooray!
I’m in a crummy mood today for some reason, and this awful pizza I ordered isn’t helping. Seriously tempted to throw this gross shit out. How the hell does someone manage to make jalapeno, cheddar and taco beef pizza tasteless? I’m annoyed but also somewhat intrigued.
That sounds like it should be impossible. Are you sure you’re not having a stroke?
I had a lemon square earlier and I could taste that just fine. I think they somehow managed to remove all elements of salt and acid from the ingredients. It’s a mystery.
How would you even do that? Do the laws of physics work differently in that restaurant? Someone must be notified. Science must be done.
It’s possible that none of these are real ingredients, they’re just manufactured from generic goo and cunningly sculpted and dyed to look like toppings. I should plant a small camera in their kitchen.
Throw some hot pepper flakes on it and give ‘er a go.
Contemplating Sriracha
You must do all you can to rescue this pie!
/emotionally involved in this for some reason
I could just drink until I don’t care that it tastes like crap. I could probably accomplish that level of drunkeness by the second half if I start now.
Just reading that combination made my Irritable Bowl Syndrome to act up.
Then it’s a good thing I didn’t order the bacon cheeseburger pizza and list those toppings.
Greetings from the wonderful world of television. Envious of those drinking already.
How many games you got?
Indy-Atlanta, Jets vs somebody, Denver-Chicago, KC vs SD, Oakland-Detroit. So…meh
Hmm, Memphis is getting some good games today. It’s almost as if the usual shitty, boring-ass game has already disappeared…
http://31.media.tumblr.com/9a43a2d41be9985682d3a3eb6d215dba/tumblr_mzyzo0MzfQ1r8q9x8o1_500.gif
When you are used to seeing your team play in the early game, it can be a long wait for the afternoon time slot and it’s harder to justify drinking earlier.
You Eastern time folks got it easy. Shit it’s only 9 out here.
Expand your horizons and pop that cap. Let’s go!
We need to adapt this technology to sports commentators:
http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/listen_to_yourself.png
Samuel Beckett used to live in a cottage outside Paris, at the same time Andre the Giant lived there, an overlarge twelve-year-old who couldn’t take the bus to school any longer due to his acromegaly.
Sam Beckett was a card-player buddy of Andre’s father, and when he learned of Andre’s difficulty in getting to school, offered to drive young Andre each morning.
Andre the Giant used to be driven to school by the man who wrote Waiting For Godot, and they mostly discussed cricket, according to Andre’s accounts of the time. This is massively more interesting to me than the fucking Iggles game I am getting on my FOX stations today.
Morning, everybody. How’s things?
I love strange shit like this. I just finished a book about Vienna at the turn of the 20th century. I started looking at the names of folks who were there living/working in the first two decades. It’s kinda ridiculous.
Stalin, Trotsky, Hitler, Tito, Freud, Adler, Klimt, Shoenberg, director Fritz Lang, Shroedinger, Kokoschka, philosophers Wittgenstein and Popper and Zionist leader Herzl were all there. Amazing. And I’m sure I’ve missed a few.
Ohio State loses for the first time in 24 games and Ezekiel Elliot throws his coaches under the bus. Classy.
Did you see that game? They used him so little, I was waiting for him to intercept the shotgun snaps.
It’s the sulky “I’ve played my last game here-there’s no way I’m coming back” routine that got me.
So Rob and Irvin are going to go to a strip club after the broadcast, right?
After “they turned my bye week into my ‘bye-bye’ week”, I think the least Irvin can do is show a brother a good time.
Oh man. The backbreaking pick six in the Dallas loss will be so amazing.
Apparently when I said that the Bengals’ offense last Monday was the worst I’ve seen, the Buckeyes’ offense heard that and took it as a personal challenge. They succeeded.
Just further proof that the Universe will correct itself if you let it and that I can’t have nice things.
The entire state has been working overtime in the Factory this week.
SNL Observation:
(Looks left)
(Looks right)
(Leans in and whispers)
The episode was pretty good.
So you’re resorting to out-right lies now.
It got your attention didn’t it?
You can lie to us, but don’t lie to yourself.
Alshon Jeffrey OUT. Gonna be a long aBrockening
Oh my, this is what Squanto would look like if he were a queer! Speaking of which, I’m looking forward to Spanksgiving at Buddy’s.
Also, these “disturbing fan” pics are even more impressive finds than the underboob ones. Which of the above-referenced Chefs fans has touched more 8-year olds, ya reckon?
Talk about your all-time mutual shit trades – the Rams and Iggles are each somehow UPGRADING their sad sack QB sitches with Keenum and the Sanchize, respectively.
Also, feel free to advise the Hippo on his quandary on Funchess vs. Ebron for my PPR flex. Leaning Funchess on a hunch.
LeSean McCoy to Buffalo. DeMarco Murray to Philly. All 3 teams are worse.
Nick Foles to St. Louis. Sam Bradford to Philly. Both teams are worse.
The moral here is that the Eagles should trade with no one and no one should ever accept a trade from the Eagles.
I took M. Jones from Cincy out of the WR slot and threw Funchess in there. I’ve got a feeling as well.
LET’S DO THIS!
WOO SECONDED