Your Early Afternoon Slate Open Thread

Oak @ Det: The Raiders have given up more than 400 yards rushing their last two games. They have a chance to get things under control against a Lions run game whose best individual performance this year is 56 yards. (6 QB’s have done better than that so far) The Lions stunned the Pack and pretty much anyone that has a functioning cortex last week. The secondary came up big but they’re banged up this week. You may want to start TE Ebron this week-the Raiders have given a TD to opposing tight ends in 8 out of 9 games this year.

Ind @ Atl: Both of these teams can’t stop anyone at this moment in time so I think that this tilt will be a high-scoring affair that leans towards the home team. Look for the Colts O to adopt more of a West Coast look to in order to better exploit Hasselbeck’s skill-set. That means short crossing routes galore and a heavy dose of the Gore. Atlanta has gotten lucky this year. They’ve played against 4 QB backups so far and sport a 3-1 record against them. They get their fifth in Hasselbeck.

NYJ @ Hou: S Pryor is back for the Jets and the team couldn’t be happier. With him in the lineup opposing QB’s had a 3-6 TD/Intercept ratio. Without him it’s 12-4. Of course injuries to Skrine, Bailey and Cromartie (that’s just the DB’s) may have been a factor as well-I’m not a scientist. If your running game consists of handoffs to the likes of Grimes, Polk and Blue, I’d guess that you’re in a world of trouble going up against the Jetski’s massive D-line and capable ‘backers. Here’s something you don’t usually associate with a 4-5 team. Houston hasn’t allowed a touchdown in 10 straight quarters. JJ Watt will be the first to condescendingly tell you that it’s a team effort but the first to think to himself that it’s all because of him. Yee Haw! TJ Yates gets fed to the wolves today.

TB @ Phi: Tampa is 3-2 in their last five which doesn’t seem like much until you compare it to being 3-23 before that. (slow) Progress! We do like to make fun of HC Smith’s in-game decisioning but his D has responded very well as the season has progressed. The talent was there all along-LB’s David and Alexander, DE’s McCoy and Smith and S McDougald all have above average talent and it’s beginning to shine. Lock up your daughters-it’s Sanchez time. Pedo brings his awesome 4-4 record to bear on an adequate offense that is having trouble scoring. Versus last year at this time the Eagles are down a full converted TD per game. Have teams figured out what HC Kelly is putting out there or is the system held down by god-awful QB play? I’m leaning towards the latter myself.

Den @ Chi: Methinks this is the game that will grab the attention of the majority of zee commenters. I mean, it’s got everything. It’s just that it would take too long to list them all. This one doesn’t look good for Denver, does it? The D has fallen apart and now they’re up against a cool cat at the QB spot that has a scorching 82.6 QBR since week six. Can Osweiler throw beyond 15 yards? A guy like WR Sanders might end up appreciating someone doing that. Denver hasn’t lost three in a row in 4 years until now. Langford has done much more than just fill in for Forte. Jeffery is a game-time decision as is Forte. Don’t you think they’ll keep both out of the game so that they’re good to go against Green Bay in 5 day’s time? If the Bears can get these two wins their season can be turned around in very short order.

StL @ Bal: HC Fisher must be desperate, turning to QB Case Keenum and his 34.5 QBR. His Rams coaching obit will most likely have “Against all common sense, he gave the reins over to Keenum” figuring prominently. Which brings us to the question of “how long will it take for Sean Mannion to get a look-see?”. If you are a Balti-moron (sp?) and are at the game you will get a commemorative coin today! You can use it to not-buy an imitation McCrab cake at your local McDonald’s.

Dal @ Mia: “Huzzah, Romo’s back!” say Cowboys fans and certain fantasy owners much like myself. What? At least I’ve still got my…..uh, thing? [checks] Yes, I still have my thing. Dallas is -2 and I’d jump on that like a Texas hick would his cousin. Suh sure does like his Campbell. He’s more than doubled his tackles, has 4 sacks and has disrupted 8 passes. It’s just a matter of time before he feels like his old self and steps on someone’s face.

Was @ Car: Cousins helped himself to the N.O. D and yours truly to a blow-out fantasy win in my money league. The Slurs have allowed 150 rush yards in 5 straight and it looks to be 6 after today. In PFF overall standings the Panthers have jumped ahead of the P*ts as the number 1 team. This means very little. Ginn bounced back last week but pre-season fantasy darling Devin Funchess gets his very first start today. At 6’5″ and 230 he’s a load.

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Who wins a staring contest, Jim Caldwell or Ron Riveria.

Old School Zero

ha ha Slurskins ha ha

Sill Bimmons

Cockeye Sam and Fat Stafford went #1 in back-to-back drafts.

Just…wow.

blackroseMD1

Sweet mother of god…who gave me so much alcohol last night?

Also, why the hell am I watching Dallas and Miami?

Romonobyl

Read my clouded mind.

Sill Bimmons

comment image

ThePirateSloth

That’s the saddest thing I’ve heard so far today.

blaxabbath

The Panthers schedule is weak af.

They’re gonna go 16-1.

ThePirateSloth

MFW a female friend is texting me about bringing a girlfriend of hers to the game for me to “get on with”…. even people I only see 8 times a year at Seahawks games think I need a lady in my life.

http://giant.gfycat.com/HilariousMintyKinglet.gif

ThePirateSloth

To be honest, that’s also my face just watching the Seahawks play.

King Hippo

You can still sell your ticket, right??

blaxabbath

I know a girl who used to have SEA season tickets (I guess I assume she still does, I don’t know). Point is, I don’t talk to her anymore but if you hook up with her I’ll kill you!

ThePirateSloth

/proceeds to ask every female in the stadium if she knows blaxabath
//gets arrested

King Hippo

Stop throwing to NAWT-Funchess

God O’Brien’s chin ass is a sight to behold.

Doktor Zymm
BrettFavresColonoscopy

So many Bear nipples

Romonobyl

Water must be cold.

Bortleback

Cole Beasley looks like a random white dude they pulled in off the street. He gives me false hope that I could play for a NFL team despite being too short/fat/slow/white to play any position.

Sill Bimmons

Holy FUCKBALLS Texans

blaxabbath

I wish Cam had a shaded visor. I feel like it’s a detail frumpy white sportswriters would hate and P*triots fans would use as an excuse for Brady’s PED use.

Romonobyl

Jason Witten should consider making a career of this football-thing.

Old School Zero

Mom and brother arrive Tuesday, and since I’m a somewhat lazy guy, I have lots of cleaning to do in order to make my place presentable. So it’s gonna be a day of redzone, scrubbing, organizing, dusting, and beers.

King Hippo

Have you also considered Xanax?

/friendly neighbourhood quack

Old School Zero

Does it clean bathtubs better than Bon Ami?

King Hippo

In a sense, it cleans EVERYTHING

Old School Zero

So does coffee and oatmeal with prunes.

King Hippo

HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA, fuck you JJ

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I am pretty sure he just broke his arm and they keep saying it is a finger hurt.

Gratliff

RIP Devonta Freeman’s career. 2015-2015.

Gratliff

A concussion. So he either misses a play, or he becomes post-MVP Chris Johnson.

Sill Bimmons

Head bonk.

Doktor Zymm

If the [*Redacted] s upset the Panthers I think my head will explode.

Sill Bimmons

Slow your roll there, Trev.

Doktor Zymm

The announcer said it was his upset pick of the week. I’m not actually exhibiting hope.

Sill Bimmons
Bortleback

But would they still be the undefeated 9-1 Panthers?

blaxabbath

WAS’s D seems…..weak.

Doktor Zymm

They were better than expected for a while, this would be reversion to the mean.

ThePirateSloth

Brock Osweiler: Basketball Prodigy ruined by the game of football.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace
entropy

Ok, I laughed at “As of now, the Tampa Bay Bucs have not cured what they had last week.”

Sharkbait

Inconclusive.

King Hippo

Try telling that face no YOU CAN’T!!!!

Romonobyl

Bobbled going out of bounds.

Bortleback

Needs more of a football move, like getting your ACL shredded or some brain damage

Gratliff

I am never not going to be bitter about releasing DeSean Jackson.

Sharkbait

THROW IT TO HILTON YOU FUCKSTICK

Sill Bimmons

How the FUCK are the Buccs 4 — 5???

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Punching a QB in the head on the ground is still a penalty, right?

entropy

Depends on the QB.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Not if it’s Brady. Then you get a medal.

Bortleback

Only if you get caught – same as poking someone in the eye

Romonobyl

Playing in a torrential downpour with a shoulder boo-boo? No chance of re-injury there…

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Really wishing I hadn’t picked the Bears plus 1…

entropy

Mistakes were made.

King Hippo

In Indy…THAT is apparently a catch. We know nothing.

Sill Bimmons

THAT’S NOT A CATCH

Doktor Zymm

I might just switch to the Miami/Cowboy flood game

A wildcat?

Gratliff

Romonami this week?

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Tony Romo: Still awesome

King Hippo

Romo lefty shotput!

Sill Bimmons

RedZone, Red Bull and Red Sinse.

READY

blaxabbath

Just flipped to CHI/DEN, is brock yelling Omaha yet? Maybe Waterloo? Bellvue?

King Hippo

Wally Pipp?

blaxabbath

If you taunt after scoring a TD, why is the 15 yards enforced on the kick off now? I’d like to see it on the PA — make them kick it 15 yards further or go for 2 from the 17.

Though that may actually completely kill TD celebrations.

Doktor Zymm

The skinny post route sets an unrealistic body ideal for other post routes.

entropy

NO BODY SHAMING IN THE MODERN NFL!!

Romonobyl

Play-shaming.

Gratliff

Fortunately, there’s a safe space in Philly.

Gratliff

Oh wow. Josh Huff Brian Westbrook’d the Bucs. Hopefully this doesn’t end in a shocking 63 yard field goal at the end like that one.

King Hippo

The Sanchize? Oh yeah, he’s back. And coming to a prom near you!

blaxabbath

Camdown

Romonobyl

Raining again in Miami…nothing smells worse than wet linebacker.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

If you ever want to stop an argument with me, mention details I didn’t know about how one of my dogs died. I will be useless for at least 40 min

Also, yeah, Bears down 7. That happens

King Hippo

Glad I didnt start Ebron. U*NC corpsefucker