STILLERS BYE WEEK RECAP
WCS: 6-4 and in the Wild Card position. Not too bad considering the Stillers look more like a triage unit during an outbreak of EbolaAIDS.
/DeAngelo Williams’ ankle explodes
The Stillers have started four kickers since the preseason, three quarterbacks, lost All-Pro center and Aaron Hernandez Fan Club president Maurkice Pouncey for the season, Le’Veon Bell’s MCL was hit by the Death Star laser, starting defensive lineman Stephan Tuitt and starting outside linebacker Ryan Shazier can’t stay healthy.
//Lawrence Timmons’ arms shatter into 20 pieces each
The defense has been absolutely great. Keith Butler’s crew has been far better than anyone would have guessed. They give up yards in bucket loads, but, keep coming up with the SPLASH PLAYS Mike Tomlin so desires. Obviously.
///Martavis Bryant is taken over by the X-Files Black Oil
Balls of Steel: I’m frankly shocked that we are still in the playoff picture with everything that has happened.
////Ben ruptures spleen, plays anyway
I’m not too optimistic on what we can actually accomplish this year, but I do like how this team has pulled together and stepped up.
/////Harrison lifts 150lb dumbbell with one arm, tears triceps
//////Dumbbell falls on Antonio Brown’s right femur, shattering it.
If only Brady got hurt as often as Ben. I guess there is a reason people take PEDs…
Sill: So what, then, does the future hold for these intrepid Dirt Penguins?
///////Bud Dupree wounded by sniper at Dealey Plaza re-enactment
The Seahawks have been a mystery all season and an away game in CenturyLoud is never going to be easy.
////////Cam Hayward gets into blimp fight, loses
The luckless, Luckless Clots clop into town with about as much hope of winning as Chris Christie.
/////////Chris Boswell gets the sniffles while visiting relatives in Jersey, quarantined for 90 days by Chris Christie
The Bungles game will be about determining playoff field position for both teams and will go a long way toward showing who each of these teams really are.
//////////David DeCastro is mistaken for Fidel Castro, rendered to black site in Croatia
WCS: Outbreak of nuclear war aside, what are yinz final regular season win/loss records? I’m saying 10-6. I think they make the playoffs as the first wild card, beat whatever garbage pile comes out of the AFC South, and then defeats the Bungles to advance to the AFC Championship. All bets are off after that.
///////////Heath Miller is arrested by the Springfield Police Department for every unsolved murder in New York City
Balls: I’d like to stick with my rose-colored glasses prediction of 12-4, but that’s probably too much to ask for. 10-6 seems about right with the optimistic 11-5 not too far out of reach. If we can win in Seattle, I’m going with 11-5.
Sill: I may as well finish the look at the remaining games:
Now that the Manningbot is offline for good the defense can load up on Ostrich burgers. The Donks are lucky to be in a shitty division they’re going to win by default.
/////////////Ryan Shazier tapped lightly on the arm, entire right side explodes
The Stillers unusual run of luck regarding overrated QBs spontaneously combusting ahead of them continues with a visit to the now-well-below-Average Ratbirds. The only question here is: Will Flacco’s replacement knee be ELITE?
/////////////Jordan Berry goes to Tatami restaurant, loses shoes, breaks metatarsal punting barefoot
Finally, a visit to the Factory shop floor itself. Pretty much everything should be wrapped up by this point, so the only people who are going to care about this game are the guys playing for a job next season.
//////////////Matt Spaeth falls down a manhole, is missed by no one
Final prediction:
By my math they’re set for 11-5 and a wild card game at whichever division winner sucks worse, the South or the West. My money’s on the South. If they can somehow avoid calamitous injury and/or the P*ts, they’ve got as good a shot as anyone. So they’ll definitely lose to the losing losers vomited forth by the eldritch wasteland of the South. GO STILLERS WOO
///////////////Mike Tomlin accidently shows footage of the opening of the Arc of the Covenant instead of Seattle game film, entire team melts
I wish I could be as optimistic about this team’s potential record. The Steeler defense makes me want to break all my furniture. It usually goes something like this: Opponent gets 7 yards on a first down play without even trying too hard. Then on second down the Steeler defense sacks the quarterback or smashes the running back 5 yards behind the LOS, causing me to yell out, “Yeah, the Steel Curtain is back, baby!”. Then on third down they give up a 15 yard pass to a goddamn receiver that doesn’t have a defender within 5 yards of him. Repeat this all the way down the fucking field until by some miracle the defense holds them to a field goal or someone causes a turnover. It’s keeping them in the playoff hunt, but they’ll get torn apart in the post-season, especially if they keep starting Blake with his immobilized arms.
http://49.media.tumblr.com/e507734aa3569259891c147318e83be0/tumblr_nmwje9Jb3N1tdhimpo1_500.gif
The writers of this piece are not only talented and funny, but also quite handsome.
THAT’S A LIE AND YOU KNOW IT
THESE ARE REASONS NOT EXCUSES!!
Also “we”?; you talking about your fantasy team?
http://41.media.tumblr.com/445ce13ca331b84f6021985b690356fd/tumblr_n2y2f2j5xu1rc1vf0o1_500.jpg
Hey, you’re the one that posted the bikini blonde and the octopus. That’s the real fantasy here.
Plus, barefoot?
But yeah, I get what you’re saying. It happens sometimes. At least I also say “We suck balls” when warranted.
I think I know what you mean when you say “We suck balls.”
“We wants it, we needs it. Must have the precious. They stole it from us. Sneaky little Bengalses. Wicked, tricksy, false! “
I still think it’s too early to make jokes about guys named Bud dying from gunshot wounds in Pennsylvania.
And you call yourself a Raider fan.
I sure do, and my parole officer will back me up on that.
//////////////////////////////////President-Elect Trump rescinds the Rooney Rule; Mike Tomlin is fired and ordered to pay “reverse severance” for “insensitively stealing a white coach’s job.”
SonOfNat?
#natwetdream
////////////////////////Landry Jones is identified by the Clinton campaign as a potential sleeper candidate. Jones shows up dead with with four shots to the face in what Allegheny County officials conclude as a suicide.
///////////////////////team bus drives into Baltimore, gigantic, mutated blue crab crawls out of Inner Harbor and devours entire team, except for Big Ben, who eats the crab and dies from botulism.
HARF HARF THE BEN KNOW A LOT ABOUT PINCHY OWIES IN THE BENS GRAY SPOT HARF HARF
Wouldn’t be the first time Ben conquers crabs