Take a breath and really enjoy it, as it’s the last true cornucopia day – a full slate of all thing footy. Try not to get all emo and depressed, rather enjoy the moment. There is a metric fuckton to savor. Plenty of time to Steven Patrick Morrissey later, my ninjas.
Whilst there are other games in the Premiership this weekend (3rd place City and 8th place So’ton at 10 EST, NBCSN leading the pack)…all the buzz is rightly about the unexpected top of the table clah between 1st place Leicester and 2nd place Manure, just one point behind. Leicester hosts the fixture at King Power Stadium on Saturday (12:30, NBC), and it’s safe to say this is the biggest match in club history. I say that as an ugly American knowing absolutely fuckall about them prior to the past decade or so…but come on. This is yuuuuuuuuuggggge stuff. Worth missing, or at least flipping back and forth from, the early JV action. Leicester is easily the feel good story of the League so far, and I think they have some staying power. We shall learn quite a bit today.
Ohio State at Michigan (Noon, ABC)
HAI, assholes of the midwest! Just don’t fucking go to overtime. I have a blood hatred game to get to (see below).
Georgia at Georgia Tech (Noon, ESPN2)
Loser gets fired for sure. Winner just for maybe. Firings are always fun!
U*NC at NC State (3:30, ABC/ESPN2)
A reminder that NC State went into Chapel Hill and absolutely ran train on these cheating, semi-literate (being VERY generous here) assholes last season. The personnel isn’t THAT different, though each team has been more consistent this season. The Holes just play in a shit division where at least 3-4 coaches are retiring or getting fired, and the only other team that’s any good at all (Pitt, the only half-decent team the Holes beat all year) seemingly gets a new coach every season. Their other cross-division opponent this season was WAKE FUCKING FOREST. Their loss was to South Carolina (on a neutral field in Charlotte, the city I grew up in, which I can testify is crawling with Wal-Mart Hole fans). Yeah, the team that lost to The Goddamned Citadel last week. They are gonna get ass-raped by Clemson, and it would be nice if my wolves (who aren’t particularly great, but are at least physical and well-coached and will be up for this game) would give them a little pre-cursor of that action. I cannot (and DO NOT) watch this game around other human beings. The hate is visceral, and real. I will be several shades below human level for at least 4 hours.
Penn State at Michigan State (3:30, ESPN)
It would be very Sparty to fuck this game up and open the back door for tOSU to get back into the playoff picture while my rivalry game blood is boiling. Head in oven, or go all the way upstairs to get the razor blades? SO MANY TOUGH CHOICES.
Alabama at Auburn (3:30, CBS)
War Damn Eagle really isn’t very good, and Roll Damn Tide has been machine-like (just the way Nick Saban prefers it) ever since the Johnny Reb outlier game…but the Iron Bowl is frequently odd and unpredictable. One can’t rule out at least a circuitous route to the inevitable Nick Saban bathing in puppy blood celebration. Shit, I’m not sure I don’t want Saban to win, as letting Notre Dame or tOSU in the playoffs seems to be the far, far likeliest outcome of a Tide stumble, and I hate those fucks even more (plus I don’t see Bama winning the playoffs, just not enough from the QB position).
UCLA at USC (3:30, ESPN2/ABC)
COME BACK TO US, MARTIN!!! The men of Troy and the Bruins (Jewish QB!!! No ofence!!!!) in a winner takes all showdown for the Pac 12 South, and the right to play Stanford for the League crown and Rose Bowl berth. 3:30 window is too crowded. DO SOMETHING, CONGRESS!!!!11111
Ole Miss at Mississippi State (7:15, ESPN2)
Another rivalry game with a fun name. We are the Egg Bowl! Coo Coo Ka-Choo!!! Winner of this game can rightly proclaim themselves the 2nd best team in the SEC, which should get one a crusted over jizz rag this season (but likely gets a “New Year’s Six” bowl bid, though I am not altogether sure what that means). Florida is shit, as we all know.
Florida State at Florida (7:30, ESPN)
Really wish the Iron Bowl were in this slot so I could watch it more closely. This game interests me becase if/when the Noles run train on the shitty Gators, they apparently have a good shot to land in one of the aforementioned “New Year’s Six” bowls, which would put NC State in the Gator Bowl against a decent SEC opponent. That would make teh Hippo happy.
Notre Dame at Stanford (7:30, Fox)
Much like tOsu/Sparty last week, this is an important game that is likely to be very poor/hard to watch for the viewer. Especially since I suspect the fucking Irish to win comfortably (they were phoning it in looking ahead last week). That said, I was wrong about the outcome (if not the watchability) re Sparty last week, so hold onto hope, kids.
Oklahoma at Oklahoma State (8:00, ABC)
I am of the opinion that the Big 12 and the Pac 12 have produced the best, most entertaining footy all season long. Because of their depth, they have beat each other up (which is why a 4-team playoff is really fundamentaly unfair and full of perverse incentives, but I can expound on that more fully later perhaps). There’s really no way to sneak a Pac 12 team in, but I will pull hard for Boomer Sooner here, especially if BayBay loses Friday night. The Bedlam Game is officially my favourite of all the cool rivalry names.
So….dvr’d movies ftw.
Going over to a friend’s house to watch the second half of the Iron Bowl. He’s a big ‘Bama fan, but still a good guy. Also just had shoulder surgery and can get all the Dilaudid he wants.
What am I bid for grabbing a bottle? I think he’s got at least 90 pills.
DILAUDID??? Shit, that’s the holy grail. 90 of those would be the best 6 weeks of my life*.
*Knowing me, that’s not saying much, but STILL. Those have to be worth at least $50 a pill on teh black market, I’d guess.
/never made it to The Silk Road
Our kids are thinking they can get $20-$30 each at the high school.
I’ve pointed out they can probably also get 5-10 years for peddling opiates but I do admire their capitalist work ethic.
Also it’s the generic form of Dilaudid. No idea if that makes a difference.
Oh, should be able to get that EASY. I would be careful peddling those because a novice could really hurt themselves with dilaudid (like Heather Graham’s character in Drugstore Cowboy).
Problem is there would be so much buzz over it being dilaudid instead of it just being oxy or percocet, that the gang-type dealers and/or snitches would probably catch wind of it, and that’s not good for small mom and pop capitalism.
Better to deal with imaginary friends instead!
It’s still the first goddamned quarter??????
Are you shitting me????
Does NCST play defense? I mean, I see players out there ostensibly being defenders, but, they don’t do anything.
Define defense.
Not that I want to ruin Hippo’s day anymore than it already has been but holy shit that ending to Everton-Bournemouth was insane.
No worries, I knew the rest of the day was likely going this way as a result of that. Open question as to whether that spills into Donks/P*ts as well. Probably.
I felt for you but the Bournemouth story this year is pretty good. It’d be nice to see them stay in the Premier League for another year anyway. If it were something like Chelsea and Suarez doing that to you I’d have thrown a shoe at the TV.
They deserved a result, too. Everton got lazy and played like ass in the second half. Just like NC State came out weak and timid today, then didn’t go for it on 4th and 5 in U*NC territory, etc. BLECH. Just that kind of day. Bad moon or some such.
Now I have to pull for fucking Alabama, out of desperate fear that the Holes could somehow ride their media cheerleading into the playoffs.
By “Holes” do you mean ‘Heels’ or ‘Seminoles’? Because both are despicable and neither belongs in the play-offs.
U*NC. Good point, I have heard FSU referred to as the “Semenholes”
Oh, I dunno. I think the Iowa/Michigan State loser has a better chance that FSU.
son of a mother sucking ass blasting cock knocker!!!!!!
Just pried the TV away from a 14 year old girl who is binge-watching some CW show called ‘Reign’ by going on the internet, finding out which major character was going to get killed and then threatening to tell her if she didn’t make herself scarce.
That’s parenting, people.
I’m in awe.
CREATIVE!
JacobyDOWN!!!!
JacobyCOPTER
He did twirl a bit, didn’t he?
Not the best start for the wolven sorts.
Nope, gonna watch other things for awhile before I die.
Seamus is buying the next three rounds of bleach and ammonia!
The U*NC/NCSU game has been canceled. Please, do not tune to ABC and/or ESPN2 or your teluhbision may sustain damage.
I even put a green shirt on for Sparty, that is how thoroughly fucking disgusted I am.
Honest question: has it been more than a decade since UVa beat VT? I honestly cannot remember the last time that happened?
It’s been about a decade since it mattered.
/Sorry.
//Not Sorry.
12 in a row, 16 out of 17
That looks a hell of a lot like the UVA students I saw when we played in the law school softball tournament they had back in the 90’s.
Already been fucked out of 4 points.
So Florida’s QB’s suspension was upheld, one year for PEDs. Meanwhile at other schools the penalty for selling personal items, like signatures or memorabilia, is institution wide: forfeiture of wins, scholarships, and post-season ban (which could be like a forfeiture of millions in bowl money). PEDs might actually have helped the team win those games, but apparently it’s not as big a deal as getting a tattoo or getting a cushy offseason job.
Well the NCAA is Maoist China to Goodell’s Stalinist Russia.
Especially true in the case of Terrelle Pryor. He skipped his final year to avoid his suspension, so the nfl suspended him or prevented him from being drafted or whatever. What? If he (Pryor) wasn’t such a dillweed I’d feel sorry for him.
Im not sure what theyre saying but the tone seems right. Prisoner exchange.
http://l7.alamy.com/zooms/eeef862c78804b04bac81a2b9462225a/prisoner-exchange-c97p7y.jpg
PED policies, by and large, make little sense.
Adderall in college? Not a PED if you have a prescription. In the NFL? PED, whether or not you have a prescription (and appropriate diagnosis).
Hell, Sudafed (pseudoephedrine) is a PED in the Olympics. If you have a cold, you have to just (literally) suck it up.
alright, cocksuckers, time to clear teh ABC feed
Maybe I’m not super lazy today…. but then again, I’m not super motivated, either.
http://36.media.tumblr.com/1f553ef76a4bcc3791a2b50479ca7cbd/tumblr_nyjjvaVpWs1uf51wyo1_1280.jpg
Georgia is SO STUPID
Ehh, the state or the movie?
A little column A, a little column B.
And I think Hippo was referring to UGa Football, so add a column C as a bonus.
Specifically, the kick return alignment and the dumbass kneeling at the fucking 7. The opponent was Georgia Tech, so naturally they still ran the clock out.
NAWT Georgia Jones, though, she’s a goddamned treasure.
http://iv1.lisimg.com/image/4504629/500full.jpg
Or did you mean this GJ?
http://basketball.eurobasket.com/player/Georgia_Jones/109194?Women=1
Gotta love Georgia and Faye!!!
You know else thought Georgia was stupid?
That’s right, William T. Sherman.
Fuente to VT.
Sure hope DD is already on the phone to Bud Foster.
These fucking Chevy commercials… “Two cars are traveling in the same direction, when do they collide?”
NEVER, fuckstick, because they are going the same direction. Jesus.
I will never believe that those are real people and/or genuine reactions.
Not to mention the whole they-got-brakes-and-steering-wheels-you-dumbass argument.
Uh, not to spoil your comments but I make a decent living off of two cars traveling in the same direction that still manage to hit each other.
It’s called stupid drivers.
I get that, but these commercials are clearly implying head-on collisions, which is idiotic. Plus I hate that neckbearded smug hipster prick.
If one’s going slower than the other, they’ll get in a rear-ender, though.
Clemson pulling a belated, spectacular Clemson. Have blown almost all of an 18-point lead to a team completely bereft of an offense.
It’s almost Sendekian.
How much weed you think are in Artsy/Craftsy Tony Romo’s Crownies?
I’d try one. They look pretty good.
He is clearly the superior Romo; he can make a papier mache’ cast for Tony’s collarbone.
AGREED. Pretty sure that is the real “Romo at home” too, he is a truly goofy fucker.
The only question now is who has better drugs, Arts ‘n Crafts Tony with his “medicinal” marijuana, or Football Tony with his painkillers?
Just a draw, but sister-kissin’ keeps Leicester sorta at the top of the table (behind City on goal differential).
UVa/VT is seriously unwatchable, btw.
This….not so surprising. Imagine similar thoughts apply to Dawgs/Bees
/usually that involves a chomp, 20 feet of trotting, and a howl
I had forgotted that Wake and Duke were playing.
Ya know….like the rest of society.
WVU-Iowa State is the pod person version of last night’s Baylor-TCU,
It’s horrendous, and it wants to consume and become you.
I just flipped over to see “really fat guy in poncho staring blankly”
it’s important to keep your oxycodone levels balanced with hydrocodone ,, ppl forget that
/friendly neighbourhood quack heals thyself
Sadly, mine is balanced bcuz I currently got neither.
You gots ailments, man! Get to teh doctor!! Or teh sketchy parts of Greensboro…
LMAO.
Gonna be having some major dental shite done soon. I plan to live on the opiates for weeks, if not months.
THERE YA GO! Just in time for Festivus.
Only drawback is that the Airing of Grievances is way too mellow with opiates involved.
Leicester #28 – THIS GUY FUCHS!!!
Christ, why does DeGea have to be so fucking good?
Laughing out loud during The Karate Kid because he gets the shite kicked out of him while wearing a Chargers jersey.
Appropriate.
http://41.media.tumblr.com/9d013452fec7509d3eece975eee21ee7/tumblr_nyjgs0Y0yR1uf51wyo1_1280.jpg
Oh man. That is FIERCE. Gives me so many ideas.
Illinois just gave their interim coach a TWO YEAR deal. Yeah, I’m sure he’ll recruit JUST FINE.
Haters gonna hate; Illinois gonna Illini…
Laziness Alert:
I’m sitting at the big computer upstairs, poking around online and generally screwing around, when cloud cover rolls in, and I realize I need the overhead light for any sort of visibility. Rather than stand and take ONE STEP to my left, I grab the two foot metal ruler I have for illustration purposes and flick the switch without doing anything other than extending my arm.
I may well be asleep sitting up within a half hour.
There’s a reason you go by the handle of “entropy”.
Quite a few of them, in fact.
One of my favourite bits of Carlin wisdom is “I’m an entropy fan.”
So I switched to enjoy Clemson murdering South Cakalaky and they immediately start derping.
They been derping more than not today actually.
Manure are level. Darkest Timeline RE-ACTIVATED
New Game, make your own Harbaugh praise simile.
I’ll start.
He’s as agile as the sword of Zeus.
He’s as dependable as an industrial steam-pressed pleat.
He’s as confident as a pig buyin’ groceries.
He’s as fast as an old leather couch.
He’s as smoky as an electric teakettle.
He’s as affable as an ingrown toenail.
Jim Harbaugh is as sweet and devastating as the Great Molasses Flood of 1919.
He’s as alluring as a herpetic lesion.
He’s as gracious as a firm handshake.
His resolve is more steely than that of a drunk girl on prom night.
It’s a Vardy Party!
FOXES WOO!!!!
Because someone has to:
http://talkingtoyourkidsaboutiowa.tumblr.com/
Chapter ??? in How To Get My Wife To Wince:
/wife comes back from ski swap
Me: How did things go?
Her: Okay. What did you do while I was gone?
Me: Little bit of laundry, breakfast for the kids, took some garbage to a dumpster
Her: [spies small bag in corner]I noticed you didn’t take ALL the garbage.
Me: If I took out ALL the garbage we’d only have one son instead of two.
Her: JESUS CHRIST!
/Mission Accomplished
That’s good hustle!
FWIW, this is a good song to listen to as one heads to the pharmacy to pick up one’s monthly oxycodone allotment. TOPICAL!!
I’m being silly. Why buy a tv for the bathroom when I can just buy a pico projector and thus also minimize the risk of having the damn thing drop in the tub and electrocute me. Plus those things are tiny so I can also carry it to the kitchen and project recipes on the ceiling. Or I could just use my tablet, but that’s not nearly as awesome.
http://howtostartafire.canopybrandgroup.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/cicret.jpg
I’m still trying to figure out how I can use a drone to bring me beer. The problem is getting it to open the fridge.
I had a remote control car in college that we fitted a beer cup to. If someone was in the kitchen and the car was present, they dropped one in the holder and sent it on its way. It was wonderful.
As usual we have to rely on the Cocks to fuck this whole season up.
Holy shit Cherries!
Holy shit Bournemouth!
Go Cherries!
/waits for Hippo to explode.
grumble, grumble, grumble, grumble, grumble
/anger gets to fester and boil for 3+ hours waiting for the Holes game, a game that I now know the goddamned cheating motherfuckers will win
“grumble, grumble, grumble, grumble, grumble”
– Bill Belichick watching the Spice Girls reunion.
Rickie Fowler picks the Pack.
Aaaaannndddd…no one else does.
Assholes.
Everton has blown a 2-nil lead. I know full well what this means for the rest of the day. And maybe for the weekend, with Donks/P*ts Sunday night. FUCK EVERYTHING, THANK JEEBUS FOAR OPIATES
HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’ BOYS? (and girls?)
Also, Barça is up 2-0 on Real Sociedad at the half…
3-0
you’ns ahead of Everton, it’s like you have more firepower or something. WEIRD!
Notre Dame wins easily?!?
That right there is East Coast bias in full effect. Stanford is no slouch. If I get my wish, and no one usually does, Stanford destroys and exposes ND. If not, it will still be a close game. No way ND runs away with this.
It’s actually my natural pessimism coming out. And though I love the Pac 12, I don’t think Stanford is a good matchup for the Irish. Not aggressive enough.
Lukaku makes it 2!!
SET PIECE EVERTON GOAL WOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Several shade below human level. That is beautiful phraseology, my friend.
I have already told family types to steer clear. Will they listen? Nope. But they’ve been warned.
I kind of want a Skype connection to Hippo’s TV room for this game.
There doesn;t need to be even more evidence for the inevitable involuntary commitment proceedings ,, smgdh
I normally think that apps like Periscope are the height of idiotic narcissism, but all of a sudden I see a practical use case.
Right?
I would watch the shit out of this!
He’s just a big teddy bear during games. Then again, I’ve only witnessed it in public…..and nawt on U*NC day.
Draw your own conclusions.
Man City is so much better than Southhampton that the referee has apparently decided to let the Saints use their hands.
Sorry Sill.
I’m likely going to finish up my lighting fixture project today, and now I’m thinking “Hey, with all these online sales, I should get a small flat screen tv to mount in the bathroom so I can watch football in the tub.” How long will I own a house before I stop compulsively desiring to improve it?
You will want to stop improving your house at roughly the same time as the universe collapses back in on itself and we all find out the answer to the eternal questions, “Is there a God?” and “What’s the best rug to really tie this room together?”.
Kids will rob you of both your will to live and any ability to have nice things, particularly house-related.
*also helps that I am lazy and have absolutely no practical skills**
**the “no practical skills” applies to pretty much 90% of all law school applicatants
While I have some practical skills my wife is way ahead of me in that department. And she did not go to law school.
Desiring to improve it? Never.
Desiring to do any of the actual work required to improve it? Probably about two weeks.
Friends had invited us over for a post-Thanksgiving re-Thanksgiving feast. Our daughters are close friends from the time they were in baby/toddler activities together. The wife is fine, but the husband is one of those guys who wants to argue about everything–even though on most issues, we agree. He loves guns, too, and just because I own a gun and once was training for a federal law enforcement career, he thinks that I’m a gun-lover–despite me making clear to him that I don’t think the 2nd Amendment is a guarantee of an individual’s right to own a gun–so he’s always showing me his latest gun purchase and talking shop about guns. And when the husband drinks, he gets more belligerent, and the last time they came over to our house, he drank all the beer we had, and proceeded to argue with me about Common Core.
In other words, they’re nice enough people in some ways, but in other ways, we don’t like spending a lot with them. They’re not into cleaning, so their house is always a frickin’ disaster.
So we weren’t looking forward to today. Then, last night, they call my wife to tell her that their baby son was puking and their daughter had scarlet fever, and so they had to cancel. I was dancing a jig while they were talking to my wife. I feel bad for the sick kids, but their illnesses have saved my Saturday.
Go Bruins, go Cardinal, go ‘War Eagle’ (is that what you say with Auburn?), go fuckin’ Oakies!
I dunno for sure if they say “War Damn Eagle” or if I just made that up. I did watch the HBO mini-documentary on the rivalry, I just don’t recall the specifics.
Only ever knew one Aubie dude, a quiet fella in law school who didn’t even have a Southern accent. His folks were professors, so he wasn’t really a representative sample.
Your story reminds me of another law school buddy, a gun nut Yinzer. But good ol’ Bob was and is a reliable liberal voter. His constitutional law class comments were pretty great (on choice “I think in an overpopulated world, we should be encouraging death wherever possible”). And I guess as a Pennsylvanian, he found the notion of guns as a voting issue (for the local redneckery) kind of silly. Won 2nd prize in a city-wide Halloween costume party by wearing a jockstrap over his clothes with a picture of Jesse Helms on it. Just walked around telling people “If you’ve seen one Jesse Helms supporter, you’ve seen ’em all!”
That is a pretty damn clever Halloween costume.
I used to work for a company based out of ‘Bama. Birmingham is truly lovely and a great place to spend a week in a residential hotel and I’m not totally lying about that.
But it’s “Roll Tide” and “War Eagle” respectively, with ‘damn’ able to be used for emphasis in each. Which while vulgar is certainly better than poisoning each other’s shrubbery.
Horatio, I am terribly disappointed that a lawyer like you would fumble such an obvious opportunity to work the phrase “poisoned tree” into a conversation.
Oh man. Except for the gun-nuttery, your friend sounds just like me. I try to show interest and it comes off as Gus Bradley with a stomachache trying to keep it together.