EPL Weekend and Hold That Tiger! JV NFL Conference Championship Preview Edition

Welcome once again to all things Lesser Footy! I have no idea if/how to incorporate the coming exhibition games into this format, or whether to graft college basketballing onto the Euro-footy in the winter/spring. The mind, it boggles.

Anyway, last week’s sister kissing in Leicester allowed order to be restored and City to return to the top (goal differential over the Foxes). They get cromulent, pug-ugly 12th place Stoke to kick off the weekend (7:45 EST, NBCSN) as they look to solidify their position. Leicester gets the free falling (but still dangerous, in my view) Swans at 10 (Extra Time), while Manure play 8th place West Ham (10:00, NBCSN). Arsenal, back in their happy place in 4th, should be poised to capitalize on any slip-ups, hosting a rather dreadful Sunderland side (10, NBCSN).

9th place Everton and 7th place Palace square off in British MNF (3:00, NBCSN), in what should be the most evenly-matched fixture of the schedule. The Blues massively shit themselves at Bournemouth last weekend, but gathered themselves and turned in a very strong, professional performance at Middlesboro Tuesday night to advance to the semifinals of the League Cup. Nobody has any idea which Everton will turn up Monday, and whether it will change at halftime. FUN SHIT for the unbalanced fan!

Temple at Houston (Noon, ABC)

I can’t decide whether I like the fact that the better team gets to host the game, or if I more just like laughing at a conference championship that so few people care about that it can’t possibly be held at a neutral site. Anyway, the game itself could be fairly entertaining. Murrikan!!!

Texas at Baylor (Noon, ESPN)

Pointing and laughing at Texas is fun, and BayBay is angry. Good combination.

Florida vs. Alabama (4:00, CBS)

The TV schedule is more or less cleared out for this game, and it’s an absolute turd. The Gators may not break 100 yards of offense. Watch carefully to see if it’s puppy blood instead of Gatorade the players douse Nick Saban with (the tell will be if he smiles).

West Virginia at Kansas State (4:30, FS1)

The game has meaning only for the Fightin’ Undead Bill Snyders (bowl qualification), but the cousinfuckers can be entertaining at times. You will want a channel flipping option away from the SEC East derpage, trust me.

USC vs. Stanford (7:45, ESPN)

This game is important to me, in terms of keeping ALL POSSIBLE TALK of Darkest Timeline off the table. It’s pretty clear that the Condi Committee rightly sees the Tree as vastly superior to the Cheating Holes, but David Shaw’s extremely conventional ways will keep the Men of Troy in this one. Game is in Stanford’s backyard, at least.

Michigan State vs. Iowa (8:00, Fox)

First team to 10 wins (if any). Simplest playoff scenario for each, after the already in Boomer Sooner. Win and in, lose and no chance. Watch me look like an asshole and the game ends up 41-38 and the best teevee of the day.

Clemson vs. U*NC (8:00, ABC)

Hippo’s sanity requires a reckoning here. The Cheating Holes need to be put in their place. Clemson needs not to just beat them, but fucking ravage them. Tear them asunder. Make them wish their NCAA punishment had come before this game, so they could have baselessly insisted they would have won out and been national champs “if only everyone wasn’t out to get them.” The NC State/Clemson rivalry is a long one, but a friendly one, and I have no trouble cheering for them full-heartedly (even if Dabo is really, really annoying).

Also, a musical interlude since it’s officially December. I have championed this in the comments, but it deserves feature treatment as it is the single most beautiful performance I have ever heard. I also <3 Hope Sandoval as a fellow extreme introvert. Unlike me, Ms. Sandoval is also stunningly beautiful, so naturally was frequently misunderstood as being stuck up. Sexist bullshit. We are lucky she shared her angelic voice as often as she did.

Here are the complete lyrics, which made me cry like a baby as I typed this alone in my house on a cold Friday morning. This is the perfect winter song, hits me right in the gut, just with the genders reversed LMAO:

Before I let you down again,
I just want to see you in your eyes.
I wouldn’t have taken everything out on you,
I only thought you could understand.

They say every man goes blind in his heart,
And they say everybody steals somebody’s heart away.
And I got nothing more to say about it
Nothing more than you would me.

Send me your flowers of your December,
Send me your dreams of your candied wine.
I’ve got just one thing I can’t give you
Just one more thing of mine.

They say every man goes blind in his heart
And they say everybody steals somebody’s heart away
And I’ve been wondering why you let me down
And I’ve been taking it all for granted.

I’m such a gloomy fuck sometimes. Now, BEAT SOME GODDAMNED CAROLINA ASS, YOU ORANGE-CLAD CORNPONE MUTHAFUCKAS!!!

0 0 votes
Article Rating
King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
Subscribe
Notify of
614 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
laserguru

Now that I’ve finished today’s projects, Imma get high high.
Yessir.

WCS

laserguru

Tonight we have a pharmaceutical grade hybrid called LA Cookies. It leans a little more indica than I usually prefer but it’s damn tasty.

I ain’t got no other place to go.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3aV7CoZ84fM

theeWeeBabySeamus

*sigh*

Sill Bimmons

yep

JustStopDude
Horatio Cornblower

Florida’s quarterback was so bad against Alabama that Jerry Jones immediately moved him up to 2nd round pick to back-up Romo.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Sill Bimmons

Fuck Sparty.

Fuck Iowa.

FUCK THE B1G

Sill Bimmons

Why doesn’t anyone hate Saban as much as I do?

The fucker is the fuckedist up fucktard that ever fucked up a fuckuppery.

I don’t even care about Alabama.

I just care that this fucking charlatan is imprisoned for robbing the poorest state in the country blind.

Unlike Alabamans.

Sill Bimmons

You don’t hate properly.

Hate the man, not the program.

http://i223.photobucket.com/albums/dd174/Sportyiq/Bobbyandhisrings.jpg

laserguru

Oh I share your hatred Sill. I truly do.

Sill Bimmons

comment image?w=1000&h=625

laserguru

And you will know you have succeeded tuning the guitar when the guitar is clean, tuned with new strings and you are bleeding from about 7 pin hole wounds.
Goddammit.

Sill Bimmons

This doesn’t happen when tuning Kazoos.

laserguru

Or harmonicas.

I am giving granddaughter #1 a C scale harmonica for Christmas. I’m sure my daughter and son-in-law will love that.

blaxabbath

Hey all — just dropped by [DFO] today to grab the link from RTD about where to get knockoff jerseys. Unfortunately, no one appears to be carrying the new Dbacks uniform so I gotta think of something different for my dad’s Christmas gift.

Also, anyone see Arizona come back and beat Gonzaga today? I didn’t because I watched the first half and felt like that Broncos fan who needs to stay in the basement so I played Call of Duty.

Sill Bimmons

These are English words that would appear to make sense, but not in the order in which they are presented.

Sill Bimmons

I hate Nick Saban more than I’ve ever hated any human being involved in sports.

Even Ray Lewis can point to plausible deniability.

Sill Bimmons

FUCK SABAN THE ALABAMA AND THE ESSEEESEE

Croooow

Golden State 21-0. Holy shit.

WCS

Couple of touchdowns and they’re right back in it.

blordinaryfagicmox

I really think Derrick Henry needs a “La’ ” in front of his name.

Sill Bimmons

Why does Peter Pan in this GEICO ad look like the first kid whose Bar Mitzvah I went to?

JustStopDude

comment image

Croooow

Iowa winning would piss off Colin Cowherd to no end, reason enough to root for the Hawkeyes tonight.

Sill Bimmons

GOFUCKINGIOWAGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO

Sill Bimmons

Saints with the home draw against last place Aston Villa.

http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/2012/01/dismissive_wanking.gif

JustStopDude
Sill Bimmons

As if it matters.

Croooow

How on Earth did Florida win 10 games?

WCS

Playing the ESS EEE SEE East has it’s benefits.

Sill Bimmons

ESS EEE SEE

Sill Bimmons

I’d happily sentence Nick Saban to life in prison so his assets can be forfeited and he can work to provide restitution to the people of the Alabama from whom he’s stolen, ilke, everything.

I really do hate the Alabama, but I just hate Nick Saban so much more.

JustStopDude

comment image

Sill Bimmons

Uh…

JustStopDude

Florida is now a smoking ruin…

Old School Zero

Did all the meth labs catch on fire at once?

Sill Bimmons

Moar liek Faces Of Uncontrollable Testosterone.

Sill Bimmons

When do you begin to take personal responsibility for the evil that you’ve done?

The people at Purdue Pharma are mass murderers no different than the people at Bushmaster, only their bullets look like this:

http://s.hswstatic.com/gif/oxycontin-3-250×150.jpg

So nobody cares.

WCS

To be fair, no one cares when a Bushmaster kills a bunch of people, either.

Sill Bimmons

True.

Life is really fucking cheap in Murka.

Sill Bimmons

Yeah, not Europe so much.

They learned just how fucking cheap life was last century.

Sill Bimmons

comment image

blordinaryfagicmox

Once we take down Purdue Chicken, we’ll go after Pharma. It’s just alphabetical.

Sill Bimmons

LOGIC

Whoever created Florida’s offense is the Ed Wood of offensive coordinators.

Sill Bimmons

comment image

Sill Bimmons

Astra Zeneca: Cleaning the pipes of America’s uncontrollable opiate addiction!

JustStopDude

There is nothing worse than taking your first shit in like three weeks. It feels like you are tearing a tree stump through your ass. Back when I was an addict, I used to have to break up my shit by hand so as not to fuck up the toilet.

Fucking smack is a terrible drug…

Sill Bimmons

These fucking anouncers are OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD

Sill Bimmons

Nice job, autocorrect.

Couldn’t just go ahead and add that extra “n” to “announcers,” could you?

JUST TOO MUCH FUCKING WORK

JustStopDude

Still better than anything the NFL has by fucking light years.

I have yet to hear a college game announcing crew that makes me pine for the NFL squads…

Sill Bimmons
laserguru

And now for one of my (least) favorite past times.
Restringing the acoustic.

Still better than restringing the electric which I should probably also do.

This is why I have all these guitars, when you break the high “E” you just grab another axe.

Sill Bimmons

The only musical instrument I’ve ever owned was a Kazoo.

http://www.captainkazoo.com/thekaz.gif

blordinaryfagicmox
blordinaryfagicmox

I feel your pain, I hate it when my string breaks
comment image

Beastmode Ate My Baby

/Looks at guitar, feels guilty
//promises to actually practice again this week

laserguru

This is also a good opportunity to give it a proper cleaning.
On Thanksgiving my youngest granddaughter thought it was funny to drop about 4 of my picks into the sound hole of the guitar which made it damn near impossible to get them out, until now.
I told her “Grandaddy loves you but DO NOT fuck with my guitars!”
I think she got the point.

Sill Bimmons
blordinaryfagicmox

It made me feel better, until I realized that a team from Alabama still won the game.

Sill Bimmons

Yeah, but it wasn’t Saban.

So there’s that.

Florida might want to consider investing in offensive talent in the future, just a thought.

JustStopDude

And Florida implodes….

Sill Bimmons

Coker has the worst throwing style since Lamar Latrelle.

http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view6/3210228/lamar-latrell-javelin-o.gif

blordinaryfagicmox

I hope injury tent isn’t like the Mike Leetch closet at Texas Tech.

JustStopDude

Oh that was a PRETTY TD catch….

WCS

Backup quarterback comes in, throws two 60+ bombs. One for a touchdown, the other down to the 8.

WVU Football, Where Everything Causes Indigestion!

JustStopDude

Vintage Saban football…

Player gets hurt and limps off the field…two plays later…player is back in and gets hurt again…

WCS

It’s always funny to watch the pets get anxious when I move furniture around in preparation to vacuum. They are terrified by the loud, glowing-eyed monster with the long tail.

JustStopDude

My parrot starts growling whenever I move the mop and bucket out of the hall closet.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

My dog lets me vacuum her with the shop-vac. I think it is “Meh, it’s attention; I’ll take it.”

Beastmode Ate My Baby

My cats generally don’t like the vacuum, but one of them sometimes sits on the stairs when I vacuum them. I have to get him to move up a few steps, then vacuum, then move him, etc.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Most motors emit a high pitched frequency the pets can hear and we can’t; for some it is nails across a blackboard type sound.

blordinaryfagicmox

I think there have been more injury stoppages than points in this game.

Sill Bimmons

Of all the readily available bacons, I’d have to say that Boar’s Head Extra Thick Cut is the best.

2 oz. slices.

Oh, yeah:

comment image?lastModify=2014-03-12

JustStopDude

Goddamn it…why isn’t this game over yet?!? I want to see the Mich State v Iowa game already…

Sill Bimmons

You know what else is 139 years old?

The outhouse.

Progress!

blordinaryfagicmox

Toilet paper: 138 years old.

blordinaryfagicmox

If I were on the committee, this game would take Alabama out of the playoff for me; a wet rag could’ve scored 17 points on them by now. Of course, if I were on the committee Alabama wouldn’t EVER get in.

JustStopDude

Its the typical Alabama/SEC championship. No fucking offense on either side of the ball. Incredibly slow game.

I appreciate good defensive games…but this shit…every fucking year its the same damn thing. Its like they don’t even try to recruit a good QB.

Sill Bimmons

Everything about the Alabama is just the worst.

WCS

“We’re not Mississippi!” — Alabama state motto

JustStopDude

I got a job offer in Alabama. It was about 40% higher than what I currently make…no travel…set schedule at a steel mill.

Its in the middle of fucking nowhere. The last time I was at this mill, you could not get AM radio stations because its so far away from anything else.

I couldn’t bring myself to pull the trigger…

WCS

Alabamians think radio is just a tool of the devil, anyway.

Horatio Cornblower

You’d be the first person in the history of Alabama to have trouble pulling a trigger.

Sill Bimmons

Except when it’s telling them they’re sinners going straight to hell.

Then it’s fine.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

“Get thee behind me, Satan!”
-Alabamans

“Sure. Didn’t know you were into anal.”
-Satan

Sill Bimmons

“Get thee behind me, Saban!”

-Alabamans

“I’m already fucking you over for $7 million, but OK!”

-Saban