![[DOOR FLIES OPEN]](https://doorfliesopen.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/DFO-MC-Patch.png)
Cin @ Den: What to make of Denver? They’re the first team in a few years to not score any points at all in the second half of three straight games. They’ve lost their last two, they’ve beaten San Diego (like everyone else), they beat the P*ts in OT (did NE win the toss in that one?), and they lost 17-15 to the Bears. A devout Broncs fan “says” (meaning he mumbles through tears), It’s not a slow fade, honest! Let’s math it up for a bit, shall we? If the Broncs win tonight the chances of a first-round bye rise to 72%, yet if they lose the odds of them missing the playoffs altogether increase to 23%. Isn’t football fandom fun in a severe chest-pain kind of way? But there is some good news… HERE COMES CINCY! [camera pans to a lone figure limping over the horizon, backlit by a setting sun] That illustration is, like, way metaphorical, right? QB Dalton and TE Ifart are out so the Bengals won’t be looking like a 3-loss team. My prediction is that each squad has the exact same game plan-pack the box and make the QB win it with his arm/smarts. This means the game is determined by which team has the better secondary/pass rush. Denver? Denver.
Your Very Last Monday Nighter Open Thread
That sack whistle was Brady-fast.
Kobe’s reaction to “Uh, thanks for inviting me up, but I’m gonna leave your hotel room now.”
What. I literally looked away at the end of that bootleg, because I figured he’d be throwing it away. Who gets sacked in that situation?!
Due to a lazy suturing, Lance Armstrong also has a sack whistle.
You think Pacman ain’t gon make illegal contact? Pacman gon touch where he want. And then Pacman gon drank.
Pacman gon drank while he touch what he want.
He like-a to touch ya
O AN U NOE HE DO BULLLEEEEE DAT CHUH CHUH
I think this makes me a bad person…but I am always surprised that not only is Jones still in the league…but that he is still alive.
I mean I really expected him to kind of have some crazy thing happen like the Bengals wide receiver who fell out of his ex’s truck and died.
Chris Henry I think….
He has three lives and gets another one for every 10,000 he gives out at the club.
Is this the start of another stretch of five penalties in a row that drive the Broncos down the field?
God I hope so
BLEERGH is making his divine presence known early.
Ace of Spades guy is dead and Ace of Base guy still lives. Yeah, that’s fair.
Vontaze Burfict just reads like a massive typing error.
Spell checks to Vintage but fiction
Venting Butfart
Yay pretend penalties for the home team!
It’d be pretty funny if this turned into a 100-point shootout.
HAI, bargaining stage of grief
Which is why we’ll get a blowout.
As opposed to the 10-point shootout we were expecting?
Hippo, I’m still on vacation, so I can get hammered for both of us. Your on your own, pills-wise, though. I can’t waste my Xanaxx stash on this
AJ vs A.J. is the new Terrell vs Terrell.
Can’t-be-lieve-they-ran-this-spot
Honey-can-you-sign-for-this?
So Meadowlark Lemon and Lemm(on)y Kilmister were the same person?
RIP Meadowlark Lemmy
Nationwide: DRINK
30 minutes later…
http://i.imgur.com/z5FqJpF.gif
Here is something I don’t get…
Why does not the NFL use footballs during extra points and field goals, that have a very small radio transponder in them? You could have two sets of sensors in the uprights. Now you know, to fucking millimeters, if a kick is good, with zero fucking judgement calls.
If I can track a coil of steel moving 350 feet per second, tracking its speed, tension, diameter, thickness, etc…methinks I could pull this off rather easily.
Because NFL owners are cheap bastards?
As long as they can fit another commercial in here somewhere….
CAUSE THAT WOULD RUIN THE INTEGRITY OF THE GAME AND SOMETHING SOMETHING AND WE FUCKING HATE GOOD IDEAS AT THE NFL – AFTER ALL WE HAD A BUFFET AT THE LAST COACH’S MEETING AND ANDY REID LOOKED LIKE GODZILLA VISITING A DAIRY FARM
It’s probably a cost vs. benefit sort of thing.
The NFL does NOT like low-cost high-reward solutions to problems.
The most obvious cost would be requiring a LOT of testing. However…its not like the NFL season is extensive at all. So basically you would need like 6 months of straight testing through all the different stadiums with a few kickers.
So it’s safe to say that AJ Green is a hall of famer right?
HOF…ish
-PK
anyone have any Arsenic they aren’t using? asking for a friend
I have some palladium I don’t need any more….
Hey, hey hey there friendo, I’ve some nice Asian black marketers to whom I’ve pledged your organs…don’t harm the merchandise.
Evening, folks. So McCarron’s fist pump near-fall sort of has to be mocked by Von Miller after a sack later, yes?
Best defense in the NFL!!! (Stats heavily skewed by first half of the season dominance)
For the love of Christ, do players need to sign witnessed affidavits to report in (il)eligible now?
My stream seems to be behind.
It’s cold comfort that I fucking predicted this (and imaginarily bet heavy on it).
Wow, that catch was INSANE.
That didn’t seem like the best throw, right? Harris had a play on it. The two sideline throws earlier in the drive were into really tight windows though.
So tight it reminded me of the night I lost my virginity.
Forsberg one timer and this game is maybe going to burst wide open. Yes, I will continue to talk hockey in here.
Every time I see Wade Phillips, I instinctively want to berate him in a Texas drawl.
I want to motorboat his tittes.
Not to pat myself on the back, but I was very accommodating to Steelers fans yesterday.
I had friendly banter and witty repartee – and it didn’t fall apart into nasty, profanity laced swearing.
You’re right, but go fuck yourself.
Happy new year to you – bastard.
I handled that for you.
It doesn’t count if you just dangle your keys in front of them to keep them happy and distracted.
Hey, we’re not all that slow and—- OOOO SHINY
It’s like you’re all part ferret.
I’m sure winning helped.
Yeah, but it was just getting the fuck out of the house, drinking beer, and moonshine, and eating grilled meat and nice weather and . . .oh yeah, beating our rivals in a season that was a shit shower.
How do you fall for an option with fucking McCarron?
Holy shit fuck shit goddamn
I have a 9:15 neurologist appt, so I can’t even get blind drunk
Doesn’t the neurologist want you functioning normally?
Godfuckingdamnit
If the Bengals win, the Steelers are fucked, yes?
Actually, the opposite. If the Donks lose out, and the Stillers and Jets both win, the latter get in over Denver via tiebreaker, and Andy Reid gets to continue to gorge on brisket as AFC West champ.
New Game: Pitch your most spurious Star Wars product tie-in (e.g. those car commercials)
condoms.
You win.
Condoms: “Because even stormtroopers hit their target once in awhile.”
KOTW
That force play at second base brought to you by Star Wars eye black. Remember it’s not racist if it only small part of your face.
So since my sister’s been home for the holidays it’s been a non-stop battle between her cat and our cat. I’m just getting sick of it.
Shall we place wages, my brethen kommenters?
Gimme a dime on Weaselo’s cat.
The sister’s cat’s a feral she found in our backyard over the summer, so our 10yo cat’s not happy to the point of hissing at all of us. Sister’s cat’s also been getting a bit braver in terms of running around the house and is now the one doing most of the chasing.
Either way I’m worried.
Lemmy is gone. The world is a little bit quieter.
More whiskey for me.
A LOT quieter. And worse.
Tackling, motherfuckers, can you do it?
It’s like the back seven is on muthafuckin strike
The uniforms are kinda clashing. Too much orange.
Imagine if this was a Color Rush…
Thank you! I get grumpy whenever the Browns and Bengals play for the same reason.
First attempt at tikki masala in a crockpot, and homemade roti flatbread. Results are fine, could be better, but more than acceptable for a maiden try. Professor in made grades this a low B-.
Just remember what happens to all Alabama ladyfolk when they hit 30 and/or drop that first baby…
McCarron’s mom has actually help up pretty well.
Is she a transplant? Or just an extreme outlier to Springerland?
Transplant? I don’t know.
Implants? Probably yes.
I was going to request some Webb earlier, you are doing God’s work.
WANNA GET HAMMERED TONIGHT? DRINK AT EVERY INSURANCE COMMERCIAL!
GEICO, Nationwide, State Farm, Progressive, USAA, eSurance, AllState, etc. Did I leave anyone out? The football-watching demographic must be prime insurance buyers I guess.
RIP Lemmy.
This is not a good day.
I liked this because I hate it.
When will the hipster scrouge be defeated?
*scourge
It’ll end in one more generation. The sons of hipsters will all be sterile from wearing skinny jeans from birth.
Okay so is fucking Xmas break over? Because I’m looking into selling my kids.
I still think your middle one was right to complain the other day.
Buyer’s market.
Wait till April.
You can get quite a bit for a nice honky kid on the black market in the internet era. They depreciate fast, though.
Is there going to be a open thread for the college playoff games?
Yeah, why not.
I can do my normal Saturday previews for ’em
Do you guys get nailed over the head with Russell Wilson/Macklemore Bose speaker ads like we do up here?
This is Russel’s seething rage…
RUSSEL WILSON DOES OWN THAT GODDAMNED BIRD IT’S JUST PERCHED ON HIS PROPERTY
I stumble back into my parents house…
Mom “where have you been?”
Me”Oh um…college buddy wanted to see me before I left”
Mom “I thought you back was…ARE YOU HIGH?!?”
Me “Well…um…you’re drunk!”
Mom “I’m RETIRED!”
Me “Touche”
So, did you “visit” the red temptress?
Yes…I now have an extremely sore jaw. Early in life, thanks to being a gimp with spina bifida, I learned early on that I needed to learn how to eat pussy as my shit tends…to not…always function that great.
Well done! Let’s hope she returned the favor.
But mom they are playing in Denver and it’s legal there!
SHIT THEY GOT MEDICINAL HEROIN IN DENVER NOW!?!?
WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING LIVING IN VIRGINIA????
Von Miller loved these guys before they were performing the National Anthem at a Broncos game.
Token black guy
http://vignette4.wikia.nocookie.net/walkingdead/images/3/34/Wut……jpg/revision/latest?cb=20131121222224
Rest in Peace Lemmy. Death is the only thing that could’ve killed you.
Death is good at killing.
More like the Meat Sweats
INSTRUMENTAL ANTHEMS!!!
http://downbeat.com/images/JJJohnson.jpg
I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can.
HGH, shit no, I feast on the fetuses of aborted Eastern Europeans.
The Subway HGH freshtake
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