Your Very Last Monday Nighter Open Thread

Cin @ Den: What to make of Denver? They’re the first team in a few years to not score any points at all in the second half of three straight games. They’ve lost their last two, they’ve beaten San Diego (like everyone else), they beat the P*ts in OT (did NE win the toss in that one?), and they lost 17-15 to the Bears. A devout Broncs fan “says” (meaning he mumbles through tears), It’s not a slow fade, honest!  Let’s math it up for a bit, shall we? If the Broncs win tonight the chances of a first-round bye rise to 72%, yet if they lose the odds of them missing the playoffs altogether increase to 23%. Isn’t football fandom fun in a severe chest-pain kind of way? But there is some good news… HERE COMES CINCY! [camera pans to a lone figure limping over the horizon, backlit by a setting sun] That illustration is, like, way metaphorical, right? QB Dalton and TE Ifart are out so the Bengals won’t be looking like a 3-loss team. My prediction is that each squad has the exact same game plan-pack the box and make the QB win it with his arm/smarts. This means the game is determined by which team has the better secondary/pass rush. Denver? Denver.

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blordinaryfagicmox

That sack whistle was Brady-fast.

Spur

comment image

SonOfSpam

Kobe’s reaction to “Uh, thanks for inviting me up, but I’m gonna leave your hotel room now.”

hippofant

What. I literally looked away at the end of that bootleg, because I figured he’d be throwing it away. Who gets sacked in that situation?!

SonOfSpam

Due to a lazy suturing, Lance Armstrong also has a sack whistle.

Senor Weaselo

You think Pacman ain’t gon make illegal contact? Pacman gon touch where he want. And then Pacman gon drank.

entropy

Pacman gon drank while he touch what he want.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

He like-a to touch ya

WCS

O AN U NOE HE DO BULLLEEEEE DAT CHUH CHUH

JustStopDude

I think this makes me a bad person…but I am always surprised that not only is Jones still in the league…but that he is still alive.

I mean I really expected him to kind of have some crazy thing happen like the Bengals wide receiver who fell out of his ex’s truck and died.

Chris Henry I think….

Senor Weaselo

He has three lives and gets another one for every 10,000 he gives out at the club.

ballsofsteelandfury

Is this the start of another stretch of five penalties in a row that drive the Broncos down the field?

Moonbatting Average

God I hope so

WCS

BLEERGH is making his divine presence known early.

SonOfSpam

Ace of Spades guy is dead and Ace of Base guy still lives. Yeah, that’s fair.

entropy

Vontaze Burfict just reads like a massive typing error.

Moonbatting Average

Spell checks to Vintage but fiction

SonOfSpam

Venting Butfart

SonOfSpam

Yay pretend penalties for the home team!

makeitsnowondem

It’d be pretty funny if this turned into a 100-point shootout.

King Hippo

HAI, bargaining stage of grief

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Which is why we’ll get a blowout.

Senor Weaselo

As opposed to the 10-point shootout we were expecting?

Moonbatting Average

Hippo, I’m still on vacation, so I can get hammered for both of us. Your on your own, pills-wise, though. I can’t waste my Xanaxx stash on this

blordinaryfagicmox

AJ vs A.J. is the new Terrell vs Terrell.

King Hippo

Can’t-be-lieve-they-ran-this-spot

JustStopDude

Honey-can-you-sign-for-this?

blordinaryfagicmox

So Meadowlark Lemon and Lemm(on)y Kilmister were the same person?

Col. Duke LaCross

RIP Meadowlark Lemmy

Brick Meathook

Nationwide: DRINK

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

30 minutes later…
http://i.imgur.com/z5FqJpF.gif

JustStopDude

Here is something I don’t get…

Why does not the NFL use footballs during extra points and field goals, that have a very small radio transponder in them? You could have two sets of sensors in the uprights. Now you know, to fucking millimeters, if a kick is good, with zero fucking judgement calls.

If I can track a coil of steel moving 350 feet per second, tracking its speed, tension, diameter, thickness, etc…methinks I could pull this off rather easily.

ballsofsteelandfury

Because NFL owners are cheap bastards?

Bloody Lethal

As long as they can fit another commercial in here somewhere….

jjfozz

CAUSE THAT WOULD RUIN THE INTEGRITY OF THE GAME AND SOMETHING SOMETHING AND WE FUCKING HATE GOOD IDEAS AT THE NFL – AFTER ALL WE HAD A BUFFET AT THE LAST COACH’S MEETING AND ANDY REID LOOKED LIKE GODZILLA VISITING A DAIRY FARM

...

It’s probably a cost vs. benefit sort of thing.

entropy

The NFL does NOT like low-cost high-reward solutions to problems.

JustStopDude

The most obvious cost would be requiring a LOT of testing. However…its not like the NFL season is extensive at all. So basically you would need like 6 months of straight testing through all the different stadiums with a few kickers.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

So it’s safe to say that AJ Green is a hall of famer right?

JustStopDude

HOF…ish

-PK

King Hippo

anyone have any Arsenic they aren’t using? asking for a friend

entropy

I have some palladium I don’t need any more….

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

Hey, hey hey there friendo, I’ve some nice Asian black marketers to whom I’ve pledged your organs…don’t harm the merchandise.

entropy

Evening, folks. So McCarron’s fist pump near-fall sort of has to be mocked by Von Miller after a sack later, yes?

Moonbatting Average

Best defense in the NFL!!! (Stats heavily skewed by first half of the season dominance)

hippofant

For the love of Christ, do players need to sign witnessed affidavits to report in (il)eligible now?

hippofant

My stream seems to be behind.

King Hippo

It’s cold comfort that I fucking predicted this (and imaginarily bet heavy on it).

Spur

Wow, that catch was INSANE.

hippofant

That didn’t seem like the best throw, right? Harris had a play on it. The two sideline throws earlier in the drive were into really tight windows though.

ballsofsteelandfury

So tight it reminded me of the night I lost my virginity.

Bloody Lethal

Forsberg one timer and this game is maybe going to burst wide open. Yes, I will continue to talk hockey in here.

...

Every time I see Wade Phillips, I instinctively want to berate him in a Texas drawl.

Spur

I want to motorboat his tittes.

jjfozz

Not to pat myself on the back, but I was very accommodating to Steelers fans yesterday.

I had friendly banter and witty repartee – and it didn’t fall apart into nasty, profanity laced swearing.

WCS

You’re right, but go fuck yourself.

jjfozz

Happy new year to you – bastard.

entropy

I handled that for you.

JustStopDude

It doesn’t count if you just dangle your keys in front of them to keep them happy and distracted.

WCS

Hey, we’re not all that slow and—- OOOO SHINY

entropy

It’s like you’re all part ferret.

ballsofsteelandfury

I’m sure winning helped.

jjfozz

Yeah, but it was just getting the fuck out of the house, drinking beer, and moonshine, and eating grilled meat and nice weather and . . .oh yeah, beating our rivals in a season that was a shit shower.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

How do you fall for an option with fucking McCarron?

Moonbatting Average

Holy shit fuck shit goddamn

King Hippo

I have a 9:15 neurologist appt, so I can’t even get blind drunk

nomonkeyfun

Doesn’t the neurologist want you functioning normally?

King Hippo

Godfuckingdamnit

Spur

If the Bengals win, the Steelers are fucked, yes?

WCS

Actually, the opposite. If the Donks lose out, and the Stillers and Jets both win, the latter get in over Denver via tiebreaker, and Andy Reid gets to continue to gorge on brisket as AFC West champ.

New Game: Pitch your most spurious Star Wars product tie-in (e.g. those car commercials)

blordinaryfagicmox

condoms.

ballsofsteelandfury

You win.

jjfozz

Condoms: “Because even stormtroopers hit their target once in awhile.”

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

KOTW

nomonkeyfun

That force play at second base brought to you by Star Wars eye black. Remember it’s not racist if it only small part of your face.

Senor Weaselo

So since my sister’s been home for the holidays it’s been a non-stop battle between her cat and our cat. I’m just getting sick of it.

Shall we place wages, my brethen kommenters?

ballsofsteelandfury

Gimme a dime on Weaselo’s cat.

Senor Weaselo

The sister’s cat’s a feral she found in our backyard over the summer, so our 10yo cat’s not happy to the point of hissing at all of us. Sister’s cat’s also been getting a bit braver in terms of running around the house and is now the one doing most of the chasing.

Either way I’m worried.

jjfozz

Lemmy is gone. The world is a little bit quieter.

JustStopDude

What??? Seriously?!?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T09hBGGpSjk

Fuck man…

SonOfSpam

More whiskey for me.

Shogun Marcus

A LOT quieter. And worse.

Moonbatting Average

Tackling, motherfuckers, can you do it?

King Hippo

It’s like the back seven is on muthafuckin strike

Spur

The uniforms are kinda clashing. Too much orange.

Senor Weaselo

Imagine if this was a Color Rush…

...

Thank you! I get grumpy whenever the Browns and Bengals play for the same reason.

WCS

First attempt at tikki masala in a crockpot, and homemade roti flatbread. Results are fine, could be better, but more than acceptable for a maiden try. Professor in made grades this a low B-.

Sill Bimmons
King Hippo

Just remember what happens to all Alabama ladyfolk when they hit 30 and/or drop that first baby…

...

McCarron’s mom has actually help up pretty well.

King Hippo

Is she a transplant? Or just an extreme outlier to Springerland?

...

Transplant? I don’t know.

Implants? Probably yes.

litre_cola

I was going to request some Webb earlier, you are doing God’s work.

Brick Meathook

WANNA GET HAMMERED TONIGHT? DRINK AT EVERY INSURANCE COMMERCIAL!

GEICO, Nationwide, State Farm, Progressive, USAA, eSurance, AllState, etc. Did I leave anyone out? The football-watching demographic must be prime insurance buyers I guess.

jjfozz

RIP Lemmy.

This is not a good day.

Shogun Marcus

I liked this because I hate it.

When will the hipster scrouge be defeated?

nomonkeyfun

It’ll end in one more generation. The sons of hipsters will all be sterile from wearing skinny jeans from birth.

jjfozz

Okay so is fucking Xmas break over? Because I’m looking into selling my kids.

ballsofsteelandfury

I still think your middle one was right to complain the other day.

Sill Bimmons

Buyer’s market.

Wait till April.

King Hippo

You can get quite a bit for a nice honky kid on the black market in the internet era. They depreciate fast, though.

Spur

Is there going to be a open thread for the college playoff games?

ballsofsteelandfury

Yeah, why not.

King Hippo

I can do my normal Saturday previews for ’em

litre_cola

Do you guys get nailed over the head with Russell Wilson/Macklemore Bose speaker ads like we do up here?

JustStopDude

This is Russel’s seething rage…

...

RUSSEL WILSON DOES OWN THAT GODDAMNED BIRD IT’S JUST PERCHED ON HIS PROPERTY

JustStopDude

I stumble back into my parents house…

Mom “where have you been?”

Me”Oh um…college buddy wanted to see me before I left”

Mom “I thought you back was…ARE YOU HIGH?!?”

Me “Well…um…you’re drunk!”

Mom “I’m RETIRED!”

Me “Touche”

ballsofsteelandfury

So, did you “visit” the red temptress?

JustStopDude

Yes…I now have an extremely sore jaw. Early in life, thanks to being a gimp with spina bifida, I learned early on that I needed to learn how to eat pussy as my shit tends…to not…always function that great.

ballsofsteelandfury

Well done! Let’s hope she returned the favor.

litre_cola

But mom they are playing in Denver and it’s legal there!

JustStopDude

SHIT THEY GOT MEDICINAL HEROIN IN DENVER NOW!?!?

WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING LIVING IN VIRGINIA????

makeitsnowondem

Von Miller loved these guys before they were performing the National Anthem at a Broncos game.

Spur

Token black guy

Sill Bimmons

http://vignette4.wikia.nocookie.net/walkingdead/images/3/34/Wut……jpg/revision/latest?cb=20131121222224

Col. Duke LaCross

Rest in Peace Lemmy. Death is the only thing that could’ve killed you.

http://youtu.be/XUJ0IYZKLvE

Sill Bimmons

Death is good at killing.

ballsofsteelandfury

More like the Meat Sweats

Defensive Back Mike Wallace
Redshirt

I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can. I think they can.

HGH, shit no, I feast on the fetuses of aborted Eastern Europeans.

Spur

The Subway HGH freshtake