I have been writing this up for a while now. This report has been written, deleted, and started from scratch daily. It is easy to get caught up in our cynical nature about what the NFL has done to us. They have lied to us about player safety. They have been inconsistent with the messages they have sent out with whom they punish and for what offense. And because of the whole paid patriotism they have made me cringe and despise the way they parade our veterans using them as marketing props while not doing anything for their plight.
Throughout the playoff game, there were mentions of groups of vets every quarter, a vet sang the National Anthem, they had the color guard out there, they had a flyover. Why, so they can get a chant of “USA” going? To make us think the NFL cares about our armed forces, or because the demographics who lap that shit up are more likely to spend $100 every year on a new jersey or $150 on a custom jersey to mock another team. This empty pageantry physically made me feel sick. And it is hard to write something that isn’t somewhat tainted by cynicism because of it. Below is the story I wanted to tell. It isn’t too exciting and had I been a better writer I proabbly could have hid my bias more, but enjoy.
P.S. Sorry not sorry for the title
Let me Start off by saying NFL games are fun. You can hang out with complete strangers, down a couple of beers and everyone is your friend. Playoffs, however, they are an entirely different beast.
Imagine you are standing at a concert your favorite band. Now every concert has “that guy” in attendance. The one who wears the shirt of the band he is seeing. I am not talking about the ones who are just enjoying the moment. No, I am talking about the ones who will violently defend their position Star Wars > Star Trek, Marvel < DC, Beatles > Rolling Stones < Beach Boys. Imagine going to a concert where everyone around you is “that guy” and that is what the Redacted / Packers game was.
Starting around 12:30 would have been earlier, but Maryland isn’t exactly known for having the best drivers. There was a car accident where a car was nearly crumpled forcing 495 into one lane. Sorry, I meant the Beltway, I sound so much like a DC Insider now! Other excellent Maryland driver moments.
- Two cars making a U-turn in one way traffic to try and go to an exit they had already passed.
- A car stranded in the middle of a ditch near an exit. No, not a small one. This car was sitting in the midst of this enormous hole in the ground. The kind in which you have to ask yourself what made this idiot think he could drive there?.
- Typical day to day drivers people changing over four lanes in a single bound, etc.
We eventually get to the parking lot and start our little brunch tailgate session. Music hopping all over the place people playing “Hail to the Redacted” literally every other song. No, I am using correctly here it would be song A, “Hail to the Redacted”, Song B, “Hail to the Redacted”, etc. This goes on until the gates start to open.
From 1-2, The #Upforwhatever Party Tent opened up with “Happy hour prices” which means $6 beers. Here I ran into a Redacted fan I can only think was a bit mentally slow. He spent an hour walking around the bar talking at people. There was no actual attempt to have a conversation just speaking in statements.
- “Man it cold there.” (The bar had the Vikings/Seahawks game on)
- “That’s what they call the frozen tundra… that’s the frozen tundra right there.”
- “It’s a good day for football; football will be played today!”
A couple of drinks in and we get the Redacted fan quote of the day.
“They want to change the name because they think is derogatory, but rap music is derogatory, and you don’t see people asking for all rap music to be banned.”
I hear this statement and feel “Hey asshole I am trying to cheer for your team, but you are not helping this situation.”
2:00 pm
Women of Washington pre-game party opens up. My girlfriend is a member, and I stand in line with her while she wonders if they will let her in because she is wearing her Packers gear.
“Oh, you and a guest? Well you do seem to be wearing the wrong colors for today,” says the woman checking names in a playful tone. I point out to her that the Women of Washington Redacted fans are handing out green wristbands to their pre game party.
This is not a bad deal. It is free to sign up, and the women and their guests get two free drinks, and there is an all you can eat BBQ buffet and complimentary nonalcoholic beverages. You get to fill up on free food and drinks for a while saving yourself from spending $6 for hot dogs, $10 for a fountain drink, $12 for a kalua and hot chocolate, or 8-14 for beer. You also get to hang out and watch folks make a fool of themselves while interacting with the cheerleaders. One creep stood two feet away from them filming them while they danced to a song the DJ played. I also got to shake hands with Otis Wonsley. He is a nice guy from Meridian Ms, who played for Alcorn. (BTW, you have not lived until you have watched an Alcorn St vs. Jackson St football game). I’ll save you the Google he was a fullback with 151 career rushing yards in the NFL. But he laid a good block on a run during the Super Bowl, so everyone was kissing his ring.
4:00 pm
Making our way to the seats; not bad we had some club level seats we got for a damn steal considering standing room only was $150. This is naturally funny considering the stadium has had thousands of seats tarped off. Both Club level decks above the scoreboards on either end zone are covered in black with huge Fanduel advertisements. You know the same Fanduel site that is in a strategic alliance with Dan Snyder, oh and the same Fanduel site the Redacted’s own Pierre Garcon filed a class action lawsuit against on behalf of every NFL player for using their names and likeness in for promotion and profit.
We make it to our seats in time for the announcement of the code of conduct for fans. I sit and ponder how many other people find it ironic that at the “[*Redacted] s” game I am asked to refrain from yelling any profane or derogatory comments with the threat of being kicked out.
I honestly cannot tell if the Redacted fans are yelling “USA” or “You Like That.” The game itself was pretty exciting. Packers are sucking for the first quarter, and Kirk Cousins is looking competent. About this time, I notice two things about being at an NFL game.
- These “die hard” Redacted fans love to sing “Hail to the Redacted” not the actual song but those words. However most of the fans don’t know the lyrics and instead the stadium sounds like John Candy trying to sing “Born in the USA.”
- I prefer listening to whoever was announcing the game over sitting next to “fans.” All announcers suck to people who understand football they sound condescending and talk to us like we have no idea what is going on in the game, however, the average fan and the average person going to a football game are the people who need the announcers to spell out everything for them. I wish I had Joe Buck explaining to the fans why Deshaun Jackson didn’t score a touchdown (the ball didn’t cross the end-zone). I had to listen to drunk idiots yelling at the refs inferring they were in cahoots with the Packers on obvious calls.
Towards the end of the Second Quarter, the Packers challenged a pretty obvious call, and the fans were wondering why they even bothered to do that. The Redacted had just marched down the field and had the Packers defense on their heels, so calling a challenge was the Packers calling a time out, but to going through the review process gave the defense more time to catch their breath collect themselves than simply calling a time out.
I want to reiterate I am trying to find a reason for me, a Bears fan, to cheer for the Redacted. This task should be easy, I intensely dislike the Packers, and ye the fans here will come up short here much like they will in the second half.
The turning point came after the halftime when the Redacted got into the end zone for the last time. Three assholes decided this was the best time to get into my girlfriends face. My girlfriend was not annoying she spent most of the game just cheering for Green Bay when they did something good. Not rubbing it into anyone’s face and yet these cowards waited until she was alone while I went to get some refreshments to yell at her.
Screw you, for scaring her and worse of all screw you for making this Bears fan cheer for the Packers. The best part of the night for me was watching all these “die hard” fans give up on their team. The Redacted were playing a hell of a game and the fan base just up left. The Redacted went and started driving the ball down the field, and the fans were gone. There was no one cheering except for the Packers fans, and it was apparent that it took the wind out of the Redacted players. This team deserves a better owner and deserves a better fan base.
It was at this point I started rooting for the Redacted. I wanted them to score a touchdown just to rub it into all those “die hard” fans who left with five mins left in the game. After the game the PA wanted to thank “the best fans in the NFL.” I found this odd because all the Redacted fans had already left so were they thanking the Green Bay fans for staying?
We ended the night spending the next hour trying to get out of the parking lot. The masochist fans we were watching the game with turned on the local sports newscasters. What I learned from them was they were drinking just as much kool-aid as anyone. They think they will be able to resign both Garcon and Jackson and that Kirk Cousins will stay because he knows he belongs here. Som rational fans called in saying the Defense needed better conditioning because they were just steam-rolled midway through the 2nd quarter.
I hope they trade RGIII, and then the Houston Not Cowboys drive a dump truck full cash to Kirk Cousins doorstep either forcing the [*Redacted] s to use the Franchise tag and pay him $20 million for a year or be left without a QB. After this, season Cousins would be an idiot not to see what the free agency market would bring him.
http://56.media.tumblr.com/e6b94bef7175e93bbc38edb3b2267ec6/tumblr_ntca2d4idb1qfw6wio1_1280.jpg
Magic disappearing thread?
Stop screwing with me WCS. You know I’m unstable.
Mike Reiss is just the worst kind of scrotum-licking sycophant:
http://espn.go.com/blog/nflnation/post/_/id/196305/yes-please-peyton-manning-vs-tom-brady
About the traffic : Because DC is the seat of National government, you get a lot of people moving there from all over the country.
Some of those people move there from the NE states, and scoff at the idea that snow is something to be driven carefully though. You get a lot more black ice in DC because of the weather hovering around the freezing mark all winter long, but I DROVE THROUGH 60 INCHES OF SNOW GODDDAMN IT, IMMA SWERVE AROUND THESE PEOPLE.
Others of these people come from the South, where 1/4 inch of snow shuts down the roads and people tend to be fairly laid back and slow. When they first move to the DMV these people are TERRIFIED and can’t merge onto a highway to save their lives. Eventually, this wears off and they adopt the same attitude as the group above, but without any actual experience driving in inclement weather.
Yet more people move here from the West. Some come from California, and I dare say they are the best adapted, since they’re used to sitting in traffic. Others are from the wide open, sparsely populated plains. These are the ones I suspect are most prone to driving on the shoulder/cutting across medians.
The last, yet not least annoying group? DIPLOMATS.
Add in the fact that only locals know how the street system works (It’s really not that hard, it’s an alphabetic grid, but there’s a different one in each quarter, NE, SE, NW, SW. The streets that are the axis for the grid are all named Capitol, N. Capitol, E. Capitol, etc. The streets named after states do their own thing, but let you cut diagonally across the grid, generally in useful ways. And what the fuck is so hard about traffic circles?!) and the fact that all the roads immediately on the Virginia side are spaghetti and you get some messed up driving. Luckily, when most people get lost they end up in the Pentagon parking lot and the heavily armed guards will be happy to give you directions.
I learned how to drive in this stuff, so I’m pretty comfortable driving anywhere in the country. It’s fun and relaxing even! I also learned how to rig my windshield wipers to spray any car I thought was tailgaiting too much, and I can go to and come back from Crystal City on purpose if I want to. The trick is to cut through Dulles Airport.
Also, while the Metro was fine years ago, it’s shit now. It’s the only public transit system around that doesn’t get state subsidies. Since it runs through MD, DC and VA no one can agree on who should pay for it. It hasn’t been properly maintained in decades, which is why there were those crashes and why you can’t ride more than 3 stops without a delay nowadays. There are completed silver line stations that are falling apart already and they haven’t even been opened yet.
That’s a shame considering the relative new-ness of the system as a whole. It’s one thing to see an ancient Howard branch Red Line station in Chicago falling apart, but at least our similarly-aged stations don’t look like shit.
The stations are actually far cleaner and more aesthetic than anything in the CTA system, and the original stations are in fine shape. It’s the track and the trains which haven’t been maintained, and the new construction hasn’t been funded or run well. And honestly, the CTA gets plenty of public funding and they do fuck all with it.
Well, except for the escalators. Those are almost always under repair.
The CTA has still been better maintaining most lines. The Green, Brown, and the Dan Ryan Red line have all been redone in the last 25 years. Oddly, it’s the most used that have the worst looking stations.
Yes, and they do all that with large amounts of public funding and an army of sinecure workers. It’s not better managed than WMATA, and considering they have all that and still have to cut bus lines, don’t have decent security in the stations, bus dispatch issues, and Ventra, I would conclude its management is far less competent. So when you say “at least our similarly-aged stations don’t look like shit” what you’re really saying is, “at least my local politicians are willing to pay through the nose to make it appear that they provide a service to the public so everyone will ignore how corrupt they are.”
WMATA is no role model, but the CTA is no better, just stupid in a different way. I’ve taken both over long stretches of time, and while the CTA is cheaper and goes more places, WMATA is more pleasant to ride and has better designed stations. I prefer the bus in Chicago, prefer the train in DC.
I hate Ventra too.
http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view8/4873893/diplomatic-immunity-o.gif
I took that wrong turn into the Pentagon – the heavily armed guards were very nice about it!
This is Fozz, reporting in from Disneyland, there are a lot of fat people here. Also, I hate my kids.
Fozz out.
Captain Obvious is obvious.
Got any more hot tips for us?
http://www.clickypix.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/painfully-obvious-signs-16.jpg
Sometimes women change their minds
This might be of some help with the kids:
http://www.visualnews.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/Obvious-Plant-51.jpg
Is it true that even the “special needs” express lines are just as bad as the regular line and is essentially full of really rich kids who suffer from affluenza? i’ve heard. . . stories about that.
Ahh… Disneyland. It’s just like Wrigleyville only less baseball, more children, too little booze, and the exact same amount of public vomiting.
Bye-bye Glenn Frey!
http://dudespaper.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/dudehatestheeagles.jpg
RIP.
The heat is…off.
Dear God I forgot how insanely unfunny “Canadian Bacon” was.
At least it’s tasty stuff, though.
Granted, I haven’t seen it in like 20 years, but, it wasn’t that bad, damnit!
If anything, it became very prophetic as the US found their invisible enemy
His last couple were pretty awful so I’ve tried to block them out. Same deal with Almost Heroes and Beverly Hills Ninja.
In yet another installment of “Sentences I Never Thought I’d Write,” here’s a cover of Bowie’s Life On Mars by Barbra Streisand:
https://youtu.be/A-lY952YrEw
Name five teams more redacted than [Redacted]. You can’t.
People dont like the Cleveland Indians mascot, but I’m not sure that counts…
You’re just, like, jealous and stuff.
’91 [*Redacted] s > ’85 Bears bruh!
That stings. I actually wore #76 throughout my career because of Steve McMichael. He was from UT and on the Bears. His sister was a substitute teacher at my high school and after I told her about my jersey number he sent her a letter and autograph to give to me.
I grew up on the story that in the team meetings before the Super Bowl Buddy Ryan told the defense he was leaving and an enraged McMichael picked up a folding chair and threw it across the room where it impaled the writing board.
IDK he and Dan Hampton were just rock stars to me growing up. They wanted nothing to do with the Shuffle and were a couple of beasts.
NY VALUES
I know it’s a double from another post, but I just love it.
Now that there is no threat of a television blackout, why do teams still tarp off any seats? You really think you’re fooling anyone during the regular season with these numbers games? No one gives a shit and you cost yourself the ability to sell those seats in the post season.
Hell, I’m surprised Crazy J hasn’t announced “Just Outside the Stadium” seating where you can stand in the parking lot of AT&T during any home game for $60. It’s not like the game won’t be broadcast because the blacktop fans don’t show.
It’s not that crazy. Had the Cowboys made it to the Dallas SB, Jerrah would have definitely considered selling a “Deluxe Tailgate Package” which allowed fans to watch the game on tv from the comfort of the Jerryworld parking facility.
The company pays more money in ad space than your projections say you’d get in seat revenue. Simple as that.
Not 100% but close. Removing the seats also increase the value of the seats remaining. So there is a lower opportunity cost.
I remember Otis Wonsley!
Really nice man, his face lit up like crazy when I said a friend from Meridian MS would kill me if I didn’t get his autograph. He was a fullback when they were really just extra blocking dummies and he played his role well.
I remember because when I was a really little kid in Harrisonburg, VA during the Dark Ages Slurs game were all I ever really got to see. Plus he had a cool name.
I can’t fucking stand the idiots who start shit with opposing fans during games, to the point that I have even followed security to defend an opposing fan who was being harassed endlessly and finally had enough, only to have security pull them and not the instigators.
I have no problem calling out other assholes, because I am an even bigger asshole. A polite one though.
Security though occasionally unqualified homer cocksuckers themselves, are in a tough spot though. What’s easier, plucking your glasses out of the toilet, or trying to clean the turds out first?
Different league and different seating availability, but, does the security ever offer the visiting fans another seat in a different section if they aren’t shit disturbers? Seems like a win-win
I know it can be a touchy subject, but the professional sports love affair with the US military is what the wrestling world calls “cheap pops”. It’s frustrating to hear about these poor suckers fighting for “our freedom.”
You know, if there was a true threat to our shores, I fully believe the US armed forced would fight their asses off for their country. But they haven’t been fighting for “our” freedom in decades, they’ve been fighting for the freedom of a whole lot of countries in the Middle East, Asia, etc that most US jingoists will shit on in a heartbeat. There’s true nobility in what our troops do for the innocents in these war-ravaged countries, but it sickens me how the true instigators in Washington and Wall Street wrap themselves in the flag, claim that the fight is for American freedom & not their own edification, and shout down the true peacemakers while they profit from our troops’ willingness to charge into death for relative peanuts. Ugh.
/hops off soapbox
//eats another cookie
It’s all marketing unfortunately. They are being praised (rightfully so) for what they do, but for all the wrong reasons. The military sees it as marketing itself to the average football fan who they see as ‘Murica first! types and get them to sign up. While the NFL gets to go “Hey! Look at all this cool stuff we do for vets! We’re awesome!” while raking in even more money from Budweiser to sponsor these salutes/activities.
Maybe I’m being overly cynical but that’s how I see it.
“When fascism comes to America, it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying a cross.”
— not P. Carroll
This times a million. So true.
All the headaches you describe about the game day experience are completely on fleek — especially how negative the crowd/energy gets once the visitors have put the game out of reach (in Cleveland, I understand, this moment is called “The National Anthem”). People are rotten, stupid, and are generally weirdos.
Also, I heard John McCain on the local drive time sports talk show about a week ago and he was all bragging about how Congress or whoever had stepped in to put a stop to that Pay For Patriotism scandal. Naturally, the follow up questions was not, “You fucking morons give the military all this money, shouldn’t paying billion dollar sports teams to wave the flag already be noted as an inappropriate use of funds?” Then I remembered that John McCain is a rotten human being and we’d all be better off if he’d died taking all those bamboo rapings in ‘Nam. Seriously, fuck John McCain. Individuals like him are the reason I do not stand for the National Anthem.
This write-up is 1000% accurate regardless of stadium or affiliation. Tailgating is the only worthwhile part of any NFL game, and even then only if you have access to a grill. I hate NFL fans when they all get together and somehow think that being in some sort of loosely organized pack of xenophobes justifies a hostile mob mentality. Of course, I could probably say the same thing about high school girls and Republicans.
I quote Men in Black:
“A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky dangerous animals and you know it.”
A fan waited until she was alone to get in her face and yell “You know where your at now,”
(I know it should be “you’re” but I figured the person yelling would have spelled it your)
“You no were your at now!”
Good lord. I thought Masshole drivers were bad.
Also fuck every “fan” that verbally abuses others in opposing team colors (without provocation).
Oh Maryland drivers act like you would if you were playing a racing video games… Curbs? lets jump it. One way street? That’s just french for short cut.
Oh and god forbid they’re in a truck or worse, a Hummer.
Never seen it anywhere else but Phoenix drivers fucking LIVE in the gore zone. They will, no shit, have their blinker on as they approach an exit ramp, have space to merge, yet still wait until they’re nearly playing chicken with a concrete wall to jerk themselves over to the exit lane.
Of course, they will also be completely unpredictable and just shoot across because they’re old and old people have no fucking idea what the hell is going on ever.
DC is the worst place to drive in the whole damn country (I’ve been to Moscow and Shanghai, it’s not the worst in the world).
I truly believe that DC is fucked up on purpose so as to keep visitors off-balance.
If you show up to DC from just about anywhere else there is nothing about the traffic patterns that makes any goddamn sense at all. The most nerve-wracking part of your day is your fucking commute. Then you have to sit down with a bunch of relaxed DC insiders who are smart enough to take the Metro and try to make policy? They’re going to get the best of you every time because all you can think about is making it home alive and how much better things are in Helena.
And that’s why DC rules the world.
Anyone who doesn’t use the DC Metro for their transportation deserves every frayed nerve they get.
Obviously it doesn’t have the size to compare, but driving Orlando is a fucking nightmare. There are a couple million people on the road at any given time and 90% of them are tourists that have no clue where they’re going.
I’ve heard from a source or two that drivers in the Metroplex are godawful and unpredictable to boot.
Excellent writeup!
It’s funny to me that they still couldn’t sell out the entire arena for a MF playoff game. Snyder deserves all the hate he gets.
I too hope Cousins gets a gigantic offer somewhere and either bankrupts the Redacteds or leaves them without a QB.
Bankrupt is so much better.
I really do like the team. I like the players I really do not like the fans or the owners.
Yeah, I hope Snyder gives Cousins ALL TEH MONEY then it turns out he sucks. Cousins too.
Both shots are from my seats and I will point out that I probably spent more time watching the game on the large screens than the field.
For those wondering the colorful fed ex banner and the black Fanduel banners are all the tarped off seats at the stadium.
That hour in the parking lot really seals the deal… the deal being that I’ll just stay at home and watch a vast majority of the time.
That’s why I’m pleased all of Chicago’s stadiums are within the city and not too far from non-automobile transit options. I can simply walk to the point where the crowd disperses and jump onto a bus or train to get home.
Yeah, mass transit is a huge plus in all of that (provided they have their shit together). I don’t want to drive to a stadium if I can transit there.
It is a huge knock on FedEx field and Jerry’s world, you absolutely cannot get in or out of either place in a timely manner.
Foxboro is like that. They run a “special events” train down there, but its ridiculously overcrowded and they run 1 to/from Boston and 1 to/from Providence. Also they leave 30 min after the game. If you miss it you’re fucked.
And this is why after 4 or 5 games L.A. fans will wonder why the fuck they wanted to go to a live NFL game ever again. Every single game will be an ungodly clusterfuck of drunk assholes all trying to cram twenty thousand cars into one lane simultaneously starting at the midway point of the 3rd quarter.
The LA TNF game will kick off to about an 1/8 full arena.
“Also, these trains allow negro characters.”
-MA Voters