Your “OY! WHO’S UP FOR A HATE-WATCH, THEN?” AFC Championship Open Thread

Why must I be a football fan? It’s not a particularly pleasant hobby to have during this run of Pats dominance. I think this is their fifth straight appearance in this game. OOF! That’s tough to swallow. It’s not hard to envision myself in a simpler time. I can see it now. [screen goes all wavy wavy] Me and my buddies are just back from the hunt, having brought down a noble stag. There’s plenty of mead to be quaffed as we warm our balls by the large fire. It’s damn cold but there are smiles all round.

Soon talk centers on the threat from the East. The land- and power-hungry Quinnzealots have won a number of skirmishes with our neighbouring tribes and will be soon threatening our (The Allthatisgoodnauts) borders. Word has reached us that they are led by a charismatic warrior, Large Teeth. Some say that his successes are due to a shadowy black-robed druid that possesses uncanny powers that cloud the minds of those who oppose him. During battle one does not know where the Quinnzealots will attack from-when they come for you it could be from the left, perhaps the right, sometimes from the trees above, all without warning. Their small yet rabid foot soldiers buzz around one’s ankles so quickly that it is difficult to hit them with your sword. T’will be a difficult task to defeat them-that much is certain.

Well that’s just great. THE PATS DOMINATE MY ALTERNATE HISTORIES AS WELL. On to the game, I guess. The venerable Hippo could break this game down much better than I could so I’ll just toss some nougats (not nuggets!) out there. The Gronk has 6 TD’s in as many games against Denver but it’s something of a boom/bust thing. Three TD’s came in one tilt and he’s been held to as little as 35 yards in another. Brady is 2-6 in Denver over his career which bodes well for the Orange Horsies. Denver led the league with 52 sacks but in order to be successful they must get pressure from the middle of the line and not the edge because Brady lets go of the ball in just over two seconds on those quick hitters to the Amendolas and Edelmans of the receiving corps. Hochuli is the ref and we are blessed with Jim “Prominent Masters apologist and serial philanderer” Nance and Phil “safe to say Morehouse State didn’t have an Elocution elective” Seems. THERE IS GLORY IN TYPING…SO TYPE!!!

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The Maestro

Man, fuck right off with this bullshit.

Smithchez

DONKDOWN!!!!!

fleshwound_NPG

NECKROIDSDOWN

Doktor Zymm

Yay horsies!

American Pie Story

TD DONKS

theeWeeBabySeamus

This game would be way better with a fuckton of snow.
But then again, when isn’t that true?

Kungjitsu

You gotta account for Peyton Manning’s mobility.

King Hippo

PeyPey ROLLOUT!!!

Wakezilla

You see that penalty Gary Bettmen? Tell your shit stain refs the most popular league in North America still calls shit in championship games, you hipster looking goat gucker.

ballsofsteelandfury

Love this. For so many reasons.

American Pie Story

Somehow goat gucker sounds more appropriate.

Spur

Peyton’s passes look like punts.

hippofant

So CBS, you’re telling me that the Patriots have 10 people on defense?

Smithchez

Bullshit flag bailing out a bad 3rd down play? They pulled a Patriots!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Ladies and gentlemen…I give you BEERGH.

fleshwound_NPG

BAILOUT FRAG…AGAINST NEW ENGLAND?

Brave New World.

American Pie Story

Haw haw NE PI

King Hippo

womp womp motherfucker

WCS

HAIL BLEERGH

Kungjitsu

Can both these teams lose?

Spur

ARZ/CAR Superbowl would be cool.

King Hippo

functionally, it is

Smithchez

The Chan Gailey “Run only up the middle” strategy.

Peypey looks like he’s going to breadown by the 4th quarter.

The Maestro

BAH GAWD THAT MAN HAS A FAMILY

blackroseMD1

The fact that no network has hired Jim Ross to call football games is sad. He’d be much more entertaining than Pheel.

blackroseMD1

I think Ronnie Hillman is dead guys.

hippofant

Nice trade for Vernon Davis, Broncos.

King Hippo

1-of-3-will-do-just-fine!

/not really

Smithchez

Lofted too high to the wrong shoulder. Just how they drew it up.

Doktor Zymm

Oh crap, don’t get your receivers killed Peyton.

fleshwound_NPG

GUMPTIONFIRST

Spur

Mannings favorite pass play this year: Throwing it to the ground.

ThursdaySkyGoddess

Broncos season leading receiver.

jjfozz

Guile and Gumption sounds like a new hipster restaurant in Brooklyn.

litre_cola

Menus on old cereal boxes.

American Pie Story

Did PHEEL say “out-hump” you?

Doktor Zymm

Gumption. Yep, you heard the man. That’s how PeyPey wins games. Gumption.

litre_cola

That wasn’t an optimum throw.

jjfozz

“Thanks for attending the Dr. Pepper marketing campaign, before we begin, let’s all take a giant hit of LSD.”

blackroseMD1

I need to be in that focus group.

fleshwound_NPG

Rooting for the not-Greatriots and the less-insufferable fan base.

Also rooting for all this hype ending in no TD passes by either.

Brick Meathook

LOOK AT THAT BOEING 737-800

King Hippo

Good series, Wade. Damned good.

The Maestro

Great opening drive, you fucking shitiots.

Spur

Are all Boston fans snowed it? Honest question.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hard ballz iz hard.

jjfozz

By god, I hate Julian Edelman worse than politicians, cancer, and the IRS.

Wakezilla

But still not as bad as HR

Doktor Zymm

Hah! No first drive TD for you this time!

ballsofsteelandfury

Suck-My-Dick!

Smithchez

It’s not a Patriot game if the receivers aren’t constantly begging for flags.

WCS

IT’S NAAAWWWTTT FFAAAAHHHHHH

Sill Bimmons

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Smithchez

“I’m going back to Brazila-Romani-Slovakia…..stan.”

Spur

Nantz is fired the fuck up, it’s like it’s 2 minutes left in the fourth. He needs to pace himself or he won’t have the energy to suck-off Manning’s first series.

King Hippo

goddamnit

Shogun Marcus

Jebus bless Sony televisions for their football mode. Makes pheel and jeem nearly disappear!

Spur

Link please. What is magical device you speak of?

Shogun Marcus

It’s on my bravia tv. Special button on the remote.

Smithchez

I’ve never agreed with Danny Kanell on anything, but it would be kind of hilarious to watch Tom Brady just get destroyed 5 seconds after the whistle.

ballsofsteelandfury

Right? I mean, come on!

Redshirt

How did THAT honor America?

WCS

I’m sure Andy Grammar thinks Ted Cruz has some great ideas.