They’ll start handing out the awards in an hour or so, and I still have a personal Best Picture to anoint. But before I do, let’s take a moment to remember that Straight Outta Compton was not nominated, and neither was Beasts of No Nation, and neither was The Danish Girl, and neither was Carol. Beasts of No Nation‘s Cary Fukunaga was not nominated for Best Director, or for Best Adapted Screenplay. Creed‘s Ryan Coogler was not nominated for Best Director. Carol‘s Todd Haynes was not nominated for Best Director. Tangerine was not nominated for anything.
The actual contenders, if you need a refresher, are:
Tooth-grindingly infuriating educomedy The Big Short
Highly competent historical drama Bridge of Spies
Homesickness simulator Brooklyn
Impeccably crafted excuse for reviewers to say “two-hour car chase” Mad Max: Fury Road
Ensemble nerd orgy The Martian
Torture porn/scenery porn/filmmaking porn/bear porn The Revenant
Shed escapeproofing tutorial Room
Boston Globe highlight reel Spotlight
And the Academy Award for Best Picture goes to…
Will Win/Should Win: Carol. You probably all saw this coming, as I’ve made no secret of the fact that I think Carol’s a first-rate work of art…
Carol‘s Not Nominated: Go fuck yourself.
No, I’m Serious, Pick A Real Nominee: God dammit. You’re the worst. Fine.
Will Win: Spotlight. I’m having a hard time with the idea of the Academy voters giving this prize to The Revenant, a beautiful and powerful movie that (EDIT: I can’t remember how I was going to complete this thought. Spotlight was good though!)
Should Win: Mad Max: Fury Road. This wasn’t an easy choice; in the last few days I’ve been going back and forth between this, Spotlight, and The Big Short. But in the end, I think we’ll all still be talking about Mad Max long after all the admittedly excellent films also nominated for Best Picture have passed entirely out of our cultural consciousness.
Upset Special: Room would be a big surprise here, but I can’t completely rule it out the way I can Brooklyn and Bridge of Spies.
So that’s that, then. I’ll leave links at the bottom to all my previous posts in case anyone wants to look back at them. Enjoy the show!
Costumes/Makeup & Hair | Sound Editing/Sound Mixing/Visual Effects | Film Editing/Production Design | Original Song/Original Score | Best Actor/Best Supporting Actor | Adapted Screenplay/Original Screenplay | Best Actress/Best Supporting Actress | Short Films | Documentary Feature/Animated Picture | Cinematography/Director | Foreign Language Film
The ladyfriend is asserting that the Indiana Jones theme sounded like Hail to the Chief. Wat.
Kinda?
I just saw Son of Saul today. Horrifying and amazing.
Wow. The film about the Holocaust won the category.
If they ever make a movie about a concentration camp survivor with Down’s syndrome who discovers he’s really a woman it will win every single Oscar.
I hope it wins more than 21 awards
Jesus Christ.
So to speak.
These Oscars are making me Hungary
http://www.szeretlekmagyarorszag.hu/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/gundel2.jpg
I hate the fact that Sofia Vergara has been in this country for decades and still can’t speak English correctly.
I’m Mexican, so it’s OK.
Schwarzenegger, too.
But let’s be honest. There are millions of people born here who can’t speak English for shit.
Or spell it. Or read it.
Wut?
She has a fantastic rack, so she gets a pass.
Sofia Vergara is an international star like I’m a sex symbol.
Not making any jokes about the kids. They don’t deserve it. You get one shot at being a kid, but infinite times being an adult.
Last time black people gave this much of a shit about an Oscar, Gordon from Sesame Street was filing was filing a racial harassment claim against a cast member.
The Asian lady is the same height as the black boy.
This really is some of the finest Christian feline film criticism on YouTube today:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MW5SrJWC4DI
Short film categories hate me tonight.
I laughed so hard it just scared this poor guide dog across from me.
chrisrock: New Academy director of diversity outreach #oscars
I believe that tux’s official color is White Guilt
You forgot Scalia
He did a stupendous job for 30 years pretending to be a Catholic while living like a fucking … animal.
I want them to put a picture of Clint Eastwood up last and then have Chris Rock come out and say “Oh, by the way…”
Apparently no black people died this year either.
Black Lives No-Chatter
When does Kurt Cobain come out and sing a Rolling Stones song?
Next year’s Grammys.
Once Courtney takes the gun off his forehead
Saaed Jeffrey, whose name I’m sure I just butchered, was great in one of the best movies of all time “The Man Who Would Be King”
I like his brother Haappy better
Fun Arabic Fact: one interpretation of “Sayeed” is “happy.”
(Another spelling, sounding similar, is “Mister.” So you can have a guy named Sa’eed Sayeed, and he is literally “Mister Happy.”)
Who invited Von Miller?
The Panthers
God damn that’s dark.
http://www.sportspickle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/e9a70d8cdc9ac369921e61ea5551ae6f-150×150.png
He’s improved since being on SNL.
Unlike the Oscars!
$65,243 for girl scout cookies? They could have raised that much or more at Woody Harrelson and Matt McConaughey’s weekly poker game.
Thin Mints are the blackest thing on that stage besides Chris Rock
Kerry Washington was the tastiest.
I’ve been watching ten minutes.
What the fuck happened to Chris Rock. He is goddamn painful to watch.
He was really strong earlier. Maybe they only wrote him ten minutes worth of material.
The cuts have been weird, too.
Probably something like “You get ten minutes. They you have to read everything Bruce Villanch shits out.”
THAT was funny.
I will tweet about it on my phone that was made by those kids.
In a business class last semester there was an assignment where you had to take 5 people from the planet in a spaceship before being destroyed and it was a list of all sorts of races and ages.
There was a 13 year old Asian boy, and I picked him. When the prof asked why I said, “He probably knows how to make an iPhone and iPad”.
I got the “wants to laugh but feels ashamed” look from everyone. It made my week.
That was brilliant.
It’s like the Bill Burr joke about adopting a former child soldier because you skip the annoying years of diaper-shitting and get someone who’s got your back during TEOTWAWKI.
Louis CK has been the highlight so far
“This Oscar is going home in a Honda Civic”
Now THAT was fucking funny.
Sad but probably true.
George Michael played a more believable straight in early-1980s Wham! videos than Rooney Mara played a believable lesbian in Carol
http://www.feelnumb.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/george_michael_andrew_ridgley_wham_gay_photos.jpg
And still nobody knew.
The 1980s: A Simpler Time
“Hey George, what haircut do you want today?”
“The Jamie Lee Curtis. Andrew will have it too.”
The testosterone flowing out of those pictures is aMAZing
Gods of Egypt:
Average Rating: 3.4/10
Reviews Counted: 82
Fresh: 10
Rotten: 72
Meritorious achievement.
Wow, 10 fresh reviews?
WCS Spank material: Zero
Fuck that thing with a freshly-forged pitchfork.
Two of the Mad Max wives are in it: Abbey Lee and Courtney Eaton.
Abbey Lee is the tall one. The other one in this photo is Riley Keough, AKA Elvis’s granddaughter.
Courtney Eaton in Mad Max.
http://www.mrwickedproductions.com/wickquoting/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/mad-max-fury-road-courtney-eaton.jpg
I turned on the Oscars, saw Kevin Hart and turned off the Oscars.
And how are you all doing?
http://static.celebuzz.com/uploads/2013/07/24/shots-9.gif
Reply fail.
I’m pouring shots, who’s with me?
I SAID WHO’S WITH ME!
SHOTTSSZZZ!!!
http://i.imgur.com/LCs53iI.gif
Is it over yet?
“I don’t know how they separated us from all the other supporting actors working.”
Mark, the other ones were black.
Not that I mind, but why does Patricia get to present EVERY year? Has she been remotely relevant any time recently?
Boyhood
Oh yeah.
/forehead smack
//actually saw it too
///goes to show, lifetimes to make, moment to forget
She still pretty doe.
http://insiderlouisville.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/boyhood-ellar-coltrane-patricia-arquette.jpg
Oscars are white
Chris Rock works blue
So much hot meat
Buddy needs the loo
http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/736x/0e/a5/f8/0ea5f81bdf7ba05b1c4d28afebf5ac25.jpg
Oh, Portland.
rylance pls
YUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Patricia Arquette is SO PISSED that Kate Winslet beat her to the glasses.
Having not seen any of these movies, I think that the artwork conveys the plots immaculately.
I hear Harvey Weinstein will be getting a Lifetime Achievement Award in the form of a face cream that smells like Jennifer Lawrence’s asshole.
Funny. Hers is a paste that tastes like his penis.
The pizza is officially 15 minutes late. WTF?!?!?
BURN IT ALL DOWN
It’s 30 minutes now. Apparently, getting a pizza in LA during the Oscars is as difficult as getting a pizza in the rest of America during the Super Bowl.
bosaf learning the peril of not planning ahead.
Complain on Twitter. It’s The American Way™
The best Oscar song performance is still this.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BppBRCv1Bkg
still mad
Pregnant
Monster
Broccoli
Little Asian woman handing out the Oscar to make the white man feel taller? NOT RACIST AT ALL!
“Why thank you, me seek this award long time”
Oh, nothing.
Just a giant pile of fried potato nuggets and cheese.
http://images1.dallasobserver.com/imager/u/original/7027158/tots.jpg
NUGGETS WOO
WANT
Throw some fucking green chile on that shit.
Hertzfeld got fucked in the ass on that one…
Goddamn right. His anus is bleeding.
He did not prepare…
http://www.drunktiki.com/wp-content/plugins/imageExtractor/thumb/400×220-prepare-your-diddly-hole-500×375.png
Bear Story? GET FUCKED.
“Why yes, that was part of the deal.” -Leo
Is Chris Rock seriously selling Girl Scout cookies?
Why bother selling anything but Samoas anyway?
I love his new standup bit “Niggas vs. Do-si-dos”
Just me or are the ads a wee bit better than that one night where they spend all the money for them? Roger Goodell is a goddamn disgrace.
Someone pointing out yet another of Goodell’s incompetent acts on a Sunday open thread. It’s like football season never ended.
Just keeping the home fires burning. Our long nightmare is nearly (1/6) over.
I’m still too shocked to get mad about Visual Effects. I will get extremely mad online about Animated Short though.
When I was a kid in conurban Appalachia we played “Real War.”
Real War was played with BB guns, Roman candles and firecracker hand grenades. BB guns could only be shot on one pump, no pellets. If it was adjudicated that you were shooting on more than one pump the person you shot was allowed to shoot you in the ass from 10 feet on five pumps. This did happen.
We all wore big military surplus raincoats which prevented most serious injuries. That no eyes or fingers were lost remains a miracle that sometimes makes me doubt my atheism.
Lots of burns, though. Lots and lots of burns.
Well, Buddy can shoot in the ass from 3 inches on 5 five pumps.
A. Ron Rogers of Wisconsin is intrigued.
Oh please, Buddy’s left more semen in Madison than JJ Watt on a k-hole!
Banner quote? Banner quote.
I have found my new favorite browser: Vivaldi.
Sorry Chrome, I have to cut you loose.
There’s a browser named Vivaldi and nobody’s told me?
I just looked it up. Looks promising.
I went through my monthly phase of “Well Chrome’s annoying me, so let’s see the alternatives”, but I usually am annoyed by the alternatives more.
This one actually seems pretty awesome. I deleted Chrome already.
Um, it’s 8/29, not 8/27
#nerdalert