Hiring in the Millinneal era: A Discourse.

As someone who has been in management for fucking ever, one of the joys, no thrills of my job is the hiring process. Over the course of my mumblemumblegrumble years of being a manager I’ve hired and fired more folks than I can remember. The first person I ever had to fire was actually a close personal friend of mine and it really truly sucked balls to do. I once was recruited from a previous job and brought in to an account with about 25 employees. This account was a multi-million dollar a year account and had only been in operation for a few months but the folks trying to run it were fucking up to a gargantuan degree. The customer was about a week away from cancelling the contract with cause and walking the fuck away. Having tons of experience in troubleshooting and production management I was brought in with the intent of getting this motherfucker fully unfucked before the client left. Over the course of my first 3 weeks I fired 16 of the 25 employees. Not because I was an asshole, although I’m sure some may beg to differ, but because these people shouldn’t have been hired in the first fucking place. That customer still has a contract with us.

A bad hire is the worse thing a manager can do. It destroys the morale of the existing employees, it hurts production, it hurts the client and most of all that shit is expensive to fix. Although California is considered an “At Will” employment state good fucking luck getting rid of a bad employee. The employee rights of employees in California are so protected by the state now that it takes an act of congress, an act of God, Papal permission and a proper blowjob to fire someone here. The recruitment part is expensive, the new hire training, the background checks and drug screenings and wasted personnel time to conduct the interviews and the new hire paperwork; this shit costs real actual amounts of money to do. If you fuck up a hire then guess what? After the shit ton of documentation, blood, sweat  and tears to dismiss an employee you get to do the hiring shit all over again.

Goddammit.

This is my long winded way of saying I have been in the “sourcing” mode for the last two weeks to fill an open position at my location. The position has been a little cursed because we have had 7 or so employees worth of turnover while every other position here has been filled by the same employee for over 15 years. The employees who have moved on have all been solid employees with life events dictating their leaving. The last guy was a great employee. He worked hard, was a self starter and had an ability to solve problems before they became bigger problems. His wife (the family’s primary earner) was offered a higher paying job out of state and he did what was best for him and his family.

Asshole. Just kidding, I wish him nothing but the best. The problem now is finding the person with the right skill set, and more importantly the right chemistry to fit a well established highly functional team.

Did I mention that this position is considered “entry level?” This is important because it’s not the highest paying job out there but it is a GOOD job. The company benefits are excellent. The 401K matches 100% if you are having 3% withheld. The company is a major one, one I am certain everyone reading is more than familiar with and they consistently have one of the highest rated training programs in any industry. There is also plenty of opportunity to advance and I make sure my employees advance as far up the ladder as they could possibly want.

But if you live here in the L.A. area where the job is? Shit man, you ain’t gonna support a family on this one source of income. The last 2 people who held it had a second higher paying job. I get it. The pay is above average for industry standard but still. C’mon man.

There is a reason for the pay level you see. We perform contract work with contract length varying between 3-6 years. When the contract is signed between my company and the client, the monthly management fee is established and legally agreed upon. The fee factors in services as well as labor costs. If we have “X” number of employees then the labor pool is divided between everyone. Now a nice reasonable person (OR COMMUNIST!) might think everyone gets equal pay. What a joy-filled world of rainbows and bright shiny kitties this idea is. It’s also horseshit because MY salary is part of the labor pool. And guess what kiddies? Papa gets his cut first then the rest divide the balance.

I ain’t fucking stupid.

My next level of employees are also paid way over industry standard for their positions, leaving just a little for the entry level folks. It’s a fine salary if you live in Bismark or WICHITA! but this is L.A. babe! Shit’s tough.

This also means you are not getting Rhodes Scholars applying. It’s a fine line between having experience in the industry and also accepting a lower paying job. Things sure were a lot easier when the economy and job market were horrible!

On second thought, maybe I am a bit of an asshole.

Sorry about the diatribe. This brings us to the original idea for this post: Hiring in the Millennial Era.

After 3 weeks of recruiting, interviewing and decision making the only way I can properly phrase this is: The future is SOOOO fucked!

I received a decent number of applications for the position. After sorting through I was able to narrow it down to 15 acceptable resumes. Let me tell you about the sorting down though. One of the resumes was 7 pages in length. Kids? Don’t do this. Just don’t. This resume was basically a “Chronological Job History” resume going back about 5 years. The applicant needed the full 7 pages to cover the employment history. I think the longest length of employment at one location was 3 months. THIS IS BAD FORM! There are “Skill Set” resumes you know? As a hiring manager when you bounce between 16 employers over 5 years this does not show me a “real go getter who just wants to keep moving up, up up!” It shows me a fuckup who can’t keep a job longer than 2 fucking months. Resume filed away.

But wait! There was another 7 page resume! Hot damn! Just what anyone sorting through a big stack of resumes wants to read! Your magnum fucking opus! This fucking guy though. The first page of the resume – in all color mind you – featured a 3″ x 3″ picture of the applicant. WEE! He then proceeded to list his job history in chronological order but just take a guess at what he did to “gussy it up?” He inserted the fucking company logo of EVERY ONE OF HIS PREVIOUS JOBS ON THE FUCKING RESUME! Jesus Christ!

Resume laughed at hysterically and then filed away.

Finally I narrowed it down to 15 decent potential applicants. Here’s where it get’s really fun. I called the phone numbers for each one of the applicants to extend an opportunity for an interview. I left a detailed message with my name, company, phone number and let them know I would like to speak to them since I, you know, had their fucking resume in my hands for a job they were seeking out.

Guess how many of the 15 answered their phone prior to it going to voice mail? Guess?

One.

One fucking person of the 15 answered the fucking phone. I get the whole not answering because I don’t recognize the caller ID but fuck man! You have active resumes out there. Just maybe one of these is resulting in a phone call? But that ain’t the half of it. No sir! After leaving this detailed message with my name and company and phone number (I actually give the phone number twice so they only have to listen to the message once) any ideas how many returned my call? Anyone with a guess?

Five.

The other 10 NEVER RETURNED A CALL FOR A JOB THAT THEY SUBMITTED A RESUME FOR! What in the brain addled FUCK is wrong with you people!?!? I’ve been doing the hiring thing since the fucking 80’s and I am still at a goddamn loss. This was unexpected.

Alright, alright I’ve still got 5 applications, I can work with this. The first interview was a little young, very personable, seemed to like the work environment and she had almost zero experience. This isn’t that big of a deal because we train here and we train really well. She also disclosed without any prompting that she was a single mother living with her mom who was her babysitter. You see folks, this is not good interviewing technique right there. We aren’t allowed to ask about parentage, home life or anything like it but I also try hard not to take it into consideration. Still.

Interview number two was a full 30 minutes late for the interview. Resume filled away despite this being the most qualified of the applicants. If you can’t get your ass to an INTERVIEW on time what the fuck is your attendance going to be like if we hire you?

Interview number three just didn’t show. At all. Also they didn’t call to explain the absence or to apologize or try to reschedule. Just didn’t show.

Interview 4 happened just this morning – I actually started writing this post prior to this interview just because I was fucking floored by the experience – but wait a minute? It didn’t happen! She called in an hour and a half before the scheduled time and said she couldn’t leave work today and “I would like to reschedule it for tomorrow.” Not a question, a fucking statement. I hadn’t arrived yet but one of my morning crew took the message. I called her back and told her that I was booked solid for tomorrow and thanked her for your interest. Resume filled away.

Final interview was just a couple of hours ago from the writing of this sentence. He was qualified, hell we actually worked for the same company about 14 years ago but he was at a different location thus he was a little older than the rest of the applicants. He talked. A lot. Talked over me when I was speaking, He also made sure to know that he hopes “A republican doesn’t get elected.” He was also really wanting to get away from his current retail job because “Dealing with those fucking customers? I mean Jesus Christ!” These are actual quotes from the interview.

I called interview number one this afternoon and told her that we would like to consider her for employment. I’m certain she could use a break being a single mom and all.

I really hope I die before this entire shit house goes up in flames because it IS going to happen.