After the first full day of free agency, and what a whirlwind it was, fans of the Cleveland Browns sat back today to examine the stockpile of riches that the team brought forth during the early stages of free agency.
Following an offseason that saw the Browns front office put together a “dream team” of intelligent executives (from Harvard!) including Paul DePodesta a former baseball sabermetric genius and part of the front offices of the A’s, Indians, Dodgers and Mets, the front office wasted no time yesterday and, according to Pat MacManamon of ESPN “Cleveland Browns: On the first day of free agency, the Browns lost four starters, including two offensive linemen who did not miss a snap in 2015. They did not sign anyone. And they did not release quarterback Johnny Manziel, meaning he’s still on the roster. So … there’s that.”
Pro Bowl Center Alex Mack left town, Travis Benjamin left town, Mitchell Schwartz left town and Tashaun Gipson sprinted right the fuck out of Dodge leaving a vapor trail in his wake. In their place the Browns signed…
Fear not you poor downtrodden and frequently laughed at fans of the shitshow known as the Cleveland Browns, for as MacManamon said you still have:
Trust me we ARE laughing at you. Not with you.
Updates: 3-11-16
Johnny Manziel was given his unconditional release on 3-11-16. Early media reports suggested that the Cleveland Browns received nothing in return for Manziel’s release but after fumigating and further cleaning of his former locker, Browns management did find a vulcanized rubber dildo. When asked for comment, executive VP of football operations Sashi Brown said “I think we came away from this deal as a better team and considering the circumstances we feel justly compensated for our end of the deal.”
Broncos and Browns apparently all athletes are staying away from the BRO teams.
UPDATES!
As far as DePodesta goes, I do recognize his ability to use applied sabermetrics to build a financially viable playoff contender, but consider his resume. Started with the Indians in 1996, then went to the A’s in 1999, followed by a move to the Dodgers and then the Mets.
Anybody want to tally up the number of Championships from these teams during that era?
Hint: you can count them just using Kate Upton’s penis.
What does Justin Verlander have to do with this?
Cleveland, in true #Browns fashion, is apparently bidding against itself for Kaepernick. https://t.co/kPADBrtrDr— NonTenderedFreeAgent (@JacsonBevens) March 10, 2016
#Browns, #Browns, #Jets in on a potential Colin Kaepernick trade. Big difference in where their 2nd round picks are: Denver’s much later— Ian Rapoport (@RapSheet) March 10, 2016
Methinks the fucking Raiders look like a really good footy side for next season. I don;t even know which way is up anymore.
Is this the year the list reaches the floor?
That first picture was pure genius. Cracked me the fuck up!
I think it’s a little extravagant. Cleveland would only splurge for a partial roof. They got the idea while renovating the restrooms for Pats’ fans.
Serious question: if your new head coach already came out and said ‘Manziel’s a gone motherfucker’, why in hell would not have cut him as soon as you could?
Maybe they have a life insurance policy on him so they’re waiting until that lapses and there is no more chance of any return on their investment.
I believe the Browns are stupid enough to think that someone would attempt a trade.
Stupid…or crafty???
Yeah, stupid. Definitely stupid.
Cap hit.
“They’re right up against the salary cap for the 2015 season, and cutting Manziel midway through his rookie deal would require them to pay out all his remaining guaranteed money and take a $4.3 million cap hit. They simply can’t fit that under the 2015 cap, but if they wait until the new league year, which begins [yesterday] afternoon, the cap hit will count against their 2016 payroll, when they’ll be able to absorb it.
There remains the slight possibility that Manziel may remain a Brown for months to come, for two reasons, both money-related. The first is pragmatic: if Cleveland waits until June 1, they could spread Manziel’s dead money over the next two seasons.
The second reason is pragmatic too, but kind of depressing: if Johnny Manziel is a member of the Browns when the NFL hands down a personal-conduct suspension for his domestic violence incidents, the Browns stand to recoup some of his guaranteed money.”
http://deadspin.com/when-will-the-browns-cut-johnny-manziel-1763832024
That is absolutely doing it the Cleveland way.
Sashi Brown: I am Sashi the Brown, Executive Vice President, Football Operations. Duke of the Cuyahoga, and leader of its peoples.
Browns Fan Store Cashier: Well hello Mister Fancypants. Well, I’ve got news for you pal, you ain’t leadin’ but two things, right now: Mack and shit… and Mack left town.
I’m guessing that players who actually re-sign with the Browns at any point in their careers are suffering from Stockholm Syndrome.
And after they sign, it’s just plain old suffering.
Fear of freedom.
Is there a word for being so used to abuse it no longer phases you? Because at this point…
IT’S FAZES GODDAMNIT I’LL KILL YOU! I’LL KILL ALL OF YOU ESPECIALLY THOSE OF YOU ON THE JURY.
If my memory of Psych 101 is accurate, there’s a term called “learned helplessness” that deals with that particular phenomenon – hope that helps.
I was never in faze with the professor out my Psych 1000 class, so that’s pretty helpful.
RIKKI: [head explodes]
/kidding around, but I swear if I read one more fan post at S&B Pride that says we need to draft a “complimentary” back, I will probably have an aneurysm.
Besides, you already have one. Marcel Reece told me that I was a handsome man.