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INT. AUDITORIUM THEATER, CHICAGO – DAY
We open backstage. A harried production assistant – MELISSA – holding a clipboard stands at attention, trying to simultaneously listen through a discreet earpiece as well as pass on instructions to a broad-shouldered, ginger-haired man.
MELISSA: Okay, we’re coming out of commercial…[listens]…and three…two…one…GO. [she pushes the ginger-haired man up the walkway to the main stage]
ANNOUNCER: [via theater’s public address system] PLEASE WELCOME YOUR HOST, NFL COMMISSIONER ROGER GOODELL!
GOODELL: [smiling broadly] Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 2016 NFL Draft!
GOODELL: With the first pick, the Los Angeles Rams have selected Jared Goff, quarterback, from the University of California.
GOODELL: The Philadelphia Eagles are now on the clock.
GOODELL retreats and returns backstage as the countdown begins.
GOODELL: Wow, they’re really letting me have it this year.
MELISSA: I wouldn’t worry about it, sir. It’s become tradition at this point. They’ll calm down soon enough.
GOODELL: Yeah, with all the excitement of these two big trades, plus how great of a job San Diego has done disguising their intentions, there should be plenty to cheer about this year.
MELISSA: Plus, check this out [shows him an Instagram video]
GOODELL: A substance abuse policy violation already! How dramatic! I knew there was a reason I decided to wear…[plucks at outfit]…suspenders!
MELISSA: Ha ha ha, good one, sir!
Nine picks later…
GOODELL: Do you people like apples?
GOODELL: Well how do you like this Apple?
INDIVIDUAL VOICE: Your jokes suck!
GOODELL: [returning backstage] Sheesh, rough crowd.
MELISSA: Oh, I’m sure they’re not boo-ing you anymore, sir. They just don’t like the pick. Apple’s got some physical talent, but he’s going to be a penalty machine at the NFL level.
Ten picks later…
GOODELL: …and the New York Jets have selected Darron Lee, linebacker, from THE Ohio State University
OHIO STATE GRADUATE: That’s our word, you can’t use that word!
GOODELL: [returning backstage] I’m not sure I can take much more of this.
MELISSA: No, no, sir, they’re Jets fans. I’m sure they were just saying “show us your boo-oobs!” They chanted it at me for ten minutes during the soundcheck and I’m barely even a B-cup.
GOODELL: Still, I think it’s time to mix in some of the ringers. Sergeant Giunta?
MEDAL OF HONOR RECIPIENT SALVATOR “SAL” GIUNTA: Absolutely, sir. Let’s do it.
Two minutes later…
GIUNTA: No, no, sir, it has nothing to do with you. Chicago’s just…a very liberal city. It’s basically Berkeley on Lake Michigan.
GOODELL: Well, let’s try again. You ready, Karis?
KARIS: Let me just unplug here…
GOODELL: No no, just wheel it right out onstage. We wanna give those heartstrings a good old yank…
Two minutes later…
KARIS: They’re boo-ing cancer, sir. Trust me. Everyone hates cancer.
GOODELL: It just…it’s like no matter what I do, I can’t escape their jeers.
MELISSA: A moment, sir? One of the presenters for tomorrow wanted to say hi. [ushers a former player forward]
PLAYER: [holds out hand] Boo.
GOODELL: [wide-eyed] What?
PLAYER: Boo Williams, sir. I played for the New Orleans Saints. [smiles] That would have been before your time.
GOODELL: [shakes his hand] Of course, of course. Thanks for helping out.
MELISSA: Next pick is in.
GOODELL: All right, there’s no WAY they can boo me this time. Release the hounds!
A set of Welsh Corgi puppies are released onto the stage, and an adult Corgi accompanies Goodell to the podium.
GOODELL: And with the twenty-third pick in the NFL the Minnesota Vikings have selected Laquon Treadwell, receiver, Ole Miss.
GOODELL: [aside to co-presenter] I swear to God, I think I’m losing my mind.
LOBSTER DOG: [looks at GOODELL] Boo-ark!
Two picks later…
MELISSA: It’s time.
GOODELL: [with a slight tremor in his hands] No more. I can’t do it any more.
MELISSA: Hey, that’s a pretty good Mohammed Ali impression, but maybe let’s just play this one straight.
MELISSA: It’s just a few more, sir.
GOODELL: [grimaces, returns to the stage]
GOODELL: All right, all right, I know you’re gonna like this one.
GOODELL: I swear, you won’t be saying “boo” after you hear this pick.
GOODELL: …and with the twenty-fifth pick in the 2016 NFL Draft, the Pittsburgh Steelers have selected…