Hi.

Oops, my apologies for being informal.

Hello, my name is Sandy McTire, and I would like to talk to you for a moment, if I could.

I would like to speak with you about Canadian soccer. Specifically, if it’s not too much of a bother, I would like to discuss with you why Canada never seems to play in international tournaments.

Darn it – I seem to have offended the ladies with my generalization.

The Canadian women’s national team have been splendid in their recent outings over the last decade. In particular, but without showing actual preference, I would refer you to one Miss Christine Sinclair, a fine lass who has become, during the course of her career, the second-highest scorer in women’s international competitive history, behind only Abby Wambach. The women’s national team, not to brag, has been to 5 straight World Cups and two consecutive Olympics, giving good results each time out. They have achieved much more than their male counterparts when it comes to international competition.

More specifically, then, I would like to converse with you about the Canadian men’s national team.

First off, I must apologize for our absence from this tournament. While we are appreciative of any invitation proffered our way, and are generally considered a rather pleasant nation, I am slightly perturbed at the notion of a party being held next door to which we were not summoned.

The men’s national team is, if you don’t mind the rough language, a bad team. There; I said it. My apologies if that was too blue for your eyes, but an awful truth sometimes requires harsh language in reflection. I supposed I should have offered warning that my emotions might overcome my sensibilities. Sorry.

Currently, Canada sits 95th in the world, behind such countries as Montenegro (94), St. Kitts and Nevis (92), and the Faroe Islands (90). The nation is not participating in the Copa because, despite being invited to attempt qualification, the national association chose to send a team capable in spirit if not talent to the qualification matches. Sorry that it wasn’t out best effort.

Why did we elect not to participate to our fullest extent? Well, I’m going to turn that over to my counterpart, Jacques Shellac. BJ?

Merci Sandy. La raison nous n’allons jamais a la tournoi international est parce qu’ il y a plusieurs niveaux de bureaucratiques pour government sur la football canadien. Tout zut, Sandy; il y a trop de cuisiniers impliqués, mais pas de menu de cohésion.^*

My learned friend is correct.

The “national program” exists on a level that requires involvement from each of the 10 provinces, because it is most Canadian to have a discussion before attempting to reach a unanimous decision. Unlike our hockey brethren, who hire a coach and give him the unseemly, arbitrary power to pick and choose a team from various developmental leagues, Canadian soccer uses a process more gentlemanly, befitting the nature of “the beautiful game”. Although soccer has the highest level of youth participation in Canada, emphasis is placed more on participation than skills development. There is no national developmental league, as that would infringe upon the rights of the provincial associations. In addition, the “president” of Canadian soccer is a volunteer, and players from private academies are ineligible for participation in provincial association schedules and tournaments, and thus why most Canadian soccer players of measurable talent choose to ply such trade in the United States, It’s the Canadian way.

In addition, citizenship laws in place allow Canadian-born children of foreign parents to retain both citizenships, because they should have the right to choose who they are upon reaching the age of consent. This also affords the opportunity to train in those countries and be purchased for play in one of the various national leagues. As a result, in the recent past, some Canadians of foreign heritage, like Owen Hargreaves (England), Jonathan de Guzman (Netherlands) and Asmir Begovic (Bosnia-Hercegovina), have chosen to play for their ancestral countries rather than the Home & Native Land, where there is no “national development league” or “pay”.

Will we at least qualify for Russia 2018? Oh, no; not as long as the rules in place prevent the development of a truly “national” program. But we still have 1972 to warm our hearts, and summer is cabin season. Please enjoy the Copa and your various tournaments; we will as well, but from bars.

^{* – I’m proud of myself for getting the translation 80% correct when first checking Bing.}