Your “Home-Cooked Factory of Sadness Sadness” Wednesday Open Thread

A pretty full (Darnell) docket of NFL minutiae today:

  • nfl.com:
    The faces of competition.
    • NFL investigators are looking into whether Aqib Talib shot himself. I expect the crack team that investigated Brady’s deflated balls to eventually conclude “Touchdown Seahawks”. If they would just read Crimebeat!, their problems would be solved.
    • More musings that the starter’s job in San Francisco is Blaine Gabbert’s to lose. I’m highly anticipating a “Chip Kelly to Go With ‘The Flow'” headline close to the regular season.
  • ESPN:
    • In what seems like more of a typical Browns story, or possibly Bucs/MRSA circumstance, Jags WR Allen Hurns is allergic to grass. Martavis Bryant is desperately trying to find an out for himself in all of this.
    • Ravens DL Timmy Jernigan wanted to change his number to 99 to honour his idol Warren Sapp, and Sapp responded by demanding the kid not do that. Rumour is it’s because Jernigan stopped returning Sapp’s calls & texts, but I figure it’s because Sapp thought he was going to get paid for the honour, and has a hotel room and ‘entertainment’ he really needs covered this weekend.
    • In an actual “Thanks, Obama” moment, Broncos WR (& fantasy team poison) Demaryius Thomas personally thanked the President during the Broncos visit for pardoning his mother back in July. The pardon, as part of a blanket series granted to non-violent drug offenders, eliminated the remaining five years on her 20-year sentence for participating in his grandmother’s cocaine distribution ring. (BTW, Grandma is serving two life sentences for being the ringleader.)
  • SBNation:
    • A pretty chilling account from eyewitnesses about the moments leading to former Saint Will Smith’s murder. TL;DR – it pretty much invalidates self-defence.
    • The Dolphins might be interested in trading for Darren McFadden? What broken-down piece of junk would the Cowboys want in return? Would JERRAH accept payment in hookers?
  • Profootballtalk:
    • JPP is going to be doing a fireworks PSA in time for July 4th.
      • Not in time for his right hand, but just in time for his left.
    • Following up on the rumour of the Dolphins looking at possibly acquiring Run-DMC, PFT says the Fins are losing interest in signing Arian Foster.
    • If true, Andrew Luck’s contract extension will be worth about $25 million a year, $3 million more than elite QB Joe Flacco and a $9 million raise on his fifth-year option for 2016.
    • Finally, on a humourous note, Trent Richardson says the 2016 season begins his first steps towards the Hall of Fame.

In lesser sports news, Maria Sharapova was suspended two years for using banned substances, specifically the drug meldonium. According to the BBC, Meldonium – also known as mildronate – is a drug designed to treat ischemia, a condition where there is a reduction in blood supply to body tissue. It is also said to have benefits for diabetes sufferers. For athletes, it helps with oxygen delivery to the muscles, so it would help with endurance.

Clearly, an issue.

So far, no sign of it has turned up in any old Lance Armstrong samples, but I’m sure it’s just a matter of time.


In lesser sports reporting, someone at The Hollywood Reporter thought it would be a good idea to ask Bill Simmons some questions. Idiot. Among the factoids I cherry-picked:

ME! I ALSO INVENTED “30 for 30”! YUP, I DID IT!
  • ESPN = bad. Bad, bad men.
  • Roger Goodell + ESPN = Bill Simmons alone must pay.
  • Deadspin totally fucked him over. He’s an angel & team player.
  • Everybody wanted him, but HBO wants to love him.
    • He’s going to totally be the Bill Maher of sports, bros!
  • People who don’t like Bill say Bill is galvanizing, and that galvanizes Bill.
  • “30 for 30” totally sucks now. WHY MESS WITH A WINNING FORMULA?!
  • Did you know he’s from Boston? SHOCKER!

Read it if you dare, but be warned: It makes Peter King look self-aware.


So…Game 3 is tonight. Does it begin the comeback, or validate the LeBron-as-poison / Cleveland-is-cursed theories? I saw the 4th quarter of Game 2, and I have to tell you, Golden State looked pretty unbeatable. Seeing GSW roll Cleveland in the first two games must make OKC fans cry, and Sonics fans delighted. It seemed to me like Kerr’s defensive strategy was to triple LeBron and let the others shoot from outside, figuring that the stress of trying to compensate would crack their aim. Luckily, it turns out that’s one of the main theories so-called “experts” are going with.

One of the few benefits of having separate Canadian coverage (US-game broadcast, but pre-pregame and post-postgame Canadian commentary) due to how far the Raptors got is that I’m learning what snipers the Cavs were during their series against TO. Rod Black – who is as white as you’d expect from a Canadian basketball commentator – keeps going on about how the Warriors have rattled the Cavs into taking poor 3s rather than setting up a good shot. I don’t think that’s just the difference, but – okay.

If the Cavs win tonight, then we’ve got an actual series (maybe – see SJ-Pitt). But if they lose, and lose hard, then this is most likely over by Friday, and the team gets blown up on July 1, when free agency starts.


Tonight’s engaging sports contests:

NBA: Game 3 – Warriors @ Cavs – 9:00

Copa: streak broken – no wrecked anthems last night.

  • Brazil vs Haiti – 7:30 – Camping World Stadium, Orlando (future site of the Pro Bowl)
  • Ecuador vs Peru – 10:00 – University of Phoenix Stadium, Glendale

Alternative Programming:

  • NBC – American Ninja Warrior – 8:00
    • Why does everyone have to have a story? Why can’t one of them just say, “It looks like fun, so I figured ‘why not’?”
    • This show mostly reminds me how much I miss MXC.
  • ESPN Classic – Connors vs McEnroe; Evert vs Navratalova – 1982 Wimbledon Final – 8:00; 10:00
    • this one’s for Dok, as she is contemplating blowing a ton of money on strawberries & cream.
      • If you do go, please accept this London play recommendation – Sunny Afternoon
  • FX – The Americans – 10:00
    • Season 4 finale! Hopefully, it includes some gratuitous Keri Russell alongside good actor Keri Russell.

Myself, if I had the choice, I prefer London over New York as a tourist destination. It’s probably the history major in me. Also, MY EXTRA “U”‘s ARE NOT OUT OF PLACE!

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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Don T

I can’t believe it’s only, barely Thursday. Dammit.
A very, extremely pleasant melody: “Extraña de querer”, by iLe
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=PiPoLewWH40

Don T

And here’s her brothers, Calle 13 – El Aguante https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=LUk73pUe9i4
Oh, I needed that.
/head butts wall, leaves

Unsurprised

The Americans was awesome tonight. What the Hell were you all watching?

Sill Bimmons

I look into the electron micrograph–transmission
I see the ribosomic endoplasmic reticulum

http://cache1.asset-cache.net/gc/128566107-transmission-electron-micrograph-of-the-gettyimages.jpg

Sill Bimmons
Wakezilla

Why was the protein afraid to travel alone throughout the Endoplasmic Reticulum?
Because it was the Rough ER!

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Sill Bimmons

I saw you
With a ticket stub in your hand
Under the light
Middle of the night
Couldn’t get it wrong
So I had to

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Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

I cannot begin to describe how proud I am to have studied medicine at the Virus Research Laboratory at the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine.

Jonas Salk is and will remain the most important person in the history of medicine, and I am privileged to stand trembling at the edge of his shadow.

Wakezilla

That’s pretty cool, Sill.

Hurrah for vaccines!

http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/417giaTUPFL.jpg

Covalent Blonde

His brother was my godfather. And Jonas’s nephew slapped my ass

Sill Bimmons

To say that vaccination is the most important development in the history of humanity is to vastly understate the importance of vaccination.

Jonas Salk’s polio vaccine was merely standing on the giant shoulders of Edward Jenner’s smallpox vaccine.

Even the development of antibiotics pales in comparison to the importance of vaccination.

Sill Bimmons

Y’all often go one way and I just as often go another.

Except for this:

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Sill Bimmons

Seven years.

Seven years from polio to no polio.

FUCK YOU ANDREW WAKEFIELD YOU ARE THE WORST FUCKING HUMAN WHO HAS EVER LIVED

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andrew_Wakefield

Unsurprised
Wakezilla

To commemorate my big day of walking the stage and getting my Master of Arts degree, here’s some Metallica

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xnKhsTXoKCI

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

THATS GOOD HUSTLE!

Congrats dude!

Wakezilla

Thanks man. It was hard and a lot of work. I survived. . . barely

Wakezilla

SFU. Go Clansmen! . . .

/has no school spirit

Sill Bimmons

To all this and that…here’s some Elgar:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kw-_Ew5bVxs

Unsurprised
Wakezilla

Thanks. . . This has to be a new Simpsons gif. I’m racking my brain and can’t think of when this episode must have happened in the golden years

Unsurprised

Season 14, Episode 4. The episode when Marge gets breast implants.

Wakezilla

Oh yeah!

That was around the time I checked out. But I remember now.

Covalent Blonde

Holy fucking congrats!

Sill Bimmons
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I wish the history of money was covered more during history classes. Sure, you get the National Bank and gold/silver standards, and modern currancy/exchange rates in econ, but I bet there is some really interesting shit in there that’s otherwise lost.

Wakezilla

Byzantine Empire history classes has a lot of interesting nuggets and facts about their money. A lot of that has to do with the fact that they didn’t feel right destroying bank notes/interest papers signed by commoners because it had the word god on a lot of those sheets.

Sill Bimmons

Those coins are so far removed from circulation and valuation that it’s comical to speculate as to their actual worth.

Sill Bimmons

TEN CENTS

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