Your “Home-Cooked Factory of Sadness Sadness” Wednesday Open Thread

A pretty full (Darnell) docket of NFL minutiae today:

• nfl.com:

  

  • NFL investigators are looking into whether Aqib Talib shot himself. I expect the crack team that investigated Brady’s deflated balls to eventually conclude “Touchdown Seahawks”. If they would just read Crimebeat!, their problems would be solved.
  • More musings that the starter’s job in San Francisco is Blaine Gabbert’s to lose. I’m highly anticipating a “Chip Kelly to Go With ‘The Flow’” headline close to the regular season.
• ESPN:
  • In what seems like more of a typical Browns story, or possibly Bucs/MRSA circumstance, Jags WR Allen Hurns is allergic to grass. Martavis Bryant is desperately trying to find an out for himself in all of this.
  • Ravens DL Timmy Jernigan wanted to change his number to 99 to honour his idol Warren Sapp, and Sapp responded by demanding the kid not do that. Rumour is it’s because Jernigan stopped returning Sapp’s calls & texts, but I figure it’s because Sapp thought he was going to get paid for the honour, and has a hotel room and ‘entertainment’ he really needs covered this weekend.
  • In an actual “Thanks, Obama” moment, Broncos WR (& fantasy team poison) Demaryius Thomas personally thanked the President during the Broncos visit for pardoning his mother back in July. The pardon, as part of a blanket series granted to non-violent drug offenders, eliminated the remaining five years on her 20-year sentence for participating in his grandmother’s cocaine distribution ring. (BTW, Grandma is serving two life sentences for being the ringleader.)
• SBNation:
  • A pretty chilling account from eyewitnesses about the moments leading to former Saint Will Smith’s murder. TL;DR – it pretty much invalidates self-defence.
  • The Dolphins might be interested in trading for Darren McFadden? What broken-down piece of junk would the Cowboys want in return? Would JERRAH accept payment in hookers?
• Profootballtalk:
  • JPP is going to be doing a fireworks PSA in time for July 4th.
    • Not in time for his right hand, but just in time for his left.
  • Following up on the rumour of the Dolphins looking at possibly acquiring Run-DMC, PFT says the Fins are losing interest in signing Arian Foster.
  • If true, Andrew Luck’s contract extension will be worth about $25 million a year, $3 million more than elite QB Joe Flacco and a $9 million raise on his fifth-year option for 2016.
  • Finally, on a humourous note, Trent Richardson says the 2016 season begins his first steps towards the Hall of Fame.

In lesser sports news, Maria Sharapova was suspended two years for using banned substances, specifically the drug meldonium. According to the BBC, Meldonium – also known as mildronate – is a drug designed to treat ischemia, a condition where there is a reduction in blood supply to body tissue. It is also said to have benefits for diabetes sufferers. For athletes, it helps with oxygen delivery to the muscles, so it would help with endurance.

So far, no sign of it has turned up in any old Lance Armstrong samples, but I’m sure it’s just a matter of time.

In lesser sports reporting, someone at The Hollywood Reporter thought it would be a good idea to ask Bill Simmons some questions. Idiot. Among the factoids I cherry-picked:

• ESPN = bad. Bad, bad men.
• Roger Goodell + ESPN = Bill Simmons alone must pay.
• Deadspin totally fucked him over. He’s an angel & team player.
• Everybody wanted him, but HBO wants to love him.
  • He’s going to totally be the Bill Maher of sports, bros!
• People who don’t like Bill say Bill is galvanizing, and that galvanizes Bill.
• “30 for 30” totally sucks now. WHY MESS WITH A WINNING FORMULA?!
• Did you know he’s from Boston? SHOCKER!

Read it if you dare, but be warned: It makes Peter King look self-aware.

So…Game 3 is tonight. Does it begin the comeback, or validate the LeBron-as-poison / Cleveland-is-cursed theories? I saw the 4th quarter of Game 2, and I have to tell you, Golden State looked pretty unbeatable. Seeing GSW roll Cleveland in the first two games must make OKC fans cry, and Sonics fans delighted. It seemed to me like Kerr’s defensive strategy was to triple LeBron and let the others shoot from outside, figuring that the stress of trying to compensate would crack their aim. Luckily, it turns out that’s one of the main theories so-called “experts” are going with.

One of the few benefits of having separate Canadian coverage (US-game broadcast, but pre-pregame and post-postgame Canadian commentary) due to how far the Raptors got is that I’m learning what snipers the Cavs were during their series against TO. Rod Black – who is as white as you’d expect from a Canadian basketball commentator – keeps going on about how the Warriors have rattled the Cavs into taking poor 3s rather than setting up a good shot. I don’t think that’s just the difference, but – okay.

If the Cavs win tonight, then we’ve got an actual series (maybe – see SJ-Pitt). But if they lose, and lose hard, then this is most likely over by Friday, and the team gets blown up on July 1, when free agency starts.

Tonight’s engaging sports contests:

NBA: Game 3 – Warriors @ Cavs – 9:00

Copa: streak broken – no wrecked anthems last night.

• Brazil vs Haiti – 7:30 – Camping World Stadium, Orlando (future site of the Pro Bowl)
• Ecuador vs Peru – 10:00 – University of Phoenix Stadium, Glendale

Alternative Programming:

• NBC – American Ninja Warrior – 8:00
  • Why does everyone have to have a story? Why can’t one of them just say, “It looks like fun, so I figured ‘why not’?”
  • This show mostly reminds me how much I miss MXC.
• ESPN Classic – Connors vs McEnroe; Evert vs Navratalova – 1982 Wimbledon Final – 8:00; 10:00
  • this one’s for Dok, as she is contemplating blowing a ton of money on strawberries & cream.
    • If you do go, please accept this London play recommendation – Sunny Afternoon
• FX – The Americans – 10:00
  • Season 4 finale! Hopefully, it includes some gratuitous Keri Russell alongside good actor Keri Russell.

Myself, if I had the choice, I prefer London over New York as a tourist destination. It’s probably the history major in me. Also, MY EXTRA “U”‘s ARE NOT OUT OF PLACE!