Hello.
I’m Tom Brady. You might have recently read the news that my petition was denied by the U.S. Second Court of Appeals, and that I’ll be forced to serve a four game suspension for allegedly tampering with footballs. That’s fine. I’ll accept my punishment. While Jimmy Garoppolo takes my place on the field against the Cardinals, Dolphins, Texans, and [chuckles derisively] Bills, I won’t be sitting at home with my supermodel wife in my luxurious mansion feeling sorry for myself. I intend to keep myself busy. No, I won’t be memorizing the playbook, or studying film. I have another pursuit in mind. One that will show you, and Roger Goodell, and everyone else in this great nation just how true it is that idle hands become the devil’s plaything.
I intend to seduce – and then unceremoniously discard – every woman in your life that you ever cared about.
Your mother. Your sister. Your aunt Rita. That cute barista at the coffee shop who seems to smile more brightly for you than for any other customer and who you’ve tipped over eighty dollars in loose change so far this year. Your prom date, who was the flag team co-captain and you had something of a crush on but never attempted to consummate, preferring to remain “just friends” – even on prom night – and who is now a lonely schoolteacher in Des Moines. She still pines for you, occasionally, you know. Like you, she sometimes wonders what might have happened if you’d had just a bit more courage.
The receptionist at your place of business. The lifeguard at the pool where you take your children for swimming lessons. The young woman at the gym whose schedule roughly corresponds to your own, who you’ve gradually become comfortable making eye contact with and might initiate a conversation with someday. The cashier at your preferred grocery store – the one who wears too much mascara and you sometimes wonder whether she’s turning tricks on the side. I have no idea whether she is, or isn’t. But I can tell you that I personally won’t be paying her a cent. I won’t need to. She will come to bed with me happily, and willingly, and when I’ve finished with her I’ll toss her aside and move on to the next woman you’ve had even a passing fancy for. I’m thinking it will be your real estate broker.
After all this, have you started to become concerned about my intentions toward your fifteen year-old niece? You needn’t be. Our society has rules, and I wouldn’t want to break those rules. I won’t be doing anything illegal. Just unethical. Ah, the things I will do with these women. Yes, so very unethical.
I’ll be starting with your wife. No, don’t bother trying to call her. She’s already on her way to meet me, and I’ve instructed her to turn off her phone. In the meantime, I suggest you listen to some music – songs of heartbreak and betrayal seem like they would be relevant. Here’s one to get you started. Please try to enjoy yourself. I know I intend to.
[…] right. I updated my text-to-speech module. I used some of the affability of Eli Apple, the charm of Tom Brady, and the enthusiasm of Kirk Cousins, to synthesize a blend of human characteristics that will make […]
I’m going to close things out with a DOUBLE SHOT but it’s the Afghan Whigs, so there are easily a dozen songs that would fit the theme.
Pete Townshend – There’s a Heartache Following Me
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=QxNgdnUEDPY
This fucking son man.
God damn allergies.
This chick fucking wails:
https://youtu.be/h0rx-6g3jU8
Close enough to the theme:
One more:
Ok, really last one this time:
Open thread up.
OK, but it will have to be on an old piece of clothing; I like you but I’m not going to rip a seam on something I wear just on your whim.
http://66.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mejggy0ZbX1qbz1b3o7_500.jpg
http://img.myconfinedspace.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/Wonder-Woman-%e2%80%9cThe-New-Original-Wonder-Woman%e2%80%9d-2.gif
AS I TYPE, BRICK MEATHOOK IS GETTING THE FIRST PEDICURE IN HIS LIFE! AND IT IS AWESOME!
Don’t let them see your hard-on; it creeps them out.
I CAN’T BELIEVE I’VE LIVED ALMOST TWENTY YEARS ON THIS PLANET AND I’VE NEVER HAD THIS DONE BEFORE
WHAT PLANET WERE YOU ON BEFORE??
http://37.media.tumblr.com/9f8129dc25e46815e112c5d62f2dad72/tumblr_n95bm1bVJn1sfp6m8o1_400.gif
GO GET A PEDICURE!!!! IT IS AWESOME!!!!
http://www.heavymetal.com/v2/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/lynda-carter-as-wonder-woman-09.gif
The worst part about Brady unceremoniously pipe cleaning the vaginas of your life’s loves and crushes is that he never breaks that tight-lipped smirk even as he ices them like a cheese danish when he finishes.
Think visual; now I think I need to beat somebody until it goes away.
http://media.giphy.com/media/lWLDSlRARed6U/giphy.gif
Who’s got two thumbs and is going to some weird blues festival tonight?
May have songs about cheating to add when I’m back.
http://33.media.tumblr.com/3768ef85d654e6ac30c646ba479148c4/tumblr_ng2s1nzp6P1s2wio8o1_500.gif
HEY, what if the loser of our election gets to run Turkey instead?
/that would be the sound of Trump dropping out
//Cruz would prolly do it
///his severed head would be paraded through Istanbul within 3 weeks tops
http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view5/4816146/lynda-carter-strength3-o.gif
Ricky Nelson: “Believe What You Say”
https://youtu.be/zSfdc5LKbzc
http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view1/4897657/lynda-carter-strength8-o.gif
For the Stones.
http://www.msn.com/en-us/entertainment/celebrity/mick-jagger-to-become-a-dad-again-at-72/ar-BBuljn3?ocid=ansmsnent11
The stones to have a kid at 72.
No horn section, kid.
http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view2/4897703/lynda-carter-strength10-o.gif
I initially had plans to watch “The African Queen” and make snarky comments about it.
/stupid movie is not that stupid
//stupid movie is very good
Bogart had Hepburn finger….
Adjusts collar…. splooshes.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tvmELG-QDuc
http://www.msn.com/en-us/sports/nfl/tim-tebow-among-speakers-at-donald-trump%E2%80%99s-rnc/ar-BBujEXZ?ocid=ansmsnsports11
http://www.msn.com/en-us/music/news/britney-spears-has-officially-dropped-her-new-single-make-me/ar-BBulDLy?ocid=ansmsnent11
Sorry; couldn’t find the video.
Ergodan using social media to call for the public to rise up is the absolute height of hypocrisy.
Ergodan a hypocrite? I refuse to believe that! I say good day to you, sir. Good. Day!
Don’t you know he’s the champion of human rights over in Turkey?
Everytime I turn on the TV and hear the news, I die a little on the inside with all the filth of lies they spew.
Looks like Recep is going to be Erdo-gone!
http://www.theinnovationhouse.us/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/Turkey-10.gif
But seriously though, this is actually a terrible thing.
So the difference is a swimmer vs. a football player?
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/crime/ex-vanderbilt-football-player-cory-batey-sentenced-15-years-article-1.2712969
Or literally any other rapist vs. a football player
I think you missed it:
http://www.cnn.com/videos/justice/2016/06/05/stanford-swimmer-sexual-assault-pkg.kpix
Nope. Knew the story. Used the wrong sport in my response. 🙁
Both are wet.
MAYBE HE SHOULDA GOT A JUDGE WHO WENT TO VANDERBELT!!
http://www.heavymetal.com/v2/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/lynda-carter-as-wonder-woman-07.gif
Wednesday 13: My Home Sweet Homicide
AKA, when clown sex goes wrong
I am racking my brain, and for the life of me, I can’t think of that one Boyz to Men song that was about cheating. God damnit! It’s driving me nutso.
Ja Rule and Christina Milian- Between me and you
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2yJJGA5Fys
Remember when Paula Abdul was the hottest woman on the planet, not a pill-addled mess?
No.
Hey, stop bad-mouthing pills like that!!
When you say “bad-mouthing pills” I picture Paula trying to shovel pills into her mouth and somehow missing.
My favorite fun fact about Paula Abdul is that she choreographed the Hot For Teacher Video
https://youtu.be/6M4_Ommfvv0
Tha Greatriots have stahted 2-2 foah three of theyah foah championships. Brady’s “suspension” will nawt even be a bump in the fackin’ road.
Scotty Doesn’t Know.
https://youtu.be/0Vyj1C8ogtE
FAHCK! I can’t believe I forgot that one.
http://www.sitcomsonline.com/photopost/data/759/lg1.JPG
Fork.
http://25.media.tumblr.com/6d43c91567b413bac2cb8844155758d7/tumblr_mu9mdwBl3u1rmub87o2_500.gif
Lynryd Skynyrd Gimme Three Steps is my favorite Skynyrd song.
https://youtu.be/SM3jgkChV6M
Eric Clapton has always been a grade A bitch
Layla (Original Recipe)
https://youtu.be/fX5USg8_1gA
Strong taek: The original is a better version.
And because I love me some Toni Braxton. . . He wasn’t man enough for me
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9_hKXk2qSuw
This explains a lot.
True Story: If you dumped a girl in higschool in 99/2000, she probably dedicated this song to you in a note at some point. Or she told her friends to tell you this.
I did dump a girl in HS in 2000, I was in my earlier 40s so it was more of a “at least she’s 18” issue tho.
http://www.geocities.ws/dwsite/image/the_break_up027.jpg
“She told me she was 16, but I could tell she was 22!”
CREEEEEEPY!
Double Rihanna
Unfaithful
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rp4UwPZfRis
Take a bow
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J3UjJ4wKLkg
What do you mean, awaiting moderation!
I’d like to dedicate this to dirty mack HOF’er Derek Fisher https://youtu.be/9dZW1C3neao
Johnny Cash – Train Of Love… I may have seduced someone I shouldn’t have to this one.
https://youtu.be/TSBmmYggErg
Pearl Jam- Better Man
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7tbIWwKllCw
Surprised nobody has mentioned this one:
Melissa Etheridge-> Your little secret
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_RV2oTT6IQ
Usher-> Confessions, Part II. . . . Also a good song to get freaky to
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Sy19X0xxrM
But this one has a happy ending!
Alabama Shakes – Miss You
https://youtu.be/NHA2f0hzMTE
This band is the best thing to come out of Athens, Alabama EVAR.
/cue wrath of King Laserface
Bruno Mars-> Grenade
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SR6iYWJxHqs
A classic-> Justin Timberlake: Cry Me a River
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DksSPZTZES0
A classic? Holy shit.
Say My Name- by Destiny’s Child
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQgd6MccwZc
Hank the 3rd double shot (or Boilermaker):
Almost forgot about this one!
Ween, Baby Bitch
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g0n6K3Nbmew
BREAKING NEWS:
Turkey is in the middle of a coup d’etat.
As for the topic at hand:
98 degrees, The Hardest thing
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZzTNsFcbdmI
Turkish military is famous for having enough of the government’s shit.
True! First one since 1980, which is kind of surprising. I thought they had one in the 90s. Perhaps the Turks flew the coup that time.
I don’t believe it was a full coup. I think they basically told the prime minister to GTFO or else.
Yup. Government gets THIS MUCH too Muhammad-y and it’s HAI General Presidente.
Every 5 years I remember this is a song.
Jimmie’s Chicken Shack – What do I do
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8WR3gF9J0hQ
Ooh, this one fits the theme nicely.
You know what? Let’s make this a DOUBLE SHOT.
DOUBLE SHOT of U2
Mick Hucknall and his girl have been cheating on each other-Simply Red with “The Right Thing”.
https://youtu.be/aHSWnxe9bNk
Bobby Brown’s tale of sleepin’ round-“My Perogative”
https://youtu.be/TgAlZFX1Rvw
Fiona Apple treated some guy badly according to “Criminal”
https://youtu.be/FFOzayDpWoI
The only Motorhead song that I can stand-“I’m So Bad” (Baby, I Don’t Care)
https://youtu.be/Qy0P8zwvdSQ
Well, shit, I almost forgot to ruin the thread with some Dead. I apologize for the oversight.
Next Time You See Me (Copenhagen ’72), Grateful Dead
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K8B_YY327Pk
holy shit it’s you. happy fat hump schadenfreude day
THE GREATFUL DEAD FUCKING SUCKS ASSHOLE.
/Reverts out of Cuntler caricature.
//likes GD.
Haven’t gone through all the tunes yet but I’m sure that no one has the courage to post Mary MacGregor’s “Torn Between Two Lovers”. I grew up on am radio. Shuttup!
https://youtu.be/wmvYlJb2-bc
I’ll do you one better: ATLANTIC STARR, SECRET LOVERS
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2A3j0zWpTs0
There terribleness of this song has brought back the terrible eighties feeling of being stuck in the bottle return line while my Mom talked to some from friend for 45 minutes. *shudder*