Request Line: The Cheatin’ Side of Town

Hello.

I’m Tom Brady. You might have recently read the news that my petition was denied by the U.S. Second Court of Appeals, and that I’ll be forced to serve a four game suspension for allegedly tampering with footballs. That’s fine. I’ll accept my punishment. While Jimmy Garoppolo takes my place on the field against the Cardinals, Dolphins, Texans, and [chuckles derisively] Bills, I won’t be sitting at home with my supermodel wife in my luxurious mansion feeling sorry for myself.  I intend to keep myself busy. No, I won’t be memorizing the playbook, or studying film. I have another pursuit in mind. One that will show you, and Roger Goodell, and everyone else in this great nation just how true it is that idle hands become the devil’s plaything.

I intend to seduce – and then unceremoniously discard – every woman in your life that you ever cared about.

Your mother. Your sister. Your aunt Rita. That cute barista at the coffee shop who seems to smile more brightly for you than for any other customer and who you’ve tipped over eighty dollars in loose change so far this year. Your prom date, who was the flag team co-captain and you had something of a crush on but never attempted to consummate, preferring to remain “just friends” – even on prom night – and who is now a lonely schoolteacher in Des Moines.  She still pines for you, occasionally, you know.  Like you, she sometimes wonders what might have happened if you’d had just a bit more courage.

The receptionist at your place of business. The lifeguard at the pool where you take your children for swimming lessons. The young woman at the gym whose schedule roughly corresponds to your own, who you’ve gradually become comfortable making eye contact with and might initiate a conversation with someday. The cashier at your preferred grocery store – the one who wears too much mascara and you sometimes wonder whether she’s turning tricks on the side. I have no idea whether she is, or isn’t. But I can tell you that I personally won’t be paying her a cent. I won’t need to. She will come to bed with me happily, and willingly, and when I’ve finished with her I’ll toss her aside and move on to the next woman you’ve had even a passing fancy for. I’m thinking it will be your real estate broker.

After all this, have you started to become concerned about my intentions toward your fifteen year-old niece? You needn’t be. Our society has rules, and I wouldn’t want to break those rules.  I won’t be doing anything illegal.  Just unethical.  Ah, the things I will do with these women.  Yes, so very unethical.

I’ll be starting with your wife. No, don’t bother trying to call her. She’s already on her way to meet me, and I’ve instructed her to turn off her phone. In the meantime, I suggest you listen to some music – songs of heartbreak and betrayal seem like they would be relevant. Here’s one to get you started. Please try to enjoy yourself. I know I intend to.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Law-abiding Raiders fan, pet owner, Los Angeles resident.
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[…] right.  I updated my text-to-speech module. I used some of the affability of Eli Apple, the charm of Tom Brady, and the enthusiasm of Kirk Cousins, to synthesize a blend of human characteristics that will make […]

Don T

Pete Townshend – There’s a Heartache Following Me
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=QxNgdnUEDPY

This fucking son man.

God damn allergies.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

This chick fucking wails:

https://youtu.be/h0rx-6g3jU8

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Close enough to the theme:

BrettFavresColonoscopy

One more:

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Ok, really last one this time:

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

OK, but it will have to be on an old piece of clothing; I like you but I’m not going to rip a seam on something I wear just on your whim.

http://66.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mejggy0ZbX1qbz1b3o7_500.jpg

Brick Meathook

AS I TYPE, BRICK MEATHOOK IS GETTING THE FIRST PEDICURE IN HIS LIFE! AND IT IS AWESOME!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Don’t let them see your hard-on; it creeps them out.

Brick Meathook

I CAN’T BELIEVE I’VE LIVED ALMOST TWENTY YEARS ON THIS PLANET AND I’VE NEVER HAD THIS DONE BEFORE

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Brick Meathook

GO GET A PEDICURE!!!! IT IS AWESOME!!!!

...

The worst part about Brady unceremoniously pipe cleaning the vaginas of your life’s loves and crushes is that he never breaks that tight-lipped smirk even as he ices them like a cheese danish when he finishes.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Think visual; now I think I need to beat somebody until it goes away.

http://media.giphy.com/media/lWLDSlRARed6U/giphy.gif

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Who’s got two thumbs and is going to some weird blues festival tonight?

May have songs about cheating to add when I’m back.

King Hippo

HEY, what if the loser of our election gets to run Turkey instead?

/that would be the sound of Trump dropping out

//Cruz would prolly do it

///his severed head would be paraded through Istanbul within 3 weeks tops

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Brick Meathook

Ricky Nelson: “Believe What You Say”

https://youtu.be/zSfdc5LKbzc

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
scotchnaut

I initially had plans to watch “The African Queen” and make snarky comments about it.

/stupid movie is not that stupid
//stupid movie is very good

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Bogart had Hepburn finger….

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Adjusts collar…. splooshes.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Sorry; couldn’t find the video.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Gratliff

Ergodan using social media to call for the public to rise up is the absolute height of hypocrisy.

Wakezilla

Ergodan a hypocrite? I refuse to believe that! I say good day to you, sir. Good. Day!

Don’t you know he’s the champion of human rights over in Turkey?

Everytime I turn on the TV and hear the news, I die a little on the inside with all the filth of lies they spew.

Looks like Recep is going to be Erdo-gone!

http://www.theinnovationhouse.us/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/Turkey-10.gif

Wakezilla

But seriously though, this is actually a terrible thing.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Gratliff

Or literally any other rapist vs. a football player

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Gratliff

Nope. Knew the story. Used the wrong sport in my response. 🙁

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Both are wet.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

MAYBE HE SHOULDA GOT A JUDGE WHO WENT TO VANDERBELT!!

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Wednesday 13: My Home Sweet Homicide

AKA, when clown sex goes wrong

Wakezilla

I am racking my brain, and for the life of me, I can’t think of that one Boyz to Men song that was about cheating. God damnit! It’s driving me nutso.

Ja Rule and Christina Milian- Between me and you

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2yJJGA5Fys

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

No.

King Hippo

Hey, stop bad-mouthing pills like that!!

Kungjitsu

My favorite fun fact about Paula Abdul is that she choreographed the Hot For Teacher Video

https://youtu.be/6M4_Ommfvv0

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Kungjitsu

Tha Greatriots have stahted 2-2 foah three of theyah foah championships. Brady’s “suspension” will nawt even be a bump in the fackin’ road.

Scotty Doesn’t Know.

https://youtu.be/0Vyj1C8ogtE

Wakezilla

FAHCK! I can’t believe I forgot that one.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Kungjitsu

Lynryd Skynyrd Gimme Three Steps is my favorite Skynyrd song.

https://youtu.be/SM3jgkChV6M

Kungjitsu

Eric Clapton has always been a grade A bitch

Layla (Original Recipe)

https://youtu.be/fX5USg8_1gA

Wakezilla

Strong taek: The original is a better version.

Wakezilla

And because I love me some Toni Braxton. . . He wasn’t man enough for me

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9_hKXk2qSuw

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

This explains a lot.

Wakezilla

True Story: If you dumped a girl in higschool in 99/2000, she probably dedicated this song to you in a note at some point. Or she told her friends to tell you this.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I did dump a girl in HS in 2000, I was in my earlier 40s so it was more of a “at least she’s 18” issue tho.

Gratliff

http://www.geocities.ws/dwsite/image/the_break_up027.jpg

“She told me she was 16, but I could tell she was 22!”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

CREEEEEEPY!

Wakezilla
Wakezilla

What do you mean, awaiting moderation!

Kungjitsu

I’d like to dedicate this to dirty mack HOF’er Derek Fisher https://youtu.be/9dZW1C3neao

Sep

Johnny Cash – Train Of Love… I may have seduced someone I shouldn’t have to this one.

https://youtu.be/TSBmmYggErg

Wakezilla
Wakezilla

Surprised nobody has mentioned this one:

Melissa Etheridge-> Your little secret

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_RV2oTT6IQ

Wakezilla

Usher-> Confessions, Part II. . . . Also a good song to get freaky to

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Sy19X0xxrM

Sep

Alabama Shakes – Miss You
https://youtu.be/NHA2f0hzMTE

King Hippo

This band is the best thing to come out of Athens, Alabama EVAR.

/cue wrath of King Laserface

Wakezilla
Wakezilla

A classic-> Justin Timberlake: Cry Me a River

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DksSPZTZES0

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

A classic? Holy shit.

Wakezilla

Say My Name- by Destiny’s Child

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQgd6MccwZc

Sep

Hank the 3rd double shot (or Boilermaker):

Cuntler
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Wakezilla

BREAKING NEWS:

Turkey is in the middle of a coup d’etat.

As for the topic at hand:

98 degrees, The Hardest thing

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZzTNsFcbdmI

Gratliff

Turkish military is famous for having enough of the government’s shit.

Wakezilla

True! First one since 1980, which is kind of surprising. I thought they had one in the 90s. Perhaps the Turks flew the coup that time.

Gratliff

I don’t believe it was a full coup. I think they basically told the prime minister to GTFO or else.

King Hippo

Yup. Government gets THIS MUCH too Muhammad-y and it’s HAI General Presidente.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Gratliff

Every 5 years I remember this is a song.

Jimmie’s Chicken Shack – What do I do

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8WR3gF9J0hQ

scotchnaut

Mick Hucknall and his girl have been cheating on each other-Simply Red with “The Right Thing”.

https://youtu.be/aHSWnxe9bNk

scotchnaut

Bobby Brown’s tale of sleepin’ round-“My Perogative”

https://youtu.be/TgAlZFX1Rvw

scotchnaut

Fiona Apple treated some guy badly according to “Criminal”

https://youtu.be/FFOzayDpWoI

scotchnaut

The only Motorhead song that I can stand-“I’m So Bad” (Baby, I Don’t Care)

https://youtu.be/Qy0P8zwvdSQ

Cuntler

Well, shit, I almost forgot to ruin the thread with some Dead. I apologize for the oversight.

Next Time You See Me (Copenhagen ’72), Grateful Dead

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K8B_YY327Pk

packman_jon

holy shit it’s you. happy fat hump schadenfreude day

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

THE GREATFUL DEAD FUCKING SUCKS ASSHOLE.

/Reverts out of Cuntler caricature.
//likes GD.

scotchnaut

Haven’t gone through all the tunes yet but I’m sure that no one has the courage to post Mary MacGregor’s “Torn Between Two Lovers”. I grew up on am radio. Shuttup!

https://youtu.be/wmvYlJb2-bc

Cuntler

I’ll do you one better: ATLANTIC STARR, SECRET LOVERS

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2A3j0zWpTs0

There terribleness of this song has brought back the terrible eighties feeling of being stuck in the bottle return line while my Mom talked to some from friend for 45 minutes. *shudder*