Is Jim Caldwell Really A Pokémon In Disguise? A [DFO] Investigation

Not a lot is known about Jim Caldwell. For example, we have seen him coach at both the professional as well as collegiate levels during his years of employ, but despite all of this, we have only known of his true form for less than a year. I am sure this is all despite his best efforts to remain in the background, skirt blame and be as inoffensive as possible. However, after you read this, everything will change. Yes, that’s right, I am here to present an ironclad case as for why Jim Caldwell is actually a previously unknown type of Pokémon, disguised as a human.




Outside of football, not much is known about Jim. When visiting his Wikipedia page, it doesn’t take long for one to see that his entry is lacking a “Personal Life” section. The closest thing that we come to is a section about his “Family,” basically running through the names of his wife and children. This contains about as much information on Jim as your typical Pokédex entry, which are usually known for very obvious and concise statements about a particular type of Pokemon, as detailed below:

Ah yes, LeGarrette Blount Syndrome


Now, for those of you not keen on the whole Pokémon scene, you might be asking me, “But Low Commander, I thought Pokémon was a family game, and there’s no way that Pokémon can have sex and then offspring. That just seems strange.” Well, I can’t argue with you, but Pokémon breeding has been around since before the new millennium. In fact, there are numerous guides detailing the subject, and while they may technically be SFW, I’d advise against wasting your time on them, unless you really need to find yourself a Tyrogue in order to finalize that trade with Marc Trestman.

Anyway, now that we all know that Pokemon can breed, as unsettling as the thought may be, it is vital to understanding my next point:



Lampert, via
Snorunt, via


Okay, I have your attention now, don’t I? The physical resemblance alone is uncanny, but not only does Jim Caldwell look like a cross of these two critters, he also ACTS like them too. Let’s start with the Snorunt. What follows are various entries from a Pokédex:


Snorunt primarily inhabits very snowy regions.  Snorunt survives by eating only snow and ice.


This is obvious, as Caldwell is known to have only coached in 3 places during his NFL career: Indianapolis, Baltimore and Detroit. All of these places are known for their winter chill and snow fall. Plus, while you can’t see what Jim is doing below his hat, I’m here to assure you that he is enjoying a snow cone.


Old folklore claims that a house visited by this Pokémon is sure to prosper.


Despite having little success himself in coaching college football (26–63 record), Tony Dungey brought Jim on to be an assistant coach to the Indianapolis Colts. Shortly after joining the Colts coaching staff, the organization won a Super Bowl. Was this due to the brilliance and incredible play making of Peyton Manning, or just the good luck brought forth by Jim Caldwell?

Further, not long after joining the Baltimore Ravens coaching staff, John Harbaugh and his team won a Super Bowl. With monumental upsets of the Denver Broncos, New England Patriots, and eventually beating the San Francisco 49ers. Is Joe Flacco elite? No, Jim Caldwell is just part Snorunt and gave the organization good fortune.

Now, this is going to be a little spooky as we move to Jim’s other half, as Lamperts are not known for being nice Pokémon. In fact:


It arrives near the moment of death and steals spirit from the body. The spirits it absorbs fuel its baleful fire.


God damn! That’s, actually pretty dark. However, it is factually relevant. As previously mentioned, Jim has only coached in 3 places during his NFL career: Indianapolis, Baltimore and Detroit. Not only are these places known for their cold and snow, but also for being complete and total pits of despair. Drug use, homicide, exercise, gravy enemas gone awry, all leading causes of death of these poor inhabitants, and exactly what would draw a Lampert to want to live there. In fact, there was so much joy in the city of Baltimore following their Super Bowl victory, it overwhelmed Jim, causing him to flee the one of the only places more depressing: Detroit.


Watch out Cleveland, you’re probably next. Via


They now can be seen living in cities. It hangs around hospitals waiting for people to pass on.


Hmm, let’s see, how close is the nearest hospital to Ford Field? Oh, exactly ONE MILE:


Ford Field to Hospital
That’s a 4 minute drive, or float, if you happen to be part Lampert


Has anyone ever tried breeding a Snorunt and a Lampert? Clearly they have, because Jim Caldwell exists.





I will let these speak for themselves.




Last week, Jim was asked if he had ever played Pokémon Go with his grandchildren or in general. Despite the fact that there have been 50 million downloads of the game, he flat out refused to say that he has, or ever will:


No, and I’m certainly not going to get into it in the future, either,” Caldwell said. “But I’ve seen all the reports. I have no idea exactly how it works. I haven’t had time to think about that aspect…”


Is this because he is a 61 year-old man with a very intense and demanding job that requires his full attention, or is it because Pokémon are not capable of catching other Pokémon?


“…I’ll leave that up to you.”


I’m glad that you did, because now I, and the rest of the world, know that Jim Caldwell is a Pokémon.


Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers is a native North County San Diegan with an affinity for the Padres, beer, whiskey, punk rock, video games and the end of days. If you eat a fish taco with a fork in his presence, you may lose your hand.
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UnsurprisedSenor WeaseloBrockyMoose -The End Is Well Nighballsofsteelandfury Recent comment authors
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A wild Jim Caldwell Appeared!!

Brocky sent out Charmander!

Charmander used Growl!

It has no effect on the wild Jim Caldwell

so it makes sense that he’s a ghost type

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well, I, for one, am convinced.

This was seriously good. Great job!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Jesus Fuck, cat!!! How fucking stupid are you? Shoot that dumbfuck and use his meat for stew.


This made me miss Caldwell cat.


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Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

ESPN poll: Will Tim Tebow have a career in professional baseball?

Yes, he’ll make a major league team.
11% 754 votes

Yes, he’ll make a minor league team.
43% 2,840 votes

No, he won’t make a team.
25% 1,659 votes

What? I thought he was joking…
21% 1,420 votes

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So at least we know 11% of the population are total fucking morons. I would have guessed higher.
And I’d say 54%, but sadly the 43% that said minor league team are probably sadly correct, even if they fucktarded their way into it.

Some minor league team will put him on a roster just for the box office draw. Probably one in the mid to northern FLA area would be my guess. And they’ll do so knowing they’ll take a roster spot away from somebody who might actually be a real ballplayer.

Fuck that guy.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Your soulless Death March back to U****X has begun.

Godspeed, old friend…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Senor Weaselo

Well, we had a good run.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Yeah I really gotta get that thing repainted.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

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Makes sense, since the Buffalo Pokemon mascot is Zubat.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

General question on Pokemon and society: does the whacko Christian Fundamentalist Establishment have it’s usual hatred for all things Not White Jesus, or does it recognize the value of raising a generation that believes the world is inhabited by creatures they can’t see?

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Here’s Focus On The Family’s statement on Pokemans:

“‘Pokémon,’ the Japanese phenomenon that began as a video game, has since spawned a TV series, several movies, numerous toys and collectibles, comic books, and a trading card game that has become wildly popular in the U.S.

While some of the claims of demonic influences in Pokémon seem overblown, our staff does have concerns about the potential impact of this form of entertainment on its intended audience of impressionable 8- to 11-year old children.

Collecting is the name of the game in Pokémon. This can involve the investment of exorbitant amounts of time and money, especially for young people. In their desire to continually increase the value of their collection, we feel kids could develop something of an addiction to this fad.

So while we’re not convinced that Pokémon is inherently evil, we do believe there may be better uses for a child’s time and money. We urge concerned parents to evaluate the game for themselves before allowing their children to buy the merchandise.”

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Answers In Genesis (Ken Ham):

“It’s hard to spend any time on the Internet, or even watch the news, without hearing about the newest craze, Pokémon Go. It seems to have quickly become incredibly popular. Well, despite three of our staff members trying to explain it to me, I still don’t understand what it is or how it works. I guess I’m just from the wrong generation! But I’ve been told that there are Pokémon, gyms, and PokéStops all over the Creation Museum. We’ve even had non-Christian guests come to the museum chasing these PokéStops.”

The videos of people trying to explain it to this fundie nitwit are pretty funny:

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

The Southern Baptist Convention is strangely silent on the matter.

So no, apparently fundie nutcases have better things to do with their time than to demonize Pokemans nowadays.


After he levels up his lamp shade illuminates and he is known as”Bulbasaur.”

Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water
Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

Fantastic writeup! I will forever see Snorunt when I look at Caldwell now.

Unrelated note: what in god’s name happened to DFO? I’m gone for a week and the layout explodes?


This investigation is the best birthday gift you could have given Special Agent Scully.

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And now Tony Dungy hates Jim Caldwell