Not a lot is known about Jim Caldwell. For example, we have seen him coach at both the professional as well as collegiate levels during his years of employ, but despite all of this, we have only known of his true form for less than a year. I am sure this is all despite his best efforts to remain in the background, skirt blame and be as inoffensive as possible. However, after you read this, everything will change. Yes, that’s right, I am here to present an ironclad case as for why Jim Caldwell is actually a previously unknown type of Pokémon, disguised as a human.
JIM CALDWELL HAS LITTLE INFORMATION ON HIS PERSONAL LIFE, MUCH LIKE A POKÉDEX ENTRY
Outside of football, not much is known about Jim. When visiting his Wikipedia page, it doesn’t take long for one to see that his entry is lacking a “Personal Life” section. The closest thing that we come to is a section about his “Family,” basically running through the names of his wife and children. This contains about as much information on Jim as your typical Pokédex entry, which are usually known for very obvious and concise statements about a particular type of Pokemon, as detailed below:
Now, for those of you not keen on the whole Pokémon scene, you might be asking me, “But Low Commander, I thought Pokémon was a family game, and there’s no way that Pokémon can have sex and then offspring. That just seems strange.” Well, I can’t argue with you, but Pokémon breeding has been around since before the new millennium. In fact, there are numerous guides detailing the subject, and while they may technically be SFW, I’d advise against wasting your time on them, unless you really need to find yourself a Tyrogue in order to finalize that trade with Marc Trestman.
Anyway, now that we all know that Pokemon can breed, as unsettling as the thought may be, it is vital to understanding my next point:
JIM CALDWELL IS THE OFFSPRING OF A LAMPERT AND SNORUNT
Okay, I have your attention now, don’t I? The physical resemblance alone is uncanny, but not only does Jim Caldwell look like a cross of these two critters, he also ACTS like them too. Let’s start with the Snorunt. What follows are various entries from a Pokédex:
|Snorunt primarily inhabits very snowy regions. Snorunt survives by eating only snow and ice.|
This is obvious, as Caldwell is known to have only coached in 3 places during his NFL career: Indianapolis, Baltimore and Detroit. All of these places are known for their winter chill and snow fall. Plus, while you can’t see what Jim is doing below his hat, I’m here to assure you that he is enjoying a snow cone.
|Old folklore claims that a house visited by this Pokémon is sure to prosper.|
Despite having little success himself in coaching college football (26–63 record), Tony Dungey brought Jim on to be an assistant coach to the Indianapolis Colts. Shortly after joining the Colts coaching staff, the organization won a Super Bowl. Was this due to the brilliance and incredible play making of Peyton Manning, or just the good luck brought forth by Jim Caldwell?
Further, not long after joining the Baltimore Ravens coaching staff, John Harbaugh and his team won a Super Bowl. With monumental upsets of the Denver Broncos, New England Patriots, and eventually beating the San Francisco 49ers. Is Joe Flacco elite? No, Jim Caldwell is just part Snorunt and gave the organization good fortune.
Now, this is going to be a little spooky as we move to Jim’s other half, as Lamperts are not known for being nice Pokémon. In fact:
|It arrives near the moment of death and steals spirit from the body. The spirits it absorbs fuel its baleful fire.|
God damn! That’s, actually pretty dark. However, it is factually relevant. As previously mentioned, Jim has only coached in 3 places during his NFL career: Indianapolis, Baltimore and Detroit. Not only are these places known for their cold and snow, but also for being complete and total pits of despair. Drug use, homicide, exercise, gravy enemas gone awry, all leading causes of death of these poor inhabitants, and exactly what would draw a Lampert to want to live there. In fact, there was so much joy in the city of Baltimore following their Super Bowl victory, it overwhelmed Jim, causing him to flee the one of the only places more depressing: Detroit.
|They now can be seen living in cities. It hangs around hospitals waiting for people to pass on.|
Hmm, let’s see, how close is the nearest hospital to Ford Field? Oh, exactly ONE MILE:
Has anyone ever tried breeding a Snorunt and a Lampert? Clearly they have, because Jim Caldwell exists.
JIM CALDWELL IS INCAPABLE OF HUMAN FEELINGS AND EXPRESSIONS
I will let these speak for themselves.
JIM CALDWELL REFUSES TO PLAY POKÉMON GO, BECAUSE POKÉMON CANNOT CATCH OTHER POKÉMON
Last week, Jim was asked if he had ever played Pokémon Go with his grandchildren or in general. Despite the fact that there have been 50 million downloads of the game, he flat out refused to say that he has, or ever will:
|No, and I’m certainly not going to get into it in the future, either,” Caldwell said. “But I’ve seen all the reports. I have no idea exactly how it works. I haven’t had time to think about that aspect…”|
Is this because he is a 61 year-old man with a very intense and demanding job that requires his full attention, or is it because Pokémon are not capable of catching other Pokémon?
|“…I’ll leave that up to you.”|
I’m glad that you did, because now I, and the rest of the world, know that Jim Caldwell is a Pokémon.