NFL News:
- Warm up the Meme Machine, because Mark Sanchez has been named the starter for the Broncos first pre-season game.
- On the topic of lame arms, apparently Tebow is going to try his hand at baseball. Uh huh.
- Lane Johnson (who?) is facing a 10-game suspension for PED use. That’s a nice look going into the first year of a 6-year, $66 million contract.
- They’ll never say it out loud, but John Elway and Von Miller should thank Brock Ostweiler for getting pissy and signing with Houston.
- Tell your girlfriend: Adele is rumoured to be this year’s Super Bowl halftime performer.
Lo, and it was deemed that Troy Vincent shall be the noble warrior from League headquarters who will fall upon the sword of scorn resulting from the cancellation of last Sunday’s pivotal Hall of Fame contest betwixt the Packers & Colts.
Finally, nfl.com has their “Power Ranking” numbers out. It’s Carolina, Arizona & Green Bay on top, with the Titans, 49ers and Browns scraping the bottom. Feel free to debate in the comments, because rankings based on no games played yet are clearly the most accurate. Not to be outdone, cbssports.com has a ranking of fan bases and finds the Cowboys have the most supportive fans. They continue to stick with them despite the 20+ year drought in Super Bowl victories. One might even say that Cowboys fans are huge athletic supporters.
So much quality. America’s team.
Speaking of America’s Team, I caught these bros at the Women’s Beach Volleyball match on the TV last night.
If you ever wondered what foreigners picture when they think “Americans”, this is that image and those are the people. I believe these Trump voters might be the new TAWMMYS FROM QUINZEE! Feel free to come up with names for RioBros Connor and Dylan here.
Remember – we are 48 hours from the first actual pre-season games. The NFL can’t cancel them all! Here’s the schedule.
Tonight’s sports: non-Olympic list
- Little League World Series – US Regional Qualifiers (ESPN)
- Southwest Region – 8:00
- U.S. Open Cup Soccer – 8:00 (ESPN2)
- New England vs. Chicago
- Smackdown LIVE! – 8:00 (USA)
Tonight’s sports: Olympic list
- 2016 Summer Olympics Primetime – 8:00 (NBC – Live east; Tape-delay West) (CBC – live)
- Women’s diving; women’s gymnastics; swimming
- Phelps goes for Gold #20 in the 200m Butterfly final
- more from the US-Russia swimming Cold War
- Women’s diving; women’s gymnastics; swimming
- Volleyball – Brazil vs Canada – 9:30 (NBCSN/TSN)
The US & Russia are using the Games to settle geo-political issues. Plus, China is mad an Australian swimmer said they’re all cheats, and they want an apology. Australia’s official response was, “no”. THE 80s ARE BACK, BABY!
Wow, Fisher cut a player because his girlfriend stopped by to drop something off before curfew after the first day of conditioning. Captain 8-8 makes Philbin look like Mr. Charisma!
BOLD move showing integrity and discipline as a priority by out right cutting a player.
Who had no chance of making the final roster.
http://66.media.tumblr.com/f435aecd09acd5a6ec796e9e1aea8d0e/tumblr_o63gi3f1111tbt5dxo1_500.gif
http://blackdoctor.org/478360/how-to-detox-your-penis/
http://66.media.tumblr.com/995e306c7391c39dda78b36a15eed4d2/tumblr_o4nlkxRGjy1r1k6d5o1_400.jpg
http://66.media.tumblr.com/b38cebfb563af0adccd68c76f21abae9/tumblr_o4nip23g3t1r1k6d5o1_1280.jpg
http://65.media.tumblr.com/49e690e670c4c2ac299a9f945fd50adf/tumblr_o2gjiePJcU1rp7yz5o1_1280.jpg
http://lparchive.org/Destiny-of-an-Emperor/Update%2018/36-Destiny_of_an_Emperor-512.png
Dynasty Warriors used to be different. I need to go to bed before I get sucked into retro gaming hell.
Hey guys. Gotta say I love the new website layout. I think. Maybe.
WEIRD
http://67.media.tumblr.com/53bde70f6ca6cea6cd96181986bc91e5/tumblr_npqr8zOiQR1rh844qo1_500.gif
All this retroness has me wanting to play an olde tyme platform RPG thing. Which of the following should I die horribly in first?
-Faxanadu
-Milon’s Secret Castle
-Legacy of the Wizard
-Ironsword: Wizards & Warriors II
I was more thinking along the lines of the old NES “Dark Souls is for spoiled millennials” torture machines.
I’m replaying Shining in the Darkness, because being a new dad means sleep is a myth.
My uncle had hand drawn maps of that fucking game. What a beautiful, brutal game that was. Even better that it tied into the Shining Force series.
/Goes down stairs
//Runs into recolor of housefly from upstairs
///Dies in 1 turn
Holy shit, I unintentionally talked Jeff Fisher into channeling his inner Coach Zimmer with a trip to the woods just before the start of training camp.
I’ve never been more proud.
Hard Knocks has started which means, FOOTBALL HAS STARTED!
WOO!
Shut up Skyler. You always did annoy the shit out me anyway.
http://uproxx.files.wordpress.com/2013/09/otoh.gif?w=650
Yeah!
Not wanting to aid and abet a psychopathic murderer any more than she needs to keep from getting murdered!
http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m78iz09Efv1qkmo3to1_500.jpg
It’s been 3 years. Is it time for a ridiculous marathon re-watching? I feel like it is.
Livetweet it.
http://shortyawards.com.s3.amazonaws.com/entries/Truvia_Breaking_Bad_Tweet.png
Sorry for the white boy (aka Cracker) playlist tonight.
I’ll be over it soon enough.
Maybe.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_LxyhCJpsM
Whatever you think of them now, they can make a catchy-ass song.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VtageBQqN0g
Love this fucking song!
I just did a thing. I think you guys will enjoy:
https://storify.com/doorfliesopen/make-it-snow-s-oregon-trail-livetweet-2016
Nice.
/links booby gif
//feels totally not redeemed
Seeing Oregon Trail 5 for the first time in years, It totally is a shopping simulatior.
http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/2013/10/tim-and-eric-mind-blown.gif
Amazing. It deserves its own post with original art in paint.
I was trying to figure out how to do that, but I’m not that smart. Maybe someone can assist?
You lost more bacon on that trip than I’ve eaten in my entire life.
I would livetweet my current Ultima III campaign but it’s going to take until 2018 to finish.
http://www.regeeken.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/U3_Combat.jpg
Fuck yes, Ultima. I really wish they had the graphic overhauls they did for the NES. I played the fuck out of Exodus and Avatar on the NES.
“A beggar on the side of the road asks you for silver so he may feed his dying wife. What do you do?”
WHATEVER GIVES ME THE WARRIOR. GAWD. LET’S GO ALREADY.
My first computer.
Lord British was an ass
FUCKING BANNER QUOTE RIGHT THERE
Mine as well. I actually hooked it up a good ten years after its obsolescence to print off a paper I’d written in ninth grade so I could turn it in again for another class in college. And I got an A.
/shitty student
This is us looks like a big pile of shit.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kenF3_77774
Test
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_IM6teTEFlw
Don’t spit in that cop’s burger.
Michael Phelps’ baby is named Boomer.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO
I WASNT SAYING BOOOOOOURNS
Which Boomer looks more punchable?
http://www.catster.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/Boomer-Esiason-kitten-01.jpg
Or
(Don’t ask Steve Smith)
This one
Fucking idiot with the cupping.
http://scienceblogs.com/insolence/2016/07/01/whats-the-harm-cupping-edition/
Jackass.
http://sd.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk/i/keep-calm-and-don-t-forget-to-cup-the-balls.png
Olympic athletes aren’t geniuses?
http://www.realclearscience.com/2016/08/08/the_olympics_are_full_of_pseudoscience_271780.html?utm_medium=widget&utm_campaign=rss
Yep, it’s about that time.
And how much do I fucking love the WCS doesn’t have to embed for me anymore?
/that sounds dirtier than expected
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2jsECwrbFJw
https://youtu.be/CosTTHJBYIA
FU@K!! So yer one of the lizard people too now? Help me tWBS, you’re my 1st hope…
Wow, if I’m a hope, I sadly must inform you….
Yer screwed.
I can’t even keep my own shit straight. I’m lucky to not be incarcerated at the moment
/thank you Lumberton NC Correctional Facility for allowing me to leave your facility under my own volition and not in cuffs
Bigger meathead: Gronk, Ryan Lochte, David Ryder?
Bold Bigflank by an AU.
Yes.
Damn.
That lady’s never going to have to call ahead for the legendary Truffle-Marzipan Gundel Torte in her life.
http://www.gundel.hu/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/4-Tr%C3%BCffel-marcip%C3%A1n-Gundel-torta-760×768.jpg
The man’s never drank a Duff in his life.
http://writersrelief.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/Cujo.gif
Who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? Good boy!
I have a goal to work an olympics on site for a TV network. My new goal is to get into NBC and start cutting down on the god damn ads.
Close 2nd is to work SNF and get Al Michaels to reference a door flying open
If you could get Costas to “walk onto a door,” I think it would also be a noble goal.
Isn’t there a riff between DP and one of those SNF jokers where he gives them something to shoehorn into the broadcast?
SNF?
http://www.gifmania.us/Animated-Gifs-Art/Free-Animations-Music/Images-Dancing/Disco-Dancers/Saturday-Night-Fever-82009.gif
SLURS at preseason 11? Seems to high considering, you know, they suck.
Wow. Earliest flip in evar? Or just a short circuit of the new layout?
I didn’t even have time to search “bouncy boob” gif yet.
Welp, I found out I didn’t get the job… Fuck, this is exhausting.
At least I can revel in some Comcast schadenfreude.
http://www.wired.com/2016/08/comcast-facing-100-million-lawsuit-service-plan/
Also beer.
The correct way to react to not getting a job.
Shit dude, I’m really sorry to hear that.
Hang in there.
Thanks man. It’s appreciated.
Back to the drawing board this weekend…
Sorry, bud. Here’s Sweet Dee concussing herself:
Strangely…always therapeutic.
Then again, I’m a huge dick.
Sorry to hear that. On the bright side, booze.
Always booze.
Alwaus, always booze.
http://icocelebes.com/inter/katy-perry/gif/katy-perry-gif38-hot.gif
She’s nice too.
Their loss, I’m sure of that. Keep grinding, and
Anyone else catch the Buffalo Bills flag behind Ryan Seacrest?
http://g01.a.alicdn.com/kf/HTB1f21lKVXXXXa4aXXXq6xXFXXXf/Buffalo-Bills-Stanley-font-b-Cup-b-font-Champions-font-b-Flag-b-font-hot-sell.jpg
I always thought the potential game winning goal(s) caromed off the pipes on the right side. You know, just WIDE of the 2 hole (phrasing).
That banner is more legitimate than this one:
http://content.sportslogos.net/logos/1/10/full/4515_dallas_stars-championship_banner-1999.png
At least it was only the Sabres.
Fuck Those Dicks
– State of Minnesota
“I wrote my PhD dissertation on the social function of humor…”
Translation: Who are you to question my If A Then B arguments? My conclusion is also totes agreeable too, you dolt!
https://storify.com/5thCircAppeals/on-trump-just-joking
“Actually, I wrote my thesis on the social function of humor…”
I should’ve dropped out of Life Experience.
HAWT TAEK incoming:
As you know (or didn’t care about), the ladyfriend and I are in Maine this week with…I guess, other white people. Everyone keeps talking about how “Holy Donut” is amazing/life changing. My view: meh. They’re potato donuts, which means they’re heavy as shit and not as sweet. I don’t need more weight with shittier pastries! These donuts are underwhelming and do not warrant the long lines.
/yes I still finished eating them
//not proud but not ashamed either
///still fat
I’ve been to Maine a bunch of times, never had a potato donut. No idea they existed.
“Donut”? What’s a “donut”?
So basically potato rolls
but donuts?
http://www.mykitchenintherockies.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/071+a1.jpg
Yes please.
That was my going in assumption.
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ARJNmFqgx_c/U2m4lUz0uAI/AAAAAAAACgI/60cClGmfHOs/s1600/The+holy+donut-3.jpg
Yet I was less than fully whelmed.
Laterally whelmed?
I need to get back up there at some point. Beautiful country.
But yeah, not much pigment up there fo’ sho’.
Phelps and Lochdouche coming up soon
What’s up shitstains? I seem to not be able help myself from channeling my inner Heisenberg.
And I don’t even get the benefit of the cash or the rush from some good blue meth.
Joey Bosa is a Cowboy in 2 years. Cowboys give a spare lineman and next year’s 1st rounder. No one has seen Bosa play at this level yet. What;s to lose?
Brian William: “Michael Phelps is coming back to swimming, I was there, he told me.
Did he toss your daughters salad to Brian?
Or come out of that Afghan chopper crash firing the SAW and screaming ALLAHU FUCK YOU BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
http://i.makeagif.com/media/12-24-2015/pCcjNi.gif
The skill of gymnastics…and the thrill of karate…
I’m surprised capoeira wasn’t included in the Olympics
Roller Sports….which dear god I hope means roller derby, applied to be added to the games…
http://www.liquid-blue.com/photos/celebrities/images/ScottTBirdTeam.jpg
http://www.gifwave.com/media/7514_heather-graham_200s.gif
This was on the other day:
REALLY wasn’t a fan of Stranger Things.
It should have been way more about the kids, and they should have gotten better actors for pretty much every role.
Seriously, the acting was terrible. Almost as bad as the effects. Which were almost as bad as the story.
I was still in until the last ten minutes of Ep. 5, then it was like “Oh, we’re doing this again.”
Then I just had to see how it ended, which was exactly how it looked like it would end at the end of Ep. 5.
I don’t get any of the hype.
It’s the Blair Witch Project of the Net Teevee Era.
http://gygo.weebly.com/uploads/2/1/9/6/21969694/4999510_orig.jpg
But Barb died!
Barb is the Season 8 Harrison Morgan of the show: a completely undeveloped peripheral character you care nothing about (unless you hate it) whose well-being is clumsily sacrificed to keep the stupid plot moving.
The whole Nancy C-plot was pointless filler.
They should have eliminated it entirely and focused on the missing kid and the kids searching for him.
How many condoms do you think are used every day in the Olympic Village?
All of them
Cool it on the overblown nationalism Christoph Waltz. We all know what you Germans do when you get all prideful…
Opening of The Dark Knight is great.
Good to see the Chinese are still taking the “barely legal” approach to gymnastics.
Fuck you China and your clearly 12-year-old athletes.
– R Kelly
The Chinese spotter leaves a lot to be desired…
So who is going to be shittier….Tim Tebow at baseball or Mark Sanchez at football?
Tim Tebow at being a US senator.
Tebow will be Prez.
Nah, too many cynical liberal types (hi, everybody) hate him for circumventing the meritocracy and being famous simply for being a pious asshole.
Also ,everybody else in the SEC hates him, eliminating a lot of his fundie support.
Also, he’s gay.
Dont give him any ideas.
The only thing better than seeing Hope “Sucker Punch” Solo letting up two goals is following the old twitter during the match.
Near as I can tell, Americans have no fucking clue what off sides, free kick, corner kick, penalty, or half time is in regards to a soccer match.
Why is nbc showing me the team gymnastics final? I can already see the results on Google that the USA won. Why aren’t they showing me live events?
Because NBC is the Buffalo Bills of broadcasting; finding ways to screw up since 1999.
Because they suck?
NBC/Viacom/Xfinity/Sheinhart Wig Company believes it’s still 1994 and they can dictate what you watch when. NOW BACK TO LILEHAMMER.
Well OF COURSE ‘Boys fans are the best. What is it about the Internet gets me so fucking angry at inane factless abstract edicts?
/sigh
My bullshit rankings:
-Cowboys #1 fanbase -??
They’re everywhere, OK. When they’re above .600
-All NFC East teams in top 13 – ????? Makes me wonder if “best” means “hysterically dramatic” or “overwrought self-importance”. /pukes
-LA Rams 32 – whatever; it’s obviously pretextual for
-Titans 31 – those condescending assholes can go to fucking hell. I hope they fall head first on top of the Barstool bros.
Anyone else read the AVClub post about 1996 Nickelodeon?
http://www.avclub.com/article/nickelodeon-grew-and-blew-1996-240472
Pete and Pete was the last show I ever watched in that channel.
Double Dare was the best.
Double Dare was developed at WHYY Philadelphia, and my middle school was on the show multiple times because the principal knew Marc Summers somehow.
I was in the audience a couple times but never made it onto the show.
Gentlemen.
Where?
/spits on hand, runs it through hair
Go Cowboys!!!!!!!….what??? Don’t judge me. I was raised this way. I don’t know any different.
AND THE PRESSURE TELLS
2 — 2
Based on my extensive experience with Australian social media, I believe the Aussie actually said, “Chinese cheating cunts can’t compete for shit without cheating!”
You know what I like? New formats.
.doc is pretty dope but .xlsx is the dopest