Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 43)

The scene: The John Tyler Junior High Dungeons & Dragons club. A young Percival Po sits behind his Dungeon Master screen, rolling a variety of polyhedral dice. Also playing are young Marc Trestmans Windowless Van, Brocky and Old School Zero.

Young Po: You reach the end of the corridor…what do you do now?

Young Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Like, is there a door, man?

Young Po: There is, but it’s locked.

Young Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: OK, I guess we’re going back home then, man.

Young Po (flustered): What? But…wait, don’t you want to pick the lock? You’re a thief!

Young Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Uncool, man. I don’t, like, steal things, man.

Young Po: No, no, no…I mean, your character! Ganja…he’s a fourth-level thief.

Young Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Oh, right, man! Well, like, Ganja’s gonna totally open the door then, man.

Young Po: OK, roll the dice.

Young Marc Trestmans Windowless Van picks up a handful of random dice and rolls them.

Young Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (peering intently at the dice): Whoa, I think I got Yahtzee, man!

Young Po: No, no…just roll that big die…

Young Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Umm…

Young Brocky: Oh, for… Look, I’m a barbarian. Can I just break the door down?

Young Po: Sure! Roll the 20-sided die.

Young Brocky: Ummm… I rolled a one…?

Young Po: Ha! You injure your shoulder on the door! Take seven hit points of damage!

Young Brocky: I hate this game.

Young Po: The noise you make wakes up the ogre who was on the other side of the door! He opens it and attacks you, doing another twelve hit points!

Young Brocky: That’s it, I’m unconscious. I really hate this game.

Young Po: Old School Zero, what does your magic user do?

Young OSZ (brow furrowed in thought): Je jette…missile magique!

Young Po: OK, that angers the ogre! He turns on you and swings his club for nine points of damage!

Young Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (to young OSZ): Whoa, what now, man?

Young OSZ: Fuyez!

Young Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: He’s right, man, we totally run away.

Young Brocky: What about me? My character’s knocked out.

Young Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Sorry, man. Like, you’re a casualty of war.

Young Brocky: Come on, guys! You’re always leaving me behind! This sucks.

Young Po (gleefully): The ogre picks up your barbarian and slams him against the walls, pulping his body! Marc, you and Old School Zero…

Young Po frantically looks around behind his screen. From the other side of the screen a trail of smoke streams up.

Young Po: Hey, have you guys seen the dungeon map? I left it right here…

Young Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (inhaling deeply): Haven’t seen it, man. Maybe you, like, left it in your locker?

Young Po (frantically searching): I worked all night on that! Where could it be?

Young Brocky (to Young Marc Trestmans Windowless Van): Hey, puff puff pass, Marc!

Young Po looks up as the joint gets passed. His eyes grow wide and he grabs it. There’s writing on the paper, and intricate little drawings.

Young Po (distressed): This…this is my dungeon map!

Young Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Hey, you found it, man!

Young Po: You guys…you’re smoking my dungeon!

Young Brocky (irritated): Well, I haven’t yet. You wanna pass it over, Percy?

Young Po (furiously throwing down the joint): You guys suck! You’ve ruined everything! I hate you!

Young Po angrily picks up his books, scattering pencils and dice, and flees from the room.

Young Brocky (picking up the joint and inhaling): I guess the game’s over…?

Young OSZ (accepting the joint from young Brocky): C’est la vie.

Young Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Did we, like, win, man?

Cut to: The moon base of Professor Po. Covalent Blonde, Moosemas Gorilla and Horatio Cornblower are in fierce conflict with Po’s space ninjas. Well, not so much fierce conflict as simply kicking their space ninja butts. It turns out that space ninjas sound like a really cool concept, but in execution fall pretty short of their design goals.

Horatio Cornblower (bouncing off the heads of several space ninjas before landing on Moosemas gorilla’s shoulder): Nice work, guys! We’ve got ’em on the run!

Moosemas Gorilla (body slamming a space ninja onto another space ninja): Ook!

Covalent Blonde (with a space ninja under each arm): This was fun and all, but the butt I really want to kick is Po’s.

Suddenly the bay doors open. A yuuge shadow falls over the DFOers as a sixty-foot tall robot lumbers into the bay. There is a huge flamethrower instead of a right hand. The robot’s head is a plexiglass dome, where Professor Po himself sits, controlling the massive automaton.

Professor Po (menacingly): You were saying, Covalent Blonde? Let me introduce you to my greatest creation…the Po-Bot!

Horatio Cornblower (to Moosemas Gorilla): You know, right now I really wish you were your old size again.

Moosemas Gorilla (agreeing): Ook!

Covalent Blonde: I don’t care how big that thing is…Po is still gonna be soft and squishy.

Professor Po reaches the yuuuge robotic left hand down and picks up Covalent Blonde.

Professor Po: Bwahahahaha! Where’s your bravado now?

Covalent Blonde (trying to pry open the robotic thumb): Do I look like Fay Wray? Put me down before I really decide to put a hurt on you!

Horatio Conrblower (to Moosemas Gorilla): C’mon, pal…CB needs our help!

Covalent Blonde (still struggling with the robotic thumb): I do not! I just need a crowbar…or maybe a big hammer…

Professor Po (giggling with glee): Your resistance is futile, Covalent Blonde! Succumb to my robotic power!

Covalent Blonde (grimacing with effort): I don’t think so, you dork!

Horatio Cornblower (yelling encouragement): That’s it, CB! Now don’t forget to breathe! Push, then breathe…push, then breathe…

Covalent Blonde (gritting her teeth as she pushes at the robotic thumb): I…do not…need a frickin’….Lamaze coach!

With a creaking of gears and servomotors and other techy stuff, the thumb slowly, amazingly, opens!

Professor Po (shocked): That’s impossible!

Covalent Blonde (wriggling out of the robotic grip): Not in my vocabulary, buddy! Now I’m gonna pry open that dome of yours and…

Professor Po (raising his flamethrower hand): And what? After all, I still have my flamethro-

Suddenly the flamethrower goes out. Professor Po looks at it in astonishment, shakes it, then pushes a few buttons on his console. When it doesn’t re-ignite he shakes it again, then glares down at Moosemas Gorilla, who is grinning and holding several cables in his hand.

Professor Po (accusingly): You!

Moosemas Gorilla (feigning innocence): Ook?

Horatio Cornblower (to Po): Oh, sorry…we just found these in this access panel here in your robot’s leg. It was marked Caution: Keep Out, so we just had to take a look.

Professor Po (lifting up a yuuuge robotic foot): It doesn’t matter! I can still crush you like the bugs you are!

Suddenly Doktor Zymm’s RV crashes through the protective dome of the lunar base. The Po-Bot, already off-balance, is blown out over the moon’s surface. Po tries to use the rocket feet but only one of the feet ignites and he goes spinning off like a pinwheel into space.

Professor Po (as he spins away): You guys suuuuuuuuuuuuuuck….

Covalent Blonde starts to get blown outside as well but Moosemas Gorilla leaps and catches her. He then rebounds off of the shattered roof and back toward the RV.

Moosemas Gorilla (catching the door of the RV): Ook!

Horatio Cornblower: Good job, pal!

Covalent Blonde opens the RV door and the three tumble inside. They lie on the floor, exhausted. Otto’s Brain comes rolling over.

Otto’s Brain: Oh, hey, guys!

Covalent Blonde (tired): Hey, Otto.

Horatio Cornblower (tired): Otto.

Moosemas Gorilla (tired): Ook.

Pirate Sloth comes wandering back.

Pirate Sloth: Arr, well there ye be. Ye’ll be pleased to know we’ve got the auto-pilot back. The beastie reset when we did crash.

Otto’s Brain: Hey, that’s great news! What a break, huh, guys?

Covalent Blonde (very tired): Sure.

Horatio Cornblower (very tired): Yup.

Moosemas Gorilla (very tired): Ook.

Pirate Sloth: Aye, well I’ll be settin’ us a return course then, an’ be getting’ us back home.

Covalent Blonde (exhausted): Sounds great.

Horatio Cornblower (exhausted): Sure does.

Moosemas Gorilla (exhausted): Ook.

Pirate Sloth returns to the cockpit. Covalent Blonde sits up and pulls a piece of space wreckage out of her hair. Horatio Cornblower sits on Moosemas Gorilla’s chest as the ape begins to snore.

Otto’s Brain: Boy, did we have some excitement around here!

Covalent Blonde (holding up an empty Captain Morgan Cannon Blast bottle): Do tell. Say, you have any more of this stuff around?

Otto’s Brain: Oh, sure! The liquor cabinet in this thing is really well-stocked!

Covalent Blonde (getting up): Not for long…

Horatio Cornblower: Hey, pour me a thimble. On second thought, make it a full shot. If I’m gon’ drank, I’m gon’ drank!

To be continued…