The Dunghill of College Sports

College football is a fucking joke.

Hey look! Iowa Asshole Polytechnic edged out Oklahoma Electrical Training Institute 65-8! It was close and we can’t wait for the rematch in the second annual North Dakota State Police Training Academy Brutality Bowl! What a contest.

 

Give me a goddamn break. Every year we are expected to get all hard and purple over the college football season. Why? It’s always the same cast of characters who play for schools that are so shot through with corruption it would make Don Corleone blush and say, “Hey, don’t you think that’s a little too much?”

 

Let’s not forget the “athlete – students”, that term makes me laugh harder than “The Trump Committee for Improving Muslim Relationships.” The closest any of these guys get to a classroom is when they’re trying to sodomize a slutbag groupie outside of an academic building at 3 am.

 

Plus, college football is big in the South. I went to school in the not deep South, and most of the times I wanted to ram a chainsaw up the ass of every stupid, narrow minded fuckface I met. I was actually referred to as an “Eye-talian” and a “papist”. I don’t take religion seriously, but these words were used during a discussion about a movie. We didn’t fight, but I later poured a beer into this dickhead’s laundry basket.

 

I don’t want to paint with a broad brush, but Southern people are goddamn idiots. You can’t carry on the family tradition of fucking your sister in the henhouse and expect the result to be Oxford Scholars. They seem to take pride in their ignorance, rejecting what society judges to be “normal.” Clinging to history about the War of Northern Aggression is a fave pastime – when they’re not out fucking raccoons or burning crosses.

 

Fuck you if you think racism in that part of the country is dead. I think it’s given as an intro class in first grade. I do enjoy the rich, juicy irony of dumbass cracker peckerheads yelling and screaming for a black man every Saturday. Face it, you put that player behind a counter in a 7-11 and he’d be called every racist name in the book.

 

And the bulletheads who reside in the Flyover States aren’t any better. Sure, they prefer meth to alcohol when it comes to destroying their cortexes, but every last one of them is too dumb to operate a gumball machine. You know what all those states need? Deadly meteor showers that pummel them into oblivion. Then we can pave over it and turn all that acreage into a kickass skatepark.

 

Do I need to talk about the sleazebag coaches who leave copious trails of toxic slime every day? Nick Saban is a festering shitbag, and that’s a compliment. He’s the only college coach I know by name, but you can be sure every other swinging dick in that industry has one thing in mind: exploit these “student-athletes” for a national championship. That and getting away with cornholing sorority girls in their offices. I do know one other college coach, and that’s Jerry Sanduskey – his dick should be garroted via high quality barbwire. (Don’t think I give Joe Pa a pass because of our shared culture. I don’t.)

 

Are we finished?

 

The NCAA continues to serve as an exercise in hypocrisy, slavering greed, and smugness that hasn’t been seen since Nero’s days on the throne. How in the ever loving fuck of fucks can this ruling body keep their money machines at the poverty line while they reap millions of dollars from their efforts? Yes, I’m being bombastic and broad, but you get the idea. The NCAA is Peter North and John Holmes combined when it comes to ass fucking the people they are supposed to be protecting.

 

Finally, fuck all those stupid traditions and ESPN’s College Gameday circle jerk. That is the depths of shitty broadcasting and on air talent that should be sent to the glue factory. I don’t care about shit traditions repeated ad nauseum for 120 years. Every one of them is dumber than a subway train full of Elvis impersonators. Your mascots are insipid and scary as fuck, those suits smell like a combination of assholes, rancid milk, and despair.

So go die in a grain silo explosion, college football. I’ll go watch a better product – professional Quidditch on the Ocho.

See you dicksmacks later.

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JerBear50
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JerBear50

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Also; Rupert Dunghill of the Rochester Dunghills is quite an extraordinary chap, but he does have a bit of untidiness in his distant past.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

FUCK THESE RAPING AND RAPE COERING UP MOTHERFUCKING ASSHOLES! YOU VICTIM-BLAMING TWATSHITCUNTDICKS SEWER SUCKING WORTHLESS BAGS OF VOMIT!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I thought that would make me feel better……. fucking human beings.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

There’s a good book called Beer and Circus that gives the NCAA a fine anal chainsawing. It’s worth a read.

Also, NCAA football is the only sports organization that thinks the best way to determine a champion is to sit around and vote on who’s good. No other sport would accept such a stupid system, but these folks FIGHT against people who want to toss in the wastebin of history.

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

Shouldn’t field hockey be played outside?

Enrico Pallazzo
Member

Fuck Ohio State!

Gratliff
Member

Oh, hey. They cancelled the Nightly Show in the middle of an election, where it appeared to be a clearly superior product to the Daily Show. Apparently, they don’t grasp that you can’t expect to recreate Colbert’s success, especially when the new guy is in direct competition with him. No more Pardon the Integration or the best Donald Trump in comedy.

http://www.cc.com/video-clips/qrf1t1/the-nightly-show-with-larry-wilmore-donald-trump-downplays-his-violent-rhetoric

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

And lo, the racist neckbeards on Reddit did much rejoice at no longer having to see a colored man on their precious idiot boxes.

Gratliff
Member

Boy, did they ever.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

GODDAMNITALLTOFUCKINGHELL!!

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

That primo hate. Excellent work.

ArmedandHammered
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ArmedandHammered

Having grown up in the mountains of NC, I get really fucking annoyed when people make such generalizations about people in the south and how racist, willfully ignorant, and have the world view of a mole stuck in a paper tube. And then I remember my family, and the people I grew up with, and am amazed at how well you actually do know everyone in my hometown.

ArmedandHammered
Member
ArmedandHammered

*”willfully ignorant they are, and how they have the world view of a mole stuck in a paper tube.”

I certainly didn’t help myself with my inability to form a coherent sentence. I blame the lack of proper role models and education in my formative years.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Inorite? Most of my family is so fucked in the head about that kinda shit, and I just want to smack ’em.
But lemme up the ante….

Not all of them are. One of my nieces married a black man. And to be honest, I spend more time with him than most of my blood kin.

But just imagine Thanksgiving at my house. And in truth it’s not bad anymore. Told the racist asses a few yrs ago that I love ’em…but until they can figure their shit out, just stay the fuck home.

And you people (you people?) wonder why I regularly feel the urge to murder people I’m related to. smgdh

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

“…a combination of assholes, rancid milk, and despair.”

That’s called “Thursday” in my world.
*sigh*

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

fozz, presuming you can vow not to harm me, physically or emotionally, I’m gonna buy you so many beers the next time I can get up that way. Won’t be too long. Before the O’s manage to dick things up and miss out on the playoffs is my hope.

And I might have to bring my uncle and grandfather with me. I’d love to be a fly on the wall for that meet up (they are both cracker racists to the nth degree…and proud of it).

Dude, you are my spirit animal. My level of Fozzcendence is rising, my friend.

Oh damn…there’s one of my fucked in the head asshole relatives calling now (seriously). FML

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

…I later poured a beer into this dickhead’s laundry basket.

“Pfft. Amateur.”

– Najeh Davenport

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Yep. In that state it’s just wasted booze.

blaxabbath
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nomonkeyfun
Member

Wow, they sure have aged. Impressive, Axl going with the open toed shoes. I would think those would be a safety hazard on stage.

blaxabbath
Member

I thought these ended with something positive?

Wait — is dying in a grain explosion actually a NICE thing in Fozz’s world?

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
Member

Quality hate. LOFTY hate.

Fronkenshteen
Member

I love this.
You left out that stupid personal fouls have made college football impossible to bet on.
Jarred Hayne is right. NFL should have a minor leagues.

nomonkeyfun
Member

I was once asked if I wanted “Eye-talian” dressing in Columbus, Oh, a city named after the Italian “discoverer” of the Americas, at a place called Spaghetti Warehouse.
I just looked at their website, they now serve their version of Skyline Chili, at what purports to be an Italian fucking restaurant.

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