Somewhere in China, an orphaned baby girl is smiling for no reason that she can determine. No, it’s not because “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” were able to finally come up with the extra $500 “processing and fondling fee” on top of the $99.99 sale price. She’s smiling because after what seems like an interminable amount of time football is on again and the universe has once again achieved balance. Some kids can just feel this sort of thing in their unwanted bones. Shall we take a look at tonight’s offerings? Oh, and best of luck, Addison Zoe Brooklyn Smith-you’re one of the lucky ones.
Philly/Pit-The Steelers are a not-whelming 2-12 in their last 14 preseason games. [Landry Jones shakes his fist at the heavens and yells, “GIVE ME SOMETHING TO WORK WITH, DAMMIT!] The Eagles traded for Dorial Green-Beckham-the Missouri, Oklahoma and Titans fella who is all kinds of “raw” (code for ‘when he actually runs the right route he usually drops the pass’) but has the kind of body that makes talent evaluators the league over go ga-ga. Rb Matthews will be down and out at some point so you smarter-than-the-average-bear fantasy players should be checking out Wendell Smallwood. I nominate this game as the most boring of the evening.
Cincy/Det-Last week’s Steelers killers-the Lions-now set their sights on the Bengals. Did you know that Detroit has won 4 of their last 5 games going back to the end of last year’s regular season? How is this relevant? It isn’t. Head Lampshade Caldwell was absolutely effusive when talking about 3rd string qb Jake Rudock and his 8 of 11 completion %. “He’s got a long way to go” said the only coach in the NFL with a sponsorship deal from GE Lighting. Rook wr Tyler Boyd burned a nobody for a 40 yd. grab last week in a one point loss to the Vikes. Huzzah! The Red Rifle has someone else to pass to other than A.J. Green!
Atl/Cle-I kinda feel sorry for unsigned Roddy White but it was fairly obvious that he had lost at least one or maybe 39 steps last year [checks off “Alfred Hitchcock-centric sports reference” from bucket list]. Aldrick Robinson is looking to lock down the 4th wr spot for the Falcons after torching his old team-the Redacteds-for 118 yds. last week. This is life on the bubble for a shit ton of players that you’d never hear about unless you write preseason game intros for a not-living. Speaking of which, where in the world is Dwight Freeney? He’s whoring for Atlanta this year. On the other side of the ball, soon-to-be-fired Hue Jackson is excited about his new but really slightly re-cycled trio of wr’s. Josh Gordon, Tyrell Pryor and Corey Coleman are expected to remind Browns fans of the halcyon days of the likes of Dante “Gluefingers” Lavelli and…others. I’m going out on a limb and wager that after a 2 year suspension, Gordon’s lower limbs are as fresh as this morning’s bagels.
Chi/NE-Unlike Gronk, the Bears didn’t score at all last week. It was against the Broncs but that hasn’t stopped some from hand-wringing. Look Bears fans, you’re gonna be just fine with rb Matt Forte piling up the yards like he always does. I’ve no doubt that…what?…Forte has moved on? Jeremy Langford is at the controls now? Whooo boy! If you were thinking about getting a look at Brady tonight, he’s scheduled for “little or no snaps”. You will get an eyeful of Chris Hogan, a recent signee/Bills escapee and soon to be severely-concussed wr. The Pats were no doubt seduced by his league-leading 8.5% dropped passes. HOPE YOU LIKE THREE YARD SLANTS, CHRIS!
Oak/GB-Khalil Mack’s nickname is “Jihad”? Khalil Mack “The Knife” is the better way to go. [checks off Bertholt Brecht-centric sports reference from bucket list] The Raiders slow creep to football relevance continues afresh this evening. This team is doing its best to engender closeness-so much so that Derek Carr and Amari Cooper were forced to sleep together at camp! I’m surprised this isn’t bigger news. Stupid liberal media. On the field, most of the action at qb will be seen by Cook Matt Connor McGloin. UNDERDOG WHITE WR FROM SMALL COLLEGE MAKING AN IMPACT AT TRAINING CAMP ALERT! Jared Abbredis (last name rhymes with ‘cadabra’) is showing all those ‘big city’ receivers types how things are done down in the cornfields from wherever he’s from. You can catch him playing later on in the game-after he’s let the cows in. That wasn’t an Eddie Lacey joke, by the way.
Min/Sea-For some reason all I can think about is watching “Mind of Min/Sea.” It wasn’t a very good show. This doesn’t give any credit to a game that should be good for one, two, maybe even three quarters. Much like all of last year, Jimmy Graham won’t see any footballs tonight. Serves you right, Notre Dame grad. [uses deepest voice] You’ll never find…Rawls on the field either. Head WTC 7 Case Carroll always does things a wee bit differently. He was given a basketball player and he’s trying to convert him to…left tackle?… Good Luck, George Fant of the Western Kentucky Hilltoppers, may your hopes and beams never melt!
[wipes hands on shirt] Okay, that’s over and done. Let’s all sit back and relax in our liqour cabinets, shall we?
Russell Wilson gets married and now can’t seem to escape the sack. Figures.
That’s not how it works.
Patriot guy’s pain watching that drop is my joy.
Apparently, Brady sliced himself with a pair of scissors and got sent home.
Let’s invent a story that explains what Brady was doing when he stupidly sliced himself.
Emo Brady did it to get back at Dad Commish for grounding him for four games.
Secret Cutting: The Tom Brady Story
He was talking to an unsigned free agent rookie when he did it, telling the guy “I’m just trying to put myself in your shoes and really feel what it’s like to be cut.”
http://www.blogcdn.com/slideshows/images/slides/219/377/8/S2193778/original.gif
Hold my beer and watch this…
I think Tosh said it best:
“Always be the guy with the sword.”
He was cutting coupons from the pennysaver. He’s gots ta save seeing as how there won’t be any income for a whole month! Gisele may have to work the pole!
/is polish
//preemptive up top brah
I haven’t seen the last few seasons of the Simpsons (is it still on? I assume it is?) but I don’t think they’ve ever done an episode spoofing “A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court”
A quick Google search says they have not.
The US sprinter who just won the gold in 400 hurdles has a coke nail.
Just getting around to reading the team previews. Stellar, stellar stuff!
I am still whiskey drunk, but Zymm and WCS are here now. You guys want to do our FF league again this year?
Cake autoplaying in the background
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cno20onK9dY
Sure, if we can get everyone back.
hey Dok is having same night as me! Absent the migraine, me hopes…
Spontaneous thought: In preseason game, make the referees have starters and backups the same way as the teams. If a backup does better than a starter, they win the job in the regular season.
Jay Mariotti said something stupid again.
Between that shithead and Wilbon, Chicago has unleashed some pretty awful Hot Take Spinners upon the world.
DITKA
Fucking Ditka. That fucking man’s face is on EVERYTHING in this town. He will shill for pretty much anything: hot dogs, wine, flu shots, hearing aides… that’s all I can think of off the top of my slightly inebriated head but I assure that he is more brand than man now,
People give the ’72 Dolphins tons of shit, but the ’85 Bears are pretty much the same pack of assholes riding a single moment of success decades past the point where they deserve special status for it.
If you take away 1985, the Bears are pretty much as futile as the Browns.
There’s…there’s just a lot going on here…
http://www.buedelmeatup.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/ditkasausage.jpg
You can pair it with one of this wines. Because let me tell you, when I think Ditka, I think CLASSY wines!
http://www.uncorked.com/shop-wines/brand/mike-ditka-wines.html
Guh. Ditka is basically Trump substituting the shitty combover for a mustache.
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x12u56m_stephen-colbert-invite-hugh-laurie-et-matt-damon-a-danser-sur-get-lucky-des-daft-punk_news
Yo
http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/workaholics-sup.gif
Dude
http://www.lovethisgif.com/uploaded_images/2911-Bro.gif
Adrian
I love how much we saw of the 2-minute drill in the 30-6 CIN/DET game. THIS IS PRE-SEASON FOOTY
That punter is No Man’s ray Guy.
I drank all the whiskey today. I am just drunk beyond reason tonight. I would apologize but it is you guys so fuck it
I’m lucky that the last time I got in a Whiskey mood, I had only enough for a couple drinks otherwise work the next day would have been absolutely fucking painful.
Oh, she was lovey dovey…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97ECZMvbLxg
John Fox’s SDSU Senior photo on Redzone…holy shit. Dude had to have been some kind of hesher.
And that gigantic baby head is still a thing.
The flagship station here is the nbc affiliate. Because Olympics though, is shuffled to “sister” station. This sister has been so abused even janay and rhianna have started a gofundme. My tv has told me to watch other things. My tv knows it’s second half preseason and is brilliant.
Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Subtext’s Revenge
So I went out to get some of Off Color’s Yuzu Fierce, which is a lovely Berliner Weisse flavored with yuzu. It’s basically like drinking a crisp, tarter-than-average lemonade. You can down about five of them without thinking about it.
Sadly, the liquor store was out of that beer. (Mostly because Off Color makes small batches and give each liquor store like three four-packs to sell.) So I grabbed Victory’s Kirche Gose instead. Cherry and Gose go together well and I can drink four of them without thinking about it, which is good.
Holy shit that sounds good–both of them. I can probably find that gose, though, and you’re damn right I’m gonna try.
Yeah, Victory is available enough places that you can probably find their gose. I’m a big fan of cherries and think they add fruitiness to beer without too much sweetness, so I’m pretty much willing to drink any beer that uses them. (Boulevard did a tart cherry stout last year that, to me, show how versatile cherries can be in a beer.)
Dear Detroit Lions,
When you’re on defense and your opponent has a 1st and Goal on the 1/4 yard line, you should probably have more than two guys on the line of scrimmage when they snap the ball.
The Seahawks are a slip-first team.
The Browns uniform pants are by far the worst thing about the team.
LEGION OF ROOM TO RUN
Jeebus, I get a phone call and when I come back I’m 3 pages behind.
You weasles talk too much.
And no, I’m not scrolling back unless there were some boob pics worth going back for.
But confused Travolta with track legs almost made do a spit take Moose…well done.
Just let me know and I will repost boob pics for yo
You know me. Does that sound like something I’d say no to?
You’ll never know until you scroll…
Yeah, but if I go back, by the time I’m done I’ll be three pages behind again. I can barely keep up as it is.
Decisions, decisions.
Serves you right for deserting us.
What do you expect? If the 4th Quarter of Preseason Game #2. We’re going up against 4th and 5th stringers.
Don’t blame me, blame the perfect amount of alcohol that blunts my inhibitions but leaves my wit untouched.
Yeah, I rarely find that balance these days.
*sigh*
A low ABV beer helps. If I were downing Double IPAs, I’d still think I was witty when I was really just sloppy and incoherent.
Oh yeah, Vikes/SeaTruthers replaying their playoffs derp classic! LIVE on NFLN!!! And for once my ex is handling morning cross country practice duty with the kid WOO!!!!
Oh dear lord, now I’m worried. Do I need to send a Wake Co Sheriff over later for a well check?
Or maybe just a hooker?
http://24.media.tumblr.com/c4b8f12016e305d4b6d36ae8d7c5d3af/tumblr_mkws36UgVu1ry10fwo1_400.gif
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r8Bl4Cnkm9s
Shaun Hill is still alive?
It’s on here, too!
I’m drinking a Dogfish Head saison made with bay leaves and lavender… it’s 8% and really herbal. Not sure if I enjoy it or just appreciate it as ‘different’, but I keep drinking it.
I’m also eating fresh apple sorbet my girlfriend made for her book club that she’s at (this was the extra). It’s like frozen homemade applesauce, which is pretty damn awesome on a hot day.
This reminds me of Revolution’s hibiscus-flavored beer. It’s herbal but also cloyingly sweet. Not their best offering.
I assumed this former Detroit QB was dead too but someone mentioned him earler so he is alive
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_EZrpEdc0ZQ
WOO SEAHAWKS WOO
/drinks
Factory/Falcons is the most Factory Factory that has ever been Factoried.
Trump: “Look, the people of Cleveland. They’re great. They’re making things in factories. Great things. Sad things. Do you know what else is sad? China. China is trying to make sadness in their factories. They’re taking our sadness factories! But let me tell you, nothing beats American sadness. Sadness made by Americans!”
Trump: “Back when America was great, we made sadness with our own hands. Big hands. Great hands. Like my hands. People will say my hands aren’t great. They’re haters! They had that my hands make the best sadness. Everyone loves the sadness my hands make.”
Yay! Backup Bengals!
This was left out of the Seahawks preview, but I’m very curious to see how Russel Wilson does this year now that his Magical Virgin Powers have been skeeted out of him now.
That reminds me, I’m still waiting for my official wizard wand.
I don’t understand why you want a ceramic copy of Russell Wilson’s dick. I guess I am ok with it but it is still weird.
There are roads even I fear to travel down.
Netherlands women vball is on. Good lord they are all so sexy.
That sounds enticing. I should be watching that.
Playing the Chinese, who I believe to be robots.
Continuing my not paying attention to the game I waited 7 months for. Enjoy a Cake song
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2uwjsG0cRf0&feature=related
Fuck it. Im leaving work 10 min early.
http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/at.gif
Do what I do: take a 10 minute break before you clock out.
Damn, the Raiders look like SHIT today.
Here you go. They baked you a cake.
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ot0-flgZr2g/S7ioxzVM3kI/AAAAAAAAAmw/qfCyLcIfDrw/s1600/Poop_Birthday_Cake+-+Copy.jpg
I never know when do read WYTS as I feel that the comment area needs time to produce.
Apparently, the comment area of the Colts’ edition caused me to hallucinate, which I’d say is some fucking great production.
I love preseason. The Bengals 11th-string WR scored two TDs last week, now he’s the latest “person to watch”.
@Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
A nice shot indeed
I can’t like: I definitely paused my TV to take a picture and then rewound it a few minutes later just to get another.
Er. Lie. I can’t lie.
I also can’t type.
MIA – Bad Girls. I might have gave up on my game
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2uYs0gJD-LE
Today reminded me that Bills fans are my favorite fan base because their tailgates are pretty much the modern world’s football-themed Bacchanalia.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UiM2_Va8h-k
I’d ask how any of those people go to work the next day but then I realized that “work” and the people in this video are probably two mutually exclusive ideas.
And that’s just one year!
Me: I’m just getting a glass of water. I’m trying to get rid of this migraine.
Opinionated Family Member: Migraines are debilitating. You seem okay to me.
So, does anyone know how to get rid of blood stains from carpet?
Club soda and lemon juice.
Nope. But if you soak all of your carpet in blood, no one will think it’s stained.
Club soda, new carpet, and a friend that can keep a secret.
HAI, migraine Eskimo Brother! There is a debilitating migraine atmospheric condition (kicked my ass and one twin here) that stretches all the way from NC to OH?? Maybe the chemtrails are real after all!!!
I think my migraine was caused by me getting only four hours of sleep and staying too long at the casino. My brain got tired.
Get a shovel and dig a hole big enough for a carpet wrapped around something.
My god this game is unwatchable. Eagles of Death Metal instead
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHY1xCl4Qak
Aren’t all pre season games unwatchable?
Dan Orlovsky is still around?
UCONN’s most successful football alumni.
Usain Bolt is fast.
http://66.media.tumblr.com/830cd1964832f5b7f944ab4a3ba9367e/tumblr_obxqqoJWaS1skeohxo1_400.gif
Something, something, Rule 34
Fucking man among zygotes.
http://66.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_kwb1tf2K4U1qafz1ao1_500.jpg
The men’s 200 metre final is about to ‘splode.
(predicting Grasse for 2nd)
WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP!
/DeGrasse is the future
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nCWcZifsvxg
Local Bears coverage is airing a package and the words “University of Regina” are being uttered repeatedly.
That reminds me of some fine KSK memories.
http://67.media.tumblr.com/7936a7417f994973e246518e3aac0af0/tumblr_o5tk7pjflc1row371o1_1280.jpg
It’s a actually a pretty neat piece.
But still… regina
That segment made me hate Kyle Long a little bit
Caleb Sturgis DNP: Punted Head