An office, deep in the semi-abandoned Walter Reed Annex National Park Seminary grounds….Doktor Zymm sits at a desk, Scot McCloughan enters

Doktor Zymm : Guten Tag Scot!  You are here to see das Dummkopf, ja?

Scot McCloughan : I figure I should at least check in with him, now that the season is almost here.  How is he?

Doktor Zymm : He ist secure.  I haf been feeding to him zee expired peanuts and zee toilet beer.  He thinks he is watching the pre-season games from Fed-Ex Field.

Scot McCloughan : That doesn’t sound like a very healthy diet…

DZ : You know I am not zee MEDICAL doktor, ja?  I am not constrained by the Hippo oath.

SM : Well, I suppose it’s all for the greater good.  He’s still down the hall?

DZ : Ja.  Herr Gruden is here to see him also.  Try to keep your time short, remember, if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

Scot leaves the office and walks down the hall.  He meets Jay Gruden in front of an ominous door…

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

Dan Snyder : Hi Guys!  Hi Scot!  Why isn’t RG3 starting?  Who’s that guy with you?

SM : Um…this is Jay Gruden?  Your head coach?  And RG3 is on the Browns now.

Dan Snyder : Jay Gruden?  I thought we hired the other one?  Oh well.  The Browns huh…so can we get that Manziel kid?  That would totes make Ol Jerry jealous!

Jay Gruden : We’re starting Kirk Cousins again.  Remember last season when he started?  We went 9-7 and won the division!  I’m a real football coach!

SM : Yes, Jay.  And we still have the receiving corps so you can run the one offense you know.  DeSean Jackson should be healthy, Jamison Crowder had a fine rookie year, Garcon is still in good form, and Jordan Reed can top em all when he’s healthy.  If we’re lucky, our #1 draft pick Doctson will heal up in time to keep the talent level high if anyone gets injured as the season goes on.

DS : Garcon is French for boy!  French words are funny.  Galette is a cake!  Garcon!  Bring me a Galette!

JG : That looks tasty!  Don’t we have some new guy on defense that’s got some Frenchy name?

SM : I think you mean Ricky Jean Francois.  We had Junior Galette, but his Achilles tendons are more fragile than Donald Trump’s ego…Even without him though, we’re okay on OLBs, hopefully Preston Smith will have a good season and get some of the double teams off Kerrigan.  It’s really ILBs we need to worry about.  Our starters played like crap last year, and we’ve only added our 2nd round draft pick Su’a Cravens.  He’s third on the depth chart right now, but he’s been playing well in the preseason.  If he can work his way up to starter, his history playing safety could mean he’ll be the only ILB we have who’s competent at dropping back into coverage and giving the secondary some help.

DS : Hey, how is DeAngelo Hall?  And I guess we’ve scrounged up some other guys to play Safety too?  I only got to sign one giant check this offseason, so disappointing, but I’m sure Josh Norman will be the biggest thing to hit DC since we landed Haynesworth!

JG : Nah, Josh’s not fat and while he’s been making some headlines he’s been super nice to me and all the guys!  He has his fun on the Twitter, but we like him in the locker room.  Good guy.

SM : If Josh Norman lives up to his promise, and Breeland can maintain the improvements he made last year, they should make a tough team at corner, picking up Kendall Fuller means there’s even some depth at corner.  DeAngelo will be playing Safety this year, and with the hybrid pattern-match system our DC is implementing this year I think this group will see much more success in defending the pass than past units.

DS : Pattern match?  That sounds like some sewing thing.  Did you see the quilt some fans sent me!  The fans love me because I’m one of them!  Also I’ll sue them if they don’t!

JG : (whispers to SM) We aren’t actually going to try and explain defensive schemes to him, are we?

SM : (whispering back) Oh dear God no.  Just smile and nod.

DS : Hey guys!  I just had the best idea!  Let’s build the new stadium on top of Arlington National Cemetery!  We can have a seance and I can hire ghosts to play for us!  I heard that if you burn money then ghosts can use the ghost money to buy ghost stuff!  Do you think that would count against the salary cap?

SM : I think we better be going Danny.  Didn’t you have some scheme to save money on maintaining the turf you wanted to work on?

DS : Oh yeah!  I got this awesome idea from that Trump guy, I’m gonna file for H-2B visas and replace all the grounds crew with cheap immigrants!

Dan Snyder writes up visa applications in crayon and tries to stuff them into a disconnected fax machine as Jon and Scot slowly back out of the room.

JG : Man, it seems kind of cruel to lock him away like that, but I’ll admit it has made being Head Coach of a Real Football Team in the NFL way easier.  And it’s nice of Zymm to let him watch the games.

SM : We might have to pump in reruns of the ’91 season to keep him calm.  The team is better this year, but it’s still going to be a tough season.  Our backfield hasn’t improved, and we’ll see if the run defense can hold up to the backfield the Cowboys have built.  We can’t count on the entire NFC East collapsing every year.  All of our division opponents should be tougher this season, and we have a division winner’s schedule to boot.  Our strength of schedule looks like it falls in the middle, but that’s mostly because of the utter suckitude of the NFC East last year.  The out of division schedule is pretty brutal.  Really, the only two gimmes on the schedule are the Browns and the Lions, and that Browns game is going to be really annoying with the RG3 revenge game narrative that’ll be plastered everywhere.  We should be able to fight out a couple of tough wins, but I think it’ll be an 8-8 year, maybe 2nd in the division.