YEEEAAAHHHHH BOOOYYYEEEEE! I AM SO FREAKIN’ PUMPED FOR THIS GAME! (it’s midnight somewhere, right?) And I don’t even have a dog in this fight. I imagine Bronc/Panthers fans have spent the day peeling themselves from various ceilings much to the consternation of their co-workers/loved ones/friends. I liken this feeling to when I was younger and anticipated playing in a championship baseball or basketball game-giddy and excited and revelling in the anticipation itself.
Sure there’s a shit-ton of detritus that surrounds the sport and there’s no need for me to go on about it here. We tackle that shit on an on-going basis the same way that a certain coach from Kansas City tackles the “All You Can Eat And Rub On Your Face Innards Special” at The Offal House. There’s…Just…Something…About…This…Game. Whatever it may be, it is my master tonight. TO THE GAME!
Panthers/Broncos: There’s tons of hand-wringing out there in Denver fandom about this Siemian fella. The qb’s CV is thinner than the audience at an “Anne Coulter Appreciation Night”. He’s got all of three quarters of exhibition play under his not-onion belt. No one seems to know anything solid about his arm strength but he is said to be a fan of the slant route but crap, what qb in the league isn’t? Kubiak, a big fan of the Northwestern grad, and the coaching staff will do their best to keep Trevor (Trevor? Who names their kid Trevor?) out of 3rd and long spots because that talented Panther lb crew will be jumping those slant routes looking for an easy pick-six. In useless stat news, Denver has won 15 of their last 16 home openers.
Possessor of 16 career sacks, dt Kawaan Short is only 121.5 short of the record at his position. My money says he doesn’t get it tonight. Cam has a paltry 11.1 QBR vs. Denver in two meetings and Von Miller aims to drive that rating down even lower. In related news, Michael Oher’s ears are burning. Wr’s Funchess and Benjamin have to be the biggest pair in the league, right? No, I don’t acknowledge the existence of one year wonder Ted Ginn Jr., thanks for not asking. Both teams are relatively injury-free right now although I just learned that wr Bennie Fowler is out. Thing is, I don’t know which team he plays for.
And there you have it-one of the most comprehensive, salient, insightful game intros that you’ve ever just read. Of course you’re welcome! NOW LET’S TEAR THIS PLACE UP!*
*in an orderly, respectful manner
I bet this makes Jim Nantz super cheesed off that CBS lost the Thursday night deal.
They should sell ad space on Peyton’s head.
PeyPey is such a shill he would take money from the PornHub network up there with implanted LED display.
“So, Peyton, do you think you deserved that ring at all, or will you quietly give it back and apologize for nearly costing he team a shot at the playoffs?”
Every time I see the “Can you hear me now” guy I just think his life is a lot tougher because he has to convince people “No I’m not Jared from Subway”
C>\MANNINGBOT RUN: PITHY BANTER PROGRAM
Cris Collinsworth has such a massive boner right now.
Want to make a vinaigrette but my only whisk is dirty…
That was a whos who of over-promoted players
Cris is going to give PeyPey a blowjob on live air, isn’t he?
They’re bringing in Peyton. God no.
No Lily ads so far.
http://www.adweek.com/files/imagecache/node-blog/blogs/milana-vayntrub-yahoo-hed-2016.jpg
Me sad.
Yes, this is horseshit. Fuck Sprint.
http://photos.imageevent.com/afap/wallpapers/stars/beautifulpeople/milanavayntrub/Milana%20Vayntrub%20–%20ATT-4.jpg
Here ya go.
MANNINGBOT_BOOTH_ALT_APP engage
Oh for fucks sake
Can’t wait for Peyton… He’s gonna plug the new strap-on promotion for Papa John’s
The only Papa John’s product not made of cardboard.
Are the comment page limits shorter or are we just tearing shit up?
http://41.media.tumblr.com/2bb1f2b882ce6cc9913b43da8e03bf14/tumblr_nd1up0FOR61tsn08go1_1280.jpg
Peyton will never go away will he?
Never. He will outlive us all, and a millennia in the future be pissing off his cockroach overlords.
Holy FUCKBALLS Andy Lee
Commentists I just had a really bad thought, play by play with Costas waxing poetic about Bleergh knows what and Collinsworth doing colour for aGreen Bay v New England game.
Whole game would be nothing but gagging and slurping noises interspersed with the occasional satiated sigh.
FAKE PUNT BEYOTCH
At halftime Ron Rivera told me, “You know, I always wanted to fuck Michel Foucault, Michele. That bastard passed before I could though. OH yeah, we’ll do some adjustments and shit like that, too.”
Sure you like the Panther run game now but just wait until they replace Jonathan Stewart with Trevor Noah.
Alright…I think I need 12 more field goals by Gano for the fantasy team…let’s make this happen….
The bunch formation was so effective in the Super Bowl that the Panthers actually lost the game.
Hey kids, I’m out. Love all you guys/girls.
/see you Sunday
Quitter
Bastard.
Stewart just seems to fold in on himself with every bit of contact.
It’s funny if there was a running back I’d associate with paper it would actually be LeVeon Bell.
http://41.media.tumblr.com/ab2b0fea09d19419e7aed7b84469b18c/tumblr_nk1rjmDMvu1u5do86o1_500.jpg
Michelle…meh, I would
Can we pay someone to stuff Costas inside the super hadron collider?
We can just make Horatio share his locker.
Sister Sparrow and the Dirty Birds is good halftime report ignoring music
My wife, in the other room doing her expense report, hears Costas and says, “Christ, they’re still talking about Brady? Give me a break.”
http://40.media.tumblr.com/2ea481ba310f7f13540cec037c7f61bc/tumblr_nj0bk1Zknj1szx6t3o1_1280.jpg
http://media.giphy.com/media/cq0EoKupUIHII/giphy.gif
What’s up, dicknuts? NFL season is finally here, and the goddamned cable is out.
Hey WCS!!
AHEM
http://stream.nbcsports.com/snf/index_kickoff.html?pid=27007
Stillers extended DeCastro, so that’s good.
Rabbit ears that shit.
On Sunday, the NFL will commemorate 9/11 the only way it knows how: by showering FDNY members in NFL-approved confetti laced with asbestos.
I used to really like Motley Crue, then I realized they didn’t make any good albums after 1984.
So at 9:13pm everyone said the same thing about Bob Costas and Tom Brady… does that mean they are now the Pope of DFO?
I am so damned glad that I don’t get the halftime report on the nbc stream.
I clicked it off just in case. No need to take chances.
Bob Costas probably thinks he’s a modern day Walter Cronkite.
More like Crank It EEHHHHHH!!!!
I’ll be here all game
If Goodell forced the Cardinals to trade Larry Fitzgerald to the Patriots, I think I’d be cool with Dave Hitler and that dude Gisele likes to peg every once in a while winning a 5th title if Fitz got his.
If the NFL Commissioner could force teams to get rid of players because they are wasting their talents, Megatron and Barry Sanders would’ve been freed long before they got Lioned.
New England Patriots: Cunt franchise or Cuntiest Franchise?
Yes.
Yes.
Hey! Don’t defame cunts by associating them with the Patriots!
Jimmy Garps more handsome than Brady. What say you?
Thank god for the hockey thingy for making me miss Brady shit from Costas
one more beer?
I’m amazed Costas can still stand on that soap box and fellate Brady at the same time but it seems he’s really that short.
It’s all in the seams
Who had “fellating Tom Brady” in the “Bob Costas meaningless rant pool”?
My wife is cursing out NBC for all the Brady coverage.
She a keeper.
OH FUCK YOU BOB COSTAS AND YOUR BULLSHIT BRADY COCKSUCKING
Goddammit. Can’t make it one game without a Patriots comment eh?
BURN IT! BURN IT TO THE GROUND!
Costas talking about Ballghazi? I NEVER!
That commercial where the father and son talk about football reminds me of my father saying he’s done with the Bengals. He only has a few years left. Thank you, Bengals, for taking that previous few moments with my father away from me.
Who had Costas would be talking about Brady?