2 WEEKS AGO – INTERIOR – COLIN KAEPERNICK’S BAY AREA HOME
[COLIN KAEPERNICK is on the phone with his AGENT and is clearly very upset]
KAEPERNICK: Absolutely not! I won’t do it!
AGENT: But Colin, if you don’t, he’ll cut you from the team. He’s been trying to since day one! And you know how the rest of the League has responded to all this. You’ll never get a chance to play again.
KAEPERNICK: That can’t be true! I helped take this team to a Super Bowl! Sure, things haven’t been great lately, but I can still play! Someone will take a chance on me!
AGENT: Colin, if you are cut for Christian Ponder… Do I even need to finish that statement?
[KAEPERNICK buries his face in his hands and audibly sighs]
KAEPERNICK: Once. I will do it ONE. TIME.
AGENT: Thank you for seeing reason. I will have it sent over tonight.
KAEPERNICK: I’m burning it when we’re through.
AGENT: That’s fine, just one thing…
AGENT: You have to sell it.
THE NEXT DAY – INTERIOR – CHIP KELLY’S OFFICE AT THE 49ERS PRACTICE FACILITY
CHIP KELLY: …then there’s the Muscovy, Mallard, Magpie, Mandarin and Mulard, not to be confused with the Mallard. Did you get all of those?
CHRISTIAN PONDER: Sure did, Coach! In fact, I already read ahead, and know that the Mulard is a hybrid of the Muscovy and Pekin breeds!
KELLY: Ah, Christian, you continue to impress me. And with a fine name like that… It represents such strength, unity, blinding purity…
PONDER: High praise from you, Coach! I’m just happy to be a part of the team, even if I am backing up our starting quarterback.
KELLY: Yes, well, that hasn’t officially been decided yet. But between you and me…
[There is a loud series of knocks at the office door]
KELLY: [Clearly irritated] What?! What is it?! I am in the middle of mentoring a fine, young, malleable mind to quarterback my top collegiate system!
[DOOR FLIES OPEN]
KAEPERNICK: Aloha, Coach!
KELLY: [Furious] Colin! Can’t you read?! The sign on the door clearly says…!
[KELLY’S expression suddenly softens]
KAEPERNICK: Oh, I’m so sorry, Coach. I was at a luau last night and didn’t realize I was so late. I must still be running on island time! [Chuckles] You know how it goes.
KELLY: [Flustered] Yes! Well… Be that as it may…
PONDER: What in the hell…?
KELLY: Christian! Would you be so kind as to give us a moment?
PONDER: Yes, of course Coach!
[PONDER gets up and quickly exits, shooting daggers at KAEPERNICK, who casually sits in his vacant chair]
KELLY: Well Colin, there’s something, different about you… It’s really… Suddenly a lot of things are starting to make sense.
KAEPERNICK: [Coyly, hiding a grin] What ever do you mean, Coach?
KELLY: I know this is a personal question, but, if you don’t mind… Are you… You know… [Mouths the word “Ha-waii-an“]
KAEPERNICK: My people have endured a lot of hardship. I don’t really like to talk about it among… [Grimaces] Haoles.
KELLY: I completely understand. [Pauses] So, is this why you sat during the National Anthem last week?
KAEPERNICK: It’s, part of the reason. You know, a lot of Latin, and African Americans…
KAEPERNICK: AND, uh, Hawaiian, Americans…?
KAEPERNICK: …really feel like more can be done to reduce violence in their communities, and I am just trying to bring awareness to that fact. I mean no disrespect to our troops or the freedoms they fight for. This isn’t about them at all. I just think that we as a country can and should do better.
KELLY: You know, Colin, you really remind me of someone. I took a chance on him, despite some of my “tendencies,” and, well, I wouldn’t be where I am today without him.
KAEPERNICK: Does that mean…?
KELLY: Well, that depends. [Jots down “Can 3 QBs be on the field at the same time? Ask Jedd.” on notepad]
KAEPERNICK: [Sighs] Well, Coach, I know you asked me this on your first day here…
KAEPERNICK: And I’ve been thinking about it…
KAEPERNICK: And if you want to call me… Quack-ernick, when it’s just the two of us… [Throws up in his mouth a little]
KELLY: Oh Colin! You’ve made me so happy! [Pulls out phone and sends a quick text] Or should I say, QUACK-ernick!
[KAEPERNICK grabs a nearby trash can and violently vomits into it]
KELLY: Too much fun at the luau last night?
[KAEPERNICK wipes his mouth and barely manages a weak grin]
KELLY: Not a problem. Now, tell me everything that you learned, in college…
Meanwhile, in Nashville…
[MARCUS MARIOTA sits down at a table in a fine restaurant with RODNEY HARRISON]
MARCUS MARIOTA: Aloha, Mr. Harrison!
RODNEY HARRISON: Please, Marcus. Just call me Rodney.
MARIOTA: Aloha, Rodney. To what do I owe the pleasure of this lunch invitation?
HARRISON: Well, Marcus, as one of the analysts on Sunday Night Football, I wanted to get to know a young rising star such as yourself. With the, er, state, of your division, the Titans could very well be contending for the AFC South title this year. Down the stretch I am hoping that maybe we can flex one of your games into our lineup, and…
[MARIOTA’S phone quacks twice]
HARRISON: Please, don’t mind me.
MARIOTA: Sorry… [Glances at phone]
MARIOTA: Huh. Did you know that Colin Kaepernick is Hawaiian?
HARRISON: You don’t say…
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