[int: Los Angeles office building]
Dr. Drew’s Agent: Look, Drew. I know the last few months have been rough and I’m trying my best to get you work, but it’s not easy. Your brand isn’t exactly great right now and working out a long-term deal on something is going to require some patience.
Dr. Drew Pinsky: I know, but I’ve been in this town for 30 years. There has to be someone willing to throw me a bone. What about something with Carolla?
Agent: Really? You want to pair up with that Brillo-haired, low-rent Stern after his rambling about the New World Order? Why don’t I just book you to go shirtless and tomato-faced with Alex Jones to read anti-Hillary memes for two hours?
Dr. Drew: Fine. You come up with something better.
Agent: I have an idea. It’s a stop gap and I know you’re probably not going to like it, but it’s the best I can do short-term. You were at your best when you put helping the young people first and I think your brand needs to reconnect with its roots: You need to revive Loveline.
Dr. Drew: What?! No, I just quit that. They weren’t even paying me! And I can’t do it alone.
Agent: That won’t be an issue. I’ve got someone lined up and I have a good feeling he’s the type of partner that will get people excited about you again.
Dr. Drew: And what makes you think I even want to go back into taking calls and dispensing advice again?
Agent: Because you’re a horrible narcissist and wannabe media whore who likes judging people, can’t get any other work, and while being morally bankrupt would prefer not to be financially bankrupt?
Dr. Drew: … When do I start?
Agent: As soon as you meet your new co-host.
[door flies open]
Sex Cannon: Hola, muchachos.
Dr. Drew: Hi, I’m Dr. Drew Pinksy. I’m guess I have to look forward to working with you.
Sex Cannon: Well Doc, I’ll be honest, this isn’t my first choice either. Even though my cannon is as loaded and powerful as ever, I have to accept my football playing days are probably behind me. It’s time to erect a new career. I’m still as tumescent and engorged as ever and it would be a damned crime if I didn’t share my encyclopedia knowledge of the erotic arts to the wet, receptive, quivering minds of America’s youth.
Plus, I need the cash after blowing all my pesos and my wad on those donkey shows in Tijuana and this kills time until some desperate team comes calling for me make their team sexy again. I’m thinking the Rams. Their “Ram it!” campaign really speaks to me.
Dr. Drew: Ah, yes. The Rams are a hot mess who might even take you. Well, until then, let’s make the best of this.
[cut to booth, Producer signals to Dr. Drew, mics fly open]
Dr. Drew: Welcome to the new Loveline, everyone. I’m Dr. Drew Pinsky, board certified physician and addiction medicine specialist. I’d like to introduce my new partner making his radio debut: former NFL quarterback and [squints to read notes] cosmopolitan coital connoisseur… I think I read that right even though I’m sure it’s not a real thing… Rex Grossman.
Sex Cannon: It’s a pleasure, Doc. And please, call me Sex Cannon.
Dr. Drew: [chuckles] That’s a decent on-air name.
Sex Cannon: On-air name?
[awkward pause]
Dr. Drew: Well, moving on, I think we all know the format. You call in with your questions about love, sex, and relationships, and we’ll dispense some sort of advice. So, let’s do that. Dave, you’re 19. What’s your question?
Caller Dave: Uh… hi. Well, I was, uh, looking my dick [snickers] and I noticed little, uh, bumps on it. I think it’s an STD and I’m scared my girlfriend will freak out when she notices them. What do I do?
Dr. Drew: Ah, well, what do the bumps look like? It’s not always the case that they’re an STI. There are several completely benign conditions that—
Sex Cannon: Doc, I’ll handle this one. Look, buddy, you can’t get nervous about this like this. So what? You’ve got some bumps. We all do, even Drewsky here.
Dr. Drew: Well, actually I-
Sex Cannon: Just tell her you’re ribbed for her pleasure. You’ll get a nice laugh and she’ll splash the sheets from the extra simulation. Trust me, I’m ribbed *and* studded down there.
Dr. Drew: Well, Rex—Sex—whatever the hell I’m supposed to call you, I wouldn’t be some cavalier about STIs. While a lot of them are just chronic annoyances, some can cause serious health complications.
Sex Cannon: Oh, trust me. I know. I have them.
Dr. Drew: Excuse me? Which STI do you have?
Sex Cannon: All of them.
Dr. Drew: What?! How is that even possible? How are you alive?!
Sex Cannon: So, funny story. I went to the doctor and got an exam—loved the med tech who took my blood for those tests by the way. Ever bang in an X-ray machine? It’s great, best sex idea I ever stole. Plus, I learned there’s something called good cholesterol. Who knew you could believe what you see on TV? Anyway, the doctors were totally stumped at first but they figured out that somehow when you catch all of the STDs they counteract one another perfectly so you don’t show any symptoms. I call it “shooting the moon” and let me tell you, if there’s one thing Sex Cannon knows, it’s how to win all the ladies’ hearts!
Dr. Drew: [stunned silence]
Sex Cannon: And vaginas. Mostly vaginas really. With huge jets of jizz.
Dr. Drew: …
Sex Cannon: But I’m sure you can to the heart through the vagina. Especially if you’re Mandingo. I met him once. Now that man knew how to unleash the dragon! That was a hell of an orgy. Too bad those nuns threw us out.
Dr. Drew: I-I… look, we’ve gotten off topic. Dave, be sure to use condoms and get STI tests on a regular basis if you’re sexually active.
Sex Cannon: And get to know the receptionist. She’ll always find a space for you. [nudges Dr. Drew]
Dr. Drew: I think we need to change gears here and go for a question that’s a little… less explicit. Ah! This call looks good. A caller wants to know how to ask a girl to prom. That’s sweet. Marco? You’re on Loveline.
[dead air]
Dr. Drew: Marco? You there?
Caller: [sound of scrambling to pick up phone] Yes… This is Mark…0. Marko. That’s my name. That’s definitely my name.
Dr. Drew: …okay. You have a question about asking a girl to prom.
Caller Marko: Yeah. She’s so hot, definitely the hottest girl in the whole school, but I’m so nervous. I’ll bet all the guys want to ask her out and I want to be the one she picks.
Sex Cannon: Well, you’ve gotta just go for it. No hesitation. Doesn’t matter if she’s surrounded by three guys trying to get to her first. Doesn’t matter if the OC is furious on the sidelines telling you that you didn’t run the play right. Be confident. Your confidence is a dragon. UNLEASH it. Trust me, it always works for me.
Caller Marko: Yeah…okay I think I know you what you mean. I can try that. I just don’t want to embarrass myself like that one Thanksgiving when I was running and slipped and fell right into my friend’s ass and dropped everything and EVERYONE was watching on national TV and…
Dr. Drew: National TV? What? I’m confused.
Caller “Marko”: Uhhhhhhh… OH GOD I THINK I HEAR MY MOM I GOTTA GO.
[line goes dead]
Dr. Drew: Well that was odd. I’ve dealt with a lot of fake callers but that one was weird even by my standards.
Sex Cannon: I dunno. Sounded like a good kid. Reminds me a lot of myself.
Dr. Drew: …ah. Actually that makes sense.
[hears a thump under the table; a woman crawls out from underneath and runs out of the room]
Dr. Drew: What the hell was that?!
Sex Cannon: Impromptu BJ. I get them like three times a week. The receptionist insisted.
Dr. Drew: What? You can’t do that while on the air!
Sex Cannon: Hahaha… what are you going to say next? That I can’t get BJs while driving? Or while flying a plane? Or in a convent? You’re funny, Doc. I think we’ll be great together.
Dr. Drew: [rubs temples] Christ. I’m better than this.
Radio Producer (through headphones): Are you?
Dr. Drew: …
http://f1.pepst.com/c/B0280B/651464/ssc3/home/087/kamapichasi.part2/albums/10jd_animated_penis_dance.gif_480_480_0_64000_0_1_0.gif
“I’m just sitting here in my lingerie thinking about the Holocaust.”
Adam got his dumb callers to repeat some stupid, stupid shit (this was from around 2002-03) He also had a great line when Josh Jackson was on about a caller from a Carolina who wasn’t answering when they put him on the air. “He’s from North Carolina, he’s so stupid he probably doesn’t realize he called.”
I hadn’t thought of that line in years.
And yes, mocking dumb callers was good fun usually.
This is much better than the real thing, which is currently hosted by Amber Rose and some dork doctor
I have nothing funny or intelligent to say, just posting something so you know I read and loved it.
“Agent: Because you’re a horrible narcissist and wannabe media whore who likes judging people, can’t get any other work, and while being morally bankrupt would prefer not to be financially bankrupt?”
Love. This.
And thanks for bringing Sex Cannon back into our dreary lives. (IT’S CLOUDY HERE WTF)
http://image.spreadshirtmedia.com/image-server/v1/compositions/2168924/views/1,width=280,height=280,appearanceId=1,version=1440417743.png/sex-cannon-orange-lite-tee_design.png
Something with caller “Ray Butler” please.
I remember the old Loveline with Dr. Drew and Poorman.
” Caller Mike from LA Puente!”
Fun fact, Jimmy Kimmel used to be the sports guy on the Kevin and Bean show on KROQ prior to whatever he’s doing now.
Man, I remember when Poorman and Richard Blade did the morning show in KROQ before Kevin and Bean!
Anyone remember Dusty Streets?
Sounds familiar. I used to alternate between KROQ and KNAC back then. I remember that Dr. Drew always hated, and probably still does, Sluggo. Sluggo used to announce him as Dr. Screw and it pissed him off something fierce.
Oddly, Kimmel, the doughiest and seemingly least interesting one, has ended up with the most success (hosts his own late night gig) and best reputation.
I’m also happy to see so many people who know and remember Loveline because I can make show-specific jokes and people will get them.
I actually liked his Cosby joke. I mean, it wasn’t the funniest thing in the world but I don’t understand the internet backlash over it accept to point out ‘slacktivism’ — which, by the way, I am all for. If these pissed off people actually did something about their concerns, I’d be in a bad place.
The fuck you got against doughy people?
Remember when Timothy Olyphant used to call in to do the sports on 103.1?
“Could you please page my brother Ben? Yes a Mr. Dover coma Ben. It’s an emergency about his refrigerator. Thank you.”
“Mike Hunt?”
DRACARYS.
I’m waiting for the oral surgeon (heh heh… surgeon) to look at my wisdom teeth and I’m pretty sure I just got a look from a couple people in the waiting room regarding my stifled laughter.
Someone tell Rappoccio we’ve reclaimed our birthright.
Dr. Drew is the fucking worst. I’m surprised he didn’t think Sexy Rexy was sexually abused as a child.
He only does that to female callers.
Want a clit ring? You were abused!
Want a threesome? You were abused!
High-pitched voice? You were abused!
The best part about writing this now is that I basically trash Drew with impunity because he’s already destroyed his own reputation.
I loved it. I hope it becomes a recurring post.
I already have two more thought out but not fully fleshed out. I have a lot of old kharacters to work with.
Bra-fucking-vo!!!
Maybe you could go through the list of Mark-os with, shall we say, “issues”.
I think Mark-o is too scared he’ll drop the phone right into someone’s ass if he calls again.
Poor, Mark-o.
POLO
POLLO
Also; he’s totally against butt stuff, swinging, B&D, and other enjoyments by consenting adults that he doesn’t deem “normal,” but at least he is a real doctor. The only time I ever enjoyed him was when he was the unwitting straight man to Adam Corolla, both of them are useless now. The lone exception was “Girls on Trampolines.”
HAWT TAEK ALURT!
I once thought that fame had screwed him up, but when it came out that the makers of Wellbutrin, a drug Drew pimped frequently on air, paid him a bit more than a quarter million bucks back in the 1990’s, I pretty much had to accept he was a hack from the get go.
Not quite “Dr.” Oz level, but close enough.