Your “Punch (and Beer and Scotch and Martini) Drunk” Late Afternoon Football Open Thread

Don’t you just love flurstbulb? Gspecially when they plat in Londern and you can trink all blay long. WHOO! P! 2 TA BLAMES!!@X!!!!!!!!!!

Den/TB-Believe it or not, rb Doug “I’m super healthy this year, honest!” Martin is out for this one. The Broncos counter with de Ware being de-sidelined. This one’s a wash. For you fantasy dudes, take a close look at rb Sims for Tampa-not the best of matchups but he’ll get a ton of touches. Yes, it’s only 3 weeks in but wr Evans is trending towards 1600 yards and 16 TD’s. I’d go with 1300 and 11 if he’s solved his dropsy problem. Trevor “I’ll try hard not to lose the game” Siemian has acquitted himself better than most folks expected. Of course that D gives him quite a bit of leeway.

LA/Zona-The Rams have won 2 in a row? [looks at standings] Yup. HC Fisher is that co-worker that does just enough to not get fired when upper management is eyeballing him. I hate those guys! Plus, he probably doesn’t cut his nose hairs. Last week the Cards could have crushed Rex Ryan’s chances of coaching the rest of the year but instead chose to fold like a Walmart-purchased deck chair. The chances of each of these squads returning to form this week are very good.

NO/SD-“Don’t You Forget About Me.”-Both Team’s D

Simple minds like yours truly want to the see the world and both of these D’s burn. Let’s have a 53-48 “this is what you really want, Goodell” final score.

Dal/SF-The Dez has a hairline fracture and didn’t show up to his MRI apparently. What the hell do you want Jerry? THE GUY MAJORED IN DRAMA!* (*may not be even remotely true) If you’re in a PPR league you’re in love with a little Beasley. Qb Gabbert is getting it done in the “Start Kaep” department-his 5.5 yards per attempt is last among starting QB’s. As a Giant flan, (and who doesn’t love an over-sized flan?) I’m hoping that the Niners steal this one but there may not be enough smoke and mirrors in California to pull it off and that’s saying something. What am I trying to say? Nothing.

Now, my sweet, sweet monkeys, GET GOING!

 

 

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Doktor Zymm

It’s funny. Kuhn just scored a TD for the Saints, and no one is chanting ‘KUHHHHN’

Spur

LETS FUCKING GO ZEKE!!!!!!!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I love this passive aggressive thing aimed at me by DTZM

“To see YouTube links or your precious This Is Great button, please refresh the page.”

It makes me smile every time

Col. Duke LaCross

Fuck John Kuhn with a rusty garden weasel.

King Hippo

it’s raining KUHNS!!!!!

/no ofence

Doktor Zymm

Hey, look! Some people still do the guy holding a ‘D’ and a guy holding a ‘FENCE’ thing!

Haha, that guy’s holding a ‘D’

Spur

I say this every year but I want the sad Fox injury music to be played on loop at my funeral.

Horatio Cornblower

Bowman’s sitting up which is good because my first thought on that replay is that is Achilles tendon wasn’t attached to anything anymore.

Spur

that don’t look good for Bowman

Doktor Zymm

Hey, Tim Hightower is still around! There have been so many ex-[*Redacted] running backs, it’s nice to catch a glimpse every once in a while. They should have a club!

blaxabbath

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Horatio Cornblower

I’m starting to kind of want to see The Accountant and I know I’m going to wind up renting it and when I regret wasting the following two hours I want you all to remind me that I knew this was coming and am an idiot.

New School Zero

I say we liveblog it.

...

I half-watched London Has Fallen knowing it would be jingoistic violence porn, so I know what you’re feeling.

Doktor Zymm

You know, if it sucks, you don’t have to keep watching.

New School Zero

Tell that to Bears fans.

ArmedandHammered

That is what I thought would happen with John Wick but I enjoyed the hell out of that movie.

Gratliff

It was Cowboy Bebop meets Payback. It was so good.

Doktor Zymm

Southwest : The Least Lifesucking of the Discount Airlines

Romonobyl

Sean Lee isn’t dead yet?

Spur

Can you imagine having Sean Lee and Luke Kuechly on the same team?

New School Zero

For those of you who were confused by the lack of Chargers derps, we now resume our regular programming.

Doktor Zymm

“Teams that have battled injuries, and mistakes”
So….EVERY GODDAMN TEAM EVER?

Gratliff

Jesus fuck, Cards

...

Happy St. Louis Cardinals Schadenfreude Day, everyone!

Doktor Zymm

No one cares about your based ball. THERE IS FOOTBALL ON.

Senor Weaselo

Madison Bumgarner god mode activate for the wild card game! Please?

Moonbatting Average

It’s the second most wonderful time of the year

...

It’s baseball’s Patriots Schadenfreude Day with lots of Midwestern faux-humility mixed in!

Spur

Go for it

Horatio Cornblower

Agreed. Worst case Blaine Gabbert takes over at the 50.

Romonobyl

Elliot is an easy two yards…bad call.

Spur

Zeke is power.

...

Going from hearing Vin Scully for the last time to hearing Harold Fucking Reynolds is some kind of auditory cruelty I don’t even the Germans have a word for.

Spur

It’s the Red River Shootout not Showdown you weenie PC fucks.

blaxabbath

Hey! The only gunslingers the NFL wants to talk about include [small penis pic joke]!

Doktor Zymm

After years of tying horses with quick-release knots, I now automatically tie my bathrobe the same way.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I was being too friendly with Zymm, she continues to kick my ass at FF so I don’t like her

Doktor Zymm

You’ve caught up loads, it’s in no way decided. Cam went all concussiony, and I thought it would be awesome to sit Will Fuller despite having a good feeling that he was gonna do all sorts of awesome shit….yeah, Melvin is solid, but who the fuck knows what will happen with the Minny D? Defenses are never guaranteed points.

Spur

That’s the Gabbert throw I know!

Horatio Cornblower

Right after Aikman got done saying that Gabbert could make any throw he needed to.

As long as it needed to bounce twice before getting to the receiver.

Doktor Zymm

Does Ferragamo make bathrobes? If I ever accidentally end up at a red carpet gala I’m gonna need a statement piece.

Romonobyl

Who?
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Romonobyl

Will this be remembered as the year of the horrible defense?
Refer to the early slate of games results.

Horatio Cornblower

Apparently it was not that the Cowboys’ D was much improved last week so much as it was that the Bears are really bad at football.

Gratliff

Are the Niners doing the Zack Ryder chant after every catch?

blaxabbath

Case Keenum needed like a four step windup to get off a 40 yard throw.

Bortleback

I would have expected him to need to use a catapult or trebuchet

Doktor Zymm

I was about to celebrate the Skins being at .500 when I realized that’s a pathetic thing to celebrate. I’m going to celebrate something else instead. Like this lovely ice that my ice maker made! Or the fact that I’m gonna do very little at work tomorrow! SHOTS!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Celebrate the ice. I love having ice and miss having it right next to me

Spur

Jesus this is a long halftime break.

Senor Weaselo

I took a shower, watched the end of the Yankees season, and now Paxton Lynch is playing QB? What happened?

Romonobyl

WE TOLD YOU NOT TO TAKE A SHOWER!!!!!!!

Unsurprised
...

This is pretty much the caliber of content on CNN nowadays.

Beerguyrob

Dear god,

Family Day is death. I missed the morning due to brunch. Now you have taken the afternoon due to “sightseeing”.

Please smite my relatives. I can always find new in-laws.

Yours,

Beerguyrob

Doktor Zymm

This is exactly the situation where contacts with a little screen in the corner that automatically shows all football would be useful. Until that comes to pass, sorry, sucks to be you. Maybe you can talk them into dinner somewhere that’s showing the game?

blaxabbath

Also, has Pagano been fired yet or is there no communication with the Drug Force One while it’s crossing the Atlantic?

Bortleback

First Irsay wants to see if he gets through customs with the bags of pills he gave him

Doktor Zymm

Oh! That’s why you were talking about Lady Gaga!

blaxabbath

I hope Gaga uses the halftime show as an opportunity to burn an American flag or make some other over the top protesty statement off-script.

Bortleback

Like doing the entire halftime show from her knees? Giggedy……

herodotus450

Jim Johnson now pitching for the Braves. How does he find the time, what with being a NASCAR driver, former head football coach/talking head, and sandwich shop entrepreneur?

Unsurprised

Does he also still sell dick growing pills?

Senor Weaselo

In fairness, it’s the Braves.

New School Zero

I haven’t seen a Gordon flip out like that since Agent Cole talked to Shelley Johnson in the RR Diner.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I gotta go cook some food.
Later taters.

Doktor Zymm

Cheers, beers

theeWeeBabySeamus

You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose.

(just wait ’til Christmas when I start quoting the Grinch…hee hee)

blaxabbath

I can’t think of any coaches who lost weight and got better.

Arians needs to eat himself to a heart attack if he wants to salvage this season.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

How is McCluster still in the league. I picked him up in a few leagues a couply years back as a backup that I always thought would become good but never did

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

couple*

blaxabbath

Eddie Lacy is very likable in that commercial.

The Maestro

They really should’ve called this show with Joe Buck “NO ONE DENIES THIS!”

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I am 12 minutes into an Opera that got paused so I could listen to my dad talk about the Ryder cup for 10 min. Back to bugging Zymm. What did you wear for your night out? New shoes that sucked, we know that. How elegant did you look on your night out?

Doktor Zymm

This is the dress. The shoes that sucked match. Red velvet jacket, with matching brooch, that’s about it.
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Romonobyl

And the bow in the hair?

Spur

Where’s Lady Gaga?

Doktor Zymm

FORWARD FUCKING PROGRESS. Doesn’t apply to actual fucking.

Unsurprised
Bortleback

So why are the Saints so damn bad at tackling? Do they have reverse-bounties for missed tackles?

John Difool

Thou shall not touch another man as thou would touch a woman?

Unsurprised

I didn’t know Antonio Dungerson replaced Rob Ryan

Spur

Joe Buck is going to cream his pants talking about baseball during “our” football.

Lothar of the Hill People

I would vote for Vin Scully for President before I’d vote for Trump.

blaxabbath

What if it were Scully v Clinton?

...

Scully would win every debate by seamlessly interweaving insightful points on policy with endearing stories about the 1988 Dodgers.

Spur

I miss Pat Summerall

John Difool

You and me both.