Your “Heeeeeeee’s Baaaaaaaack!” Sunday Afternoon NFL Open Thread

Today has the makings of a memorable day, doesn’t it? So much going on! [sounds of enthusiastic slurping can be heard in background] NFL meal-ticket and Orange Wonder-supporter, Tahmmy Boy returns under center, baseball playoffs throughout the day and a debate of some sort later on this evening. [slurping sound grows louder] Do you hear that? God, that’s distracting! Where was I? Right, get all your little errands and chores out of the way early folks because there’s plenty… [slurping reaches 140 decibels] I can hardly think. Where is that sound coming from? OH MY GOD! IT’S COMING FROM INSIDE THE TV! Help…me… To…The…Games… [collapses]

NE/Cle-TOM BRADY IS BACK!!! If you’re not a fan of vivisection you may want to catch another game. Although te Gronk, wr Edelman and rb Blount are all ouch-infested, it won’t matter much against a bunch of Brownies. Time for a sneaky good game from wr Hogan? You could do worse.

Phi/Det-Te Ertz is finally back from a rib booboo and you should throw him in there if you have him. The Lions rank dead last in defending that position. Rook qb Wentz is throwing at a 65% clip and has yet to turn the ball over. I expect that’ll change today but not because Detroit is sound defensively-it’s just that confident rooks tend to try to do things that they shouldn’t. It’s nice being right every once in a while. I wrote somewhere else that wr Tate would struggle with the wr1 mantle after Megatron goes back to his home planet. Tate has amassed all of 95 yards in a particularly pass-happy O so far this year. Look for him to bounce back as D’s turn their attention to the team’s real threat, Marvin Jones Jr.

Chi/Ind-Two 1-3 teams battle for not-supremacy of anything. The Colts give up an average of 31 points a game while the Bears are struggling to the tune of 16 per. Luck and Co. should easily get into the mid-thirties while Hoyer should be able to put up 3 scores against Indy’s travesty of a D. I’ll go 36-21 for the blue unis here.

Ten/Mia-Another battle of 1-3 ‘teams’. Starting qb’s Tanny and Mariota have both thrown 5 picks each so the one that protects the ball better should come out the winner. The Titans own the #4 rushing O in the league and little else. Their leading wr, Rishard Matthews has a whopping 180 yards on only 12 recepts. That’s only 3 per game-man, that’s bad! On the other side wr Landry continues to be the Fins lone offensive weapon. He’s got 375 yds and 1 TD.

Was/Bal-Cousins could have the time of his life if he throws on cb Wright for the majority of the game. Of the seven TD’s allowed by the Ravens, six have been directed at Wright. Rb West looks to build on his 113 yd, 1 TD performance last week even though fellow rb Dixon will be eased back into the lineup. Someone, anyone, performing well on the Baltimore O would take some heat off OC Trestman.

Hou/Min-This looks to be the fixture of this time slot though how each of the O’s is going to put points on the board is a mystery to me. Minny is now down wr Diggs who is out with groin problems. Perhaps it’s time for wr Patterson to finally show up? The smart money says an emphatic, “NO!”. Houston has the #1 ranked pass D anyway. I’d venture that the D that generates the most turnovers squeaks out the W.

NYJ/Pit-BUMBLEBEE UNIFORMS! Apparently they’re being thrown in a dumpster after this game because orphans in Haiti were quoted as saying, “Nah, you can keep them”. Speaking of not looking good-The Jetskis! Thanks to his recent struggles, qb FitzHarvard is trending towards a 16 TD, 40 Intercept season. One for the record books! Sure-handed wr Enunwa has made the most of his opportunity with Decker being on the sidelines-he’s 10th in the league with a 72% catch rate. Qb Big Ben (who the hell has time to make sure his last name is spelled properly? Not me) shares the league lead with 11 TD’s tossed, 4 of which have gone to wr Brown who shares the league lead in that category. I think the Steelers romp in this one.

Now that’s done. TYPE LIKE YOU’VE NEVER TYPED BEFORE!

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Senor Weaselo

If you took a drink every time the Jets fucked up an open field tackle you’d be dead by now. And fuck, Harris is down.

Spur

So how will the Lions fuck up this lead?

Unsurprised

Embarrassingly

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

They will continue to be the Lions?

litre_cola

They won’t. Iggles are due for Dakota Jesus to take a step back.

Lothar of the Hill People

Getting shot by Eric Trump.

Don T

Those KFC ads are a tad jingoistic.

King Hippo

Not enough Le’veon. Motherfucking Haley.

Sill Bimmons

Nothing works.

Doktor Zymm

So, it turns out the bar gave me back the wrong card last night. Same card type, same first name, different last name. I just popped over there and it turns out the woman whose card it is was there having brunch, and my card was still behind the register! She got her card back, I got my card back, and all is well. It was a new guy working last night, and I guess because of the Cubs game they were actually making us locals leave a card to run a tab, which they don’t usually do. Lucky we’re better at keeping track of stuff than they are!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Good karma for not going on a shopping spree first.

Doktor Zymm

Nah, you don’t burn your credit card doppleganger

Bortleback

I had a friend who lost her purse a few months ago, which a stranger was nice enough to return – after using her card to do their shopping……

herodotus450

What kind of bar serves brunch? smghd they shuld still be claening up the vomit from last nite

Doktor Zymm

It’s $20 for an entree and unlimited shitty mimosas till 3. Their brunch is usually as wild as most bars on a Saturday night.

Unsurprised

Half of Portland would be dead from alcohol poisoning if any place did that here.

Unsurprised

Spin move straight out of Tecmo Bowl

Don T

Hey MarcTWV

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litre_cola

Horsecollar.

Senor Weaselo

“We’re excited that Matt LeBlanc is back on television.”

I’ll take “Things Chris Evans will never say” for $800, Alex.

Col. Duke LaCross

I don’t know what the fuck a Cameron Merideth is, but I’m happy it exists!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Shhhh, don’t tell the insanity league

King Hippo

I started it in Insanity!! No shit. A week after starting Spiller.

/still 1-3

ThursdaySkyGoddess

Ravens fake field goal fail makes me feel slightly better.

John Difool

Justin Tucker, pro-tip: Stick to kicking

Gratliff

Mean regression is a cunt.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

BLEERGH is killing the Bears

LemonJello

“NNNnnnOOooooooo!!!!!!”

-Aaron Rodgers

Unsurprised

We still have the Otters, A-Rodg

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I half joked about it before, anyone have any album suggestions instead of listening to the audio of this game?

Unsurprised

I wish I could help. I’m listening to a mix titled “90shiphophistorylesson”

Col. Duke LaCross

Anything by Ghost!

SATAN!

...

I’m putting this here so we have it ready for the inevitable Eagles fuck up:

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...

“This is fine. Everything is fine.”

Bortleback

“I swear Wentz isn’t just the second coming of Nick Foles”

Gratliff

Just a bit late

...

I suspect this photo will have an evergreen quality so technically I can just say I’m also too early.

Horatio Cornblower

Was Colin Kaepernick driving the car?

Wakezilla

Hey guys, how’s it going?

Want some cheese?

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Horatio Cornblower

“Ever wonder what it’s like to have a menage a trois with a goat and a cow?”

Again, I refer you to Rob Ryan.

...

Imma gonna fuck dis cheese.

Unsurprised

These upscale grocers need to get laid more often

Unsurprised

JEST LEAD?!?

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blaxabbath

See? Just locker room banter around here!

(prepares to find this woman and turn her skin into a coat).

Bortleback

It’s all banter until the Donald grabs someone

Unsurprised

It’s Sofia Vergara, just from a long time ago

Horatio Cornblower

I would grab her right in the p****y (pastry, of course), and tell her “young lady, put some clothes on so I can take you out for a nice dinner and discuss the finer points of free trade within our hemisphere!”

Senor Weaselo

Marshalldown that should have been a pick!

ThursdaySkyGoddess

Is it possible that no team wins the AFC South?

Bortleback

Whatever happens, it’ll be a reach to describe the team who does win it as a professional football team

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I think I’ve hit a wall. May need to power through it with the help of 6 more beers and a hot dog.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I have faith in you, you will power through this

Wakezilla

That dog better be wrapped in bacon, sir.

The Maestro

HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’, BOYS????

I FEEL LIKE I COULD DRINK A THOUSAND BEERS AND EAT TEN TURKEY DINNERS!!

Horatio Cornblower

I feel like Rob Ryan has probably done that for reals.

Senor Weaselo

I feel like that’s a Tuesday.

Gratliff

OH COME THE FUCK ON

blaxabbath

I did see once. It was absurd. Like one of them was kidnapped and they were like, “We need to see what those traffic cams show.” Then one of them sat down at a computer and was like, “We’re in!”

Saddest thing about it, though, is that the T-1000 has aged.

Unsurprised

More like melted and congealed

Redshirt

Its about as sad as seeing that Alex Murphy has aged to look like Robocop without his helmet.

Unsurprised

God, the military is such bullshit and seeing the ads for the Marine Corps makes me sad that the NFL and NCAA are the lesser evil than real militarism

Don T

The real evil is the Pentagon Credit Union.*
*Sponsored by
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Redshirt
Don T

Andre Johnson another TD. Oh, and his numbers are just like Megatron’s.
Think so.

litre_cola

Heaven forbid Sharpe gets the ball.

Unsurprised
Bortleback

Damnit, you got there before me

Gratliff

Might be worth covering Anquin Boldin at some point.

Spur

Maybe Bill Belichick cursed the Browns after they fired him?

Redshirt

Nah. Modell did that when he fired Paul Brown.

Doktor Zymm

The one advantage of the new touchback distance, I do like watching teams keep the ball out of the end zone

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Hey, Conor Barth did a good!

...

BARTH!

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Sharkbait

Not Gronkdown 2.

Doktor Zymm

I really wish the NFL would pick some other way to pretend to like women besides the eye-searing pink

...

It seems the NFL lacks any ideas of how to grab them.

LemonJello

Trump apparently has some thoughts on this matter…

...

And now you know why the USFL failed!

Bortleback

I heard it was small potatoes. Maybe Trump doesn’t have the potatoes to actually properly succeed at anything?

litre_cola

Perhaps not having so many domestic assaults would be a nicer start.

Unsurprised

GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE WITH THAT CRAZY SHIT

LemonJello

+1 slow clap

Horatio Cornblower

Wow.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Eddie Royal is a fucking beast

Unsurprised

The Warriors blew a 3-1 lead in the Finals

Redshirt

“Roethlisberger wears #7 for a reason. He’s a gunslinger like Elway. Favre.”

How in the hell do you commentate NFL games but get Favre’s number wrong?!

Sill Bimmons

Error 6969: File not found, too many ballwashings.

...

It never ceases to amaze me how unprepared and uninformed the NFL’s commentators are. I get that it’s hard to know a lot information about 32 teams, but that’s no excuse for fucking up basic facts.

Unsurprised

CTE is a motherfucker

Kungjitsu

They have a week to prepare. They’re fucking morons.

Unsurprised

Hey now.

They’re obscenely well-paid fucking morons.

...

And when you consider they work for a single network, that means they’ll likely see the same teams repeatedly reducing the amount of prep time needed for each successive game.

I still stick by my theory that announcers are intended just as PR shills to deliver pro-NFL and pro-owner narratives.

Unsurprised

THE HELL YOU SAY

John Difool

In honor of breast cancer awareness month, Ravens special teams has decided to go tits-up.

Doktor Zymm

Anyone have any favorite Caribbean islands?

Don T

Yes.

Unsurprised

Grand Cayman

Horatio Cornblower

Fiji.

herodotus450

Svenborgia

litre_cola

Nevis.

Kungjitsu

St. John and Barbados are my two favorite. As in my favorite places on the face of the Earth.

Don T

I gotta put more effort in my hissy fits.
/nudges table

Spur

Just let Brady play QB for both teams.

Unsurprised

Well, at least he’d die once he got behind the Browns O line

Don T

No, no. Still Titans stench.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Obvious play action is obvious

litre_cola

Did I just hear the name of Clipboard Jesus be mentioned?

Sill Bimmons

Does anyone else only get Bluetooth to pair about half the times you try to pair it?

Spur

Kessler is dead

ThursdaySkyGoddess

Boo! No Bradford safety.

herodotus450

Kessler safetly though! Eh, it hardly even counts.

Sharkbait

Not Gronkdown

litre_cola

Ice up son.