Today has the makings of a memorable day, doesn’t it? So much going on! [sounds of enthusiastic slurping can be heard in background] NFL meal-ticket and Orange Wonder-supporter, Tahmmy Boy returns under center, baseball playoffs throughout the day and a debate of some sort later on this evening. [slurping sound grows louder] Do you hear that? God, that’s distracting! Where was I? Right, get all your little errands and chores out of the way early folks because there’s plenty… [slurping reaches 140 decibels] I can hardly think. Where is that sound coming from? OH MY GOD! IT’S COMING FROM INSIDE THE TV! Help…me… To…The…Games… [collapses]
NE/Cle-TOM BRADY IS BACK!!! If you’re not a fan of vivisection you may want to catch another game. Although te Gronk, wr Edelman and rb Blount are all ouch-infested, it won’t matter much against a bunch of Brownies. Time for a sneaky good game from wr Hogan? You could do worse.
Phi/Det-Te Ertz is finally back from a rib booboo and you should throw him in there if you have him. The Lions rank dead last in defending that position. Rook qb Wentz is throwing at a 65% clip and has yet to turn the ball over. I expect that’ll change today but not because Detroit is sound defensively-it’s just that confident rooks tend to try to do things that they shouldn’t. It’s nice being right every once in a while. I wrote somewhere else that wr Tate would struggle with the wr1 mantle after Megatron goes back to his home planet. Tate has amassed all of 95 yards in a particularly pass-happy O so far this year. Look for him to bounce back as D’s turn their attention to the team’s real threat, Marvin Jones Jr.
Chi/Ind-Two 1-3 teams battle for not-supremacy of anything. The Colts give up an average of 31 points a game while the Bears are struggling to the tune of 16 per. Luck and Co. should easily get into the mid-thirties while Hoyer should be able to put up 3 scores against Indy’s travesty of a D. I’ll go 36-21 for the blue unis here.
Ten/Mia-Another battle of 1-3 ‘teams’. Starting qb’s Tanny and Mariota have both thrown 5 picks each so the one that protects the ball better should come out the winner. The Titans own the #4 rushing O in the league and little else. Their leading wr, Rishard Matthews has a whopping 180 yards on only 12 recepts. That’s only 3 per game-man, that’s bad! On the other side wr Landry continues to be the Fins lone offensive weapon. He’s got 375 yds and 1 TD.
Was/Bal-Cousins could have the time of his life if he throws on cb Wright for the majority of the game. Of the seven TD’s allowed by the Ravens, six have been directed at Wright. Rb West looks to build on his 113 yd, 1 TD performance last week even though fellow rb Dixon will be eased back into the lineup. Someone, anyone, performing well on the Baltimore O would take some heat off OC Trestman.
Hou/Min-This looks to be the fixture of this time slot though how each of the O’s is going to put points on the board is a mystery to me. Minny is now down wr Diggs who is out with groin problems. Perhaps it’s time for wr Patterson to finally show up? The smart money says an emphatic, “NO!”. Houston has the #1 ranked pass D anyway. I’d venture that the D that generates the most turnovers squeaks out the W.
NYJ/Pit-BUMBLEBEE UNIFORMS! Apparently they’re being thrown in a dumpster after this game because orphans in Haiti were quoted as saying, “Nah, you can keep them”. Speaking of not looking good-The Jetskis! Thanks to his recent struggles, qb FitzHarvard is trending towards a 16 TD, 40 Intercept season. One for the record books! Sure-handed wr Enunwa has made the most of his opportunity with Decker being on the sidelines-he’s 10th in the league with a 72% catch rate. Qb Big Ben (who the hell has time to make sure his last name is spelled properly? Not me) shares the league lead with 11 TD’s tossed, 4 of which have gone to wr Brown who shares the league lead in that category. I think the Steelers romp in this one.
Now that’s done. TYPE LIKE YOU’VE NEVER TYPED BEFORE!
If you took a drink every time the Jets fucked up an open field tackle you’d be dead by now. And fuck, Harris is down.
So how will the Lions fuck up this lead?
Embarrassingly
They will continue to be the Lions?
They won’t. Iggles are due for Dakota Jesus to take a step back.
Getting shot by Eric Trump.
Those KFC ads are a tad jingoistic.
Not enough Le’veon. Motherfucking Haley.
Nothing works.
So, it turns out the bar gave me back the wrong card last night. Same card type, same first name, different last name. I just popped over there and it turns out the woman whose card it is was there having brunch, and my card was still behind the register! She got her card back, I got my card back, and all is well. It was a new guy working last night, and I guess because of the Cubs game they were actually making us locals leave a card to run a tab, which they don’t usually do. Lucky we’re better at keeping track of stuff than they are!
Good karma for not going on a shopping spree first.
Nah, you don’t burn your credit card doppleganger
I had a friend who lost her purse a few months ago, which a stranger was nice enough to return – after using her card to do their shopping……
What kind of bar serves brunch? smghd they shuld still be claening up the vomit from last nite
It’s $20 for an entree and unlimited shitty mimosas till 3. Their brunch is usually as wild as most bars on a Saturday night.
Half of Portland would be dead from alcohol poisoning if any place did that here.
Spin move straight out of Tecmo Bowl
Hey MarcTWV
Horsecollar.
“We’re excited that Matt LeBlanc is back on television.”
I’ll take “Things Chris Evans will never say” for $800, Alex.
I don’t know what the fuck a Cameron Merideth is, but I’m happy it exists!
Shhhh, don’t tell the insanity league
I started it in Insanity!! No shit. A week after starting Spiller.
/still 1-3
Ravens fake field goal fail makes me feel slightly better.
Justin Tucker, pro-tip: Stick to kicking
Mean regression is a cunt.
Did I see Hogan at over 100 yards already? I feel SMRT!
BLEERGH is killing the Bears
“NNNnnnOOooooooo!!!!!!”
-Aaron Rodgers
We still have the Otters, A-Rodg
I half joked about it before, anyone have any album suggestions instead of listening to the audio of this game?
I wish I could help. I’m listening to a mix titled “90shiphophistorylesson”
Anything by Ghost!
SATAN!
I’m putting this here so we have it ready for the inevitable Eagles fuck up:
“This is fine. Everything is fine.”
“I swear Wentz isn’t just the second coming of Nick Foles”
Just a bit late
I suspect this photo will have an evergreen quality so technically I can just say I’m also too early.
Was Colin Kaepernick driving the car?
Hey guys, how’s it going?
Want some cheese?
“Ever wonder what it’s like to have a menage a trois with a goat and a cow?”
Again, I refer you to Rob Ryan.
Imma gonna fuck dis cheese.
These upscale grocers need to get laid more often
JEST LEAD?!?
See? Just locker room banter around here!
(prepares to find this woman and turn her skin into a coat).
It’s all banter until the Donald grabs someone
It’s Sofia Vergara, just from a long time ago
I want her.
I would grab her right in the p****y (pastry, of course), and tell her “young lady, put some clothes on so I can take you out for a nice dinner and discuss the finer points of free trade within our hemisphere!”
Marshalldown that should have been a pick!
Is it possible that no team wins the AFC South?
Whatever happens, it’ll be a reach to describe the team who does win it as a professional football team
I think I’ve hit a wall. May need to power through it with the help of 6 more beers and a hot dog.
I have faith in you, you will power through this
That dog better be wrapped in bacon, sir.
HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’, BOYS????
I FEEL LIKE I COULD DRINK A THOUSAND BEERS AND EAT TEN TURKEY DINNERS!!
I feel like Rob Ryan has probably done that for reals.
I feel like that’s a Tuesday.
OH COME THE FUCK ON
I did see once. It was absurd. Like one of them was kidnapped and they were like, “We need to see what those traffic cams show.” Then one of them sat down at a computer and was like, “We’re in!”
Saddest thing about it, though, is that the T-1000 has aged.
More like melted and congealed
Its about as sad as seeing that Alex Murphy has aged to look like Robocop without his helmet.
God, the military is such bullshit and seeing the ads for the Marine Corps makes me sad that the NFL and NCAA are the lesser evil than real militarism
The real evil is the Pentagon Credit Union.*
*Sponsored by
Nice try, Stillers.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7qKcJF4fOPs
Andre Johnson another TD. Oh, and his numbers are just like Megatron’s.
Think so.
Heaven forbid Sharpe gets the ball.
http://www.compleatseanbean.com/mainsharpepic.jpg
Damnit, you got there before me
http://www.gstatic.com/tv/thumb/dvdboxart/163207/p163207_d_v8_aa.jpg
Might be worth covering Anquin Boldin at some point.
Maybe Bill Belichick cursed the Browns after they fired him?
Nah. Modell did that when he fired Paul Brown.
The one advantage of the new touchback distance, I do like watching teams keep the ball out of the end zone
Hey, Conor Barth did a good!
BARTH!
Not Gronkdown 2.
I really wish the NFL would pick some other way to pretend to like women besides the eye-searing pink
It seems the NFL lacks any ideas of how to grab them.
Trump apparently has some thoughts on this matter…
And now you know why the USFL failed!
I heard it was small potatoes. Maybe Trump doesn’t have the potatoes to actually properly succeed at anything?
Perhaps not having so many domestic assaults would be a nicer start.
GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE WITH THAT CRAZY SHIT
http://www.unsportsmanlike-conduct.com/uploads/3/9/1/5/39153357/5848559_orig.jpg
+1 slow clap
Wow.
Eddie Royal is a fucking beast
The Warriors blew a 3-1 lead in the Finals
“Roethlisberger wears #7 for a reason. He’s a gunslinger like Elway. Favre.”
How in the hell do you commentate NFL games but get Favre’s number wrong?!
Error 6969: File not found, too many ballwashings.
It never ceases to amaze me how unprepared and uninformed the NFL’s commentators are. I get that it’s hard to know a lot information about 32 teams, but that’s no excuse for fucking up basic facts.
CTE is a motherfucker
They have a week to prepare. They’re fucking morons.
Hey now.
They’re obscenely well-paid fucking morons.
And when you consider they work for a single network, that means they’ll likely see the same teams repeatedly reducing the amount of prep time needed for each successive game.
I still stick by my theory that announcers are intended just as PR shills to deliver pro-NFL and pro-owner narratives.
THE HELL YOU SAY
In honor of breast cancer awareness month, Ravens special teams has decided to go tits-up.
Anyone have any favorite Caribbean islands?
Yes.
Grand Cayman
Fiji.
Svenborgia
Nevis.
St. John and Barbados are my two favorite. As in my favorite places on the face of the Earth.
I gotta put more effort in my hissy fits.
/nudges table
Just let Brady play QB for both teams.
Well, at least he’d die once he got behind the Browns O line
No, no. Still Titans stench.
Obvious play action is obvious
Did I just hear the name of Clipboard Jesus be mentioned?
Does anyone else only get Bluetooth to pair about half the times you try to pair it?
Kessler is dead
Boo! No Bradford safety.
Kessler safetly though! Eh, it hardly even counts.
Not Gronkdown
Ice up son.