[Door Flies Open]

tWBS stumbles into the [DFO] clubhouse, mildly drunk (yeah right…mildly).  He is wearing no pants.   He’s holding a nearly empty fifth bottle of Grey Goose.  There are cuts and bruising above his left eye.  And he smells at least mildly (yeah right…mildly) of vodka, beer and shame.  He struggles to force the lock on the clubhouse liquor cabinet, then trips over his own feet.  As he lies on the floor, you stare, judgmentally.  And before you avert your gaze, he notices your look of contempt, even in his impaired state.  And immediately decides to dish some truth.  At least truth as he sees it.

/this could get ugly

OK sports fans.  Here’s the thing.  When last we spoke, or spake, or talked….or whatever….I was still mostly in a good mood.  Which for me is remarkable these days.  I felt an unusual feeling of hope for the future, something which hadn’t been true in years.  One week later…nope.

We’ll see how next week goes.

At that time, just one damned week ago, things were good and I was mostly just concerned about easing into things with this reboot of the Sexy Friday weekly feature.  Making it comfortable and happy for everyone.  Making the Sexy Friday reboot something we could all enjoy.  Something we could have fun with.  Well just guess what that earned me?  Let’s review….

• A hurricane flooded my house and might have ruined my new boat dock and my dead father’s lighthouse.
• My cat puked on me in the middle of the night.  Twice.
• Two different sets of relatives decided now was a good time to decide their stupidity was something which was my responsibility (it wasn’t).
• Three different retail companies proved that they don’t know how to deal with….well, being retail companies.  Though one of them is sending me a new hard drive FOC because THEY COULDN’T BE BOTHERED TO BOLT THE FIRST ONE DOWN FIRST BEFORE SHIPPING A POORLY PACKED ALLEGEDLY NEW COMPUTER TO ME!!!!!
• I scared the bejesus out of my mother when I collected all of my dead father’s firearms in the house to get rid of (most) of them.  Worried Mom’s think the worst.  Not her fault.
• I tried to cook chicken piccata, one of my favorite things to cook and eat.  And normally I’m good at it.  Good comfort food.  Capers…mmmm.  But this time I fouled it up so badly that even a stray dog wouldn’t eat it.  Seriously, I tried to feed it to one.  No Joy.
• I played golf and literally, I am not exaggerating, lost all but two of a new dozen of Titlest ProV1’s.  Three of them on one freaking hole.  And FFS, it was a gotdanged par 3.  Those balls are like 4 bucks per.  Jeebus.
• I busted the drum head on my new snare.  smgdh.  Sure, Guitar Center, have a little more of my $$$$$

And trust me when I tell you, that list is not complete.

So yes, I’m kinda looking at the world from a different perspective this week.  Which is nothing new.  I’m used to that.  But you good people might not be.  So listen when I tell you….this week’s Sexy Friday MIGHT be a bit more edgy.  Which is akin to saying that Pringle’s BBQ chips MIGHT be fricking awesome.  Damn, they really are.  Holy shit, it’s so fricking obvious.  I’m eating them right now as I type, in fact.  Plus, they remind me of the old tennis ball cannons we used to make when I was a kid.

Those things were really cool, btw.  You could fire a tennis ball a good 300 yds, easy peasy.  When I was a kid, we even had battles, my friends and I.  And isn’t that the mark of a good childhood?

Actual paraphrased transcript of 12 yr old tWBS’s group of friends:  Let’s learn how to construct three tennis ball cans, and one soda can, some duct tape, add some tennis balls and some lighter fluid, some fire (because how else is a pre-teen supposed to ignite the lighter fluid in his tennis ball cannon????  Right?), and find a way to fire tennis balls at each other dangerously.  What’s the worst that could happen?

NOW THAT’S FRIENDSHIP, GOTDANGIT!!!!

And you all wonder why I am the way I am?  smgdh

OK, before I ramble too far off line, let’s reel this back in.  It is not my intention for any of the previous or following material to offend anyone’s sensibilities.  Specifically regarding the “religion issue”.  If you have your beliefs, and you’re committed to them, and they help you deal with how messed up the world is….then I really do see that as a good thing.  We all have our crutches we need.  I’m no different.  Mine happens to be vodka and my unwavering inability to feel shame.  And occasionally pain pills when I can get them.  Meh, it works for me.

But no matter what you believe or don’t, this is funny.  And Joe Pesci deserves your worship anyway.  As does the sun.  NO ONE DENIES THIS!!!!!

(this is EXTREMELY NSFW, btw)

Fricking Ice Capades, man.

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OK, so what’s going on in the world?

Dusty Baker proved last night that in the post season, he’s nearly as incompetent as Buck Showalter.  But that’s nothing we didn’t already know (and I totally have NOT been stalking Buck, no matter what you might have heard).  But now we’re forced to choose between the Dodgers and the Cubs.  Not even someone on death row should be dealt that fate.

The Cleveland Indians are still throwing shit against the wall to see what sticks.  So far it’s worked for them.  But I’m not complaining, because if they can take down the Jays, then I can die happy.

Was there football last night?  Well that’s debatable, probably.  The Donks didn’t do too well for 75% of the game.  In fact, they were shitty.  But the Bolts being who they are, couldn’t just put their foot on the throat and let their fans have nice things.  So they did their best to piss the game away with less than a quarter to play.  And they almost did.  If it weren’t for Trevor Siemian being unable to throw a damned football as well or as far as my dead grandmother….?  Jeebus.  At the moment of this writing, Mike McCoy is still employed.  Next week, probably not so much.

There’s real live NHL type pucking finally.  Though to be honest, the little bit I’ve had time to watch has looked like the players still have their minds on hunting bear in Saskatchewan.  But I can’t really blame them.  But of course the Pens are already stealing the Caps’ lunch money….AGAIN!!!!

Tiger Woods wussed out and decided grocery shopping at Safeway was not so important after all.  He must gotz a hella garden n junk.  But honestly, it was the right choice.  Dude needs to go back to what he still does well these days….hookers and blow.  Not judging, though.

But there is a dude who none of you has ever heard of, who sadly is probably going to miss the cut at the Safeway Open this week.  Jeebus, I can’t even type that without smirking….Safeway Open…that sounds like the order instructions that Safeway would send to the sign makers.  On one side, “Safeway Open”…on the other side, “Safeway Closed”.

But I digress…

There is a golfer whom I’d never heard of before yesterday.  Naturally, he’s from Ireland (wait for it).  And his name is SEAMUS POWER.  Seriously, click the link…I am not shitting you.  Now that’s a name I can get behind.  This guy has mostly kinda sucked according to the lazy research I’ve bothered to do.  But the dude is on tour.  And he’s getting better.  And that’s more than I ever accomplished in golf.  So my hat’s off to Seamus Power.  As I said, making the cut this week at Safeway (*snicker*) ain’t looking good, but this guy is my new favorite golfer.  Because….holy damn hell.  The NAME!!!

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Yeah, I rambled on long enough that you perverts probably thought I forgot to give you the SEXAY.  You know me better than that.

So what should our SEXAY theme be this week?  Last week it was getting to know you, models or photographers I knew personally.  But this week….hmmmm.

How about “Not Now Kato!!!!!!”

For reference….

(we call this Wednesday at my house, btw)

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And feel free to blame King Hippo for this.  I didn’t even know this luscious tender morsel existed until he thrust her upon me (lol…thrust) a year or so ago.  And of course then I got accused of compromising the morals of the 9 yr old son of one of mine and Hippo’s mutual friends when I posted some of the photos on mine and Hippo’s other blog.  I think Hippo had planned it out.  Bitch set me up.  But so far I haven’t gathered enough evidence to be sure.

But I’m not complaining.  ‘Dat Hippo do know what’s what about luscious morsels.

More BabyDoll?  Why the hell not?

Love the socks, but you do realize we’re gonna have to rent a steam cleaner after this….right?

A little steampunk sexy?  Why not.  Complicated to get into, but appears worth the effort.

Ummmmm….OK.

Oh my….just….oh my.

Even as a ginger instead of platinum….yes, have some.

No wonder the proletariat put up with J. Stalin as long as they did if these were the benefits to the Bolsheviks.  Totally worth standing in line for potato vodka and condoms.

And to bring up the rear…giggity.

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Your equal time for the ladies segment to follow…

At least this guy isn’t so proud of his pubic hair as last week’s equal time participant.  But he does seem to have an unhealthy attraction to his own nips.

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OK, so it’s time for your moment of relaxation, courtesy of your good buddy, and totally emotionally balanced, tWBS.  This is another original of my own capturing.  This one came about quite by accident last summer.  I hope you like it.

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Have a good weekend, shitmonkeys.  Be kind to one another.  In the end, that’s really all that counts.  And find happiness wherever you can.

(And when I return from my hopefully not Deliverance weekend in Appalachia, I’m gonna read every damn comment you buttmunches make tonight.  If any of you badmouth or make fun of me, it will not be pretty)

😉

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