Your “Will I Be Judged For All That Drinking?!” Tuesday Evening Open Thread

NFL News:

  • The Packers traded a conditional draft pick to the Chiefs in exchange for Knile Davis. Lacy’s gimpy ankle means they need more help behind the line.
    • Because what’s clearly holding the Packers back right now is the running game.
  • Having possibly borrowed something from the owner’s private stash, Chuck Pagano says he’s “encouraged” by the play of the Colts so far.
    • “We gotta figure out a way to become a four-quarter team,” says a man unaware he’s on the firing line.
  • Vontaze Burfict is being scrutinized by the League for two hits from Sunday’s game versus the Patriots, a low hit on Martellus Bennett and a stomp on LeGarrette Blount.
    • Not to nitpick, but the stomp would get Ndamukong Suh two games.
  • Chip either liked what he saw or he’s no longer going with The Flow, but Kaep is getting the start Sunday versus Tampa Bay.
  • Pass Interference specialist Richard Sherman explained his 3rd quarter imitation of a four year-old on the Seahawks sideline during their victory over the Falcons. “Things didn’t get communicated the correct way, and that’s how it happens.” They won, so Pete Carroll ain’t care.
    • On the topic of sloppy avian fellatio, check out Michael Silver tongue-bathing Russell Wilson:
      • “…it was abundantly clear that the world’s best quarterback under the age of 30 is a 5-foot-10 5/8-inch wizard with a preternaturally low pulse rate impervious to pressure.”
  • On the topic of penalties, did everyone catch Sean McDonough last night?

ESPN has a nice story about Twickenham, where the Rams & Giants will play Sunday. Those Commentists who follow rugby know the place, but for others it will be a nice introduction to the “cathedral of English rugby”. Having visited last time I was in London, I highly recommend going on a tour. Plus, English pubs!

 

Finally, somebody must have dusted the room while I was watching this story about a 14 year-old “super fan” the Saints signed to a one-day contract to be their social media rep for their road game versus the Chiefs. His name is Jarrius Robertson, he has something awful called Biliary Atresia, and he’s been through more than most of us will endure in a lifetime. He met the Saints during a trip to the hospital he was staying in, and they like him so much he goes to practices and yells at players. There’s video of him giving it to Falcons fans at a recent home game.

https://youtu.be/Lw3a_MKUKBs

Needless to say, if he survived a year in a coma, he can handle a weekend in KC.


 

By the time this thread is published, the Cleveland Indians may have won Game 4 and are set to play in the World Series. Clearly, the fifth seal is being prepared for opening. As it says in Revelations 6: 9-11:

(9) When he opened the fifth seal, I saw under the altar the souls of those who had been slain because of the word of God and the testimony they had maintained. (10) They called out in a loud voice, “How long, Sovereign Lord, holy and true, until you judge the inhabitants of the earth and avenge our blood?” (11) Then each of them was given a white robe, and they were told to wait a little longer, until the full number of their fellow servants, their brothers and sisters, were killed just as they had been.

Waiting for the National League Champion to be declared is the “a little longer”; the ‘white robe” is the AL Champion t-shirt.

The Cavaliers winning the NBA championship was the fourth seal. The upcoming election is the 6th seal.

 

Tonight’s sports:

  • MLB Playoff: Game 3: Cubs at Dodgers – 8:00 PM | FS1/Sportsnet
  • NHL Hockey:
    • Penguins at Habs – 7:30 PM | Sportsnet1
    • Flyers at Blackhawks – 8:30 PM | NBCSN
  • NBA Preseason Basketball: Clippers at Kings – 10:00 PM | ESPN

The third debate is tomorrow, and the election is three weeks today.

WE’VE ALMOST MADE IT!

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I had to install windows 10 on my dads computer today. I also had to go buy it for him and do every minute step while he questions me the whole time on every single step. My absolutely least favorite part is when he refused to give up his chair to let me just fix it, windows decided it needed to run chkdsk. I reached over him and tried to smash the keyboard to hit any key and I got 30 min of lecture and processing about how I am treating him like an idiot for doing it on a 5 second counter instead of trying to explain to him to hit a key where it would be too late no matter what by the time he reacts.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Slight edit and adding 2 words made that unreadable. That was my bad

Sill Bimmons

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Sill Bimmons

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Brick Meathook

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Sill Bimmons

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Sill Bimmons
...

“Goddamn it! Why do they always leave off the Y?!”

– Fred Smoot

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Brick Meathook

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That is pretty funny.

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Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons
...

I mean, I know I should just turn it off, but I can’t.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Brocky

the metaphor of a stalled car reminds me of my favorite “dark humor” moment from mad men

King Hippo

EVAR just have one of THOSE days?

I’ve often backed myself off the metaphorical ledge because I don’t wanna know how I’d fuck up the final exit.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Sill Bimmons

Vietnamese fondue:

http://www.thegourmetforager.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/4702755815_bbc24845a8_b.jpg

Because Asian flavors combined with French technique is how god intended us to eat.

Gratliff

So I picked a good time to turn on the Flyers game. Lol fuck the blackhawks.

Brocky

dude, salt in the wound

...

Even fucking worse is that Pedro fucking Baez is in the bullpen who takes an entire fucking minute between pitches because LET’S DRAG THIS SHIT OUT FOR ANOTHER HOUR.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Gratliff

There’s a pair that’s never going to have to get a job.

Sill Bimmons

The 40s aren’t kind to anyone but bald men.

Sill Bimmons
Shogun Marcus

Technically there WAS food…

Trevor Semen

You just had to wait in line for it for so long you’d starve to death before getting to the front of the line.

Sill Bimmons

And then YOU were the food!

Shogun Marcus

That was what I was getting to. Betcha didn’t hear nothing bout no gluten or other sensitivities either.

/don’t reply if you have them, it’s a goddamn joke and you know it.

Sill Bimmons

The only thing they had to eat beside each other was raw flour.

So long as they didn’t work it they didn’t need to worry about gluten.

King Hippo

Is this dead child gluten free?

/asking FOAR a friend

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

REALLY? Just don’t eat the buns!

King Hippo

yeah, just U(kraine) can’t have any

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Brick Meathook

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
LemonJello

Based ball not going well?

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...

The Cubs have actually had a few terrible stretches like this, but they get forgotten over the course of dozens of games during a season.

But holy hell, it’s awful to watch a team just be unable to do ANYTHING.

...

I just read an actual rant in which a Cubs fan described this as an epic choke that was Maddon’s fault and that Theo needs to unload Rizzo and Russell but probably won’t be able to.

I get annoyed when Zymm shits on the Cubs fans, but these are the moments I can’t say a goddamned thing in response.

Brocky

I just calmly think to myself that no matter how absurd any chicago fan gets, they’ll never be as bad as packer fans

Unsurprised

P*ts fans would like a word, but that word is [redacted]

Brocky

are pats fans talking about an overrated player like bret favre or bragging about a coach whose been dead 50 years?

...

Are you following Cubs twitter right now because… yeah…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Mr. Ayo

Then they walked into a bar.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Mary suddenly wished she’d put on clean underwear before driving to Scotty’s.

Trevor Semen

The fucking windows are rolled down ffs.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Ah yeah, good catch. Judging by the reaction I’d say it was after she ripped her dress, but you go with your story and everything will be fine.

Brick Meathook

I think Stalin had a lot of unresolved childhood issues.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Pedantic mode; check out a biography (not written by the Party of course) dude REALLY had….. well, it’s a fun read anyway.

King Hippo

I’m reading one RIGHT NOW!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Which author?

I read one on a business trip years ago that was good, but can’t remember the author.

King Hippo

Oleg V. Khlevniuk

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Mary seemed to enjoy Dr. Fozzgene’s treatments for anxiety even though his degree in psychology was from UCLA.

http://67.media.tumblr.com/05b523d5da8774d87e1baa7d4f3482eb/tumblr_oa69rfpN5F1u7t71ro1_1280.jpg

theeWeeBabySeamus

Is it wrong that I want to beat Mary Hart to death with the corpse of Larry King?

Unsurprised

She’s still alive?

Trevor Semen

I got another shitty joke. A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says “Why the fuck is there a horse in my bar?”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“What can I get for you Mr. Elway?”

-Bar owner

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“What can I get for you Ms. Parker?”

-Bar owner

*New York area.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

A shitty joke? Maybe road apple joke, but not shitty.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
...

Every bit of hate Cubs fans get is deserved. Christ. I can’t even touch Twitter right now. People are giving up on the season.

Trevor Semen

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says “Hey man, why the long face?” The horse says “Do you know who I am?! I am not a man, I am a woman and my name is Sarah Jessica Parker.”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The bartender says “actually, I was talking to your friend.”

SJP’s friend neighs angrily and stomps away.

“Sorry,” SJP says “she’s been in a bad mood since her last book about how much she hates Jews and immigrants and Democrats didn’t sell well.”

Brocky

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Spanky Datass

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...

If you want to see a terrible fanbase melting down easily, now’s your chance.

...

They did this in game 4 of the NLDS too. We’re goddamned drama queens.

Brocky
theeWeeBabySeamus
theeWeeBabySeamus

yeah right and ICRM just died a little inside.
But being Cubs fans, they were mostly dead inside already so….

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

A naked blonde walks into a bar, carrying a poodle under one arm and a 6 foot salami under the other. The Bardtender says, ‘So, I don’t suppose you’d be needing a drink?’ The blonde says…

[air conditioning duct collapses]

Shogun Marcus

Scroll down please.

Duchess

A Cleveland vs Chicago World Series… Dear lord the Red C’s are rising

Shogun Marcus

“What is what my prom date said?”

/din go to prom
//did have a productive night tho

Sill Bimmons

If you’re in the market for a new wireless router, the TP Link Archer C7 has solved all of my SmartTV woes for $80.

Sweet antennae for maximum whatever.

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Spanky Datass

A Presidential candidate walks into a bar.

Bartender asks, “What’ll you have?”

Candidate says, “A Grab Her Pussy.”

Barkeep: “Not familiar with that one; what’s in it?

Candidate: “Pour equal parts cynicism, entitlement and lies into a douchbag. Shake bag in a vigorous, self-righteous manner then squeeze the bag while spraying it into the faces of everyone in the joint.”

LemonJello

Evening, All!

herodotus450

A man walks into a Bar… he apoligizes to Ms. Refaeli and they go on about their respective days

Unsurprised

Is she pregnant again?

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

A man walks into a bar… and decides to avoid law as a profession due to chronic unemployment and staggering debt.

Unsurprised

Damn. That’s cold-blooded.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Kershaw needs to learn to chew gum with his mouth closed.
Fucking barbarian.

herodotus450

more like Ker-chew amirite?

Sill Bimmons

A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two-foot salami in the other.

She lays the poodle on the table.

The bartender says, “I suppose you won’t be needing a drink?”

And the naked lady says…

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SonOfSpam

“On the topic of sloppy avian fellatio…”

Was hoping for a longread about the sexual proclivities of Mr. Snuffleupagus.

scotchnaut

A man walks into a bar…

Man-[rubs forehead] “Goddamn it! That really hurt!”

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hee hee…that was good.

SonOfSpam

A fish swims into a concrete barrier…

“Dam!”

theeWeeBabySeamus

Holy shit, they’re gonna stretch this intro/pregame bullshit out as long as they can aren’t they?
Go Meteor!!!!!

theeWeeBabySeamus

A woman and a duck walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says “You can’t bring that pig in here”.
“This is a duck”.
“I know…I was talking to the duck”.

Shogun Marcus

Don’t really care about the video, just love the song
https://youtube.com/watch?v=QOLCXPRg650

Sill Bimmons

Alcohol and the Bible: ALL TEH CONTRADICTIONS

The Bible’s answer

It is not a sin to drink alcohol in moderation. The Bible describes wine as a gift from God that can make life more enjoyable. (Psalm 104:14, 15; Ecclesiastes 3:13; 9:7) The Bible also acknowledges the medicinal value of wine.—1 Timothy 5:23.

Jesus drank wine during his time on earth. (Matthew 26:29; Luke 7:34) In one of his well-known miracles, Jesus turned water into wine as a generous gift at a marriage feast.—John 2:1-10.

Dangers of overdrinking

While the Bible mentions the positive aspects of wine, it condemns overdrinking and drunkenness. Thus, a Christian who chooses to drink alcohol would do so only in moderation. (1 Timothy 3:8; Titus 2:2, 3) The Bible gives several reasons to avoid overdrinking.

It impairs thinking ability and judgment. (Proverbs 23:29-35) An intoxicated person cannot fulfill the Bible’s command to “present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, a sacred service with your power of reason.”—Romans 12:1.
Overdrinking removes inhibitions and “the motivation to do what is right.”—Hosea 4:11; Ephesians 5:18.
It can lead to poverty and serious health problems.—Proverbs 23:21, 31, 32.
Heavy drinking and drunkenness displease God.—Proverbs 23:20; Galatians 5:19-21.
How much is too much?

A person has had too much alcohol when his drinking puts him or others at risk of harm. According to the Bible, drunkenness is identified, not by a person’s passing out, but by such behavior as being disoriented, walking unsteadily, becoming contentious, or having slurred speech. (Job 12:25; Psalm 107:27; Proverbs 23:29, 30, 33) Even those who avoid getting drunk can still become “weighed down with . . . heavy drinking” and experience its serious consequences.—Luke 21:34, 35.

Complete abstinence

The Bible also identifies times when Christians should avoid drinking alcohol altogether:

If others would be stumbled by it.—Romans 14:21.
If drinking alcohol violates the law of the land.—Romans 13:1.
If a person cannot control his drinking. Those who suffer from alcoholism and other forms of alcohol abuse must be willing to take drastic action.—Matthew 5:29, 30.

Unsurprised
scotchnaut

That reminds me of a great joke- Alcohol and The Bible walk into a bar, the bartender says, “What are you guys doing here?”

/I don’t remember the rest

Unsurprised

“DeMeco Ryans, a former linebacker with the Houston Texans and Philadelphia Eagles, is suing the team, Harris County Convention & Sports Corp. and its management arm, the NFL, and the company that furnished the surface, alleging that the failure to replace or repair the turf was responsible for injury in 2014 that helped end his career.”

http://www.chron.com/business/article/Former-Houston-Texan-sues-says-uneven-surface-9976520.php

Unsurprised

If he wins, RG3 could end up owning the [Redacteds].

Unsurprised

You know, by the transitive properties of … Oh, fuck it. I need to think before I post.

theeWeeBabySeamus

DTZM, DTZM!!! There are blurry penises (penii?) on the banner image!!!
I NEED AN ADULT, I NEED AN ADULT!!!!

scotchnaut

Niles is feelin’ kinda yellow right now…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j4-FhdqPyj0

scotchnaut

Whoops-how the hell did I get those guys mixed up? My bad.