Hello again, good people of the [DFO] kommentist party.  I hope you’ve all had a good week.  It’s been a good one for me, and a good week is always appreciated in tWBS’ world.

As many of you are already aware I spent the bulk of last weekend in Appalachia trying to be nice and help family members who couldn’t (wouldn’t?) help themselves.  And I took it in the backside for it (no, not literally…there were no Deliverance moments…as far as you know).  But they did kinda screw me over.  But that’s OK, that’s just what family does.  If I wasn’t able to deal with that I’d have rampaged long ago.

The long and the short of it is that these relatives are selling their mountain cabin.  I was supposed to move furniture for them from there, back here closer to home.  In the interim, they decided (as advised by their realtor) to leave the furniture for now.  Leave the cabin “staged” as it were.  And no, they didn’t bother to call and tell me until I drove into the driveway up there.

Again….that’s family.  That’s people.  That’s how it goes.  No good deed…etc., etc.

So then, the weekend became about these family members excitedly showing off the highlights of this economically depressed redneck haven.  Which more or less equated to being trapped in a car all day with 3 geriatric family members, stopping at every roadside attraction and redneck crap store.  What do I mean by redneck crap store?  Well speaking only in generalities, they are stores where rednecks buy redneck crap.  And there are a lot of them.  And I’m pretty sure we hit ’em all.

And to top it off I couldn’t get this song out of my head the whole time.  Which is not to say I don’t like the song, because I do.  But when it’s playing in your head repeatedly for hours while the 3 geriatrics have yammered on about which redneck crap store to stop at next over and over…well, it gets old.

(Fortunately, most of that day was a blur.  If you keep reading, you’ll understand why)

Anywhoo…..

Most of the weekend was miserable, but tolerable.  On the other hand, some of it was genuinely funny.  And some of it was truly wonderful.  I’m going to skip the rest of the miserable and save the wonderful for last.

So for now, onto the funny (though in the moment it was NOT funny).

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Take a good look at these two photos.  They are pertinent.  You can click and enlarge them if necessary, but it’s probably not.  The first is the cabin in question (if you want to buy it, I know a guy).  The second is the layout of the bedroom I stayed in.  Now, take a good look at the pitch of that roof, and the resultant pitch of that ceiling.

We call this segment….

How tWBS Repeatedly Concussed Hizself Over the Course of Two Days

#1: tWBS needs to take a leak.

Around 2am the first night, I wake up and have to get up and relieve myself.  At home, I happen to be used to getting up and out of bed on the left side of the bed (as looking at the bed from the foot).  It’s dark, I get off the bed and stand up.  BONK.  I was pissed, in a bit of pain, but mostly uninjured…I think.  At least not so badly that I wasn’t successful in the bathroom.  But since I didn’t bother to turn a light on, and was still half asleep or maybe in early stages of concussion…when I returned to the bed, again on the left side…BONK.

Now I’m more pissed.  And have two different ouchies on my head.  But I go back to sleep anyway.

#2: The Cabinet Incident

Around 5am, there is a loud crash downstairs.  I mean like really damned loud.  Who just died?  Did a tree (or a bear) just come thru a wall?  I jump out of bed and stand up in a hurry to go see wtf is up.  And I bang the everloving shit out of my head on that piece of shit ceiling hard enough to see stars and knock myself to the ground and take a knee.  Like seriously, I pulled a Tebow for the first time in my life.  I feel like I’m gonna go out cold.

Then I remember the crash.  Gotta go find out wtf it was…so I stagger out the door and down the stairs, which could have gotten ugly in and of itself I realize only later.  As it turns out, the crash was a huge and very heavy cabinet which had been hanging on the wall in the downstairs bathroom FOR MORE THAN FIFTEEN YEARS, which suddenly decided to pull loose from the wall and crash to the floor on the weekend I am trying to sleep under the ceiling from hell.  Come on Universe!!!  You can’t be serious with this shit!!!

Timing is everything, mine has always sucked.

The good news is that this particular blow to the head did at least get my attention and teach me the lesson to get into and out of that particular bed at the foot from now on.  Or so I thought…but we’ll come back to that.  But haunted cabinet gets moved out to the back deck for later disposal, and I go back to bed.  I climb in at the foot of the bed, while murmuring obscenities at that ceiling.

#’s 3 thru ???:  tWBS now has short term memory loss.

If you look at that photo, and see how that damned bed is situated, you can see that one must pretty much walk around the right corner to get to where my luggage and junk was stored.  And yes, given my particular height, that corner put me right at head level to the other side of that godforsaken ceiling.  Already concussed more than likely (not joking), I never did learn my lesson to duck as I went around that corner.

I honestly don’t know how many more times that weekend I hit my head on THAT side.  But it was a lot.  Most were incidental and mostly painless.  But two occasions were very hard and probably did additional concussive damage, as those two times I was in a hurry and banged into that damned ceiling really fucking hard in my haste to get to whatever it was I was trying to get to.  I really don’t remember anymore.  Most of the rest of the weekend is a haze at this point quite honestly (not joking).

But I’m OK coach…really…put me back in.

#WTF-ever:  The Big Head.

Note the window over the bed.  There is a security light outside it which shines thru it and casts a shadow on the bedroom door when it’s closed.  The last night I’m there, I wake up with a dry throat.  I lean over groggily (which is important to the story) to the night stand to grab my drink and have a sip.  When I do, I see something move out of the corner of my eye so I look over toward the door where the movement was.  I see the silhouette of what I believed at the time to be a murderous dwarf with a big head….and he’s blocking the door!!!!!

I jump out of bed.  Yes, on the left side because now I’m both stupid AND concussed, AND RAM MY HEAD STRAIGHT INTO THAT GODDAMNED CEILING AS HARD AS FUCK FOR A FOURTH FUCKING TIME!!!!!

I went down on both knees this time.  I probably looked like I was having a coming to Jesus moment.  I might have even been unconscious for a couple seconds…I’m honestly not sure.  Then I remember….MURDEROUS DWARF!!!!!  I hit the lights…nothing.  About 10 seconds later, my concussed but not yet swollen brain realizes that what I saw was THE SHADOW OF MY OWN FUCKING HEAD…as I leaned past the window to get my sip.  smgdh (ouch, can’t smgdh because it still hurts).

I shit you not…all of the above happened as described.  And there was more misery, trust me.  But that seems like enough sharing of my stupidity and cracked cranium at this point.  I don’t think I can bear sharing any more of my own embarrassment this week.

But fuck that fucking cabin.  And yes, when the gotdanged thing finally sells I’ll have to go back again to actually move the furniture I didn’t move this time.

I’m already pricing crash helmets.

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So how ’bout some wonderful to balance things out?  Redeeming.  Maybe even uplifting?

As I mentioned at the outset, most of this area is very economically depressed.  It is about a half hour outside Galax, Virginia,  just across the NC/VA border.  Galax proper is actually a pretty cool little town and is doing well as a rejuvenated hipster…errrr tourist destination, in spite of the surrounding areas floundering.  But the more rural areas surrounding it, not so much.  There used to be a lot of industry but it has unfortunately been outsourced now to overseas.  The people there persevere as best they can, but it is a struggle for them.  There are many cabins/houses for sale.  Most aren’t selling, but the ones that do are mostly bought now by folks who want weekend getaways.

But the next door neighbors of my relatives’ cabin are full time residents.  They are good great fan-fucking-tastic folks who selflessly look out for my peeps’ place when they aren’t around and do repairs and maintenance as needed.  Yet they refuse to accept a penny for it even though they could really use the money.  They are truly some of the most wonderful people I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting.

They are a married couple, a little older than myself but not by much.  They struggle daily to survive, quite frankly.  They have two adult sons, both of whom suffer from Down Syndrome.  They also have a disabled elderly gentleman, who is NOT related to them, living with them because he was forced out of the Virginia Medicaid/Public assistance system due to contraction/shutdowns in this area.  Like I said, economically depressed.

These two people, this couple, are dyed in the wool redneck to the N^th degree.  I’m not sure either has ever even been out of the commonwealth, let alone the county.  But trust me when I tell you that these two people are inspiring beyond belief.

They do what they must in order to make do.  They give their sons and this man a good life.  Think about that for a minute.  Think about how wonderful that is.  There are people who would have given up on their own disabled children because they didn’t want to be bothered.  Or couldn’t be bothered due to circumstance.  These people not only didn’t do that, but they took on the additional responsibility for this elderly gentleman with cerebral palsy when the system more or less booted him and he had nowhere else to go.

It is not an easy life under the best of circumstances.  In that area, it seems impossible.  But they do it, and they do it cheerfully.  They welcomed me, a stranger, into their home and were hospitable as hell.  Treated me like an old friend, no exaggeration.  Even ended up telling me that they wished that I’d buy my uncle’s cabin so they’d at least know they had good people there.  Yes, I know…I had the same thought…they don’t know me at all, huh? 😉

And honestly, if I didn’t already have so much on my plate here at home with family issues, not to mention now two houses to maintain here, I’d consider it.  That’s how much these folks inspired me.  They even told me that anytime I wanted to come up, even after the cabin sold, I could bunk with them.  And they were sincere, in spite of the fact that these people had never even met me before this past weekend.

I was told that I’d likely meet one of their sons while I was there (I did) and that I’d know if he likes me or not.  Apparently he doesn’t like most people (I can relate).  This boy…and that’s really what he is, a 9 year old boy in the body of a 36 year old man…is big into law enforcement.  He was even honored and given an official uniform by the local Sheriff’s Dept.  He now considers himself a Sheriff.  He has previously named my uncle who owns the cabin pictured above, as his deputy.

I’m happy to report that I have been named his 2nd Deputy.  So watch your steps you scofflaws, I gotz the law behind me now.

He hugged me when we were leaving.  Yes, I cried just a little bit.  OK, maybe more than just a little bit.  Sadly, I don’t have a photo of him.  I didn’t feel it proper to presume.  Plus I didn’t want to piss him off and lose my badge.

But I do have these two photos of the Valley in which they live.  The first was taken looking down into the valley.  It was taken atop Comers Rock (don’t say it).  And then a sunrise as it appeared looking toward their house next door.  Which frankly, I barely remember taking because…concussionz.

(again….both totally enlargeable)

One can find beauty and redemption nearly anywhere if one looks closely enough.  Just saying.

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So What’s Happening in The Sports World?

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d0VNHe5fq30]

Football

The Bears rolled into Lambeau last night looking for a little redemption from a 1-5 start.  They didn’t get it.  In spite of the Packers looking ripe for the plucking in the first half, they finally figured out they don’t have a running game and started throwing the hell out of the ball.  And the Bears still couldn’t do anything about it, even knowing this themselves (or at least they should have).  Aaron Rodgers now thinks he’s good again, and has now co-opted one of my all time favorite fictional characters.  I am not happy.  This aggression will not stand, man.

In the end, the Cheesedicks pulled away from the toothless Ursidae for a 26-10 victory.  But no one should be proud of this one.  Just another chapter in TNF, sadly.

Rapey McGreyPenis’ knee appears bad enough it might keep him sidelined as long as 4-6 weeks.  Yes, I linked this mostly because I like saying “Rapey McGreyPenis”.

Geno Smith gets the nod this week vs the Ravens over Ryan Fitzpatrick.  Not that we didn’t already see that coming.  But the best part about this is Brandon Marshall’s one liner.  Funny dude.  If you’ll recall, Geno lost his spot after getting his jaw all brokeded n junk in an altercation allegedly over a $600 plane fare.  Which still rings hollow between two well paid professional athletes.  But hey, if that’s the story we’re still going with, who am I to say differently?  No reports of Enemkpali breaking anyone’s anything in Buffalo…well other than his own knee.  Dick.

On the other side of the ball in what is sure to be the offensive juggernaut of the week, Joe Flacco missed practice on Wednesday and Thursday with a boo boo shoulder.  I was briefly hopeful that he might sit this week, then I remembered….Ryan Mallet.  smgdh.  When asked about the “injury”, Joe had this to say….

This latest injury isn’t about how much pain he can tolerate.

“It’s about making sure you can throw the ball good enough to help your team,” Flacco said.

Why start worrying about such things now, dipshit?

Baseball Playoffs

The Cleveland Indians did a good.  As was my wish (and my late season revised prediction, which I’m sure none of you read), the Tribe dispatched Toronto in five games (have a nice winter Jays, couldn’t happen to a nicer bunch) and is headed to the World Series for the first time since they screwed up against the Florida Marlins.  In truth that was a heckuva series.  Could have gone either way so no shame, really.  I’ll spare you the details, but giving up a 2 run lead in the last two innings of game 7 to force extras and then losing in extras…well, that’s always going to feel like screwing up to Cleveland.

But I digress…

The Indians now move on and will face either the Cubs or the Dodgers.

And this Cubs club, as much as I enjoy heaping shit upon them for history, appears to be different.  Having dropped the first game at Chavez Ravine, and with their fans taking to twitter by the masses to bemoan their apparently obvious fate…this club sacked up and beat the tar out of the Dodgers two nights in a row on the road.  Now they return home needing only a single win to return to the World Series for the first time since ’45.  And a chance to break the curse of not having won it all since ’08.  I’m not a Cubs fan, to be sure, but this could be history in the making.  And I have a hard time disliking their team.  Well aside from Aroldis Chapman.  Hopefully his girlfriend is keeping a low profile, just in case the curse arises in ChiTown.

Regardless of which of those two godforsaken teams manages to take the NL flag, I will be a Cleveland fan.  Those are not words which often exit my talk hole.

Hockey

There has been hockey being played.  Some teams are doing well, some are not.

In all seriousness, I haven’t paid close attention to anything but the Caps’ and Pens’ scores.  Haven’t even watched a second of hockey yet this season.  But here’s tonight’s shitty slate if you’re interested:

• Arizona at Islanders – 7:00pm
• Chicago at Columbus – 7:00pm
• Nashville at Detroit – 7:30pm

Odds and Ends

The golf world is still fellating Tiger Woods, even though he….well, I’ll shut up about that.  But it’s time to let it go folks.  The man should not get top billing for being such a shitty golfer now, that he was embarrassed to play in the Safeway Open (*snicker*…yep, still funny).  So get your noses out of his ass.

Yes, I’m really damned pissed off that this ESPN douche spent almost that entire article talking about a has been, rather than giving Ian Woosnam the props he deserves, dammit.  This guy should have been inducted into the HOF years ago.  But when he finally gets inducted, he gets pushed to the bottom of this ESPN article.  Fuck you, Bob Harig (the author of the ESPN piece linked above).  And also, where the hell did you go to school?  Did they not teach you the difference between “shutter” and “shudder”?  Did they not at least teach you to proofread the crap you write?  DOES ESPN NOT HAVE EDITORS FOR CHRISSAKES????

A good bit of “soul searching and honest reflection” went into Tiger Woods’ decision to skip last week’s Safeway Open with the rare admission that his game was “vulnerable,” causing the golf world to shutter.

And no, Bob…nobody is shuttering [sic].  Well, nobody other than Woods’ yuuuugggee vag.  Bob, you may now violate yourself rectally with a rusty pipe sans lube.

Also being inducted into the Golf HOF is Davis Love, III.  I could care less.  He played collegiality at U*NC so he can also receive anal trauma with the same rusty pipe when Bob is done with it.

(wow…I think I just reached fozzcendence)

Seamus Power update…just because I can.  He missed the cut at Safeway.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ytCEuuW2_A]

And yes, the news you’ve all been waiting to hear:  the NBA returns for real next week on Tuesday (I actually had to look it up…I didn’t know for sure).

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And now for something completely different

Yeah, I kinda got all mushy and rambled on earlier.  Sorry, I do that sometimes.  Fuck off.  But that doesn’t mean I don’t still appreciate a good revealing photo of an attractive gal.  And that’s what you’re all waiting for after all.  So now I gotta decide on a theme this week.  Girls of Appalachia seems like a bad idea, even I know that much.

But alas, Google is your friend, as always.  I give you “sexy mountain girls” (it’s better than it sounds…I promise).

Did ya ever do it on a rock?  Liars.

A little mud never hurt anybody.

That mountain behind you doesn’t look real, but I can’t say I’m complaining.

There’s allegedly a mountain in this photo, but I’ve yet to see it.

It’s gonna be cold out dear.  You better take a jacket.  Better to have it and not need it, you know?

Mountain bike, but still mountain, so shut up.

And finally, a lovely view.

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Ladies, I’ve got bonus features for you this week. (Don’t thank me just yet).

OK, sorry ladies.  Sometimes I think I’m funny when I’m not. (But this time…I am).  Here’s your real equal time hunkiness….

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OK, that’s it.  You already got some tWBS originals earlier.  I can’t spoil ya’s and give you more.  Besides, I don’t have that many good photos I’ve ever taken so I have to ration them or I’ll run out.

On second thought, DTZM is likely to fire me fairly soon anyway, so what the hell?  Here….

Now…..Go drink and type and do…whatever it is you perverts do after looking at those girlie photos.

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