Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 7, 2016

King Hippo

King Hippo

Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan.Also a proud fookin’ Evertonian.Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child.[Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
King Hippo

This weekend came and went. I didn’t particularly enjoy it, and the Donks still can make things worse with a MNF shitshow. I am reticent. THANK FUCK for HillyBob’s steadfast competence.

Speaking of steadfast competence, that is all we had seen from the Vikings and Sam Bradford. NO MOAR. After a first quarter that was equally ridiculous on both sides (including a Minny failure to score after their D gave the O the ball on the Iggles’ 1), Philly bashed the Vikes’ brains in. Bradford was particularly awful, turning the ball over as if he were Ryan Leaf on crack. A one off, or a harbinger of doooooom? Dunno, we shall see.

So, no more unbeatens. But Factory? Yeah, they still bear they Scarlet Zero. Despite showing signs of competence under 6th (or is it like 17th??) string QB Kevin Hogan. You know, the guy from Stanford who didn’t really throw much in college. God help those poor fucks once teams have film on him. The Bungles turned pre-halftime clock mismanagement into a successful Hail Mary because of course they did.

Game of the day? Those poor fucking Chargers finally don’t get bit in the ass in an end-game scenario. Oh, how they ALMOST did. But they DIDN’T. King Laserface wins the game after coming back from 17 down in regulation. 3-4 on the way to Mile High next week, he’s gonna get (or at least SHOULD get) MVP votes.

HOWEVER…Mike McCoy did a real stupid in not trying to get the TD in OT, rather setting up a 42-yard FG ON FIRST DOWN instead. Uh…your kicking team has already shown a penchant for fucking things up, and a 40+ yarder should NEVER be viewed as a gimme. You have a veteran QB at the very top of his game – LET HIM try to win the game first. If that fails, THEN kick.

Stupidity in kicking was the name of the game in the late window. Down 11 with 9 minutes left, Mike Tomlin opted to try a 54-yard FG IN HEINZ FIELD, rather than go for it on 4th and 2. This is just very, very stupid maths. Given the atrocious record of kickers from 50+ at this venue, this was an almost Hail Mary shot (5-10%, max), still leaving you needing a TD and 2-point conversion. Not to mention the likelihood of prime field position for the P*ts, or even the odds of a block that could be run back. Whereas 4th and 2 is like a coinflip. Again, this gambler’s fallacy of the magic of “ONE SCORE GAME” as if it’s the same as tying the score 15 seconds from OT. Sheer madness, but tis a shiny object coaches grab at, logic be damned. Shit, even PUNTING makes more sense than the FG. Which was, naturally, shanked badly. The score never changed. Landry Jones sucks.

Want to see stupid on the other end? Down 27-14, 6 minutes to play, 4th and goal from about the 10…Chip Kelly kicks the FG. Because THAT’s the time not to worry about how many possessions are left in the game, apparently. Perhaps he started his own kicker in a very large dollar fantasy league? Anyway, they ended up losing 34-17, because they suck. Jacquizz Rodgers went off, as did the random fucker who backs him up.

Hey, let’s hear it for Detroit! It sure looked like they were gonna blow it, but Fathead Stafford took his charges right down the field and its the Redacteds who lose late and painfully, 20-17.

Across the pond, Elisha gets his strange Euro-juicebox after all, with a grueling 17-10 over RAM IT! Mom always said if you don’t have anything nice to say, yadda yadda…

Oakland is the team whose performance perhaps varies most wildly and inexplicably from week to week. “Good Raiders” made it to Duuuuuuuval this Sunday, and man, do the Jaguras look a mess. 33-16, and it easily could have been worse.

Chefs? Also winners, over “Bad Saints” who vary wildly but VERY explicably via home/road splits. Don’t look now, but the AFC West looks tough from top to bottom again. KEEP THIS TREND GOING, Donks. Do it FOAR KUBES (and me).

Crap, I keep forgetting to talk about another very good fixture, where Andy Luck took the Humps on his barn raisin’ back YET AGAIN and led them to victory in Nashville, 34-26. A late TD drive, down 23-20, was the pivotal sequence of the game, and it was all Luck individual effort. He’s a remarkably good, somehow underappreciated player. His owner is a real asshole, and I hate to say that about a fellow pill fan.

Miami beat Buffalo today, with Jay Ajayi going 200+ back to back, much like Inspector Nordberg, but without killing his ex-wife and a Jewish waiter.

Last and definitely least (of the non-SNF fixtures)…we have Geno-owie replacing Fitz beating (by default) ELITE Joe. I just want to bleach everything about this one out of my memory banks, and given the state of my brain that’s purty darned easy to do! 4 losses is a row for the Ratbirds. Deserved.

SNF. Important, but impotent. Carson Palmer is shite, peeps. Whatever he may have once possessed, it is G-O-N-E. That’s a pretty big limiting reagent, too bad because the defense is rounding into form and David Johnson is an absolute monster. The rest of the fixture simply had to be seen to be believed. I can assure you that weather was NOT a factor, however.

King Hippo
King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]

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UnsurprisedMoose -The End Is Well NighscotchnautLow Commander of the Super Soldiersblaxabbath Recent comment authors
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Check it out, the one time a black player is described as “athletic” and it’s not a racist dogwhistle!

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blaxabbath
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That was a great play; fucking 24 yards!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Should have been against the Bolts.

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trollsoharduniversity

They made a movie about “Bad Saints.” I think it was called “Spotlight”

scotchnaut

THE GIANTS D IS BACK!

No it isn’t fanbase. If a D needs 4 intercepts to squeak out a one score margin of victory then no, it is not. Four of those should lead to a blowy-outy situation. Yes the O was incompetence personified but I’ll be dealing with that in my update.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Are you going to DEAL with it, deal with it, or just deal with it, deal with it?

scotchnaut

? I’m going to deal with it.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

OK, got ya.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

DUR DE DUR Bradford! Apparently nobody watched the actual game. All three of Bradford’s first-half turnovers resulted from pressure in his face, including a pair of strip-sacks surrendered by freshly signed left tackle Jake Long being a god damn screen door without the spring. Minus both starting tackles for the rest of the season, the Vikings tried all kinds of things with the offensive line on the fly, utilizing a three-man tackle rotation of Long, T.J. Clemmings and Jeremiah Sirles. THAT is desperation. I’m not saying Bradford is anything above a bottom 12 starter, but no QB would have flourished or even been respectable with those kind of protection issues.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Which may, in and of itself, bring Mr. Balls’ fateful “Breaking of Bradford” prediction to fruition.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
laserguru

I have one final blurred memory from the hotel bar last night.
I was speaking and drinking with a very lovely lady for a period of time when her friends came to the bar and asked her “So who’s your new friend?”
She replied “Well, he works in aerospace, he’s a humorist, a writer, a chef, a food blogger and he writes dick jokes!”

She nailed it.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

*Assesses life to apply nouns*

*Cries*

blaxabbath
Senor Weaselo

The last of those is of course the most important.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
BrettFavresColonoscopy

In conclusion, coaches are dumb and the quality of play continues to decline. We’re all so dumb for continuing to spend so much time on this sport.

/see you all tonight on the MNF open thread

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I would like to see coaches be able to randomly criticize people who are mid-career about their jobs without knowing details affecting decisions and lacking any detailed knowledge of your coworkers.

Of course we already have people in this role; they are called management. However having someone else do it may be amusing.

Senor Weaselo

But why are ratings going down?
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blaxabbath

It could have nothing to do with rule interpretations that reach the point that the broadcasters just laugh when they see flags and say, “Well, who really knows anymore?”

That lends a lot of credibility to the league.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

http://cjzero.com/gifs/PhilRiversWantsSnap.gif

Coaching turn-over and the expectation of immediate results influencing decisions, yearly player turnover, limiting practices, less college stress on teaching fundamentals, etc., etc., etc. But we as Americans want a simplistic POV (tl;dr) that involves NO real analysis, and to have a very handy scapegoat. The only “debate” is screaming about which scapegoat is the scapegoatiest.

Fronkenshteen

Why can’t kickers hit from distance in Pittsburgh? It’s not particularly windy there. I’ve never understood this.

ballsofsteelandfury

Actually, it is. The layout of the stadium produces weird and unpredictable wind patterns from the river.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Also shitty, shitty turf.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Given the NFL’s ratings woes, last night’s abortion of a game had to be the worst thing possible at the worst possible time. Primetime game, no conflict with baseball, no political stuff, and THAT is what people get to see.

blaxabbath

At least Cris and Al didn’t complete skewer the refs and pleased Shield brass by pinning everything on the players.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

If you stop, I’ll stop.

Until then…

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I enjoyed the shit out of that game, with the exception of the end result. In these days of Redzone and FF, and general OCD the appreciation of that type of game is mostly a thing of the past.

blaxabbath

Aside from the Birdcano season being over before the bye, my takeaway from last night is that, if it’s okay to jump over a lineman during a field goal attempt so long as you do not hurt them, then I think this same standard should be applied to all the other weak-ass “player protection” penalties that are in place. This bullshit about quarterbacks dropping their heads and their helmet getting brushed being a 15 yard penalty should be gone. Brushing the laces of a punter shouldn’t be an automatic first down. Bring back the 5 yard facemask. Your lineman survive a chop block? Then it wasn’t a chop block.

Also, those SNF refs were as terrible as the NFC West’s special teams units.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I think the NFL could do without 95% of the penalties and rules.

IOW, I think I’m going to start watching rugby. Maybe AFL.

ballsofsteelandfury

Yay AFL!

Fronkenshteen

Let offensive linemen flinch, for chrissakes.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons
Unsurprised
Unsurprised

https://twitter.com/i/moments/790224193929347072

Random Thoughts:

1) Atlanta’s D is as big as a house.

Atlanta’s D is as big as a house.

2) Leave it to the Jets to be on the losing end of the biggest clusterfuck play of the week.

3) And that was before they gave up a TD because the punter can’t catch a fucking ball, all in this week’s episode of INFINITE JETS.

4) Given the state of the season, Josh Huff is lucky Roger Goodell didn’t shoot him for diving into the endzone.

5) FATGUYDOWN!

6) THIS ALEX SMITH. I CALL HIM MR. PLOW BECAUSE HIS COMPETENCE IS LIMITED TO SHOVELS.

7) Buffalo … scored!?

8) The Giants’ receiving corps is wasted on the Giants, which is the perfect microcosm of the NFL.

9) 4 INT? Case Keenum obviously misunderstood RAMIT to mean shoving the game up his own ass.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

References to jokes in Predator will ALWAYS get a +1 from me.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

6A) THIS ALEX SMITH. I CALL HIM MR. PLOW BECAUSE HE’S ONLY GOOD WITH SHOVELS

theeWeeBabySeamus

4 losses is a row for the Ratbirds. Deserved.

Didn’t even deserve wins 1-3 if we’re being honest.

ballsofsteelandfury

The Steelers game was a study in frustration. I mean, I knew they were going to lose, but the way they played was frustrating.

But the SNF game made it all worthwhile. There is your ratings decline, NFL.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised
blaxabbath

I enjoyed this one.

http://i.imgur.com/MF0UXFK.png

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons
Doktor Zymm

The first 10 minutes of Vikes/Eagles was just straight comedy. After that I switched games, but every time I peeked back I saw Bradford turning it over. That fabulous D is apparently gonna have to do all the scoring on that team. They were probably too tired to crush Wentz as much as they could of, since keeping them off the field for more than one play seemed like quite the struggle.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I’m trying to stop, but come on. Bradford’s nickname totally has to be Indian Giver at this point.

blaxabbath

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised
Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons
laserguru

The offensive line couldn’t have stopped an apathetic brownie troupe yesterday.
Serious cause for concern.

I’m still floating on a cloud of unexpected postseason Cubs magic so I can’t hate anything right now.

blaxabbath

The things offensive line nightmares are made of….

http://i.huffpost.com/gen/1773396/images/o-TROOP-BEVERLY-HILLS-facebook.jpg

Don T

After two weeks of Super Marcus, Wariota returns for the Titans. Feh part II: XP missed, secondary sucked even more, and the Colts O-line looked good. I have a little mind; where’s the damn consistency goblin?

blaxabbath

AFC South talk is as foreign to me as when MAX PREPS comes on the radio Saturday mornings when I’m doing yard work.

Don T

And yet, 3 of 4 AFC South teams have the same number of Ws than the Cards
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blaxabbath

Hey, I’m not knocking the potential of anyone from the South to end up in a 6-6 tie after four hours! But, more importantly, where is that woman in the meme from?

Don T

Popular meme on the español web. For the record, in PR we say “Warebel”.