Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 7, 2016

This weekend came and went. I didn’t particularly enjoy it, and the Donks still can make things worse with a MNF shitshow. I am reticent. THANK FUCK for HillyBob’s steadfast competence.

Speaking of steadfast competence, that is all we had seen from the Vikings and Sam Bradford. NO MOAR. After a first quarter that was equally ridiculous on both sides (including a Minny failure to score after their D gave the O the ball on the Iggles’ 1), Philly bashed the Vikes’ brains in. Bradford was particularly awful, turning the ball over as if he were Ryan Leaf on crack. A one off, or a harbinger of doooooom? Dunno, we shall see.

So, no more unbeatens. But Factory? Yeah, they still bear they Scarlet Zero. Despite showing signs of competence under 6th (or is it like 17th??) string QB Kevin Hogan. You know, the guy from Stanford who didn’t really throw much in college. God help those poor fucks once teams have film on him. The Bungles turned pre-halftime clock mismanagement into a successful Hail Mary because of course they did.

Game of the day? Those poor fucking Chargers finally don’t get bit in the ass in an end-game scenario. Oh, how they ALMOST did. But they DIDN’T. King Laserface wins the game after coming back from 17 down in regulation. 3-4 on the way to Mile High next week, he’s gonna get (or at least SHOULD get) MVP votes.

HOWEVER…Mike McCoy did a real stupid in not trying to get the TD in OT, rather setting up a 42-yard FG ON FIRST DOWN instead. Uh…your kicking team has already shown a penchant for fucking things up, and a 40+ yarder should NEVER be viewed as a gimme. You have a veteran QB at the very top of his game – LET HIM try to win the game first. If that fails, THEN kick.

Stupidity in kicking was the name of the game in the late window. Down 11 with 9 minutes left, Mike Tomlin opted to try a 54-yard FG IN HEINZ FIELD, rather than go for it on 4th and 2. This is just very, very stupid maths. Given the atrocious record of kickers from 50+ at this venue, this was an almost Hail Mary shot (5-10%, max), still leaving you needing a TD and 2-point conversion. Not to mention the likelihood of prime field position for the P*ts, or even the odds of a block that could be run back. Whereas 4th and 2 is like a coinflip. Again, this gambler’s fallacy of the magic of “ONE SCORE GAME” as if it’s the same as tying the score 15 seconds from OT. Sheer madness, but tis a shiny object coaches grab at, logic be damned. Shit, even PUNTING makes more sense than the FG. Which was, naturally, shanked badly. The score never changed. Landry Jones sucks.

Want to see stupid on the other end? Down 27-14, 6 minutes to play, 4th and goal from about the 10…Chip Kelly kicks the FG. Because THAT’s the time not to worry about how many possessions are left in the game, apparently. Perhaps he started his own kicker in a very large dollar fantasy league? Anyway, they ended up losing 34-17, because they suck. Jacquizz Rodgers went off, as did the random fucker who backs him up.

Hey, let’s hear it for Detroit! It sure looked like they were gonna blow it, but Fathead Stafford took his charges right down the field and its the Redacteds who lose late and painfully, 20-17.

Across the pond, Elisha gets his strange Euro-juicebox after all, with a grueling 17-10 over RAM IT! Mom always said if you don’t have anything nice to say, yadda yadda…

Oakland is the team whose performance perhaps varies most wildly and inexplicably from week to week. “Good Raiders” made it to Duuuuuuuval this Sunday, and man, do the Jaguras look a mess. 33-16, and it easily could have been worse.

Chefs? Also winners, over “Bad Saints” who vary wildly but VERY explicably via home/road splits. Don’t look now, but the AFC West looks tough from top to bottom again. KEEP THIS TREND GOING, Donks. Do it FOAR KUBES (and me).

Crap, I keep forgetting to talk about another very good fixture, where Andy Luck took the Humps on his barn raisin’ back YET AGAIN and led them to victory in Nashville, 34-26. A late TD drive, down 23-20, was the pivotal sequence of the game, and it was all Luck individual effort. He’s a remarkably good, somehow underappreciated player. His owner is a real asshole, and I hate to say that about a fellow pill fan.

Miami beat Buffalo today, with Jay Ajayi going 200+ back to back, much like Inspector Nordberg, but without killing his ex-wife and a Jewish waiter.

Last and definitely least (of the non-SNF fixtures)…we have Geno-owie replacing Fitz beating (by default) ELITE Joe. I just want to bleach everything about this one out of my memory banks, and given the state of my brain that’s purty darned easy to do! 4 losses is a row for the Ratbirds. Deserved.

SNF. Important, but impotent. Carson Palmer is shite, peeps. Whatever he may have once possessed, it is G-O-N-E. That’s a pretty big limiting reagent, too bad because the defense is rounding into form and David Johnson is an absolute monster. The rest of the fixture simply had to be seen to be believed. I can assure you that weather was NOT a factor, however.