As an homage to the overused sports writing trope of “[X number] Burning, Itching, Throbbing Questions for [X Team/X Sport/X League]”, I present to you a list of questions that I, an uninformed and easily distracted NFL fan, had after Week 7. This week, I watched a little bit of the Bears v. Packers game, but those teams are garbage, so I turned it off. I was flying on Sunday on Southwest, so I was stuck with alternating between the Pats v. Steelers and Falcons v. Chargers. I also watched a bit of Texans v. Broncos while I was fixing shit around my house. I also saw “Middle School: The Worst Years of My Life” in the theater. Do not see this movie.
- Did you know Landry Jones is from New Mexico?
- Do you think his mustache is a sign of affluence in his home town?
- One time my brother and I were flying out of Albuquerque, and there was a fairly attractive girl in her early 20s sitting on the floor with two black eyes and a bandage on her nose. A huge guy in an Ed Hardy t-shirt walks up and starts talking to her in a low voice. My brother and I give each other a sideways “what the fuck” glance. All of a sudden, like 10 people in MMA gear walk up and start talking to her about her match the night before at some casino on a reservation down there. Did you know that Albuquerque is the capital of MMA? It is fitting.
- Do you think green chile is overrated?
- Mark Schlereth, a white guy from Alaska, hawks green chile on radio in Denver all of the time. Is there a dumber football personality on television today?
- Are you surprised that Schlereth’s favorite player is an unknown white fullback for the Broncos named Andy Janovich, whom he has dubbed “Ampipe”?
- Why do I ever listen to sports radio in Denver?
- The Georgia Dome needs a lot more lighting, right?
- Is it pretty fitting that Atlanta’s new stadium will open like an anus?
- Do you think they designed it that way as a reference to the Falcons shitting out a terrible product or the Falcons fucking their fans in their asses?
- Who has more bandwagon fans, the Steelers or the Cubs?
- With that offense, shouldn’t the Steelers be better than they are without Roethlisberger?
- Have you ever spelled “Roethlisberger” right on the first try? I haven’t.
- How old do you think Big Ben was when he learned to spell his name?
- Can Roethlisberger read?
- Am I the only person who isn’t that annoyed by Joe Buck and can easily tune him out?
- Do you think Fox makes him push one player ad nauseum throughout his broadcasts (Baumgartner, Kershaw, and now Schwarber)?
- Is anyone as FUCKING JACKED UP as I am for the Titans-Jags game tonight?
- Remember when people predicted the Jags to be good?
- Does Bort Bortles still date the attractive girl from college, or did she refuse to move to Jacksonville with him?
- Would you leave your significant other if he or she asked you to move to Jacksonville?
- So that Brock Osweiler signing isn’t looking too great right now, is it?
- Do you think he ever fixed his tattoo or does he live life with “no ragrets”?
- Isn’t a misspelled tattoo a red flag for GMs?
- Would you want your team to draft a guy with a big “DEEZ NUTS” tattoo on his neck if he were good?
8. Now that you mention it….YEAH. Seems like The Ben would love playing there just because of THE IMPLICATION
11. yes
18. Titans/Jaguras COLOUR RUSH, what MOAR do you want, America??
24. FOAR a QB, it really should be. Elway seems to have a moderate blind spot there. He was buddies with Elway’s kid.
Schlereth is referencing Tom Cruise’s character in “All The Right Moves”, Stef Djordjevic, who played for Ampipe.
http://content.internetvideoarchive.com/content/photos/006/271_025.jpg
http://www.bloodygoodhorror.com/bgh/files/reviews/caps/vampires-kiss.jpg
I deserved that…
New Mexico doesn’t offer much but, what it does put out, is premo shit.
http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2014/01/14/article-2539489-1AAAED8400000578-650_634x592.jpg
13: That’s at least partially why I’ve defaulted to “Rapey McGreyPenis”. Not totally, but at least partially. Also, it’s a funny name.
18: Dammit…football again already?
2. Offering mustache rides to any and all comers (PHRASING!) didn’t hurt.
10. Yes.
14. Still trying, but he keeps breaking, then eating, the crayon.
23. Does he even realize it’s messed up, or does he think people are just fucking with him?
25. Where on his neck? Like, on the side by an ear or right under his chin?
Asking if there is a dumber football personality on television than X (it really doesn’t matter who you are talking about) is like going to a very sandy beach and musing about whether there is a beach out there somewhere that is even MORE sandy.
Can’t get any more sandy.
#16: Most likely, yes.
1. I forgot about that. An Artesia boy, no less. I hated those guys. We played them in football; they’re all giant, dumb west Texas rednecks.
2. It is.
3. Was it Holly Holm? She’s from outside Albuquerque. Anyway, Greg Jackson’s gym is in Albuquerque. And since there’s nothing to do but kick each other’s asses, yeah, it’s a real shocker that MMA is big in Burque.
4. I WILL FUCKING CUT YOU!
5. Colorado green chile is inferior to New Mexico (Hatch, naturally) green chile in every way. And of course the “sauce” has pork in it. Fucking savage. It’s not a sauce; it’s a entree in and of itself that you also happen to add to, well, everything.
6. Alaska is Trump Country, so … No. Also, it’s funny in that Trump would 100% sell back Alaska to Russia if he becomes President.
10. It’s how the South fucks the rest of the country and the world in the ass on a daily basis because of the bullshit “peculiarities” of the American political system.
11. Steelers.
19. No.
21. I WILL FUCKING CUT THEM!
22. Yeah, it’s a real shocker that Houston did something stupid.
25. Sure. I just wouldn’t allow him anywhere near women, non-whites, or the gays.
6. Give. Trump will give Alaska back to Russia, probably while on bended knee.
I stand corrected
5. NOT FOR LONG (THANK JEEBUS)
18. I’m fuckin’ AMP’D for JAX@TEN
19. Yes. I beat the Jax Is Good drum heartily, like a 70s father after unbuckling his belt.
Gronk has to have a Deez Nuts tattoo already.
Is there a dumber football personality on television today?
Yes, there is, Jeem. It’s Feel Seems.
Ronde Barber is feeling neglected from this conversation.
25. I don’t care if he’s good. I want DEEZ NUTS guy on my team.