Your “Please, Can I Have Only One Travesty Aired To Me Live This Week?” Monday Night Football Open Thread

I’m not the biggest fan of this evening but I recognize that it does have its merits. Folks love to get jazzed up for this and there are little if any consequences down the road unless you end up punching a cop. (If at all possible, please don’t punch a cop) Compare this day to Christmas-the other big hullabaloo day that folks get all wigged out over. For one thing, you aren’t required to spend it with relatives. Two-no gift buying for “loved ones”. Three-there’s no chance whatsoever that you feel the need to call out your racist aunt/uncle/sister/brother/mother/dad/cousin over the dinner table. Four-there’s no big pressure to attend a “LET’S GO PARTY!!!” event a mere seven days after that first get-together. Five-while there are those of you that have had Xmas hookups, I’ll bet my last Anne Coulter skeleton outfit that many more of you have had a post-All Hallow’s Eve romp in the hay. TO THE GAME!

Minny/Chi-Much like Andy Reid borrowing Micheal Phelps’ Speedo for his Halloween costume, this game might be gag-worthy. The Vikes D is nuts-they’re #1 in takeaways, they give up a mere 279 yards each game and only 14 points on average. The Bears O has scored over 20 points only once so far and Minny has allowed that total only the one time. The churlish cat that is qb Cutler has his work cut out for him. The Bears situation is so bad that outside consultants have been brought in by the McCaskeys to spell out to them just exactly how this isn’t their fault. Though it’s relatively early, I’ve no doubt that of all the cell phones that Belichick has instructed his minions to bug, the Vikes coaching staff is the top priority. I say the Berserkers take this one handily.

That’s it-GO GET ‘EM, COMMENTERS!!!

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ThursdaySkyGoddess
Croooow

A Gruden Grinder sounds like a really shitty, greasy sandwich.

Lothar of the Hill People

It’s not a sandwich: it’s a sex position.

LemonJello

Is it related in any way to the Cleveland Steamer?

Lothar of the Hill People

It’s what comes immediately after the Cleveland Steamer, yeah.

Lothar of the Hill People

“Hey, let’s wear costumes to the Bears game!”

“OK, what should I wear?”

“GO AS A MOTHERFUCKING RED CRAYON!”

“Oh wow, man, this meth is good.”

BrettFavresColonoscopy

In all likelihood, that’s a NW Indiana Bears fan…

Brocky

As a NWI Bears fan myself I was gonna argue then:

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okay the meth is bad in the state, but I wouldn’t say up here. Get south of indy with all the trump/pence supporters however…

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Oh, and this fucks me for survivor and my cover5 league, so I’m sure the Cubs will break my heart tomorrow night, too.

/glass can’t be half empty if you break it over your own head

Spanky Datass

Lisa Salters: (Cutler) “…wasn’t really paying attention to that noise, DIDN’T REALLY CARE …”
?!? Awesome!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

This is the best work by a Dowell since my last trip to IKEA

King Hippo

again, the QB and the RB leading the Bears to this victory are guys that John Fox has tried as hard as he can to bury on the bench.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

“Every inch matters” is also the name of my sex tape

Lothar of the Hill People

For some reason, this game is reminding me of a really bad joke.

Why do you wrap a hamster up in duct tape?

So it doesn’t explode when you fuck it.

Brick Meathook

Mercedes-Benz vans: the final solution to your moving needs.

King Hippo

I laughed WAY harder at that than is socially acceptable

LemonJello

Me, too.

ballsofsteelandfury

Banner quote? Banner quote!

Spanky Datass

/oven joke

Col. Duke LaCross

GHOST!

Brocky
King Hippo

hopefully that TD is just a bit of foreshadowing that TEH INJUNS IS COMIN!!!!

Shogun Marcus

As a fan of all forms of chaos, inter-division mediocrity, and continuing displays of why Goodell continues to be a gotdam national disgrace, I support this sudden display of ursine cromulence.

LemonJello

WHAT IS GOING ON AT SOLDIER FIELD?
http://replygif.net/i/1338.gif
I’M SO CONFUSED!

Lothar of the Hill People

Holy fuck. Trevathan just back-somersaulted into a handstand. In shoulder pads.

Lothar of the Hill People

Cutler is… good?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

That’s what I’ve been saying for years, but NOBODY in Chicago would listen!

King Hippo

CATLER IS THE PROBLEM!!!1111

/team goes 0-6 without him

UH????? WHA HAPPEN???

King Hippo

I would like to stay up late enough to listen to Catler throw shade at John Fox. But I won’t. Or will his DOOOONNNN’T CAAAAAAARRRRRE overwhelm his cat pride?

Senor Weaselo

Will he strut to the microphone?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vEtbfzMLVWU

King Hippo

if he came up to the podium snapping his fingers, that would be SO BADASS

Shogun Marcus

No no no. His urine will overpower the cat’s pride. It’s not great litter.

WCS

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Traditional Bears would go three and out here, punt, give up a TD. If these Bears kill clock and/or add insurance points, then I am very concerned about using up tomorrow’s little Bear magic.

Brocky

you were willing to go for it on 4th down 3 plays ago. what a difference 2 yards must make

BrettFavresColonoscopy

The Vikings are banking on the Bears to hand them a score or two on defense.

Which is not at all unreasonable based on history.

WCS

Lothar of the Hill People

It’s really nice of Minnesota to be running a ball-control, clock-killing offense for the Bears.

Sill Bimmons

Always remember: a thoroughly saturated corneal glycocalyx is a thoroughly happy corneal glycocalyx!

Sill Bimmons
Brocky

Evening. How was y’all nights so far?

http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m1euimBWvs1qbbs8oo1_500.gif

King Hippo

how he get his paws to work that etch-a-sketch??

ThursdaySkyGoddess
Shogun Marcus
Brick Meathook

My comment is awaiting moderation? I’m hurt by this…

BrettFavresColonoscopy

You know what you did

Brick Meathook

Who do you gotta fuck around here to post a pic from “Ed Wood ?”

Horatio Cornblower

Sean McDonough: “Jon, I think when they’re watching this game a lot of our fans are asking…”

Unless you finish that sentence with ‘why do I hate myself so much that I’m still watching this shitfest’ you are dead wrong about what I’m thinking.

Senor Weaselo

What in the wide world of sports is exactly going on? And how?

Brick Meathook

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Lothar of the Hill People

I earned this Purple Heart by getting shot in the dick, twice. But Donald here earned his the easy way, by having a racist old soldier give him his.

LemonJello

How many hits before Bradford gets broken again?

Duchess

Lothar of the Hill People

Let’s ask Mr. Owl.

“One…. two-hoo…. three!”

Brick Meathook

Thuh-rheeee

Duchess

The Cubs are in the World Series, Trump is running for President and the Bears are winning a home game at night. We are through the looking glass.

Romonobyl

That’s what happens when you take both the blue pill AND the red pill.

Senor Weaselo

I thought you get an erection (as long as it’s less than four hours) and become a misogynist. And I just set someone up for the punchline of this joke.

Brocky

bears did beat gb on thanksgiving last year thank you very much*

*knows that was a highly circumstantial win, is unwilling to push that point farther

Lothar of the Hill People

Harrison Smith is having a craptacular game.

He is getting abused by Loggains.

Beerguyrob

Will the catnip in his insulin show up in Catler’s piss test?

LemonJello

If they can get a sample from the litterbox before he buries it too deep.

Shogun Marcus

They have shots for th…oh wait.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

So, Oakland loses to New England in the AFF Championship game and, what, DAK over Minnesota for the NFC? Anyone else any good (other than Denver, who will find away to Divine Brown a game in the playoffs)?

Lothar of the Hill People

Dunno. The way Carr is playing, I’m not sure New England is a sure thing.

Brick Meathook

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Romonobyl

THIS is one of the league’s top defenses?

Lothar of the Hill People

Give the Bears some credit, their playcalling has been excellent.

Alshon doesn’t drop the ball twice, the Bears are blowing the fuck out of the Vikings.

And this is what frustrates me about this season. The Bears can actually be good. Yeah, injuries have really killed them, but it’s more that they’ve been their own worst enemies.

Duchess

its amazing what happens when the QB remembers to throw to Alshon.

Lothar of the Hill People

For all the hate Cutler gets, he has a fucking great arm. Probably too good, because he makes stupid-ass throws that 90% of QBs wouldn’t even try.

King Hippo

I’d happily take him back in Denver

Romonobyl

I just wish he wouldn’t lick his butt in front of company.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Where we’re going, you don’t need Rhodes

Gratliff

/pops in
BADFORD IS BACK! GIMME THEM EARLY DRAFT PICKS!
/pops out

King Hippo

talkin’ bout Xavier Rhoades WHOAAAAAAAAOOOH, Xavier Rhoades

Spanky Datass
BrettFavresColonoscopy

THIS BEARS TEAM I CALL THEM A LAP DANCE BECAUSE THEY GET YOU EXCITED EVEN THOUGH YOU KNOW THEY WON’T FINISH THE JOB

LemonJello
Lothar of the Hill People

So what the fuck is this? Cutler keeps throwing the ball to these tall white guys who look like skinny offensive linemen. Do other teams have guys like this? Why would Cutler keep throwing the ball to these guys? And why do they keep on catching it?

LemonJello

Two words: Primo Catnip.

Lothar of the Hill People

So my daughter dressed up in her Rey costume, and my nearly 4 year-old son wanted to be Kylo Ren. They looked really cute together (and damned well they should have–my daughter’s costume cost $55), but so many people complimented me on my son’s costume, saying how cute he was, etc.

I had to keep pointing out to people that KYLO REN KILLED HIS FATHER. WHY ON EARTH WOULD I BE PLEASED THAT MY KID WANTS TO BE KYLO REN?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Because it’s totally normal that he wants to kill his father and then…

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King Hippo

I try not to think what my 15-year old daughters are doing at this “bonfire” they are at tonight, but hey…NO $55 costumes!!!

LemonJello

I’m right there with you. OrangeJello is 17 and I remind her often that I have both a shotgun and a shovel, and I know how to use them both.

I usually get an eyeroll in response, but I’m not a grandfather (yet)!

LemonJello

My youngest, TangerineJello, went as Zombie Dorothy one year – blue gingham dress, ruby slippers, zombie make-up. Try explaining that a million times to all the other parents…

...

During the World Series, I keep seeing promos for Skip Bayless and Shannon Sharpe throwing the sport commentary equivalent of acid (always about the Cowboys for some reason) in each other’s face. The one part that sticks out at the end is that this show of their lasts from 9:30 a.m. to noon. Who on Earth would watch two and a half hours of that shit?

Lothar of the Hill People

Meth addicts.

Brick Meathook

I hear they get great ratings among the prized county jail inmate demographic.

Spanky Datass

The same unemployed men who call in to sparts talk radio shows while drunk in the middle of the afternoon with their HAWT SPARTS TEAKS!!!!1!!!1

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Halftime Treehouse of Horror? Don’t mind if I do…

Lothar of the Hill People

Stephen A Smith is the candy corn of sports talking heads.

LemonJello