If you haven’t felt the season fly by fairly quickly, I envy you and wish you well in your battle with acne. You see, as one ages time tends run faster. Someone that may or may not be smarter than me attributes this phenomenon to the fact that there is a distinct lack of “firsts” that occur as we grow older. These “first times” (getting a license, getting laid, killing a hobo, marrying a hobo’s widow, OD-ing on laundry detergent, changing underwear, etc.) are reference points by which our memory marks time. With a decreasing amount of fresh reference points, time feels as though it has sped up. That’s the theory, anyway. What’s that you say, “Shut up, scotchy. I didn’t come here to have some half-assed brain fart of a theory with more holes in it than a colander shoved in my face against my will by some drunk whose rancid breath I can smell from here!” My, aren’t we cranky this morning… TO THE GAMES!
Pit/Cle-The Steelers have lost 3 straight on the road and it gets worse-4 of their next 5 are away. Not sure if Kessler or McCown are starting today but you’re right, it makes no matter. If you’re the type to be concerned with that you’re also curious about exactly how the deck chairs were arranged on the Titanic. It looks as though 8-8 or 9-7 is going to take the AFC North so Pit needs this to stay on the Ravens heels.
Bal/Dal-Speaking of the Ravens, it looks as though the Cowboys are going to do the Steelers a solid. (is that still used?) Dallas is favoured by 8 the last time I looked and Baltimore always loses by single digits so that’s a tough call. How the Ravens manage to stay close when Flacco has a 9/9 TD/Int ratio is beyond my comprehension. One TD per game? Wow. DAK! has thrown for 35 less yards and is at 14/2. So how does he pull that off when his fave target is Cole Freakin’ Beasley? I think this is the final confirmation that there is no governing intelligence in the universe.
Jax/Det-Qb Chunky Lardtrough is having him quite the season. It looks as though this might lead to a very healthy contract that he’ll not come remotely close to performing up to. Still, that kind of money buys a lot of Keebler elves and who really can put a price on their tasty cookies? The Jags “Fire Gus Bradley” movement continues apace in the form of god-awful play on the field and thinly-disguised despair in the locker room.
Ten/Ind-Both teams have alternated wins with losses for the last 5 weeks. Given that they each lost last week, logic dictates that they both must lose today. I don’t know how they’re going to pull it off but I have tremendous faith in the mediocrity of these teams. Two teams enter, both dissemble.
Buf/Cin-Much like an unwanted fan on a Wimbledon court, the Bills are streaking. After 2 losses, 4 wins and another 2 losses they look to the spaghetti chili basket of America for their next W. Bengal fans have been near-unanimous in their agreement that a sub-par O-line has sabotaged their season. As evidence they point to qb Dalton getting roughed up by a Giants D that heretofore couldn’t apply pressure with a warehouse full of bicycle tire pumps. Rex and Rob are going to watch some tape and blitz like Rommel in the desert. Wr Green will get his like he always does but it won’t be enough.
TB/KC-The most boring 7-2 team in the league raises its boring head. They’re tied with the Raiders atop the AFC West so they need this game vs. Tampa and will most likely get it. That’ll make 6 wins in a row and then their sked tightens up quite a bit. They have the Broncs (X2), Falcons and Raiders up ahead. What is there to say about the Bucs except that which has already been said?
Chi/NYG-The sulkiest sulker that ever shrugged his shoulders and rolled his eyes is trying to lead the Bears to the promised land of the second overall draft pick in 2017. That’s a thoughtful going-away present, isn’t it? Who says he doesn’t care? (everyone) To help things along wr Jeffrey has done his part by departing. HC Fox has also developed a new drill in practice-it’s called “throwing in the towel”. Fox maintains that, “It’s not just for the quarterbacks, it’s something everyone on the team can do.”
Ari/Min-Minny’s recent tumble might just be related to the loss for the year of 3 starting O-line guys. There’s only so many “Next Man Up!(s)” any team can pull off. The Cards had high expectations yet half of their 4 wins have come courtesy of the Niners. This game has “ugly mess” written all over it.
Now, GET YE TO YER BUNKERS AND START FIRING!!!
Zach Miller isn’t hurt, he’s just skipping because he’s off the see the wizard
Fitzmagic?
i2.wp.com/doorfliesopen.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/fitzmagic3.jpg
Sesame Street Count voice: “SEVEN missed extra points!! hahahahahahaha!!!!”
ALL HAIL SHANKOR!
Why can’t Dez score points for me in fantasy? Is it because his mother’s a whore?
Looks like BEERGH has decided to show his face in the Kansas City game.
I’m convinced Jerry Jones will live to be 110 years old
The NFL will be a less colorful and far saner place when he passes
But his face will only be 29
\DubbleJ standing over a dead hooker, wreathed in eerie, ethereal light
“YEEEEHHAAAAW! I AM FUCKING IMMORTAL!!!!111!!!!1!”
\Queen plays in the background
JPP got a finger on that one
http://happynicetimepeoplecom.c.presscdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/FSHelpinghand.jpg
Prediction: the Bucs will keep this game close and have a chance to win it, but will fuck up in some stupid way to blow it at the end.
– “Hey, Redshirt. How would you like to work the Friday after Thanksgiving?”
– “I don’t know. How would you like to blow me?”
– “We’ll play you triple time.”
(unzip)
– “Alright, but no eye contact.”
The Romo’clock is at three minutes to midnight.
LE’VEON DOWN! So much un-timed downs.
The Browns : shittier than actual shit, or not?
With the orange jerseys, I think they are more like baby shit.
I want a Jerry-tron for Christmas.
Alexa, play 15 Garth Brooks Commercials in a row.
I must have slept in the day Garth Brooks suddenly became relevant again.
LOVE Tomlin’s balls here. Again and again.
http://bullsballs.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/p2fiber.jpg
Cmon it’s Romo’clock!
Job posting: Placekicker for local football team. Must be able to kick extra points and avoid hitting the right upright.
Cards get huge return, drive to the red zone…
Palmer 99 yard pick 6
Ah, memories…
Really?
“Palmer? That’s…really not how this works.”
– David Blaine
Serious. You. Have. David. Johnson.
Wallace with the skill stick move on the Cowboys’ defender
I love it when people gain yards by fumbling
Why isn’t Nacho dressed to play? If Dak gets hurt, Romo can’t take a hit.
He’s in the parking lot assuring Dallas fans that he is an American citizen and won’t be deported
Romo warms up on the sidelines, sees the calendar, reflexively throws towards a Ravens defender.
Did the giants just I’ve their own kicker?
Cole Beasley annoys me, mostly because generic Cowboy fans will call him ‘Beastly’ and think they’re being super clever and creative
Dak got driven into the ground on this shoulder. OUCH.
Romo time?
Cole Beasly!!!! Gritty than expired toothpaste from the dollar store!!!!
Dak!? DAK DAK DAK DAK!
Dak should throw more to Dez. They have so much in common, they both have three letter names starting with ‘D’ what else is there?
They can only remeber three letters, apparently
Dak don’t slide? He’s not gonna RG3 himself is he?
Just hush you!!!
You’re a young guy Dak, get out there and run around – Romo
Have we given a name to the god of missed extra points?
All we know is that he’s a haunter
Lord Finkle
Hail Norwood?
SHANKOR?
Sounds like you have dibs, Goddess.
I don’t know how to spell massive throat gag outside of pornography sites.
BARTH!
you can kinda see how Mike Evans made JFF, huh?
Jeebus, I simply can not bring myself to watch – much less listen to – these shitshow games today.
Coffee and Factorio until the Seahawks game it is.
c’mon, the shittier the MOAR FUN!!!
That’s why bourbon was invented
People down the bar complaining about Joe Buck, lol
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hpiy2AuR3vs
Joe Buck: The announcer everyone justifiably hates but for all the wrong reasons.
Fuck, I needed Crazy Eyez to score.
I can understand why NFL broadcasting jobs are post-career handouts to athletes, but how do they manage to find the most bland, generic white guys to fill the the rest of the announcer jobs? Is there some sort of breeding facility somewhere?
http://s.mlkshk-cdn.com/r/54DT
As a white guy, I must ask – is there any other kind of white guy?
Good point. I’m glad there’s a work program for us otherwise we’d be truly struggling.
Asiata is at WAR with Replay Bleergh!
Have they always been at war?
Asiata WINS. …the battle. The war continues.
Why isn’t hibernation a thing for humans?
Like a bear?
http://i.imgur.com/qbcwUQQ.jpg
Is black-out drunk not a suitable substitute?
That Ravens run looked like a guy desperately trying not to spill his beer while cutting through the mosh pit
Nice job by the referees in the Tampa game missing the spot by a good two yards.
Fun fact: badly missing a spot is why Ray Lewis fired his dry cleaners.
Bears Football: We Only Win Games to Fuck Up our Draft Position
I mean, Cutler is the QB so we know this team prides itself in spiting its fans.
As a fan, watching a Bengals game is the equivalent of being Rickrolled.
The Cowboys are playing like they just met four minutes before kick-off.
This Buffalo-Cincinnati game, I call it that one night in college when I got drunk and experimented because it’s two AFC teams on FOX and it’s making me question everything.
“…and after I cleaned that Cincinnati chili off my chest, the police officer was finally willing to drive me home from the church.”
I love Maple Football playoffs game that are played in this weather:
So they finally relegated Houston and Green Bay to the lower table, eh?
I would say that both Dallas and NYG losing is reminiscent of last year, but the Ravens and Bears were shitty last year too.
This is dumb play calling from the Cowboys.
Pretty rookie throw by DAK! there…
Oddly, this Bears score doesn’t surprise me. I suspected they’d beat one NFC East team they didn’t deserve to beat and the Giants topped that list.
Vulturedown in New jersey.
Yeah, let’s just rob brocky of Jordan Howard points