Hang It Up, SON!

Sep

Gratuitous Simpsons References League Champion, Inaugural 2014 season.
Benevolent Champion, gentle lover, mysteriously dapper. These are a few of the superlatives whispered in the dark corners of the world about me. I promise to only add the most head-scratchingly inane comments and never, ever stimulate the conversation as long as the doors are open.
WITNESS ME: writingprocrastination (instragram)

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Coffin Lid Flies Open

Hey hey all! Hope this post finds you in good spirits. As many of you know by now, Ravens WR and notable baby pugilist Steve Smith announced his pending retirement at the end of the 2015 season. The boisterous and sometimes controversial player has decided to put the nail in his own coffin, probably so he can get back to taking care of his lawn in Carolina, where ever the hell that is.

In recent years Smith has been recognized as a Viral Marketing Genius (Ice Up, Son!) and Amateur Forensic Scientist (blood and guts everywhere). While these are noble pursuits, This is my favorite Steve Smith pull quote:

YouTube

God bless you Steve Smith. You truly are a man out there playing with a bunch of Schoolyard kids.

Sep
Gratuitous Simpsons References League Champion, Inaugural 2014 season. Benevolent Champion, gentle lover, mysteriously dapper. These are a few of the superlatives whispered in the dark corners of the world about me. I promise to only add the most head-scratchingly inane comments and never, ever stimulate the conversation as long as the doors are open. WITNESS ME: writingprocrastination (instragram)

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Moose -The End Is Well NighCuntlerDragon_SackballsofsteelandfurySharkbait Recent comment authors
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scotchnaut

Iff Miffter Smiff doesn’t get an announcing job somewhere…well, I’ll be impotently indignant as per usual.

Old School Zero

I’d really love to see Steve Smith join Terry Crews on insane Old Spice (up) commercials.

I’d also be suddenly scared into buying lots of Old Spice products.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I was gonna leave an admittedly dickish komment back at our previous site, but they preemptively banned me. WTF. Just because I posted 1,000’s of links to naked ladies probably. Who does that?

blaxabbath

“Frankly, I’ve been wondering why DFO hasn’t gone to full-on hardcore black on white porn.”

-Russell Wilson

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Sharkbait

They better be married though.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
whorootbeerdatbe
whorootbeerdatbe

You’re banned. Meanwhile, this has been on the site since early this morning:

“til I looked at the draft which was of $7032 , I be certain that…my… mom in-law woz like they say actually bringing home money part time from there computar. . there dads buddy haz done this 4 less than and as of now repaid the loans on there house and bought a new volvo . hop over to this web-site.. .”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I don’t know if it’s just me, but I’m still seeing the hard-core pornography that got added to the Fantasy Names post (and not just because it’s seared into my eyeballs).

Dragon_Sack
Dragon_Sack

Oh I see it too. It’s still there in all its glory (hole). Very hardcore.

I now feel a little lightheaded and need some fresh air.

Cuntler

I just looked at the post out of morbid curiosity. 5 comments. All spam bots. It’s dead.

http://uproxx.com/ksk/2015/08/steve-smith-retiring-ravens-panthers/2/

Spur
Spur

We need a Geno Smith article, stat.

ThePirateSloth
ThePirateSloth

I just keep singing “George, George, George of the Jungle… WATCH OUT FOR THAT TREE” every time I look at the banner pic.

ballsofsteelandfury

The Jets just did the Jetsiest thing ever.

Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

When Olin Kreutz broke a teammate’s jaw, his leadership was praised. When a Jet did it, he got released (maybe he was a Shark in disguise?).

So I think the Bears out-Jetsed the Jets.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Yeah, they fired Rex Ryan. Back to not giving a shit about the Jets. But also yes. It was.

Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

Janay Rice already has placed a phone call to Geno Smith, coaching him through the apology process.

ballsofsteelandfury

That’s beautiful.

aceg
aceg

Outstanding.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

Ikemefuna Enemkpali: [in Jets’ lockeroom] And I say, that England’s greatest Prime Minister was Lord Palmerston!
Geno Smith: Pitt the Elder!
Enemkpali: Lord Palmerston!
Geno Smith: Pitt the Elder!
Enemkpali: Okay, you asked for it, Geno!
[punches him out]

Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

You could do an entire post on football players acting like proper English gentlemen, then ending in a broken jaw.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

“Jut-fumble”?
“Jawghazi”?

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

Bet they were fighting over possession of a certain empty locker.

blaxabbath

On it…

SonOfSpam

I just sent a message to Steve Smith saying that Ted Cruz thinks he’s soft.

If that doesn’t work, I’m taking up a collection to pay Steve Smith to beat up Ted Cruz. Sort of like My Bodyguard, except better in every way.

Enrico Pallazzo

He was on Mike and Mike this morning and Greenberg was really, really close to saying “that is the most intelligent black person that I’ve ever talked to”.

I was not expecting Smith to be so eloquent either.

SonOfSpam

Cowherd wouldn’t have been as subtle.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Did he at least pay him the compliment of referring to him as “articulate”?

whorootbeerdatbe
whorootbeerdatbe

He’s so well-spoken. Not like those other guys.

ThePirateSloth
ThePirateSloth

He speaks so well. He’s so well spoken, I mean he speaks so well!

Warthog

Fly’s open, son.

/it made sense in my head which should’ve been my first clue…

MikeMartzColorsDontRun

I like to call him Steve SMIFF, cos it rhymes with Spiff (see: Spaceman).

But I’ve never admitted that in public before or even said it very loudly upon vocal utterance- because STEVE SMITH SCARY

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Damnit again, fine, going for another embarassing pic from that game

http://a.espncdn.com/media/nfl/2006/0115/photo/g_smith_412.jpg

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

How on earth did you manage to find a picture of a Bears defensive back standing in such close proximity to an opposing receiver?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Ugh, I was at that game. Like watching someone skillfully pour gasoline on a dumpster fire.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Like 80% sure they photoshopped that defender in. I think that is a pic of him injuring his hamstring on another play.

Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

Chris Harris is a great guy and was a very good safety for the Bears, relative to his draft position. But in his last few years, my dead grandma could run faster than Harris. He wasn’t good in coverage to begin with, and when his legs turned to clay, he was lucky to be in the frame when an opposing receiver caught the ball.

monty this seems strange to me

The Raiders just made a free agent offer to Lothar’s grandma.

Mr. Robinson's Neighborhood
Mr. Robinson's Neighborhood

It’s a camera trick. The telephoto lens compresses the background and makes things appear closer than they actually are…

Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water
Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

“Before every away game Smith Sr. and his family donate shoes to the homeless in need. He also will wash their feet beforehand. His goal is to hand out half a million pairs of shoes. After retiring from football Smith plans to take this initiative globally.”

So… he’s gonna spend his retirement washing homeless feet?

jjfozz

He could do worse . . .

Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water
Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

Rex Ryan certainly approves.

Beats by Ray
Beats by Ray

So he’s basically football jesus?

jjfozz

“Good, good, let the powers of the dark side flow through you.”

laserguru

Needs the “Steve Smith terrorizes me” tag.

Good job son! The “Steve Smith’s Guide to Baby Punching” is one of my all time favorite posts.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The “glaze up, son” comment tree was one of my favorite things we ever did at KSK.

packman_jon

Most of our comment trees were amazing.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

/dislocates shoulder patting kommentariat on the back
//ices up

aceg
aceg

That string was pretty damn’d amazing…