First of all – fuck the world, and fuck humanity. Extinction is coming, and we will totes deserve it. Until that sweet day of reckoning, onto the games.

Second of all…I forgot to check for fill-in columns first. Oopsie. So apologies for duplicative #content.

Everyone missed almost every extra point (seemingly), but it really only mattered in the Buffalo/Cincy game, where the back-to-back Bungle misses meant the game ended in a sad Red Rocket Hail Mary attempt instead of a FG try, in a 16-12 home defeat. The bigger news is that AJ Green died, so congrats on that division title, winner of 2nd Yinzburgh/Balmer game.

Le’Veon Bell basically used the city of Cleveland for toilet paper, and Coach Tomlin proved he still understands math and leverage to the consternation of Tier C announcing crews. Cody Kessler died again.

Balmer predictably lost on the road, mostly containing Zeke and forcing DAK! to beat them, which DAK! did. It’s almost like this fella might be good or something.

Continuing with predictability, and segueing into the NFC East, the Iggles continued to suck on the road. Russell Wilson had just enough nanobubbles to power his way to 26 points, which was enough to win comfortably and stay on track to lose to Dallas in the NFC title game.

The Giants? Predictably won at home, despite Robbie Gould’s (another double misser) best attempts to throw the game to his former homeys. EVERYTHING IS A CONSPIRACY. John Fox keeps giving way too few touches to Jordan Howard, and Catler’s TE is now also dead (to add to the suspended Alshon).

My money league foe started Fat Stafford (over DAK!, huzzah) and I swear to fuck he had all 280ish of his passing yards in the 4th quarter. Jaguras did their typical Jagura things. Lions may actually win the North. /Caldwell blinks TWICE

The Titans lost to the Colts again, coming up short on 4th and 2 late and never getting the ball back. I think it’s bad Karma for chicken-shittishly kicking a FG with 12 minutes left, down 7, 4th and 2 at the 29. NOT winning football. The game’s momentum completely flipped back to Indy, where it remained.

FINALLY, somebody beat Kansas City in one of those chucklefuck games where they are behind in the 4th quarter (usually by 2 scores), have no business coming back, but the opponent takes the boot of their neck. Tampa gave up a late TD to cut the lead to 19-17, but moved the ball JUST enough to effectively kill the game off.

Minnesota finally staunched the bleeding and got a win, and all it took was TWO D/ST scores! Lather, rinse, repeat, yeah? Arizona is done, too bad given they have probably the best single skill player in the NFC.

Fuck the P*triots. Chip Kelly can join their human centipede, though.

The late window featured an epic showdown of terrible quartered backing. TannyFanny has consistently proven he has no business leading an NFL franchise, not that anyone in Miami has noticed. But Jesus…Jared Goff. The package of plays they had for THIS ASSHOLE. “Protecting” and “hiding” are too mild by a factor of about 10. This guy is SHIT. After Miami somehow backed into 2 late TDs and a 14-10 lead, Goff had to attempt a few passes over 8 yards in length. Quack, quack, quack. #1 overall pick, my hairy white ass. Watching the LA sports malaise set in for him/this franchise will be delightful. INTERNET DAD IS AVENGED!!

There was also a Sunday night game, but I paid almost no attention. Wisconsin is now a state that, in my mind, can eat ALL THE ASS, and the Redacteds are the Redacteds. Plus I had an NC State basketball loss to follow and an article to type up. LET YOUR IMAGINATIONS RUN WILD, THROUGH BOUNTIFUL FIELDS OF CLOVER.