Your “But I Wanna Watch The Game! Aunt Lilly Is Boring As Hell. And Racist!” NFL Football Thanksgiving Open Thread

Now what’s with all this talk I hear about 2015 being bad/sucky? You have in front of you TWO(!) Thanksgiving tilts that feature teams over .500 playing games that have implications in their divisions. If this is Trump’s America, I’m all for it. Hell, I want him to sing the Star-Spangled Banner before each of the games. I can see Ivanka and Melania gently swaying and humming in the background, their tattered bikini’s leaving little to the imagination of the American public. Behind them marching in single file, 100 of the oiliest, shredded and shirtless firefighters/policemen reminding us of their commitment to keeping us safe. “STRENTH THOUGH JOY” the mis-spelled banners will proclaim because “G’s” and “R’s” will be subject to rationing going forward-but you get the idea. If you do get the idea you are federally-mandated to explain it to those who don’t. To all those nay-sayers out there I say-AMERICA’S GLASS OF PBR WILL ALWAYS BE HALF-FULL! TO THE GAME!

Min/Det-God, when was the last time the Lions were playing a game that mattered? It must have been back when a young and aloof Barry Sanders was merrily skipping his way past flummoxed defenders and he retired in ’99. [sees that Detroit made the playoffs in ’11 and ’14] Huh. Well, I’ll be bedazzled! The winner of this one will have the inside track on the division title. As noted in this here blog, the Packers are going nowhere fast and that anchor they call a D has a great deal of momentum. So have at it Lions and Vikes, make it a good one.

A Short Note To Readers Out There: If you’ve thought about commenting I strongly encourage you to dip your toes in on a day like today. Everyone around here is pretty cool and relaxed and smart and intelligent and boozy and full-bellied (at the moment or shortly). Let us know how your day is going, who your team is, what you made to eat, what you’re drinking, how obnoxious your family is, etc. You know you want to and it’s a great excuse to get away from it all if only for a minute or two. If you’re on your own, all the more reason to join this wee band of ragamuffins. We always like to see new faces/avatars and we promise to treat you with respect and we may even grow to love you.

There she is, TYPE YOU FARGIN BASTIGES, TYPE!

 

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Subscribe
Notify of
293 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Doktor Zymm

I’m full, everything came out well and was super tasty! This is before I filled the gravy boat, and we’re having a food break before putting the pie in the oven.

comment image

hippofant

Phil can’t even be fucking bothered to come on to the field any more?

entropy

What the fuck is this shit? If i want to cry during football, I’ll watch more Jets games.

Old School Zero

Somewhere, Barry Sanders is napping peacefully, a small smile coming to his face as he lets out an extended, rapid fire percussive fart.

Bloody Lethal

Sam Bradford: friend of the spread.

King Hippo

New kind of Indian giver!

...

Loins… Win?

King Hippo

And that’s that. The Lions have pretty much won the NFC North. Holee Fuckballs.

Gratliff

And now Vikings fans know the pain of Sam Bradford

ballsofsteelandfury

I

King Hippo

A trail of tears home for Sam.

Bortleback

That was Romoesque

JustStopDude

Playing wee bowling with two of my nieces. Annoying cousin Carl shows up. Talks shit about me losing to two four year olds. He gets next game. Proceeds to beat both children by at least 150 points. Tries to talk shit to the girls.

“Uncle Carl…at least I know what football is”

Grandpa runs into room to fistbump 4 year old granddaughter.

Old School Zero

Fuck Carl.

entropy

Agreed. Carl can eat a bag of dicks.

ballsofsteelandfury

comment image

JustStopDude

Add about 150 pounds and subtract millions of net worth.

Seriously….he shows up at my parents place every year uninvited.

Bloody Lethal

When I was a kid, my family used to rent one of these glorious machines every year:

http://artvoice.com/issues/v8n42/three_guys/threeguys2.jpeg

We’d post it in the garage by the spare fridge and the keg. For my money, after Thanksgiving dinner in a chilly garage playing my cousins and aunts and uncles of all ages in seriously competitive and boozy games of shuffle bowling is as close as you can get to heaven on Earth.

Petronel

Sound like Carl’s losing worse to four-year-olds than you are. Any chance of him realizing that shutting up is his best move at this point?

JustStopDude

He seriously thought I was trying to win or that the goal of this was to crush twin little girls. The dude is a straight up clown.

Senor Weaselo

Boo, Shan’Khor does not approve.

ballsofsteelandfury

Our new goddess is a fickle gal.

King Hippo

Blech. The game was on briefly, then switched off for Netflix Xmas movies.

So I am indeed in the car listening to the game. Cursing the fact that I can’t leave yet.

Shogun Marcus

Time to travel. Back later. No murdering!

Old School Zero

I wonder if Anquan Boldin still misses Stringer Bell.

litre_cola

Hey Amazon, 85 dollars for an Iggles bandana for my dog seems a bit pricey!

litre_cola

Probably just shred mu Kolb/Asomugha/Mamula/Maclin/McCoy/Murray/Shephard jersey…..

entropy

That’s a lot of names for one jersey.

litre_cola

I wish, it is a lot of sadness for many jerseys.

Shogun Marcus

Water does not get wasted. Ever. It goes down the hole like plucky duck says, gets treated (except in flint) and comes right back. It’s not something we’re in danger of losing. I’m not killing children by brushing my teef asshole.

entropy

I was thinking this guy is kind of a dick, treating all those other people in his house like they’re homeless.

Old School Zero

Dinner rolls are out of the oven and looking great. Turkey is in. Pies made, stuffing prepped. Pretty much all the work remaining is chopping potatoes, snipping green beans, and finishing things up at the end. Oh, and drinking. Plenty of drinking.

Shogun Marcus

Bradford hard-luck story…SHOTS!

entropy

You think Sam Bradford thinks his receivers need to stretch more, and that’s why he consistently throws just outside their reach?

entropy

You know DAMN WELL that guy doing the tough guy shuffle in the stands is a hard core juggalo.

litre_cola

Their documentaries get me every time.

Old School Zero

3rd and long and a run up the middle? Did the Lions hire Norv?

...

Each of us has a little Norv within us that comes out from time to time.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

No way. He’s hiding in a bunker somewhere to avoid being basted today.

http://cdn1.sbnation.com/uploads/chorus_image/image/4016281/turkeyneck.0_standard_352.0.gif

Old School Zero

That is the most terrifying gif I’ve ever seen.

hippofant

Flap your chicken wings some more Stafford. That’ll convince them.

Shogun Marcus

That was shite. Wait 3 seconds, THEN kill the play. Bleergh your priests be trippin.

Senor Weaselo

So sister’s cat puked on my Jets blanket. This is widely regarded as the best thing to happen to the Jets this year.

entropy

Now you have to burn it, you know.

The cat, not the blanket.

Senor Weaselo

I’m like 80% sure that burning a black cat is bad luck. And 100% sure that it leads to a murderous sister.

hippofant

Does that count as four quarterback hits?

entropy

The Phil Seeeeems All Iron MVP is the only award Charlie Batch has ever won.

Spur

When all the white people at the Lions game need to return the suburbs do they travel in armed caravans or is it every man for himself?

entropy

As a white person who has driven solo down seven mile road, if they’re smart, they’ll hunker down in place and wait for the National Guard escort

King Hippo

Kick a FG, Fuck Lions. Daddy needs MOAR than Thielen’s current 11.3.

Old School Zero

Blair Walsh woulda shanked that one smh

King Hippo

Our secondary Lord is not pleased.

Spur

I guess the Vikings just didn’t really want a touchdown.

Spur

A cover that trumps the orginal
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZYgsMXHY_w

ThePirateSloth

Huh, I’m happy to see that CBS is streaming the game without requiring a cable sub. WHOOOOOO MORE RAINIER AND SCOTCH AND FOOSBALL FOR ME!!!!

entropy

This motherfucker right here drinks Rainier. No one may ever give me shit for drinking Miller Lite all day ever again.

ThePirateSloth

It’s pronounced “Ron-YAY”, with your pinkie extended, because it is the finest of the finest regional beers not owned by…

/looks up who owns Rainier

Oh god dammit, Miller contracts out a bunch of Pabst Brewing beers.

entropy

I have no issue with your choice; best part of shit beer is being able to find it everywhere and drink a fuck ton of it.

Beerguyrob

I miss getting Schmidt-faced in college.

Shogun Marcus

They are next door to each other in Milwaukee. Basically.

...

Sam Bradford blocks for no one.

Spur

Someone should tell the Lions PR department that having their fans waving white flags is not a good image.

entropy

No, but it is fitting.