Welp, here it is. The ultimate test of the footballing fan. Did you think it was a walk in the park every time you turned on the tube-like device to catch your favourite sport? No. There’s work to be done tonight and I for one welcome it. Why? Because there be some tremendously witty fellers/lassies out there that won’t be constrained by cheering for/being let down by their stupid team. There may even be discussions of *gasp* non-football thingys. That’s kinda how we do things over here… TO THE GAME!
Indy/NYJ-If the Colts win everyone in the AFC South (Jags excepted of course) will be 6-6 and “controls their own destiny” in the exact same manner of Sisyphus. You see, this narrative is predicated on each team running the table (NOPE!) because .500 squads do this all the time. Did I mention that the Colts and Texans play each other next week? A tie would muddy the waters quite nicely, I guess. But so would a win by either team because sports scribblers must do what they do. I now turn my attention to the Jets…
I’m done. BRING THE FUNNY!
sweet jumping jesus, I just remembered I still have a bottle of airplane scotch from the flight today.
It’s a party now.
Esiason is killing the Jets on the radio broadcast. It’s hilarious.
If only he’d gone to his office on 9/11, we could have enjoyed the reverse
I’m caught up TWD, and it sucks ass. Maybe start in on Robotworld or Robots Out West or whatever the fuck it is. Or gain some ground on American Horror Story.
Go to Westworld, you’ll be happy you did.
This is depressing…and I have three illegitimate kids suing me concurrently.
You should change your username to Cromartie/4.
Hodor? hodor
Molly was clearly the wrong drug for this game.
Anyone got any cyanide?
Busted coverage, DRINK
I thought about googling “blow your socks off early” but decided I’d better disconnect from work’s VPN first.
Oh men. MEN! I am running at Hour 32 without sleep and have broken out the bourbon. I’m assuming this feeling is what would result from making a Artisanal Crafted IPA out of meth
Does anyone know how to adjust the color on a youtube video so blue looks green and orange looks white?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VKqeCXBilVE
If someone feels like bringing me some fried chicken, that’d be great. Thanks in advance.
You want the wings I got last week? That’ll clear your sinuses, and several other things.
Honestly, I feel like a little colon cleanse could probably do me some good.
THIS GAME, I CALL IT MANHATTAN WHEN IT WAS OWNED BY THE INDIANS, BECAUSE THERE ARE HORSES RUNNING WILD ALL OVER NEW YORK
“The Jets may want to go back in the locker room and start over.”
Fuck me, we’re getting do-overs now?!
He’s being polite, they really want to go back to the locker room, change back into regular clothes and hit the titty bars.
Fitzpatrick picked up that football with all the urgency of a man who has dropped his keys.
Evening everyone, are the Jets losing yet?
*turns on TV*
“The Jets have not been good on both sides of the ball.”
I made korean bulgogi tonight due to your post. Mrs. Cola said it was too spicy, now I get all of it!
Also this
http://i.imgur.com/5diSBki.gifv
Did the conversation in that GMC commercial suddenly get awkward because the white suburban woman was thinking her neighbor’s “new” car was stolen?
DFO, repeat after me.
I am only here tonight so I don’t get fined.
So there’s this
http://i.imgur.com/rUe3inw.jpg
GODDAMN IT
“Buster Skrine” sounds like advice one redneck would give to another if their kid was spending too much time playing around with their cellphone.
You can really feel the apathy through the tv screen tonight.
JETS FOOTBALL: FEEL THE LISTLESS ENNUI!!
Colts vs Jets???!!!!
I like to have a little fun with it and pretend it’s Superbowl III in Miami. Yep, there’s Broadway Joe and Earl Morrall, and is that Johnny Unitas coming in off the bench?
My hallucinations arethe best part of my life.
I’m about 35 minutes in on a decent hit of Molly and that’s not even making a dent in how painfully unfun this game is for me.
That is one of the most original sentences I have ever read in the English language.
Stick around I’m sure to get stranger as the night goes on
I’m not one to criticize life choices, but that sounds like a monumental waste of Molly
Well, my wife has a sore neck and back so obviously ITS THE APOCALYPSE SHE COULD BE PARALYZED OR WORSE! CALL THE MAJOR MEDIA OUTLETS!
I’m not saying she’s a bad patient, but jesus christ almighty, is she a bad patient.
You should kill her
Have you selected the pillow you’re going to use to snuff her out? You don’t want her to suffer, after all…
Smothering leave telltale signs of trauma in the retinas. Better to shove something down her windpipe.
A smaller pillow?
/not the funniest first choice, but I don’t want to get on Fozz’s flaming snowplow shit list
HOW BAD IS SHE?
/we doing call and response jokes?
She is not so bad that I have to snuff her, but bad enough that I’m close to losing my shit on her and then having to hear what a heartless bastard/asshole I am.
Have to admit, she’s right.
We should start a club.
Hmm…set-up is good. Punchline needs a little work.
/hope she feels better quick
//legit back pain is the worst, there’s no magic fix
When a horse pulls up lame, they shoot him. Just a friendly conversation starter, Revis.
That’s kind of cruel. They should at least use him to scare the bejeesus out of Eric Berry first.
Hodor Barnraiser is interested in your theories and wishes to subscribe to your non-technologic newsletter.
I’ll leave the carved stone tablets outside the communal men’s home in the morning.
That made Trent Richardson nervous.
Richardson is either Irsay’s connect or fall guy because otherwise he’d have been put down long ago.
Too drunk to look this up…how many wins to the Jets have?
Based on that first series…3?
No, that’s average number of plays between turnover and/or QB change.
10 yard return on the opening kickoff? Jets appear to be in a hurry to start Jetsing tonight.
Jeremy Ross really honoring Joe McKnight there
Andrew Luck will be starring in next year’s Samsung remake of the Apple Frankenstein’s monster ad.
The inevitable onslaught of new readers coming from that PFTC article are going to be here any minute! We gotta clean this place up, fast. Quick, shove that dead call girl under the rug, flush those qualudues, and for god sakes get rid of those Allied Biscuits!
http://img.pandawhale.com/138258-James-Bond-Archer-photo-meme-I-NF0V.png
DON’T YOU FUCKING TOUCH THOSE QUAALUDES
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9qUou4fzoSI
Do we need to make a ¡Sponch! run? Cuz I ain’t fucking sharing.
You didn’t make the page title long enough
I’m not surprised you would make such a comment.
Guess who got their Hard Ride to Nowhere poster????
Headin to get a frame tomorrow to hang in my booze corner.
Still fucking waiting for mine.
Nice of PFT to give DFO a shout out today: http://www.barstoolsports.com/chicago/mmbm-roger-goodell-tried-to-do-something-fun-with-lax-dress-codes-and-cam-newton-just-spat-in-his-face/
I love how every fucking moron who thinks it’s clever to make 69 jokes are the last fucking men on Earth who would ever actually eat a woman out.
That is quite touching, actually.
Yeah, we have hundreds of new views today on DTZM’s Rasputin post. So, hi, newcomers! https://www.doorfliesopen.com/index.php/2016/09/06/an-open-letter-to-new-dfo-visitors/
Hey hey!
Oh with that link we gunna traffic here bulleee dat. Chuh chuh.
I am repeating myself from yesterday, because I have some left: Monday night is a fine time for MDMA.
I can’t understand why anyone would watch Walking Dead. Meanwhile, there’s no Westworld thread for me to jerk off onto about how awesome the season finale was.
I was really quite impressed with that finale, but we can’t discuss it here because some people probably haven’t watched it yet and there will be all manner of anger should we start talking about when the aliens landed and Evan Rachel Wood was revealed to be the Judge from Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
Are you alleging Christopher Lloyd is being played by Ed Harris?
No, but I am guilty of the charges levied by Divine
C’MON MAN segment is literally everything I hate about MNF, ESPN, and the NFL…and life in general.
Life is one long C’mon Man segment
Even when I agree with Trent Dilfer, I still want to put a cigarette out on his forehead.
Even despite Ray Lewis’ “God protects me when I kill and preach” shit is less annoying then Dilfer acting like an NFL expert considering his claim to fame was he beat out Tony Banks for the filler spot on an NFL championship team.
So I stopped at a new pizza place today, and they have two menus on the wall, a giant one to the left of the counter, and a smaller one above it. Above the counter, you can get a “regular” pizza, but only a “reguler” slice. On the large menu on the wall, you can get a “reguler” whole pizza as well, but you can only order the “regular” slice from that menu.
I was suitably impressed with the dedication to mediocrity.
I think it was code for the DNC per the race and the age of the little boy they want to rape.
http://www.infowars.com
NO. That shit is RiGHT OUT.
They need to cut down on the annoying bald white people by at least two….
Jets are a small market team right? I have a coworker that got insanely heated when I compared the Jets to the Ravens…as in both are “small market” teams and he flipped his fucking shit.
Like people have to pull him away from me.
Not so much small market as “awkward little brother” team… sort of like the Mets are to the Yankees.
God I hate my sports team affiliations. I have been able to walk away from serious relationships easier than I give up on these stupid sports teams.
FUCK YOU BERMAN JUST DIE ALREADY
It’s always fun to approach a job application thinking “How am I going to fuck this up?”
As a Jets fan, I should show some sort of excitement for this game, right? Maybe even think it could be enjoyable?
Why start now?
So much on the line in fantasy footbaw with this shitbox of a game. Fuck, I do not want to watch this but my addiction makes it necessary.
/turns on game
/hello my name is Litre_Cola and I have a problem.
Hi, Litre_Cola! Pull up a seat and share in our watching of tonight’s bed-shitting.
psssst… we don’t share last names at the meetings.
So we are all like Brazilian footballers, got it. At meetings I would like to be referred to as Litrinho
Screaming towards a fiery hellscape and the sweet release of death?
Trust me, that’s a lot better than Colinho.
#oversharing:
I need to write my self assessment for my semi-annual review. I keep putting it off because I’m not happy with my own performance this year. I think the answer is to get hammered and just let it rip.
I fucking detested having to do that in the military. I have gotten better at it in the civilian world, but dear god it used to annoy the fuck out of me that my immediate supervisors, that I worked with like 16 hours a day, 7 days a week, could not fucking remember who the fuck I was or what I was doing.
It’s nice to see that kind of asinine leadership spans across branches of government.
Fucking fitness reports.
We used to call them the “Bi-annual Brush With Death” test…
Which is saying something given some of the stories you’ve shared
I wrote mine one year in a TV Guide grid format, with each hour of every work week represented…. no one really appreciated how many reruns of “entropy avoids serious altercation with idiot coworker” there were per week. HR had a talk with me after that one, so the next year I copied someone else’s (from another department” and changed the name. No one noticed.
Ugh…I am on vacation. I am not supposed to be bothered by anyone at work.
We have a new drive and a field engineering is attempting to tune it. Its pretty much the same as every other drive this guy has done, but since it is new, he is going full retard on me. The drive is to run a large motor attached to a pump.
Imagine if you will, a V12 Ferrari engine, shoved into a Ford Pinto. This drive could literally fling this 22 ton motor into the air.
For some insane reason, my coworker keeps telling me he needs to set the current limits (which will destroy everything) to 250%…which is what we do for our crazy shit like main mill stands for steel mills. For pumps, its should NEVER go above 110%.
He effectively wants this shitty ford Pinto to hit 180 mph from a complete stop as soon as the light changes at an intersection. I’ve worked with this guy before in the past. He is very intelligent but for the life of me, I cannot figure out why he is wanting to do this. I would ignore him except I am terrified he is going to destroy a shitty motor and a shitty pump, both of which are still going to be very expensive.
Uh, out of curiosity, can the new drive fling the 22-ton motor with any accuracy?
//asking for a –, oh fuck it. I want to know if I can stage a convincing “industrial accident” near one of these things for fun and profit.
Officially…I never accidentally placed a 40ft shipping container on the site manager’s car at a foreign port due to a “software” glitch.
BECAUSE FUCK IT
Weird opinion: as unlikable as kaepernick has become, absolutely no one is acknowledging the fact that the snow really affected him yesterday. I’m completely serious.
And the fact that Chip Kelly called like 8 passing plays the entire first half.
It is odd. But it’s not like it was a full-on blizzard either. Easier to fill columns and dead air with hawt taeks of righteous indignation and told you so’s.
These are the games that try men’s souls…
Clots v Jest, Somebody Has to Win, Right?
(C’mon tie!)
On a personal note-to those of you that had a blast in Vegas, I’ll be spending the next two days in Sault Ste. Marie.
/game and match!
Is the game tetherball with a cinder block?
You forgot unrelenting boredom during game breaks.
Let the block hit you. Time will fly by!
-T. Green and L. Kuechly
He’s not going to Baltimore! It’s Michigan (Or Ontario ???), so it’s probably tetherball with a rusty wheel rim or something…
NBC Nightly News just interviewed the shithead and his wife that rented out the Oakland death trap.
What the fuck is that idiot thinking doing an interview. Pretty much everything he said just put the noose tighter around his neck. His wife, crying and trying to make them out to be victims was equally unreal. And I really don’t mean to blame the victims but for the love of god, what were people thinking living in a warehouse that had crates set up as stairs?!?
Laying the groundwork for an insanity defense? Diminished capacity? Lawyer-types, help me out, what’s the legal term for “galactically stupid and greedy”? (Trumpian is not an acceptable answer in this instance)
Oh he fucked himself royally. In the interview, he literally said “I tried to fix everything I could afford to fix”…basically acknowledging he knew it was a death trap, the structure was NOT rated for residential use, and that he wired the place himself without any permits or even a clue of what he was doing.
“Lawyer-types, help me out, what’s the legal term for “galactically stupid and greedy”?”
Out-of-court-settlement
He just isn’t that bright. If common sense were actually common, people wouldn’t do stupid shit.
Best interview question I was ever asked was, “How would you defined common sense?” Stumped me for like five minutes. Turns out trying to come up with a good answer was what he was looking for, and I got the job.
It’s subjective nonsense, just like the “Reasonable Person” bullshit we have to put up with.
It really would be the Jetsiest thing for them to win convincingly today, give everyone a glimpse of what could have been, and then shit the bed for the next four weeks.
How do you feel about…Bowles?
I’ll say this, I wish the bears had hired bowles instead of Jon fox.