Meanwhile, at the Luxor

INTERIOR, LUXOR CASINO & HOTEL – MAIN STAGE

[A large audience sits in their seats and murmurs in anticipation of the premiere of Las Vegas’ most talked about new show. After a few moments, the lights shut off, and the stage begins to fill with smoke.]

dark-stage-smoke
Image via

ANNOUNCER: Welcome, everyone, to the Luxor Hotel and Casino! I would like to remind you all to please, silence your cell phones, and stay seated in your chairs for the duration of the show! Remember, our performers WILL be making their way from the stage into the audience and will be looking for YOUR participation! You might even be welcomed up on stage! NOW, ladies, gentlemen AND beings of inconceivable horror, please put your appendages together for Las Vegas’ most ELECTRIFYING NEW SHOW…!

[There is suddenly a blinding flash of lightning and deafening clap of thunder. Three figures have suddenly appeared on stage shadowed by a screen, as the audience members that are not bleeding from their eyes and ears begin to roar with applause.]

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ANNOUNCER: BOOOOLLLLLTTTMAAAAANNNNN GRRROOOOUUUPPPPP!!!!!

[The BOLTMEN continue to drum out the beat to Thunderstruck. The screen is slowly raised as the lyrics begin and the BOLTMEN start to dance around, doing jumping jacks, pushups and air guitar moves so extreme, the entire audience in the first rows’ heads explode.]

[The song suddenly changes and three fleshy looking drums begin to grow from the ground in front of the BOLTMEN. They play along to the beat, and with each hit, the drums themselves seem to let out a cry of pain.]

BOLTMEN: Ftaghu zhro shogg syha’h sll’ha wgah’n ebunma nog shagg cgeb Yoggoth…

[As they continue, a portal to another world begins to materialize behind them, and white tentacles belonging to an Old One start to creep outwards.]

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BOLTMEN: …bthnk f’vulgtm Tsathoggua nglui ph”fhalma geb naflshugg kn’aoth vulgtm ph’hrii, Azathoth Shub-Niggurath lloignyth h’hafh’drn hlirghyar h”ai h’wgah’n k’yarnak lloig!

[Upon finishing the incantation, the tentacles shoot into the audience, and begin impaling audience members, to be dragged on stage. Those in the upper balcony clap in hypnotized unison, and start to fling themselves over the railing. One tentacle retrieves a living helpless soul in a cowboy hat and places him at the feet of the middle BOLTMAN.]

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[Blood flies as the man is reduced to nothing but bones. The drums intensify and BOLTMAN discards his drum sticks and begins to play with the remains before him.]

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LUXOR EXECUTIVE #1: Um, excuse me, Mr. Boltman?


[Cut to Luxor Executive Board Room]

Corporate Board Member Roundtable

BOLTMAN: WHO DARES TO INTERRUPT BOLTMAN DURING HIS MOST ROCKIN’ SALES PITCH?! [Head bangs and puts up devil horns]

LUXOR EXECUTIVE #1: This sounds like a very, uh, high end and impressive show, that you have clearly given a lot of thought, but I am very worried about the physical harm to our guests. The Luxor Hotel and Casino thrives on repeat business and–

BOLTMAN: BOLTMAN CARES NOT FOR THE FATE OF THE HERETICS! ALL WILL BE CONSUMED FOLLOWING THE SAN DIEGO SUPER CHARGERS DEPARTURE TO THE LAND OF TINSEL! NO HUMAN WILL BE SAFE FROM BOLTMAN’S UNENDING FURY!

LUXOR EXECUTIVE #2: But why bring your show here, Mr. Boltman? Surely you have a good thing going with your current employer. If you’re willing to relocate here, why not continue with them after–

BOLTMAN: BOLTMAN WOULD NEVER BEND THE WILL OF THE CURSED SPANOS CLAN! BESIDES, BOLTMAN OWES A LOT OF SOULS TO ELDER GODS IN THIS TOWN, AFTER MANY ILL-ADVISED BETS ON HIS LEGION OF SUPER SOLDIERS! BOLTMAN MAY BE POWERFUL, BUT NEEDS HIS KNEECAPS FOR ALL MANNERS OF CHAOS! [Runs in place while beating his chest]

LUXOR EXECUTIVE #1: I’m sorry, but I just don’t see this project being a good fit for our establishment. We will have to pass. You could always try your luck with Circus Circus or perhaps even a casino off the strip.

And that’s when the screaming started.

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ANNOUNCER: BOLTMAN GROUP – Likely coming to your doorstep, January 2017! There will be no escape… from the fun!

[Banner image via]

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers is a native North County San Diegan with an affinity for the Padres, beer, whiskey, punk rock, video games and the end of days. If you eat a fish taco with a fork in his presence, you may lose your hand.

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Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

I haven’t heard a Lovecraft-inspired story this upsetting since the last time Collinsworth gratuitously praised the owner of the Patriots on SNF.

Senor Weaselo
Member

Did anyone else get a sudden shiver upon reading this, or is it already too late for me?

Bloody Lethal
Member
Bloody Lethal

I hope everyone has a dad that calls them and if you miss the call and call back immediately they don’t pick up and then call you maybe 4 hours later which you miss again and repeat the process.

Bloody Lethal
Member
Bloody Lethal

Going to watch the Giants collapse continue on Sunday…. How long does one tailgate before a night game? 3 hours?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Please let us know weight, projected food consumption and RoD (rate of drinking) and a general idea of your resistance and we can run the calcs. Based on certain assumptions 3.7 hours would seem to be a good guess.

Bloody Lethal
Member
Bloody Lethal

190, 2 brats, a burger, a hot dog (just for me). 3-4 other patrons with lesser rations. A beer per 15 minutes. I can sober up by the 4th quarter.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

OK, mixing a quick beers; I’ll bring that to two shots and 12 beers….. better go with 2.1 hours unless you have a ride and don’t give a shit about Monday, then my original estimate is still valid.

King Hippo
Member

set a phone reminder FOAR Donks/Titans on Sunday. The 6th seed depends on it!!

Bloody Lethal
Member
Bloody Lethal

“have a ride and don’t give a shit about Monday”

Check, check.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Final Self-Righteous LifeHacker Buddy post:

Another piece of tech I love is this bad boy:
https://www.backblaze.com/

After losing my shit with a crappy external hard drive, this just updates your hard drive every night. And if your house ever catches fire after a Thursday Night Football arson for insurance money, you can still have access to it on a zip file or for a fee they’ll send you a USB Hard Drive or Flash Stick with your selected files.

There too is a link for goodies for both parties but that contains my real name when it shows up, I can put in here if you are intrigued.

FYI: THERE IS NO FREE VERSION OF THIS AFTER THE TRIAL

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

A Buddy Cole post with the words “hard drive” in it and no dick jokery? 2016 is indeed the worst.

King Hippo
Member

or what about the flamer insinuation?

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Oh don’t make summon Quentin Crisp and go Naked Civil Servant on your bitch ass!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Thank you for that; needed to crack up a bit today.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

So I swear by this password manager (LastPass) and since I have a premium account you can click on this link and get a month of free premium if you so choose.

The free one is damned good too, but the Premium one comes with access to the app which has saved my ass on numerous occasions in the past. But seriously if you want to be a free rider and get a really good password manager, go for it, and consider this an early Christmas gift.

Love, Buddy

https://lastpass.com/f?7586386

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

That is some intense nightmare fueled photoshoppery

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Grab ’em by the Bobby V.

WCS
Member

It’s going to be interesting when he tries to appoint Borat to the Kazakhstan embassy.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

HA! I’m working on those projects right now.

WCS
Member

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King Hippo
Member

Oh, someboddddaaaaayyyy is asked. Asked indeed.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

JESUS FUCKING HERBERT GOD DAMN BASARD RENQUIST THEODOR MAYHEM DEPRESSION CHRIST!

HAPPY SEXY FUCKING FRIDAY!

http://specialtytoolandbolt.com/troll_images/happy_hour_inhelllarge.jpg

jjfozz
Member

If I went out, and bought about 1200 Louisville Sluggers, and started a gang that sought out, and then beat to death, white supremacists, would I be able to cash the check from the Nobel Peace Prize committee immediately, or would I have to wait a few days?

And by beating I mean much more than just denting a few skulls. I’m talking broken eye sockets, cracked knee caps and elbows, and severe organ damage. Also, shots to the nuts with a swing that mimics Rod Carew’s might stroke.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
Member

Lot of guns with that crowd. We might need to Taze them first.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Those Nazis are easily offended; it’s Alt. Right mister!!

I’ll chip in.

Don T
Member

Magnificent
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Hey, cool, Facebook made a video looking back at my last year!

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Don T
Member

Mine
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Don T
Member

Dammit!! Second try
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SonOfSpam
Member

Mine was a video of that one guy squeezing broken glass out his butthole.

Here, I’ll post the-
/gets electrocuted by DFO somehow

King Hippo
Member

I said it (MOAR than) once and I say it again…

2016! The year that shat in everyone’s mouth.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

Did I pass out during this or something? Seems I’d be remember being impaled and/or pounded into a bloody pile of bones.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
Member

Don’t worry- the repressed memory will manifest itself through unexplained crying jags whenever you hear the intro to We Will Rock You

yeah right
Member

The cowboy hat was an inspired touch.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

I may be losing it. Where the fuck was the cowboy hat?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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SonOfSpam
Member

Eh, Boltman’s coming apocalypse is still a better way to go than “President Trump”

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

I think it moved.

No, I KNOW it moved.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Old School Zero
Member

oh holy shit yes

jjfozz
Member

Could I hire out the Boltman to take care of the Irsay clan? Cost is not a problem.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Especially since BOLTMAN could raid Jim’s giant cache of drugs

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