Your “Let’s Further Muddy The Playoff Waters This Week, Shall We?” NFL Football Early Slate Open Thread

There’s much to get to so let’s go directly… TO THE GAMES!

Pit/Buf-The Steelers look a lot like a team rounding into playoff shape. During their recent 3 game run they’ve recorded 13 sacks which has doubled their season total. That’s quality quarterback-getting! Add an improving D to an O that is becoming increasingly reliant on rb Bell and his average of 140 yards from scrimmage per game and yet still has the wondrous Antonio Brown in its arsenal and that looks to me like a delicious recipe for post-season success. Meanwhile the Buffalo “Absent from the playoffs for 16 years and counting” Bills beat reporters are beating the hell out of qb Taylor, badgering him about his stats, his big contract and his utter lack of whiteness-though that last part is implied.

Den/Ten-Qb Siemian was limited in practice for much of the week but will get the start today. Denver is 4-2 on the road and needs this one badly because they’ve got the likes of the Raiders, Chiefs and Pats lurking on the horizon. The Titans “meh” 6-6 record is good for first in their division. It’s all or nothing for them because if they don’t end up winning the AFC South (and let’s be honest-a quick exit from the playoffs) they’ll have no shot at a wild-card berth.

Was/Phi-Philly has lost 7 of their last 9, allowing their fans to be their truly horrible selves. That 3-0 start was just The Fates having their fun, wasn’t it? We all knew that the partial tear-down of a Chip Kelly-engineered team would be a painful process and we ended up being correct. The Redacteds are a half-game behind Tampa for the second NFC wild-card despite being 6-5-1. Yeesh!

Ari/Mia-The Fins must be the least intimidating 7-5 team in ever, especially after getting exposed as the charlatans they are by the Ravens last week. That said, Arizony can’t win on the road and will be waving bye-bye to their (rightly) pathetic playoff hopes when this game is over. Just curious, has Berman used Adam “Foot on the” Gase yet because I don’t want it.

SD/Car-This game means nothing to anyone. No, wait. It does mean something to all those weirdos that are putting together their 2017 Mock Draft 3.2 or whatever.

Cincy/Cle-[tentatively pencils in Cleveland as having the first overall pick] “Hey, cut me a break-I’m new at this!”

Chi-Det-The Lions have a solid 2 game lead in the NFC North. [checks standings for the fifth time] Yep, 2 games. They’re still there. How they’ve gotten to where they are without a credible run game and the loss of a sure Hall of Famer at wideout sure does tickle the old cortex. The Bears wr’s Jeffrey and Royal are out and Wilson is dicey to play due to being hamstrung. I have no idea who qb Barkley will throw to, or if throwing the ball is part of the game plan, or if there is a game plan or if the coaches were even told that there is a game this week.

Hou/Indy– 666 may be the mark of the beast but 6-6-6-6-6-6 is the mark of an AFC South division putz, er, leader-all three of them. Perhaps we get a tie in this tilt and the mark could change to 6-6-1? Crossed fingers have been engaged.

Min/Jac– The 2-10 Jags were eliminated from playoff contention “just last week” according to somebody with much too much time on their hands. Great job hanging in there, Gus. Whatever you do, don’t let that win/loss record hit you on the way out the door, ’cause that would be remarkably painful. Any bets on him being the first coach fired on the Monday after the regular season finishes up? Say, 6 am local time? Despite a winnable game vs. the Cowboys ending up as an L, the Vikes 5-0 kickstart is looking to be as much of an aberration as the Eagles “out of the gate” 3-0. “But they could still turn it around!”, some will say-and yes, that is in the realm of possibility and will gain credence after they whoop the Jags but, no. You had your chance in the middle of the season and you blew it.

There. Let’s pretend you’re all caught up. Now, GIMMEE SOME OF THAT WORD/GIF-BASED LOVIN’!

 

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Old School Zero

BURN IT DOWN!

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King Hippo

When Gano makes this, the opposing goddamned KICKER will have 17 at the half.

Curse of Marino

Homeless dumpster fires warm themselves on winter nights around this game

WCS

Jim Tomsula agrees.

King Hippo

King Laserface has -8.65 for me so far. Eat all the dicks all the way back to CA, motherfucker.

Redshirt

Oh, Nuge… I love you, but serious, go walk into Lake Erie.

blackroseMD1

I’d probably put money down on the Chargers not running a single play in Carolina territory this game.

Old School Zero

The only thing the Chargers should be playing for right now is getting Gates those TDs.

Old School Zero

Eh, never mind. ABANDON ALL HOPE.

...

I mean, moving to Los Angeles will obviously solve all of their problems.

King Hippo

worked for RAM IT! didn’t it??

blackroseMD1

Yeah, I was about to say…it’s pretty optimistic thinking that we’re gonna score another TD this year.

ThursdaySkyGoddess

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WCS

This is banner worthy.

Curse of Marino

SHANK’HOR HAS BLESSED THE MIAMI DOLPHINS THIS GLORIOUS DAY

BrettFavresColonoscopy

If you’re looking for a distraction, keep in mind that anything can be a dildo if you’re brave enough.

Redshirt

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Senor Weaselo

Lest we forget, Ass Möde is a way of life.
https://youtu.be/Rzyto43_-Hc

theeWeeBabySeamus

ASS HERPES!!!!!!!!!

blackroseMD1

And now Joey Bosa is down.

Dean Spanos must have fucked the Injury God’s daughter or something. Jesus…

WCS

DO NOT QUESTION THE WRATH OF BOLTMAN

Senor Weaselo

Sadfox the injury god?

Old School Zero

Say what? I step away for a moment and no more Bosa?

SHUT IT DOWN!

blackroseMD1

He knocked himself out sacking Cam.

Old School Zero

Ah, well.

Curse of Marino

The cards are at mid-field.

How many plays efore you hear “Palmer lost the football”

Unsurprised

Commenting on my phone is becoming too much of a pain in the ass. Later taters.

Horatio Cornblower

Halftime seems like a good time to take the dog for his Gentleman’s Stroll before Connecticut gets rain and sleet until Tuesday.

Later taters.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

In Baltimore, a gentleman’s stroll is getting mugged on your way to your own mailbox.

Curse of Marino

“Alexa what’s the weather like in MIami?”

“Look outside dumbfuck.”

King Hippo

Wentz looks SO BAD and then makes THAT THROW perfectly

King Hippo

McCoy wastes a challenge trying to get 6 yards back. 1st down either way. And he’s wrong.

Senor Weaselo

Lovie challenges your critique of that challenge.

Senor Weaselo

Johnnies lose to LIU. Is it possible this team will have a worse record than last year?

King Hippo

They seem to be the new DePaul

Senor Weaselo

I’m honestly not entirely sure, because since they were the first noteworthy team to get Gonzaga’d (2 seed coming off an Elite Eight appearance the year before) they’ve been to the tourney once and normally just been an NIT team. Lavin didn’t get them back in, just the one appearance his first year, everyone under him graduated and now it’s a young team but not the Duke/Kentucky kind. But you’d hope under year two of Mullin they’d be moving in the right direction.

WCS

Member when St. John’s canned Steve Lavin cuz Chris Mullin was a supposed to be bettah? O I MEMBAH.

King Hippo

As any NC State fan can tell ya, IT CAN ALWAYS GET WORSE

/especially with a stupid/lazy alum HAI SIDNEY LOWE!!!

blackroseMD1

Mike McCoy doing his best Riverboat Ron impression by throwing his challenge flag on a play that is clearly not in the Chargers favor.

If my kids weren’t here, I’d be smashed and ready to nap by now.

King Hippo

If I had gone to the bar, I’d be just as ripped about Donks/Titans and blowing what should have been a 90/10 fantasy matchup.

Redshirt

I would like to remind you all that Mike Shanahan should have the shit beaten out of him for ruining RGIII’s career in his rookie year.

WCS

Mike Shanahan: Setting orange standards in Washington long before Herr Drumpf.

Doktor Zymm

THIS SO MUCH THIS

Doktor Zymm

Blitzin : The stupidest reindeer

ThursdaySkyGoddess

Goal line stand is Not-So-Jaguras.

Doktor Zymm

I don’t know….this game seems kinda stupid.

WCS

Le’Veon Bell running great, and the o-line opening holes (PHRASING). THE BEN has thrown two picks, and generally looks ungood. BOSS TODD SAYS FUCK IT KEEP THROWING

/cranks Twisted Sister
//burns three doughnuts on WCS’s lawn

King Hippo

my only hope is that Marvin decides to set some kind of record with Eifert

Curse of Marino

FLAGS VS DOLPHINS VS CARDINALS

King Hippo

The ground war with Asiata grinds to a halt.

Doktor Zymm

That happens in the winter

Old School Zero

Chargers just need FULL COMMITMENT! If they had that, they’d be able to make history and have a player die on the field. But nooooo, it’s just a long string of injuries.

Doktor Zymm

Wow, Philly O-line can’t run block for shit

Horatio Cornblower

That ‘Romeo & Juliet’ movie in the iPhone ad looks like something Jerry Sandusky would’ve directed.

Curse of Marino

I don’t care how sad you look, Will Smith, you’re not winning an Oscar unless you fight a bear.

Horatio Cornblower

Great. Now he’s gonna make a movie with Harvey Fierstein and it’s gonna be your fault.

Doktor Zymm

ACK THAT TIE WITH THAT SHIRT MY EYES MY EYES

Curse of Marino

I want to thank the rain for drenching the miami cheerleaders

Spur

Chris Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence fucked didnt they?

Old School Zero

I sure hope so. I hope they made a baby. Or ten.

Horatio Cornblower

Pratt’s married to Anna Faris.

Which I guess doesn’t really answer your question .

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I would buy him and Aubrey Plaza before that. I think he is actually a decent guy that wouldn’t do that though.

Redshirt

Never underestimate beer. Pratt and Lawrence seem like two guys who would go out for a beer. Five or twelve beers later…

Redshirt

What the… The Bengals got the ball back?

I underestimated the Browns’ ability to suck.

Doktor Zymm

Philly fans being loud and yelling abuse at their coach? NEVER!

ThursdaySkyGoddess

Goddammit!

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Cats/Bolts (artist’s rendering)
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Horatio Cornblower

“The fuck outta here kid.”

Curse of Marino

SOMEBODY FELL. FLAG ON THE RAIN. 5TH DOWN

WCS

HARFHARFHARF

/started THE BEN
//of course

Unsurprised

Except when Shoe Warehouse is having a clearance sale

Spur

R KELLEY PISSING ON EAGLES

WCS

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Unsurprised

Your avatar is almost too perfect for this comment

Curse of Marino

THIS JAY AJAYI, I CALL HIM A 10 GALLON DRUM OF VASELINE, BECAUSE HE’S LUBED UP AND FUCKING THE CARDINALS

Doktor Zymm

Rob Kelley is a beast.

WCS

Who else would pay good money to watch a Mike Tomlin-Mike Zimmer tag-team beat the everloving shit out of opponents?

Unsurprised

Mike and Mike vs. the execrable turds of the Mike & Mike show. To the death.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Will there be snacks? If so, then I’m in.

Horatio Cornblower

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Unsurprised

Of course! I am the leader of Team Snacks For All

blackroseMD1

The Chargers are tanking for a better draft pick, right? This is almost Factory levels of incompetence.

Old School Zero

It’s so hard to tell.

King Hippo

it’s fucking me right out of the playoffs, despite playing a team that started Carr and Crabtree for a total of under 8 pts. FUCK EVERYTHING

Shogun Marcus

Goodell may be a national disgrace, but Triplette’s crew recognizes no such delineation. Disgraces without Borders.

...

Watching Collateral Beauty is going to make me want to jump into an industrial-sized blender, right?

Doktor Zymm

Another question about the Viagra single packs….have these people never heard of a pill box?

Doktor Zymm

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King Hippo

the only real ‘splanation is it’s for people hiring a courtesan like once per 3 months.

...

Look at this guy busting out fancy words for fancy whores.

...

Yay, daily boner boxes!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I never understood the single packs, you can’t bring them in the 3 inch tall, 1 inch wide bottle with all of your supply?

Doktor Zymm

Maybe it’s for people who hate the environment and want more packaging

Unsurprised

Sounds like Baby Boomers.

Horatio Cornblower

We have a cat named Nutmeg and whenever this woman in the Hyundai commercial with the Christmas fetish says “You smell like Nutmeg” I wonder why she gets so excited about the smell of dead rodents and birds.

Old School Zero

“One of the alkaloid compounds which gives nutmeg its peculiar appeal, called myristicin, is so intoxicating that it’s actually hallucinogenic. It’s apparently popular in prisons, which is why nutmeg has been banned in many prison kitchens. “Stirred into a glass of cold water, a penny matchbox full of nutmeg had the kick of three or four reefers,” wrote Malcolm X in his autobiography, describing his prison psychedelics. What he doesn’t mention is the brutal headaches, nausea, and convulsions that accompany the relatively short trips. The symptoms of nutmeg abuse sound strangely like those described by toad-lickers. Keep it in mind when you’re going for your fourth mug of eggnog. “Results are vaguely similar to marijuana with side effects of headache and nausea. Death would probably supervene before addiction if such addiction is possible. I have only taken nutmeg once,” said William S. Burroughs in Naked Lunch. Listen to William S. Burroughs. Nutmeg is probably the only narcotic for which he declined a second try.”

From: https://quantumbiologist.wordpress.com/2010/12/22/the-dark-side-of-nutmeg/

...

This reminds me of a novel series about an alien invasion in which the aliens got badly addicted to ginger.

Unsurprised

The Harry Turtlesdove series where aliens invade during WW2 and the Allies have to team up with Hitler.

...

GO TEAM HITLER!

Unsurprised

— Trumpsters everywhere

Unsurprised

Is she a reminder that Peter King should be buried alive in shit and sand?