Your “Things Are Starting To Come Together” Sunday Afternoon NFL Football Open Thread

“The Great Cleavening” has begun in earnest once again my friends. What the heck is a ‘cleavening’ you may ask yourself? Well, according to the definition I just created it means, “to separate those with no hope from those with a modicum of hope from those with solid hope”. It couldn’t be more clear after that explanation, can it? As far as I’m concerned and I’ve said this before, those teams that are hanging on by a thread aren’t actually doing so-they’re just drawing out the inevitable. Yes, certainly there is the possibility that the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders will die in a brush fire, triggering the long-forgotten “George Preston Marshall Plan” whereby all players of a certain skin colour will be sent to internment camps in South Dakota where they will toil in the Peanut mines. But seriously, what are the odds of that happening? At this point we’ve got a very good idea of who is in and who is out, so let’s just dispense with the wacko scenarios whereby the Eagles somehow get into the playoffs, shall we? TO THE GAMES!

GB/Chi-The Pack continues its ‘run the table’ narrative against a Bears team that ran out of chips back in October. If you like to see clouds of an evaparatory nature coming from the mouths of huffing and puffing fat guys in deathly cold weather, this is all yours.

Jax/Hou-The Texans get the lovely pre-Christmas gift of the Jags at home. They’re locked in a dismal tie with the Titans for first in the AFC South and both teams will likely remain that way until they meet during the last week of the season. That’s EXCITEMENT!-NFL-style.

Cle/Buf-Care to watch the unwatchable as your toes become gangrenous? You can do so for as little as $7, according to some secondary selling sites on this here internet. Your other option is to show up to the gates of New Era Field at 1:05 Eastern where you will likely as not be bum-rushed into the stadium by security staff. They’ve got quotas to fill.

Phi/Bal-Philly is still “mathematically alive” (see what I mean?) despite them being in the middle of a 4 game tumble. What this means is that they’re dead. DEAD! 1-6 on the road does not a playoff team make, kiddos. The Ravens will take the AFC North if they win out because that will have meant that they dispatched the Steelers next week and scored the tie-breaker for themselves.

Ten/KC-The Chiefs are in the old ‘win and you’re in’ spot against the Titans. A Tennessee loss here won’t be a death blow to their division title hopes because Houston being Houston, they’ll likely find a way to lose to the Bengals at home in prime time next week, setting up that ‘win or die’ scenario I yakked about up above.

Det/NYG-No, neither of these deeply flawed teams are as good as their record would indicate. A bit of luck and a weaker schedule can work wonders for the confidence of under-achieving squads. Strange to say it but each team can afford a loss here due to the work they’ve done earlier on. If the Giants D is rounding into the form that I’ve seen in years past they’ll go after qb Stafford and his loosely-ligamented throwing paw. Neither team has anything resembling an effective ground game but you’ll still be treated to a surfeit of boring-as-hell 1 and 2 yard-ers. Giants in a squeaker? It seems to be both teams’ modus operandi this year.

Ind/Min-The Fightin’ Minnesotans get back their favourite whipping boy in rb Peterson this week. Er, boy-whipper. I meant to say boy whipper just then. If the Vikes D regains their earlier snap, crackle and pop they should get themselves a playoff berth. Indy had their chances long ago.

Pit/Cin-The Steelers look to be peeking and the Bengals look to maintain their ‘ploding. Done.

That’s it. LET’S WALLOW IN THE GREATNESS OF THE COMMENTS BELOW, SHALL WE?

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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

“He has excellent hands”

Announcer talking about the Bears receiver with 15 drops including 2 that lost games

Fronkenshteen

You’re the fucking best, Hippo!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
theeWeeBabySeamus

Did I say insurmountable? I meant IF FLACCO DOESN’T FLACCO WE’LL BE GOOD.
Flacco, you dumb motherfucker, you.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I had to get out of bed to comment on how stupid of a call that was by McCarthy, that is just begging for a stupid upset by the Bears to end their playoff hopes

theeWeeBabySeamus

Wow, server took so fucking long to ping back, I forgot what I was gonna fucking say…..
Oh yeah….Ravens’ lead insurmountable, Imma go watch movies.
Fuck Football.

...

I bought Die Hard on Blu Ray and will watch it on the most Christmas-y night I can find.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“Isn’t there a cliff up here?”

“We don’t know that for sure, let’s just give Sparky a chance.”

“But he was dropped on his head as a puppy and isn’t aware of his surroundings.”

“Shut up.”

http://68.media.tumblr.com/f4419cfbc104c91595bf5ef34f35b08f/tumblr_oi4iimaxH21sq9drqo1_1280.jpg

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

1 watched a quarter of the Bears losing a game. I deserve a quarter at least of laying in bed not really watching. Be back in a bit.

Redshirt

(Turn game back on after suffering Lower Intestinal Spasms for 30 minutes)
“Touchdown, Bengals!”

Aw, hell! Now I gotta find a way to shit for three more hours. Skyline Chili, Taco Bell, White Castle and Arby’s it is!

LemonJello

What is “shit yourself hollow? Alex?”

The Maestro

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...

Hell, without Cutler throwing the ball, the Bears’ receivers can’t even catch a preventable disease!

King Hippo

Cameron Meredith – Questionable (Distemper)

...

I like the Bears’ receivers have followed the NFL’s example of having no idea what a catch is.

King Hippo

Why are they not just giving Jordan Howard 50-60 carries?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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herodotus450

Chris Pratt and huger games gilr are in a movie together? It should be called, “Focus Group: The Movie.”

The Maestro

Folks.

Fronkenshteen

HOWAREYA!?!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Maybe the Broncos can access some of last year’s magic and edge the P*ts today.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
King Hippo

Or even better, beat ’em within an inch of their mortal lives. But yeah…realistically…

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I will fucking smash every Bears receivers hands with a hammer if they keep dropping the football. It won’t help the team but it will give them an excuse for being so bad.

Brocky

packers fans

But … But… Rodgers receivers are dropping everything

Duchess

Me turning on the Bears-Packers Game
http://giphy.com/gifs/11gC4odpiRKuha/html5

herodotus450

That throw to eifert was the most dissapointing thing since my son.

Brocky

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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Rodgers gets hit as he throws. Flag for late hit.

Also TD next play I don’t care about that as much though

Brocky

I feel like the nfl should lessen the penalty on roughing the passer if its a first down.

that’s just me though.

King Hippo

WOO!!!!!!!!!!!! Hippo no benchy Tyreek this week.

Senor Weaselo

Afternoon folks. I had something clever that I thought of while trying to sleep that I was going to defer to the floor and now I don’t remember what it was. This is why I need to stop having smart thoughts at 4:30 in the morning.

What’a up?

King Hippo

Wait until you cross 40, you’ll stop having clever thoughts altogether. Or some days….thoughts full stop.

Brocky

Packers didn’t lose in the championship round last year, they lost in the divisional.

fuck you chicago announcer who’s not joe buck or troy aikman

JustStopDude

JSD MURDER-SUICIDE UPDATE Part 97.

I’ll be painting all day today, listening to the games on my cell.

Interesting morning. I woke up on the hallway floor around 6am to a large, furry thing moving past my face. I have two major phobias….heights and rats. I run into the one bedroom, screaming like a child. My old man was already up and yells “What’s wrong”

“DAD! CAREFUL!!! THERE IS A MASSIVE FUCKING RAT!”

“LANGUAGE!”

“DAD SHUT UP! A MASSIVE RAT” I’m seriously hyperventilating.

“JSD…the only thing out here is me and Mr. Tibbs”

“WHAT THE HELL IS MR.TIBBS?!?!?!”

“Our cat…”

I crack open the door and see my dad holding a large grey cat “When the hell did you get a cat?!?”

This is when I find out that my folks have had a cat for 8 years and I have been in this house for like a week and had not noticed. This kind of drives home the point of how bad the clutter was.

I took the folks to church at 7am. I think besides me, my old man was the youngest person in the audience. At least three times, my father told people they knew about how their son is scared of cats. Afterward, we hit up the appliance store. My old man was really struggling, but he pulled through.

And of course…my parents tell the salespeople how I am scared of cats.

I then took them out to the county to get them a tree. My mother started saying they don’t have room for a tree and the corrected herself…then got really excited. We get to the lot and my dad is arguing that I shouldn’t put a tree on my rental car.

“Its my car dad”

“You have a car?”

“YES! Its my car”

“So I guess you don’t want my car…I kind of thought I would give it to you”

“What? Since when do you have a car?!?”

This is when I learn there is a car buried in my parents’ backyard that I have never seen in my life.

So we get the fucking tree. I already have popcorn, a tree stand, and some lights in my car (I couldn’t sleep last night so I hit up a walmart). This way, there is no reason for my old man to go into the backyard to try and find random Christmas shit.

Oh…and they told two families also looking at trees, the potheaded teenager that couldn’t tie knots, and the fucking old lady that took my cash…that their son is scared of cats. Each time this story gets told, it gets more and more extreme and I am a bigger wuss…

I figure one more coat of primer for each of the rooms upstairs. Soon as that dries, I am hitting the proper colors. A couple of coats each. Should get this done in two days. Monday, the “Got Junk” folks show up. Weds, the appliances show up. So come tomorrow, I will move all the old appliances into the living room, prep the walls, fix anything, and start painting.

Both my bank and my credit card company have texted me, freaking out about my spending. On a positive, I can focus on just painting, my parents are out of my hair. My mother is on pins and needles because she is terrified that the appliances are not going to get here before Christmas. I got to give my old man a lot of credit. I mean he is a bundle of nerves but he hasn’t been lashing out.

Really…the only thing I am a bit nervous about on my end…is my sister showing up tonight.

Redshirt

Uh, it might be time to get some fresh air. I think the paint fumes are getting to you.

JustStopDude

You ain’t kidding…

In my defense..I was half asleep. As a kid, I got bit by a rat…I mean I was tiny…like 3 years old. Its a primordial fear of mine. I don’t even like squirrels cause they look too much like rats.

herodotus450

Hey everybody,, remember that time JSD saw a picture of a kitten and got so scared he joinde the navy? SO FUNNY.

Redshirt

Hey! The Refs can throw the flags on the Steelers? Who knew?!

LemonJello

Fun Fact: Fluffy Wobbler is Rodger’s online handle at http://www.gloreeholeboys.org

Redshirt

To all Steelers fans who may be making fun of Burfict trying to be better, you may also want root for him to play smarter, seeing how he took out your entire Holy Trinity of Steel last year.

herodotus450

You might say he’s, Burficting, the art of the middle linebacker/headhunter position.

Senor Weaselo

Who are Andrew Carnegie, Franco Harris, and Steely McBeam? I’ll take Potent Potables for 800.

Fronkenshteen

Oh good. My game drew Moose Johnston & the cockeyed Albert.

Brocky

I think its time for some new shoes (or at least new insoles), I woke up today and the arch on my foot felt like it was on fire.

Kinda reluctant to change anything thought: I really enjoy threatening my brother with it:

“And I swear to god if you don’t shut up i’m going to shove my size eleven Merrell so far up your ass your breath is going to smell like Neoprene, are we clear?

King Hippo

I think that’s when I turned the tv off when I tried to watch.

Redshirt

“O Lord! Why have You forsaken me?!”

King Hippo

I don’t think Arsenal really grasp they are (i) behind and (ii) in added time.

Redshirt

This Bengals-Steelers game, I have a fear that I’m going to call it the Maury show because I have the dread that its going to end with Le’Veon Bell being revealed as Cincinnati’s daddy.

King Hippo

As long as you fuckers throw to Eifert a METRIC GODDAMNED FUCKTON.

herodotus450

Not sure if this is one of those jokes that long ado became old, but everytim I see his name (on my fantasy roster) I think of someone’s fantasy team name involving the pun Eiferted

King Hippo

Fortunately, I picked him up on waivers in a league with 20-man rosters. He’s just been found money to me.

5 of my 9 starters in the playoff semifinals are waiver scrap iron. Only two (David Johnson, Seattle) cost any real $$ for their position at auction. I could have made it 6 of 9 had I started Tyrell Williams over He-Mannuel Sanders.

Redshirt

He’s our only passing weapon, and we’ll be playing from behind. As long as he stays healthy, we’re good.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

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King Hippo

I am solely watching City/Arsenal (sorry Horatio, your boys done bottled the second half), because I don’t want any second guessing of my Thursday decisions. Ain’t nobody hurt, and no weather concerns for any of my QB/WR skill players. That enough.

King Hippo

Need upside? DAK! Guranteed floor? Dreamboat.

King Hippo

Can you go back in time and pick up Matt Moore??

Fronkenshteen

MAYDAY, MAYDAY! I need help! (NON-ppr league)
1) Is Carr’s pinkie still too fucked up start Amari Cooper?
2) Wait till next week w/AP, right?
3) Pick 2 Flex players:
• Ty Montgomery (A Rodgers hobbled, sub-zero temps)
• JJ Nelson (Floyd gone, Fitz fading, Smokey has sickle-cell, Gresham is Gresham, N.O. secondary)
• K Dixon (windy game, Philly D stinks)

ANY advice is appreciated, as a win today gets me in the money, & Miami D/ST did a number on me last night.
Thanks!

King Hippo

Ty and JJ

Fronkenshteen

Thanks!

Fronkenshteen

I read Evan Silva’a Matchups column every week. On this week’s podcast, he said of Nelson: “Wherever I have him, I’m starting him.”

herodotus450

Think I’m gonna spend the day reorganizing and weeding out my porn collection. Oh wait, I said the quiet part, loud.

laserguru

Think I’m gonna break out my AD 28 jersey for the first time this year.

Gots to get my mojo working.

And later I’m making a stew with braised short ribs and shitaki mushrooms in case anyone’s in the neighborhood.

Shogun Marcus

Gonna switch it up eh?
/leaving

King Hippo

Also a good way to let any children running about to keep they asses in check ,, ppl forget that.

Horatio Cornblower

I am considering benching Tom Brady against Denver for Rivers against Oakland for the play-offs.

Am I overthinking this? It’s apparently a new Ice Age in Denver and they beat the piss out of the Pats, who will run the ball all day. And Rivers can pile up stats, and Oakland’s D is meh, but Rivers is also playing with 3rd-stringers and threw the goddamn ball like he’d bet on the opponent last week.

Fuck it, I’mma stay with Brady. I can’t trust a man who doesn’t know when to pull out.

LemonJello

Cromartie nods in agreement.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

You realize that applies to both of them

Horatio Cornblower

Oh shit. You’re right MTWV.

Now I’ve gotta rethink this whole thing!

King Hippo

I would do it. No guts, no glory.

And to your credit, you asked someboooooodddddaaaaayyyyy

Fronkenshteen

I benched brees for flacco till I heard 30 mph wind gusts. Then I lost my nerve.

Spur

On my way to see Star Wars. Gotta tell these cops to let us out.

Horatio Cornblower

Try telling them “These are not the droids you’re looking for”, while making weird motions with your hands. That oughta do it.

LemonJello

I’m sure they’ll take you serious with the full Darth Vader costume on.

Spur

Posted in the wrong thread. Am in Vegas for the holidays. Dogs making a commotion this morning. There’s a dead body in the neighbors yard.

The cops hassling me now. I don’t know anything.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Seems like you buried the lede there, chief.

entropy

He hasn’t buried anything yet, which is just bad planning in my opinion

LemonJello

Duh, DFO standard operating procedure is to put the dead bodies in the trunk.

Shogun Marcus

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entropy

Every time I hear the phrase “Jugs Machine,” this is what I think of:

http://files.shandymedia.com/images/body/hollyscoop/KatyPerrysBoobs_07.gif

LemonJello
Horatio Cornblower

I’m old, uh, school! Yeah, ‘old school’, not just old.

Jennifer Connolly, ‘Career Opportunities’

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FP3FsutfJUY

entropy

Love that one, too, but Katy here seems to hit the big O as the gif goes on, so I went with this one, Hippo.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

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Shogun Marcus

Morning. I’ve been outside and I was afraid to cough for fear that my retracted testicles would emerge from my throat. Is cold I say cold.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

It is like 25 degrees. I have been outside like 5 times now in shorts

entropy

Marc Trestman’s windowless van’s retracted nuts apparently already have popped out his mouth.

Shogun Marcus

Are you still buzzed? It’s minus 1 with a chill to -24 you silly rabbit.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Apparently I must be, I was fine outside. I even hung out after my cig was done more than once to let my moms dog hang outside and then again when I let my dog out.

entropy

So yesterday I played Santa Claus for my married friend’s Christmas party, and the second kid to talk to me called me out, hard.

Little girl is 5 years old, sits on my knee, and just gives me a cold stare. I say hello, merry Christmas, and ask her name.

“Don’t you know it?” Dead eyes my stare, and she never fuckin blinks.

I try to recover, ask her what she wants, she’s having none of it. Still unblinking, she says without missing a beat, “Why didn’t you read my list?”

And then Bryce Petty died later that night, so good Saturday for me.

King Hippo

You continue to scoff at Jim Caldwell’s Fuck Lions of Destiny. But he shall have the last laugh. In the form of a blank, emotionless stare.

Also, I would LOVE it if the cold completely seizes up Rodgers’ thrusting calf and he is in fact inactive. My fantasy opponent who got 25+ from fucking Bilal Powell last night (full PPR) has NO BACKUP on a 20-man LOCKED roster.

Punish his hubris, Jeebus.

LemonJello

“Thrusting calf? You have my interest.”

-Fighting Sanduskies, Brokeback Mountain Junior College

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