“The Great Cleavening” has begun in earnest once again my friends. What the heck is a ‘cleavening’ you may ask yourself? Well, according to the definition I just created it means, “to separate those with no hope from those with a modicum of hope from those with solid hope”. It couldn’t be more clear after that explanation, can it? As far as I’m concerned and I’ve said this before, those teams that are hanging on by a thread aren’t actually doing so-they’re just drawing out the inevitable. Yes, certainly there is the possibility that the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders will die in a brush fire, triggering the long-forgotten “George Preston Marshall Plan” whereby all players of a certain skin colour will be sent to internment camps in South Dakota where they will toil in the Peanut mines. But seriously, what are the odds of that happening? At this point we’ve got a very good idea of who is in and who is out, so let’s just dispense with the wacko scenarios whereby the Eagles somehow get into the playoffs, shall we? TO THE GAMES!
GB/Chi-The Pack continues its ‘run the table’ narrative against a Bears team that ran out of chips back in October. If you like to see clouds of an evaparatory nature coming from the mouths of huffing and puffing fat guys in deathly cold weather, this is all yours.
Jax/Hou-The Texans get the lovely pre-Christmas gift of the Jags at home. They’re locked in a dismal tie with the Titans for first in the AFC South and both teams will likely remain that way until they meet during the last week of the season. That’s EXCITEMENT!-NFL-style.
Cle/Buf-Care to watch the unwatchable as your toes become gangrenous? You can do so for as little as $7, according to some secondary selling sites on this here internet. Your other option is to show up to the gates of New Era Field at 1:05 Eastern where you will likely as not be bum-rushed into the stadium by security staff. They’ve got quotas to fill.
Phi/Bal-Philly is still “mathematically alive” (see what I mean?) despite them being in the middle of a 4 game tumble. What this means is that they’re dead. DEAD! 1-6 on the road does not a playoff team make, kiddos. The Ravens will take the AFC North if they win out because that will have meant that they dispatched the Steelers next week and scored the tie-breaker for themselves.
Ten/KC-The Chiefs are in the old ‘win and you’re in’ spot against the Titans. A Tennessee loss here won’t be a death blow to their division title hopes because Houston being Houston, they’ll likely find a way to lose to the Bengals at home in prime time next week, setting up that ‘win or die’ scenario I yakked about up above.
Det/NYG-No, neither of these deeply flawed teams are as good as their record would indicate. A bit of luck and a weaker schedule can work wonders for the confidence of under-achieving squads. Strange to say it but each team can afford a loss here due to the work they’ve done earlier on. If the Giants D is rounding into the form that I’ve seen in years past they’ll go after qb Stafford and his loosely-ligamented throwing paw. Neither team has anything resembling an effective ground game but you’ll still be treated to a surfeit of boring-as-hell 1 and 2 yard-ers. Giants in a squeaker? It seems to be both teams’ modus operandi this year.
Ind/Min-The Fightin’ Minnesotans get back their favourite whipping boy in rb Peterson this week. Er, boy-whipper. I meant to say boy whipper just then. If the Vikes D regains their earlier snap, crackle and pop they should get themselves a playoff berth. Indy had their chances long ago.
Pit/Cin-The Steelers look to be peeking and the Bengals look to maintain their ‘ploding. Done.
That’s it. LET’S WALLOW IN THE GREATNESS OF THE COMMENTS BELOW, SHALL WE?
When the bears below average receivers have the dropsies, its Jay Cutler’s fault.
when the packers above average receivers have the dropsies, its the receiver’s fault.
When people in California get the shakes it’s the San Andreas fault.
Global warming is Cutlers fault, and based on the current temp he can’t even do that right
I’ve never read anything more truer.
I agree, Jay Cutler gets blamed for a lot of things that are out of his control.
http://68.media.tumblr.com/6ce25136bff84cf6df4705a2ca0fd9b8/tumblr_ogi1yde3zF1qewacoo5_1280.jpg
Wow Moose, I didn’t know you were *that* big.
The Martian with Buttsecks.
Whereas, “The Great Clevelanding” ensures that those with no hope will never rise into a position of any hope while also shitting on your chest.
I’m kind of tempted to watch the Bears game just to laugh at the poor suckers stuck back in the rapidly plummeting temperatures, now that I’m at my parents in balmy mid-50’s heat. It was 12 when I woke up this morning, 10 when I got to the airport, 7 when my flight left, and colder than that now, and there are people sitting out in that to watch the Bears…..suckers
It’s honestly not bad as long as you dress properly. Since the stadium has bleachers instead of seats, everyone’s packed in tight, which means that the wind isn’t that big a factor too. I was at that playoff game against SF when it got down to -5 and it was fine.
Do the Giants have a guy called Snatch Harrison?
Do the St. Louis Rams have a guy?
Wait… is it 2015 again?
Former Jet Damon “Snacks” Harrison. Unfortunately not the same incident as “Let’s go eat a goddamn snack,” but I did have to double check.
Oh, I thought I heard a “Snatch” in there. Snacks is better, I guess?
Joe Buck with the near-premature esackulation call there.
Where has this Bengals team been all year? Is this because they are all but out of it? If so, Mike Brown should hypnotise the entire team at the start of each game:
“You are 4-10. You have nothing to play for.”
Only awake because old lady from next door rang my doorbell waking my ass up. She gave me cookies and an xmas card. I guess that’s not so bad.
So fuck it, I guess I can watch some rare early games…thoughts:
1. Holy shit, Vikes. Nobody makes the Fat Humps look like the ’85 Bears.
2. Speaking of the Fat Humps, local Indy Fox affiliate, despite no CLOTS home game, gives no fucks and has random shit on instead of Bears/Packers (thank GOD for illegal streams). They honestly think everybody around hers is a Colts fan. The day I retire is the day I move away from this god awful state.
I fucking hated that living in southern indiana.
There are a **ShitTon** of Bears fans in Indiana.
I understand local blackout rules, but dawmn if there’s no game on what do they have to lose.
“I understand local blackout rules.”
– people in 1975
“I long for 1975.”
-quite a few voters, 2016
http://abcnews.go.com/Sports/bills-preparing-move-rex-ryan-head-coach/story?id=44264014
Rex has one foot out the door.
There’s a toes joke in here somewhere.
Rob Ryan gets named Head Coach of the Bills, brings Rex right back in as his D Coordinator.
http://68.media.tumblr.com/cad6a13c45302d99db9331e3f2482900/tumblr_oi5i960QED1sn8m9wo1_400.gif
Skip Bayless: host of america’s fassting growing sport show
That might be the best metaphor since “smartest kid on the short bus” for low achievements.
Skip Bayless: host of America’s best show featuring Skip Bayless.
I’m not so sure about that…
Yeah, you’re right, even that’s not a given.
He went from 1 viewer to 3. That’s 300% growth!
They count the tvs in Gitmo used as part of the “enhanced interrogation” protocols?
i feel like skip would be a trump supporter.
because he’s either fucking stupid or really good at manipulating dumb people.
Look at the Fuck Lions of Destiny doing a smart!! I didn’t even know that rule, and I’m a middle aged white male on the couch!
After further review, Clay Matthews was down by contact before stretching the ball across the goal line in that commercial. We will mark off 15 yards against Matthews’ smugness.
they never made it clear why clay had the ball in the first place.
Man fuck this shit.
You are playing a home game in a must win situation against a shit team and you come out playing like this?
Fuck that. I won’t be watching this fucking team for the rest of the year.
Fuck that shit.
So you will be switching teams to get away from Adrian Peterson?
“Its not about their offense”
Uhhh Tomlin, You’ve given up 20 points in one half, it is absolutely about their offense.
Oh look, it’s an ad featuring NFL trainers pretending the NFL gives a shit about concussions. Let’s go to Cam Newton for his thoughts…
Part of me wants Cam to go full heel.
Oh man absolutely.
“…”
-Cam Newton, postgame
cmon, browns, leave the lions record untarnished.
The Chargers are perfectly capable of laying a giant egg and letting them have just one win.
https://gfycat.com/WellinformedSoftAlpaca
This was an entertaining gif from last night.
http://68.media.tumblr.com/46a18e7f06f833f323192622ac0621be/tumblr_o5sldoFk3N1u3vseto1_500.jpg
“Whosoever rides this pink Vespa, if he be worthy, shall possess the power of Thor!”
-Odin the All-Father
“All right, after football is Colin Cowherd!” -Nobody. If someone says this they should be shot. Then beaten. Then shot again.
There’s a “being set on fire” step you’re missing in there somewhere.
I go with the Strong Bad approach. Everyone is different, no two people are not on fire.
Fox, you can advertise Skip Bayless’s show all you want; I will never, ever watch it.
And that goes double for Cowherd.
You know what? Just runs ads for German schiesse porn; there’s a better chance I’ll watch that.
Cowherd’s show is pretty much American schiesse porn.
Just like that they run an ad for Tom Hardy’s show ‘Taboo’, which I will watch but am terrified of the roughly 1:1 chance that it will devolve into something worse than German porn.
Tom Savage would be a great porn name
but it wasn’t a rooooooooccccckkkkkk
It was a Brock, Broooooooccccccckkkkkk
BROCK LOBSTER!!
“Honestly, I can’t think of a single thing worse than the Giants offensive play-calling.”
-Simon Wiesenthal
Too soon.
wow, Kill V. Maim is doing fuckall. But my bench is doing even worse, so c’est la vie.
It’s more like barely graze?
playful shove
I really wish that the Packers still had Lacy, but watching Montgomery run is entertaining as hell.
Don’t worry, Captain BlueBunny will have Starks right back in there as soon as he possibly can. 3 inches and a cloud of dust!!
” 3 inches and a cloud of dust!!”
But enough about Trump’s love life.
Chabert was/is over-rated. She dropped every one of passes I sent her way.
Ravens up by 2? INSURMOUNTABLE LEAD
http://68.media.tumblr.com/a8b1d4817f1a964b548820405cb66327/tumblr_mvb7r9inVE1rxam8fo2_250.gif
Figures the week I drop Hopkins the Texans finally bench Osweiler.
Of course they replaced him with Weeden and I got to watch him play for the Cowboys last year so yeah, I stand by my decision.
http://68.media.tumblr.com/2794387f23659a63ab8247bc527a0922/tumblr_mtvwnnUfTE1rzxw67o7_1280.png
Pictured above: Dallas Cowboys 2015 QB Coach Tom T. Cat watching film and trying to figure out what play Brandon Weeden thought he was running.
THIS BENGALS TEAM, I CALL THEM “CAMERON WAKE STRAIGHT UP MURDERING BRYCE PETTY” BECAUSE THE STEELERS ARE DEFINITELY DEAD
What the hell have you been eating?
Pretty Savage benching of Brock Osweiler here by the Texans coaching staff.
http://68.media.tumblr.com/e6606697ce69c3574cc521e27ff33ed2/tumblr_og1lk4yjcb1ubszlfo3_250.gif
Breaking News from the Not Oilers sidelines:
Osweiler standing nest to Weeden makes Weeden look short.
Weeden standing nest to Osweiler makes Osweiler look smart and handsome.
Twice? I club fingered (PHRASING!) “next” twice? Fuck it, I’ma drank.
Him getting benched seems to inspire teams to start playing well. Texans superbowl win confirmed?
FYI… this is the first time in like 2 months where I actually have my Sunday afternoon off to watch football! It’s been hard to get on here and talk about a game I didn’t watch I don’t know how Troy Aikman and Joe Buck do it weekly.
http://i.imgur.com/r8XNZ.gif
Nipple torture fetish.
http://68.media.tumblr.com/e90cc614e5d152f513525179714a72a5/tumblr_ogzlliXV7I1v48fc1o1_540.jpg
So the lack of call on tj lang’s blatant helmet to helmet validates every complaint i’ve ever had about green bay receiving biased officiating.
Von-taze’d.
Switched from Lions/Giants to Steelers/Bengals and caught Burfict getting his brains scrambled.
Purple Monkey Dishwasher, indeed.
Muscly Ed thought he was reffing a rugby game there
We’ve blatantly covered the ball with AstroGlide, let’s see if the Lions and Giants notice.
Anybody know a good documents guy?
I need new papers. Birth certificate without the word “Baltimore” appearing anywhere would be a good start.
At least Justin Tucker hasn’t turned into warm jello.
Dude’s money.
Are you asking for a serious reason?
I’m legitimately asking.
I’ve been dying for an office job, I have formal training.
I am really going to bed til the 3rd quarter now
…
See you in 5 min when I get back up when the Bears do something that annoys me.
As I get older I like the idea of very hot chicken wings much more than the reality.
I like my wings like I like my Taeks. Hot but not so hot that it seems forced
Hot is great when used for flavor. When used to test your manhood it’s just stupid.
Right. I like a kick to it but fuck I want to taste other things too
I fooled around with sweet/hot recipes for years to get it right and now I’m reduced to trying to perfect a honey-garlic sauce because I may have a hole in my belly.
So Bears… you just saw the Cubs wipe away years of losing and sucking with a 5 yr plan. I think this fanbase can handle a true rebuilding approach. Can we focus on something like that here?
Do the McCaskeys still own the Bears? Then no.
I’ve been blessed to have grown up in the shadow of such a great city, and during my life time i’ve seen four of the five chicago teams win a title
time to complete the quintet.
Aside thought: bears won 9 titles between the 1908 and 2016. I’d give them at least 2 more years
I love that Balt is getting the result they need in Cindy, and they’re shitting the bed at home to Philly.
*Cincy
Hey!!!!! You just stated a lot of verifiable facts, which I feel a visceral need to be angry about. I don’t appreciate that.
My face itches.
Oh….yeah forgot….growing out the beard. Sorry.
brocky needs a sticker gif
NoW
The Giants D giveth and taketh away like the lucky bastards that they are.